on my way I think?

[Guest onmyway]

I just want to say sorry for the long write up.

I was born in Toronto ON (North York). My mom was very creative and the textbook “leave it to beaver” type of mom; sewing, cooking and making crafts and decorations. She was a stay at home mom until I was about eight years old, when she started working for a newspaper. She was always good to us and tried to keep everyone happy. I can count on one hand the number of times we had an argument or a fight about something.

I have an older sister Amanda (Mandi) who is 1.5 yrs older and a younger brother Alex who is 4 years younger so that makes me the middle child. My sister and I have always been very close and we still keep in touch now that she lives in Mexico. I was often jealous of the things she had. ie: nail polish, clothes, makeup, hair etc. Up until the last eight or nine years my brother and I never got along with each other. He now works at the same place as me and we talk and visit often.

Growing up; my Dad like the other Dads on the street all worked for Bell Canada so the kids on the street all had something in common and we all played together. The Dads would all sit around the backyards and smoke/drink beer and talk about work; while the Moms sat in their own group talking and the kids would play. My dad would bring home old phones and show me how to take them apart and fix them; some phones were just junk so he would let me take them apart. I was always curious about how things worked and liked to tinker with stuff. If not for my dad I would not have the understanding of electronics that I do now.

All of the kids in the neighbourhood growing up were within five years of each other and we were an even mix of boys and girls. Barbie could be found in the sand box just as easy as you would find a Tonka truck; which was fine with me because it gave me an opportunity to play with “girl“ toys without scrutiny.

In my early teens my family moved to a small farm in Sunderland because my Dad was transferred to a new job. About a year after moving to the farm; mom and dad split up. My mom just left one day without any kind of warning or discussion. It was very hard on all of us to get through this period and for a long time I was really angry with her for leaving us. I found out years later (about 6 years ago) why she left (my dad was an abusive alcoholic and she had met somebody else). We have since reconciled and have become very close as I work through my own divorce. My situation is very similar to hers - my ex-wife is diagnosed as bi-polar and has had drug problems in the past and I too met somebody else and decided I needed a new start without all of the abuse & fighting.

I was diagnosed in grade 2-3 with ADHD and dyslexia and as such school was very hard for me and just got worse as I got older. I lashed out at the system and everyone around me as my frustrations grew. I never did well in any school subject so in high school they finally placed me into a co-op program and at the end of high school my guidance counsellor set me up with a work program (apprenticeship with work assignments being done outside of the typical school environment). By age sixteen I had written and passed my Railway Safety Rules and obtained my “D” card in 105 for the York Durham Railway (this meant I could drive a train). I then started an apprenticeship driving truck, heavy equipment and studied diesel engine repair. I continued the work program until I was about 18 years old when I was offered a job at Bombardier working for GO Transit as a diesel mechanic. I’m 31 now and I have been working for Bombardier and GO Transit ever since.

Shortly after my parents separated, my Dad met his current girlfriend who moved into the farm with an “I’m queen bee” speech to us kids. To this day we don’t get along which has strained my relationship with my Dad. At the time that my dad met her his divorce was fresh and he was in a deep depression using drugs and alcohol on a regular basis. He was not working much and the farm was in deep financial trouble. At age eighteen I was working full time, making really good money and started to pay the mortgage & bills for the farm due to my father‘s “bender“. My girlfriend (would be wife) at the time moved in with us and I got her a job near the farm. My dads girlfriend also moved in around the same time and I learned she too had a drug and alcohol problem (misery loves company). Due to my dad and his girlfriend’s irrational behaviour, my girlfriend and I moved out of the farm and stayed with her parents for a brief time. A few months later we bought our own home in Angus and were married in July 2003.

The house was a small three bedroom bungalow with a large yard that worked well for my collection of cars and trucks. The majority of my hobbies are things most people would call a career (I have my AZ licence am a certified welder, gas fitter, forklift instructor etc.) I think if I was a woman I would be “tom boyish” rather then a girly girl. My favourite is the military trucks that I have owned throughout the years. I still own one and drive it often.

