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The Number One Reply, I'm Not Sure


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Thank you both, ive crossdressed for a long time and prefer the way i look as a female And feel far more comfortable that way, it is difficult to know for sure but i do think im happier like that tbh, i wasnt sure where to go for advice or help or support so looked up online about forums that could help and thats how i ended up here, i dont like having body hair anywhere really either and am a lot happier in thongs and tights than i am in boxers and socks, i wear thongs nearly all the time and tights under my daily clothes and lined leggibgs under my clothes when its cold

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Hey all, I've been transitioning for about a year, (MtF) and have been satisfied with my changes and my hormones but I've recently been having a bit of a crisis. This is going to sound juvenile and weird but I recently came across a fiction that has characters who are changing the way I think about masculinity and also about myself. I'm very confused and not sure what to make of it. The fiction is called Beastars if that helps someone answer. Legoshi and Louis are both characters that I can't get out of my head. I'm a woman, I think, but Louis feels like a past self and Legoshi feels like who I want to be. I've gone from saying im a 6/6 on the kinsey scale, full lesbian, to saying 5/6, homoflexible because of this show. 

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Welcome @NicoMorgan it’s a pleasure to meet you.  I’m not sure why you would consider this a crisis.  It opens up more opportunity for you, imho.  The sexual orientation spectrum just expanded for you and now you're left with many more options than you ever previously considered.

 

Since you’re new here, please consider introducing yourself to our forum members if you are comfortable.  If you decide to tell us a little more about yourself, we have an Introduction section for this specific purpose. It helps us all get to know you and learn a little more about your situation which in turn helps us better help you with any answers.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

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  • 3 weeks later...

I am still questioning my gender as well.  I made a long posts on general forum about my dysphoria episodes and my story on introduction forum.  Maybe I am just afraid to face it.  In the past, I thought everyone felt and did what I did.  I am not sure any more. 

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  • 1 year later...

Well i can't exactly say I'm not sure about myself I use to identify as male until I lost all my sexual desires right now I don't even identify having a gender at all I  the gender others perceive me as I have gone through a lot of traumatic incidents over the last few months and there is nobody who can help my family can't handle my crying and screaming in terror from time to time I do cry a lot I have lost a lot of joy I feel bad so many people hate things for no good reason and it really brings me down

 

 

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  • 5 weeks later...
On 11/21/2008 at 1:15 PM, Guest Amanda L Richards said:

I was confused for a very long time and didn't know what I was. I used to just say I was cursed or that I got cheated out of what I should have been at birth, a genetic woman. Now that I am here with what I have I had to deal with it and for a long time I didn't.

I hated myself, I thought I was ugly. My body physically was nither male nor female distinctively. As a male, I didn't have the taught muscles that one has despite how hard I worked at trying to develop them. I just ended up hurting myself through strain. I was always a little fleshy in parts of my body that if developed would have been female.

Even though I had male parts and appearance I had fleshier hips and bottom and more on the breast side as well. This confused me for a long time.

To make matters worse as a teen I was attracted to girls but soon started to notice that I had a significant attraction to men as well. After pondering all this at 20 The "I am cursed" became a mantra which stayed for many years to come.

I found that the definitions that the psychological profession uses merely for convenience of identifying, confused me even more.

Finally I had to come to grips with the force in my life that was now bringing my whole life to a screeching halt becasue I wasn't addressing these issues. I was hiding them. When I went back to reponder them again the intense confusion came over me and I was becoming depressed about life in general.

In the end I had to sit down and think, What are the facts here? First I like dressing like a woman, I like to be like one, I wanted to be one, and secondly I am attracted to men .

Even now I am trying not to settle on labels so I just accept myself as being attracted to men and in the capacity as a woman. This is a feeling of complete fulfillment.

Maybe we all just have to look at "ourselves" alone and say what DO I LIKE OR WHAT MAKES ME FEEL WHOLE? without someone elses opinion or influence. I we see ourselves in the light of our own vision, then maybe our own individual truth reveals itself.

I guess there is something said about listen to your Heart

I don't know what your intent was when you posted this but it was exactly what I needed to hear.   Thank you so much for sharing, truly, thank you.  May the worst of your future be the best of your past!

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  • 2 months later...

So hard to answer. The back and forth games I play in my head sometimes leads to different answers. Usually it’s either non binary or trans but I’m still not sure. 

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  • 1 year later...

