Eating Disorders Resurfacing?

[Guest Mycatstubby]

Hello everyone! I'll start off by saying that I'm new to the Eating Disorder forums... normally I post in the MtF forums, however I feel I need to turn here. I used to identify as MtF, but now I feel I identify as mixed gender, so you may address me as either Matt or Jess. I'll be fine with either name.

Anyway, with that out of the way I'd like to get to the reason I'm posting here. From the time I was 11 to roughly 16 years old, I suffered from both anorexia and bulimia. During that timeframe, I met a pen pal who also suffered from anorexia and bulimia as well as self harming. We've been friends for like seven years now and just met for the first time today. On that note, recently I feel that my eating disorders are starting to resurface. How do I know this? Well, for starters I can't look at myself in the mirror without literally wanting to gag. I feel like I want to purge so badly right now.... I want dinner out of my body, I don't want the calories. I feel like my friend is catching on very quickly to these feelings since she used to suffer from the same thing. She's dropped several hints that she knows and I really don't know what I should do. Should I tell her my feelings are resurfacing or should I just keep trying to hide it? She's already commented that I not eating much. She's commented that I'm acting depressed... Ugh... I don't know what to do at this point? Any advice would make me happy as a claim right now.

Love,

Matt

AKA: Jess

[Guest CarolynM]

Hi Jess. First thing I would like to say is that I am NOT a therapist or a professional in this disorder. I DO have a daughter who suffers from an eating disorder and finds it difficult to come to terms with it. She has seen therapists in the past but they have been unsuccessful in solving the problem. It is a sad case but people that have eating disorders do frequently suffer from depression. So in that case you are not alone. What I have long advocated is that people who have a problem should consult a professional but also let someone you know who cares about you that you have this condition. This would help with spotting problems that maybe surfacing. My daughter still carries out ways to hide her condition ie. wearing thick baggy clothes. If the problem is resurfacing as you have mentioned, what do you believe is the cause? You have mentioned anorexia and bulimia. These are referred to as mixed episodes. All the conditions need expert help. Please do NOT hide the condition seek help, please.

Deeply concerned

Carolyn

[Guest Mycatstubby]

Hi Carolyn. First off, I’d like to start by saying how much it hurts me to hear that your daughter is still suffering from her eating disorder. It’s Hell and I wish her the best of luck with recovery.

As for myself, I have gone to therapy for this over the years. Nothing has helped. As of now, I don’t really know how to describe what’s happening. It feels almost as if the disease is taking over my personality. I’ll use an example from when my friend was here. We were sitting on the sofa watching a movie together when my stomach started to growl rather loudly (all I had eaten that day was a glass of water and three blueberries). The conversation went as follows:

Friend: “You’re hungry. You need to eat something."

Me: “No, I’m not."

Friend: “Let’s see, it’s 78 degrees in this apartment. You’re refusing to eat, you’re wearing a hoody and a triple layer coat and you’re under a blanket. I used to suffer from eating disorders too. You can’t hide anything from me."

At that point I said nothing and just got up and ran to the bathroom (I didn’t purge by the way). I came out a couple of minutes later on the verge of crying since i recognized somewhat of what was happening.

Me: “Stop trying to control me. I’m perfectly fine, now back off."

Friend: “What’s more important to you: me or this disease?"

At that point I pushed her out of the way and went into my room.

The above situation is not what I’m like at all. I’m normally never this depressed or short tempered with people.

As for why I’m doing this… I think it’s because I’m depressed and just want the feelings to go away. Starving and purging allow me to feel something besides emotional pain. Like I mentioned, I developed this when I was 11 all because of a “friend’s” comments… I honestly don’t see how I can ever stop the psychological portion of this hell.

By the way, I know no one here (that I know of) is a professional, however I just had to vent. Thanks for hearing me out.

[Guest Abiron]

First, I want to say that what you

Hi Carolyn. First off, I’d like to start by saying how much it hurts me to hear that your daughter is still suffering from her eating disorder. It’s Hell and I wish her the best of luck with recovery.

As for myself, I have gone to therapy for this over the years. Nothing has helped. As of now, I don’t really know how to describe what’s happening. It feels almost as if the disease is taking over my personality. I’ll use an example from when my friend was here. We were sitting on the sofa watching a movie together when my stomach started to growl rather loudly (all I had eaten that day was a glass of water and three blueberries). The conversation went as follows:

Friend: “You’re hungry. You need to eat something."

Me: “No, I’m not."

Friend: “Let’s see, it’s 78 degrees in this apartment. You’re refusing to eat, you’re wearing a hoody and a triple layer coat and you’re under a blanket. I used to suffer from eating disorders too. You can’t hide anything from me."

At that point I said nothing and just got up and ran to the bathroom (I didn’t purge by the way). I came out a couple of minutes later on the verge of crying since i recognized somewhat of what was happening.

Me: “Stop trying to control me. I’m perfectly fine, now back off."

Friend: “What’s more important to you: me or this disease?"

At that point I pushed her out of the way and went into my room.

The above situation is not what I’m like at all. I’m normally never this depressed or short tempered with people.

As for why I’m doing this… I think it’s because I’m depressed and just want the feelings to go away. Starving and purging allow me to feel something besides emotional pain. Like I mentioned, I developed this when I was 11 all because of a “friend’s” comments… I honestly don’t see how I can ever stop the psychological portion of this hell.

By the way, I know no one here (that I know of) is a professional, however I just had to vent. Thanks for hearing me out.

First, I want to say that what your friend did was wrong. Trying to make you choose over a disease for her. Something tells me she didn't fully live up to this disorder, because if she really did she would understand how complicated it is, since she's "been" in that situation before as she stated. We don't choose to live up to an eating disorder, nor do we choose to have a disease. It is all our minds...that fool us into falling into the stinkin' trap. I lost 41 pounds in 6 months at 14 years old, I gained over 20 back...and I'm kind of going through it again - I think. So that's why I know how complicated it is to be in your spot. It hurts to gain so much back, especially since I have GID. The disorder automatically develops overtime, and gets worse if not treated. The worse it gets, the harder it is to recover because you wouldn't want to at some points. Anyway, I'm really bad at giving advice but I just wanted to point out that you're friend isn't being so supportive and considerate of you.

[Guest Emily Ray]

Matt,

First off, you already know how the disorder lives in secrecy. So, I recommend being honest with your friend. If you are worried about triggering her with your discussion, and I would be, you can simply say you have began using symptoms again. Are you in therapy at all? If not, I suggest you find someone with the knowledge to help you out before it becomes a bigger problem. I am right now going through the hell of an ED that is largly out of control. I don't want you to get to this point before you ask for help. You know you are doing the behaviors. I know getting better isn't easy, but asking for help is easier.

I have had friends pull away from me because it is to painful to watch someone appear to wantonly self destruct. This is usually because they don't understand the disorder. Those who have suffered from an ED also are not always very good at dealing with it in others. Mostly because they feel helpless and unable to say the magic phrase that will make their friend better.

Matt, if you don't have access to therapy, don't forget about trying OA. They are a good resource.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest Emily Ray]

Matt,

Within five days of restricting our body goes into starvation mode and our behaviors change for the worse. You will never get out of your depression without fueling your brain. I know you know this and for me knowing doesn't make it any easier to eat. I haven't found my way back to health yet, but I am involved with treatment and I am pushing for residential level of care.

Huggs

Emily