As far back as I can remember I have felt more feminine and right from an early age experimented with cross dressing; but never spoke to anybody about it. Once my Dad caught me and asked me if “I had feelings to be a woman” and I told him “no I was just screwing around“. I wish I had admitted the truth to him back then as he was very open minded when I was younger. There were times I would stand in front of the mirror and look at my self, just hating the way I looked. I would go to bed at night and dream that I was a girl and sometimes I would ask god why I was put in this body. I pierced my own ears and would grow my hair as long as I could before someone would tell me it was time for a hair cut. As the years went on I had gathered a small wardrobe of clothes that I wore behind closed doors, in the car by myself or on Halloween. People just knew me as Andrew and inside I wanted them to know how I was feeling but was too afraid to let the secret out for the fear of rejection. I only ever had two girlfriends in school and the second one I married at a young age (we eloped). Before we got marred I told her about my GID and she claimed she was okay with it but as the years went on she became less understanding of it, shouting things like Sweetie or I don’t want a woman I want a man, you’d make an ugly woman and so on. She would throw out all my feminine clothing and then feel bad about it and buy me new stuff weeks later. Sometimes she would encourage me to go with it then she would scream at me and tell me she was leaving me if I didn’t stop. Sometimes she would get so mad at me she would hit me or throw things. This made me want to hide it even more. I would cut off all my long hair and grow a big beard in hopes to keep her happy, but doing this would push me into months of depression. Our first son was born (Andrew Jr) and I was so proud of him even though I never wanted kids. My wife at the time told me that I would have to stay a man now so our son would never find out about my GID. I tried for a while not to cross dress or think about it but it would just make me depressed and our marriage would start to fail. She would stay out all night at clubs, bars, spend piles of money and leave me to look after our son. She cheated on me several times and we would go to counselling though my work EAP to talk about it. When our son was around two years old she had a mental breakdown and was admitted to the hospital for several months and was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder and was prescribed medication for it. She always told me that she was NOT bi-polar and she was just peed off with me. In March 2008 she told me she was pregnant with our second son (so much for birth control) who was born in November 2009.

At a family dinner she told my sister in-law she was leaving me and she got pregnant deliberately so I would have to pay her more child support.

After hearing this I had made up my mind to leave her but didn’t know how. I didn’t want a lifetime of fighting and being unhappy with everything. One day on the train for work (I was an onboard mechanic for the morning commute) I met a passenger (Diana) and started small talk. She and I would talk every now and then before her stop. We talked more and more about things, likes and dislikes, funny TV shows, her kids and all sorts of things. After a while we would look for each other just so we could talk. (perhaps I looked for her more then she looked for me) but none the less we enjoyed each others company. Over the next couple of months she and I fell deeply in love with each other, even meeting each other off the train and for me it was pure bliss. I would supervise the repair shop for the locomotives during the day and she and I would call each other and email from my office. I even brought her with me when I went down to Michigan to pick up an army truck I had bought. In February 2010; Diana’s ex husband decided to call my wife and tell her about us. This was the point were my life would start to get better (it didn’t seem like it at the time) I left my wife and moved in with Diana. (8 years of abuse over) I have lived with Diana for over a year and just love it! We get along with each other so well. Her and her friend Bonnie who stayed with us part time has accepted me for who I am and make me feel good about myself. Bonnie calls me “princess“ and is always supportive of me. My mom has started to refer to me as her daughter and my sister is referring to me as her sister. On my last birthday the card my mom gave me was for a girl and read happy birthday to my daughter! My life is so much better and I’m in a much happier place now. I try to dress more feminine even in public and share clothes with my girlfriend. My step-daughter loves painting my toenails and I enjoy it too. My life is starting to come together.

I have talked with my family doctor about my GID and even sent my paperwork along with a copy of this to CAMH in Toronto, even received a call back from them. I was told I was on a waiting list to see someone and I was also told it would be around 10 months! I as most new trans people just want to start hormone therapy. Is this a normal amount of time to wait or did I miss a steep?

I am not sure exactly what the future holds, but in the very least I feel more supported now than ever before. I have a supportive partner and family that I know will help me in my future decisions about who I want to be in the future.

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

[MaryEllen]

Hello onmyway,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[Guest John Chiv]

Welcome to Laura's onmyway. And looks like you certainly are. Maybe one of the Canadian members can speak to the wait time. I am glad you have a supportive partner and family.

John

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Onmyway,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest onmyway]

Thank you for the kind comments and I look forward to learning more about this sight.

[Guest rita63]

Hi Onmyway and welcome to Laura's. Its a warm supportive place to be yourself.

While I am not trying to transition I have been dealing with the health care system in Ontario and mental health issues.

Wait times are annoyingly long and I wound up not getting my depression treated as the wait times used up my EI sick bennefits. EAP may be able to do more for you than CAMH if you get a councilor through them. Your union may help too the CAW is pretty good for mental health. Often Union sposored programmes get past the wait times and cash for private treatment centers speeds up substance abuse programmes and possibly GID treatment as well.

I'm west of you in London and am just starting to explore my femme self in my early 60's

Best of luck you sound like you are in a good place now.

hugs rita

[Guest Mia J]

Hello and welcome to Laura's. We are happy to have you here.

Thank's for the wonderful introduction. Your story is like a lot of others here and I hope you find the forums to be supportive for you.

Looking forward to seeing you posts.

Mia

[Guest ricka]

Hi Sugar and a warm welcome to our family here at Laura's. So happy you have joined us. And thank you for taking the time to tell us about yourself. Many of us here can readily identify with your struggles and your triumphs. And in the end finding the joy of our womanhood.

Miss Ricka