My coming out letter to parents - just need the courage to deliver it

[Guest Sam89]

I've finally finished my coming out letter to my parents. I feel that it says everything I need it to, but I'm so scared of actually delivering it. I feel like it's the right time. My mum has suspected for a long time, I'm sure. And recently after getting a haircut my dad told that I "look like his young son". And I really hate the thought of having to keep pretending. But I'm so scared of what will happen once it's out there. I think my mum will be pretty good about it, even though she might not really understand, but my dad - I just don't know. I don't talk to him about this kind of stuff. *sigh*

Also trying to decide whether to mail it in the post, email it or go to their house and hand-deliver it.

While I gather my courage here's a translation of the letter I wrote to them.

Dear Mum and Dad

It's very hard for me to write this letter, but I know that I have to in order to move on. I want to ask you to keep an open mind, as this topic isn't something people talk about everyday – and we certainly don't. Part of me wishes that I had the courage and the articulacy to do this face to face, but all in all I think this is the best solution for getting all the initial information out there. Afterwards I'm more than willing to sit down for a conversation, however awkward it might be.

But enough stalling.

It's time I tell something that is starting to consume my life to a degree, where I no longer feel like I can keep it to myself.

I am transgender, which means that while I was born into a girl's body, I feel like a boy on the inside. I am not comfortable with my body. It's a feeling that I have always had, even though I have only been able to identify and accept it recently.

Maybe this isn't a surprise. Maybe you saw the signs and suspected it. I know that Mum and I have discussed the topic in general terms before, and over the last two months I've laid out some fairly blatant hints, but I suspect that it's overwhelming seeing it in writing like this. So I completely understand if you are very shocked and uncomprehending right now. This isn't a small thing that I'm asking you to accept. Personally I didn't find out until this past November, and I'm the one it's happening to. It's completely okay and normal to find it difficult.

Just to avoid confusion I want to start by defining four terms that are somewhat related but not mutually dependent: sex, gender, gender expression and sexuality.

• Sex: Your biological sex. With few exceptions we are all born as either boys or girls.
  
• Gender: How we identify. For most people their sex and gender align. Biological boys idenitfy as boys, and girls as girls. They feel at home in their bodies. Most people probably don't think about it, never question it. It just feel right. For transpeople it isn't quite as simple. Some know from an early age what is wrong - “I should have been a boy” or “I should have been a girl” - while for others it might take many years before they can put the feeling into words. There are also people who identify as neither or both genders.
  
• Gender expression: Some men are very masculine (clothes, behavior, interests etc.) while some are very feminine, and many fall somewhere in between. They are all men. The same applies to women. Personally I have both feminine and masculine features, and I'm fine with that. It's important to understand that gender and gender expression is not the same. I have heard about several feminine transmen who were asked “Why can't you just be a girl then?”, but that is completely misguided. We don't just assume that a feminine bio-man is transgender, do we?
  
• Sexuality: There are those who assume that transmen are just particularly masculine lesbians, but that is just not the case. Many might previously have lived/identified as lesbians, but transmen are men, and as such can't be lesbians. Furthermore not all transpeople are heterosexual; most of them yes, but transpeople can be hetero-, homo- and bisexual – just like non-transpeople. Personally I am – as you know – bisexual (4-5 on the kinsey-scale if we want to get exact).
  

I want to stress that this isn't a face and it's not some clever idea, that I want to test – like “haha, wouldn't it be fun to be a guy”. If it were, I wouldn't have made it this far. It wouldn't send you this letter, despite my fear of how you might react. I wouldn't have spent countless hours on research. I wouldn't have contacted LGBT Denmark's T(rans)-group (much less on Facebook where I know I risk exposure). I wouldn't have packed away all my most feminine clothing and bought new from mens clothes stores. I wouldn't feel sick at the thought of spending the rest of my life in my female body. I wouldn't have regular breakdown at my situation. I would never choose a life, that I know is going to be difficult in many ways. I hate the thought of having to come out at work, at university, to friends, to the rest of the family – I hate it. If the thought of going back to being a girl – even a masculine one – didn't me even more uncomfortable, I would. I am not having fun with this. Believe me. I'm sure, okay?

There are many ways of being transgender. You have probably heard of the ones who always knew what they were. I know I have, and ironically it's probably part of the reason it took me so long before I realised I was transgender. I thought, that as a transgender, you were supposed to just know from early childhood, and I didn't, so that's definitely not that I am, I thought. In reality not everyone just knows instinctively, for which there can be many good reasons (lack of information, denial etc.) When I look back now, however, I note a number of things about myself (thing about childhood play, -wishes and -fantasies, about clothing habits – public as well as private, about dreams, about sex/sexuality, about awkward teenange years, where I really started to feel apart from the other girls, about short relationships and why they always felt wrong and strange). They are things that seperately might not mean a lot, but together and added to the feeling I have had (consciously) since November, they suddenly make my life make so much more sense.