I used to have a huge hangup with my gender identity. I bounced betweeen fluid, queer, bigender, enby, transfeminine, pangender etc. In the end I just gave up because none of them seemed to fit. On the one hand it would be nice to define myself because I could then run with it and own who I am, but on the other hand, does it really matter?  

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@Mirrabooka you are unique unto yourself - you don't need to fit in a society created box.

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Welcome Mirrabooka.

We're all just who we are.  As Heather Shay said, you don't have to fit in any "box".

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8 hours ago, Mirrabooka said:

I used to have a huge hangup with my gender identity. I bounced betweeen fluid, queer, bigender, enby, transfeminine, pangender etc.

Hello, Mirrabooka

 

This will mark me as an elder (oh, no!) but when I was first trying to figure out who I was I didn't have nearly as many identities to choose from. We had straight (M or F), gay, lesbian, bi (maybe), and intersex (also, maybe). Trans of any kind, if it had existed back then that would have been news to me. About the best you could do if you had other-gender leanings was crossdresser. Some of my best friends back then accepted that they were crossdressers. Today I wonder how many of those friends were actually trans, or would have been if only they'd known.

 

Cheers!

Rianon

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Thank you, ladies.

 

Nowadays I am more content to just know that I'm on the rainbow spectrum somewhere. But, when I did go through the lengthy process of trying to determine exactly who I was, it was pretty frustrating. Every time I thought I had the answer, I soon found a reason to eliminate it. I can only imagine how bad the process would be for some people.

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  • 2 months later...

Honestly, my attitude WAS I am who I am, but am finding that every support organisation I come across wants you to identify 

your pronoun. On some there is no option for none or do not disclose. I have a GT appt in late July - so I guess I might be able to print the required label afterwards or maybe my new GP in early July can narrow it down. I hate labelling!

 

MaybeRob

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27 minutes ago, MaybeRob said:

Honestly, my attitude WAS I am who I am, but am finding that every support organisation I come across wants you to identify 

your pronoun. On some there is no option for none or do not disclose. I have a GT appt in late July - so I guess I might be able to print the required label afterwards or maybe my new GP in early July can narrow it down. I hate labelling!

 

MaybeRob

So Don’t!  I saw a presentation years ago by a renowned marine scientist Dr Edgar, and he was being critical of biologists and scientists who insist on categorising organisms. He said that it was futile to force rules on organisms that simply don’t have rules! We are organisms, and like many others, have complex lives which evolve past categorisations. Unfortunately, simple computers and simple minds cannot cope with indefinites, so to allow them to progress to the next function, we often have to ‘fill in the box’ with something, but it should be with what you need for that entity to get you where you need to go, rather than how you see yourself!

 

I am me, different to who I was at birth, slightly different to who I was yesterday, and who I will be tomorrow. I don’t see myself as a female, but to allow systems to process my data, that’s what I fill in the boxes. I have loosely fit a plethora of classifications over the years, but never matched fully. I used to worry about what I am, but after many decades of introspection, I realised it simply is not necessary, and only caused me confusion as I evolved.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

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  • 2 months later...

So, I just changed my profile to show that I am Bi-gender instead of questioning...but I still don't really know.

 

The reason I changed it is because of real life discussions with real life people...okay, a short talk with my wife...where I reinforced my belief that i don't need to fully transition. I am comfortable at my level; happy to be AMAB and behaving that way, while simultaneously feeling girly and behaving that way.  

 

 

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  • 1 month later...

So.

 

I have been in therapy and after a number of sessions, came to the conclusion that I wasn't trans, but I enjoy crossdressing. This is partly due to the therapist stating that I don't have gender dysphoria, only  gender euphoria. So I don't hate what sex I am now, just enjoy femininity.

 

However, since the therapy, I still keep getting these nagging feelings that there is more too it. I have researched and not all trans people have gender dysphoria, everyone is different. Also, I have euphoria whenver I dress as a lady, I get such pleasure out of it, I get sad when I am presenting as male (missing presenting female).

 

However, I am 43, with lots of people I know who would not accept me as trans, so the social aspect would be hard. I also am balding, so I doubt I would ever get a decent head of hair, even with transplants, which means reverting to wigs. I would struggle with this. I also feel that I would never pass properly.

 

But then I see other people with these same feelings who have said transitioning was 100% worth it, even despite these fears. I also look back at my past posts and was almost sure I wanted to transition, so surely that is part of me somewhere? I also think that I would still be happy if I didn't transition, so why bother?

