Slowly plant seeds and see what grows or rip off the plaster?

[Guest Luturna]

To give an explaination of the topic I was thinking tonight about how to come out to certain people.

For some it would be a slow introduction of small items and give people clues for them to come to some sort of conclusion themselves so when you actually come out it isn't a complete shock. It is also easier to judge the reaction to the topic for those who you not sure of.

Another idea is just to come out with it out of the blue to people and hope for the best. Its quick and easy for you but could alienate others who have no idea about these things.

The reason I was thinking of this as there is one of my very close friends who is rather old fashioned in his thinking. He is perfectly accepting of those who have a different sexual orientation and even said would be accepting if I come out as gay even though he says he knows I'm not that way inclined currently. Just I have tried the seeding just looks like the soil isnt as fertile as I first thought. So now im thinking do I just rip of the plaster deal with the pain and shock and wait for the sting to die down.

Any suggestion would be greatly appriciated!

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Hi Luturna!

I have often found the method of slowly planting seeds quite effective when I need/desire a shift in interactions and/or when I need to make something known (and it isn't emergent in nature). The seed method also includes cultivating the soil, casting the seeds, watering the seeds, and having some degree of patience. Sometimes, as with any method of planting, we must cast more seed if the initial ones did not take. We also may need to assess the reasons they did not take. (ie: How well did we cast the seed? How diligently did we water the seed? Have we been patient enough, having fully allowed for the seed to grow?)

Sometimes, with some people, we find we must take a different, more direct approach. This may be the case if a more subtle method has failed and/or if the topic is now more emergent.

If we feel we must divulge information in a more rapid, more direct manner with anyone, this has the potential to catch them by surprise, as you have mentioned. This also has the potential to maybe not go as smoothly as we'd like. We then might fear this more abrupt approach will result in "... pain and shock and wait for the sting to die down." It is possible this might go this way; yet, possibly not helpful for us to fully expect this to have to become as extreme as we might fear. In taking a more abrupt approach, we can still leave room for a less dramatic reaction, just incase a lesser reaction is what comes about.

Is there another way to approach this, an intermediate way, something in between the planting of a seed and "ripping off the plaster?" There may be another option?

Either way, I hope this all works out in a way most helpful to you and with those you care about.

We all must attend to matters at our own pace and in our own timing, in a manner that works for each of us.

May you and your loved ones remain aware of just how much you each mean to one another, casting fear aside, choosing mutual love and mutual understanding over fear. Often easier said than done, I know. Yet, worth a try.

When we close our hearts, out of fear and self-protection, those around us can feel our closed heart. They then respond to the fact that we have closed down toward them. We have already responded out of fear. This can elicit a totally different response than if we had not closed our hearts out of fear of their reactions. When we allow our hearts to remain open, those around us can also feel this and must choose his/her very own response, which is not influenced by our having closed our own hearts first.

Either way, you must do whatever works for you. Some friends are easier to get through to than others.

Carefully consider all options. You will know how best to handle this.

Best Wishes,

Brad

[Guest Roux]

For some it would be a slow introduction of small items and give people clues for them to come to some sort of conclusion themselves so when you actually come out it isn't a complete shock.

My concern with this would be the part where they "come to some sort of conclusion themselves," because you don't have any control over how they digest the hints you're giving them, and therefore they may be coming to all kinds of incorrect [horrible, damaging, etc] conclusions about you. So when you do actually come out and tell them what's going on, you might have to dispell even more negativity than you would have had to face if you just came out without any warning.

Another idea is just to come out with it out of the blue to people and hope for the best. Its quick and easy for you but could alienate others who have no idea about these things.

Continuing with my nervousness about dropping hints: some people are going to be alienated whether or not you drop hints and let them draw their own conclusions first. And some people are going to be accepting--cautiously or immediately--whether you hint at it beforehand or not. There are definitely people out there who would benefit from the hints, and the people in your life might be like that. In my experience, though, the hints are more likely to make people suspicious and guarded than diminish the possbility of alienation.

Obviously, I lean toward the Do It All At Once (When You're Ready) side of things, mainly because I feel more in control of the situation--and that's a situation that I really desperately want to be able to control as much as possible.

Whatever you do, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that your friend surprises you with how supportive and accepting he is! =)