Where to Start?

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Hi to All at Laura's!

I have been reading here for awhile now. It is so comforting to see such a warm, safe place where people can share openly and gain mutual support and respect. You all have my respect and my gratitude!

I have been struggling with how to start my introduction.

I have so much on my mind right now. I am not usually anxious or unsettled in anyway; however, this past week has been very difficult with interrupted sleep, mixed emotions, etc. I am sure we all know that feeling, at least initially.

I should not be surprised at all; I know I have been suppressing my truest self. I have known this all of my life. I feel like I am losing the ability to suppress my truest self any longer. I feel like I have to try to live life... finally, instead of acquiescing to the expectations of others. I need to face my own fears directly and be completely honest, at least with myself, if not with others. I would like my honesty to also extend to others, especially to those whom I love and respect.

I was born female. Throughout my childhood, I was an excellent athlete, hung out with the guys, etc.

I was very popular in school and had so many "friends," I did not have to get super close to any of them. In all honesty, I wanted, deep down, to be one of the guys.

I was very, very busy with all of my activities. I was popular with the guys and the gals. I was pursued a lot by male acquaintances, since I can remember. I had dated a lot, yet just could not get very interested in pursuing an ongoing relationship very often. I had my many community projects and can see now that I had used them for avoidance of getting into relationships.

Many women also expressed an interest in spending time together. Again, I had made myself largely unavailable to anyone whom I held a serious interest or with whom I had felt a strong attraction, during that time in my life.

Over time, I'd had a few longer term relationships with men and with women. I'd eventually decided to marry a wonderful man. We have been married for over 20 years. We are great friends to one another. I am grateful this is the case. At the same time, our relationship has shifted immensely over the past few years and keeps shifting. We are separated at this time; yet, are also best friends. We are discussing our future plans.

All of this time, I had thought I was only suppressing my attraction to women. I now am sure I was suppressing more than this. I now am fairly sure I have been suppressing my true gender identity. I have very little interest in men as life partners. (I am very fond of many men and hold them in high esteem. I am friends with many men. Yet, I have realized, I am buddies with them! We share some similar interests and think alike in many ways.)

I am very attracted to women as life partners. I am head over heels for one woman, in particular. She just blows my mind. I adore her femininity! Wow! I just melt! I.... well, enough said.

I do not want to be like her! I want to hold her and want to cherish her!

I am realizing I had suppressed much more than my attraction to other women.

In looking back over all of the years, I was also suppressing my truest self. My gender identity, underneath all of this "cover up" is very male.

I had designated myself as "transgendered" because I am a little confused by the nuances between transgender and transexual. It seems the literature is not entirely consistent. I am giving myself time to understand more about myself.

Thank you for listening and for providing a safe place to share.

Brad Lee

[Guest John Chiv]

Welcome to Laura's Brad.

Thanks for the introduction. What is your preference with pronouns?

John

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi BradLee,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Hi John!

Thanks for welcoming me!

Thanks for posing a direct question... one which has me sweating at the moment, by the way.

This is all so recently "owned up to" for me... I hesitate a bit in answering. Is this unusual?

Male pronouns.

Thanks, John.

[Guest Mia J]

Hello Brad and welcome to Laura's. We are happy to have you here.

A lot of folks are confused where they may fit in to the gender spectrum and hopefully you can find some support here with that.

Another good resource is to go to a gender therapist who will help you to decide just where you fit in.

Mia

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Thank you for your warm welcomes, Mia and Miss Kindheart!

Yes, Mia, after having completed years of therapy, it is time to return to do more work!

Great suggestion! Thanks again!

[Guest John Chiv]

Brad,

Thanks for answering what pronouns you prefer. Each person goes at their own pace. Considering that you are still sorting some stuff out, it is fine to take your time and answer what you are comfortable with and take your time to think about it.

John

[Guest Shari]

Hi Brad,

Welcome to our little bit of paradise!

Hugs,

Shari

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Hi again, John! Thanks for the understanding.

Hi Shari, Thanks for your warm welcome!

I have interacted with my romantic interest (cis female) for approx a year now. We have been taking it all very slowly to see how it goes. Within the world we share together, my gender identity is 100% male. My dress is 95%-100% male with her always. She is at least 100% female... so very feminine! She rocks my world! She is aware of my core gender identity and has been aware of this since first meeting me. (She was more aware of this than I was, the very first time we'd crossed paths...24 months ago. She's been patiently awaiting my own recognition of this. We discuss this topic directly as needed, as I accept the core of who I am.) I keep thinking each additional level of my own gender identity acceptance is going to scare her off. Yet, it doesn't. The more I accept myself and enjoy the freedom of self-acceptance, the happier she is for me, and the closer we become. While I find it hard to believe she will find my inner truth acceptable, she completely sees, truly accepts, and totally appreciates the core of who I am. The world stops when we spend time together. Our spiritual life together is just phenomenal. I am deeply in love with her and our love just keeps growing, even with many trials and challenges before us. She has moved from Asia to the U.S. so we can spend time together, while knowing prior to her move, that I am on this "rocky" journey and also knowing there are many obstacles for me to overcome.

I keep wondering when she is going to fully realize what I am all about, and thus, freak out? She stays very steady, more steady than I do, throughout my phases in challenges of accepting of myself. She has no investment in how far I do or don't go in pursuit of reclaiming my gender identity. She just wants me to be free to be fully myself.

I love and respect my (soon-to-be ex-) husband. We are, and have been, best friends for many years. Our "love life" fell apart a few years ago. I won't go into details. We are truly devoted, loyal friends to one another and support one another wholeheartedly. We have been very intentional about our separation/divorce. We know we have needed to take longer in this separation process because we are still such good friends. We want to part in love and with utmost mutual respect. We know we will each grieve one another and have purposely extended the period of separation beyond the time required by law. We still spend time together, and as I observe the time we spend together, it is clear to me we are "buddies!" We have lots of fun together as long as we are doing things that "buddies" do together. We both have participated in competitive target shooting and enjoy handling, buying, collecting, trading firearms. We are both into sports. We are both into all kinds of cars and jets, etc. We are very interested in seeing one another very happy. We each thoroughly enjoy spending time together and catching up on the events in each others lives. We have a very deep love for one another and will likely always be friends. We work very well together on projects. We are currently forming a business partnership with the help of legal counsel. Although our marriage is legally dissolving, we are focusing upon the ways in which we do complement one another and plan to continue to reap those benefits of our friendship... we are great business partners.

He and my close female friend are also acquainted, friendly, mutually respectful, warm toward one another. We all often have dinner together, etc. She accepts the fact that he is important to me and that he and I will continue as business partners. He knows she and I plan to live together in the near future... once our divorce is final. I only hope he finds a true and deep romantic love in his life.

I wish fully being myself would be as easy with other important people in my life. This is going to be a major challenge with some family and with some friends. Easy does it. As I feel myself moving into more self-acceptance, I also feel part of me falling away. While I feel I am gaining parts of myself, I also feel myself grieving parts of myself I am letting go, only because I am now more fully aware they are not the closest approximation of my truth any longer. It is time to allow myself the full freedom to be me!

To Our Collective, and to our Individual, Freedom and Empowerment!

Brad