 

For me, I know I am attracted to ladies only (and I have no uncertainty over this), but I fear that if I transitioned, I would be alone forever, which terrifies me.

 

Still confused and would welcome any comments. 

 

 

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50 minutes ago, PompeyMale said:

But then I see other people with these same feelings who have said transitioning was 100% worth it, even despite these fears. I also look back at my past posts and was almost sure I wanted to transition, so surely that is part of me somewhere? I also think that I would still be happy if I didn't transition, so why bother?

 

Just a thought - transition isn't an "all or nothing" proposition.  I'm AFAB (and intersex), and transition for me has meant a mild testosterone cream for a localized effect, getting rid of any lingering feminine clothing, and getting comfortable in my relationships outside of the female role I had been wedging myself into.  I'll never really pass as a full-grown adult male since I'm tiny, so I go with the "cute androgynous teenager" look.  I'd never consider surgery, but even if I wanted it my unique intersex anatomy makes it risky and difficult.  So, for me transitioning isn't a big deal physically, since I'm pretty limited to working with what I've already got. 

 

Two of my friends are MtF trans, and while they've had hormone treatments and pass really well, they have chosen not to go the surgery route either.  Both of them are fortunate to have started transitioning at a young age, though. 

 

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@PompeyMaleI understand your uncertainty. I have had some of the thoughts that you have had. After a number of therapy sessions we came to the conclusion that I may be genderfluid (a foot in both camps), and you may wish to consider that. However, I found over a few months that I was leaning more towards the feminine. So I decided that I needed to know where I was on the Trans spectrum; do I have GD? And if I do, that .....

34 minutes ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

transition isn't an "all or nothing" proposition

 

I have had a psychiatric assessment that I do have GD. While it seems not to be as strong as many here, I too am  scared of socially transitioning, although I do have the support of my family. So, the initial recommendation is low-dose HRT to see if it helps the GD, without having to socially transition. To follow that route you would need to have a psychiatric assessment of course, but it does mean that you can see if it helps. I hope to start in November and it is certainly not "all or nothing".

 

Hope this helps a bit.

 

Karen

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2 hours ago, PompeyMale said:

the therapist stating that I don't have gender dysphoria

...

I still keep getting these nagging feelings that there is more too it.

...

I get sad when I am presenting as male (missing presenting female).

 

Some therapists (and as a result some trans people) are under the impression that dysphoria relates only to the body and that it must be crippling or it doesn't count.  Dysphoria can be body-related, but it can also be about social interactions or about presentation.  And it can be so subtle that it can often be ignored or explained away.  It can be so omnipresent that it fades into the background: if you have always felt that way and just assume that is the way life is.

 

The therapist should be helping you to recognize those types of dysphoria.  Maybe they did, but maybe not.  I would encourage you to explore those feelings that there is "more to it", or the sadness of reverting back to male presentation.  Those feelings are are real.  They might be dysphoria.

 

My dysphoria was so subtle that I talked myself out of feeling it for 60 years.  But it had been there all along.  I can recall several experiences from my childhood that suggest (in hindsight) that should have suggested that I was trans.  And I can recall one in particular, when I was 17, that (also in hindsight) was unquestionably gender dysphoria.  But at the time, it simply made no sense to me.  I always just assumed that I was "weird".  It never occurred to me that the feelings had a name or that I could be trans.

 

So keep on investigating.  Perhaps with a new therapist if you feel that your current one is not helpful.

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3 hours ago, PompeyMale said:

I also am balding, so I doubt I would ever get a decent head of hair, even with transplants, which means reverting to wigs. I would struggle with this.

I felt this way for a few years.  My natural hair is very thin on top and I would wear something to cover that, and let the "fringe" hang out.  When I finally tried on a wig, it was definitely a euphoric moment, and really changed my perception.  

Now I usually wear one when I'm out and about.  I also have the convenience of changing my hairstyle at will.  I had a nice purple one for our local Pride Festival.

 

I didn't really lose friends when I transitioned since I didn't have many real friends anyway.  I'm also retired so I did't have to consider employment at the time.  Really, I didn't have as much to lose as a lot of trans people.  Just in my case, my "manhood" (for what that was worth).

 

I'm no therapist, but "I get sad when I am presenting as male" might mean something.  Really it's your decision on what is important to you and how important.  From a practical standpoint, there's pros and cons.

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Unfortunately, current diagnosis of Dysphoria relies on you telling your therapist you have persistent and long lasting discomfort with your gender. That ticks their box, but it doesn't cover the plethora of other symptoms you might have, and so is a 'best guess' approach. There are a number of conditions which will present as someone exhibiting gender variance, and a therapist should eliminate all of these before falling back on Gender Dysphoria as the last option, but many therapists mistakenly feel they can diagnose trans people. So this leaves most of us, and the broader community with uncertainty about what can be the biggest impact on our lives.

 

I believe there is a physical cause, but it isn't currently supported, so I (not being a therapist) would simply ask how people feel when they do something affirming. If you feel relief (which could be confused as euphoria), it would indicate you have been building frustrations in the leading up to the affirming action. These frustrations are often dismissed as work , family, or generally society generated, but if they are relived by some for of gender affirmation, they are most likely Dysphoria. The treatments for Dysphoria include a whole range of management techniques, mostly involving some form of affirmation, but should only get to transition where Dysphoria is strong enough to be recognised and is significantly affecting your life. It is very important to recognise and deal with Dysphoria, as it can, and often does lead to serious health problems.

 

I believe we need certainty in diagnosis, and the lack of certainty significantly affects our lives. Good luck!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

 

 

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Thank you all. The therapist defo stated about physical dysphoria, which I don't have - I don't hate my body, which is why I dismissed it. I do think there is something about the mental side of it - I defo feel more female in my head naturally and get frustrated about not being able to express being fully female in that sense. I also find that it is worse when I am having a tough time in other areas of my life, but when I am happy, the feelings subside - so its it dysphoria or is it just related to self esteem?

 

But then even if I did have the full transition, I would never be biologically born female, so would not be accepted by people. I guess I just fear the unkown and fear making a mistake.

 

PS: Its my birthday today x

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@PompeyMale, happy birthday!

 

I can see a lot of me in what you wrote, except that I don't feel sad when I hide behind my male mask. I don't think I'm dysphoric either, but it's all relative. If I go from feeling normal to feeling euphoric, then logically, feeling normal is a degree of dysphoria by comparison.

 

@AllieJ makes a good point when she said that it might not be euphoria that you are feeling, but relief. She said the same thing to me a while ago, and it certainly made me think. Do I only think that I feel euphoric because of a sense of relief when I am overtly more feminine in nature than what I was yesterday? The jury's out, and I don't expect a verdict any time soon. But that's ok, I'm just going with the flow, being me. It's not like I need to race home to put on a dress to make myself feel better. In fact, I feel lovely just by laying in bed in my nightie thinking about which panties and bra to wear tomorrow.

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10 minutes ago, Mirrabooka said:

@PompeyMale, happy birthday!

 

I can see a lot of me in what you wrote, except that I don't feel sad when I hide behind my male mask. I don't think I'm dysphoric either, but it's all relative. If I go from feeling normal to feeling euphoric, then logically, feeling normal is a degree of dysphoria by comparison.

 

@AllieJ makes a good point when she said that it might not be euphoria that you are feeling, but relief. She said the same thing to me a while ago, and it certainly made me think. Do I only think that I feel euphoric because of a sense of relief when I am overtly more feminine in nature than what I was yesterday? The jury's out, and I don't expect a verdict any time soon. But that's ok, I'm just going with the flow, being me. It's not like I need to race home to put on a dress to make myself feel better. In fact, I feel lovely just by laying in bed in my nightie thinking about which panties and bra to wear tomorrow.

 

Do you think of transitioning then? Or do you think of yourself as a crossdresser? 

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I don't know. I secretly crossdressed with underwear since childhood and openly in the presence of my wife for the past 10 years. But it has only been in the past couple of years that I joined the dots - someone noticed that I was acting girly online, then I remembered examples of my femininity that were no doubt noticeable to others throughout my life, but not to me. You know the old saying about a guy being in touch with his feminine side? For me, it's much much more. I came to a point of reckoning which led to self acceptance and I then totally fell in love with my inner woman. I have let her have her way by growing my hair and nails etc.

 

I do think what it would be like to transition, but I don't feel a compulsion to do so. Even if I was technically suffering from some sort of dysphoria, it is not affecting my life, so I just carry on.

 

I am not undergoing any sort of therapy (apart from here) and I really don't know what label I would be pigeon-holed with. I only recently changed my profile from Questioning to Bi-gender. Whether I am either of them, or transfeminine, or queer, or whatever - I have also learnt that labels are unimportant. I am just me.

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