Please don't think that all this is somehow your fault. That you raised me wrong. It may have taken me a long time to understand, but I fully believe that this has always been in me. You couldn't have done anything different.

“What now?” you might ask. The first thing I need you to know is that I'm still me. Still the same person, with the same interests, opinions etc.

I do, however, wish to find a new name and, if you want to, I would like to invite you to be part of that proces with me. A genderneutral (unisex) name and boys name as a middle name is what the law allows me. Places where I'm out, I have been calling myself Sam – a name that I feel comfortable with, but which isn't particularly Danish-sounding so I don't know that it will stick.

In time it would of course be lovely if I was no longer called by female pronouns, but I also know that that isn't an easy thing to get used to, which is why I won't specifically ask that – or anything else – from you right now. All I ask is that you accept my transgenderedness as reality, and for me to know that you will still be in my life in the future.

On a treatment level, I would like to start hormone treatment as soon as possible. In practice that means my body will go through male puberty (my voice will deepen, increased body hair etc.). Before that there are of course a number of people who need to know what is happening to me. I am taking it one step at a time, so there are no specific plans yet. My closest friends and family are next, but you were first on the list; you – more than anyone else – I neither can nor want to pretend to.

This was what I had to say initially. I know that transsexuality can be difficult to understand for non-transpeople and may seem “weird”, but I am really hoping for your acceptance here. It is difficult, and I can't demand that you change your way of thinking from one day to the next – that isn't realistic. All I ask is that you at least try, so that in time you might hopefully come to terms with it.

Always yours

[birth name] / Sam

[Carolyn Marie]

Sam, I can honestly say that this is one of the finest "coming out" letters I have ever read. You've covered all the basics, you are empathetic towards what your parents may be feeling, and it reads as very heartfelt and honest. There isn't a thing I can think of to add or to take away.

You've done a fine job with this. I wish you all the luck in the world.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Sam89]

Thank you, Carolyn! Just knowing that definitely helps!

[Guest Sam89]

Update: I just mailed the letter to my mum (texted her first to make sure she was up and would see it right away) and let her decide how to involve my dad (whether they should read together, by themselves or what).

OMG, I am so wound up right now. My heart will not stop hammering.

Wish me luck.

[Guest MissSiul]

Amazing letter,I hope that everything turns out ok for you

It is really good the feeling of giving the letter,right?One thing less

to worry^^

Best luck for you

Hugs

[Guest Sam89]

So I've spoken to my mum about it for a while now (and she's going to bring it up to my dad tomorrow probably). She's accepting and not at all surprised. So that's good. Though it seems she thinks there's a chance I might change my mind about it somewhere down the line, comparing me to herself at my age. Which is a bit frustrating, but not unexpected coming from her (she did kind of the same thing, when I told her I was bi). But things could have gone A LOT worse, so I'm happy.

My dad, though, is a bit of a wildcard. I really don't know what he's going to say. But I'm feeling a lot more calm about it than I was a couple of hours ago.

[Guest Roux]

I agree with Carolyn and MissSiul, that's a fantastic letter. They should be proud to have such a brave and well-spoken son! Hope all goes well when they respond to the letter. =)

[Guest Sam89]

I agree with Carolyn and MissSiul, that's a fantastic letter. They should be proud to have such a brave and well-spoken son! Hope all goes well when they respond to the letter. =)

Thank you! So far so good!

[Guest Talon]

Hey Sam,

That's a great letter! Hope it all went well. I wish you the best of luck!

I'm in Denmark too. Did you come out in English or Danish? Just curious.

All the best,

Talon.

[Guest Sam89]

Hey Sam,

That's a great letter! Hope it all went well. I wish you the best of luck!

I'm in Denmark too. Did you come out in English or Danish? Just curious.

All the best,

Talon.

Hi Talon! I've seen you around. What the heck are you doing in lil' old Denmark?

I wrote the letter in Danish, just translated it to English for the purpose of sharing it here. And rather quickly, too, as is evident by the number of errors and typos in it - "this isn't a face" lmao.

And thank you! Right back at ya. I'm not really sure how it went yet. Apparently my dad is freaking out and won't/can't talk about it. :s

[Guest Mia J]

She's accepting and not at all surprised. So that's good. Though it seems she thinks there's a chance I might change my mind about it somewhere down the line,

I think this is probably a very common response from parents even if they are accepting, of both the transgendered and sexual orientation. They tend to think it may just be a phase which in time they will realize it is not.

Your letter was very well done. You did a fantastic job.

Mia

[Guest Svenna]

The cat is outta the bag now!

Best of luck to you with your Dad, hang in there...

Love, Svenna

[Guest Talon]

Hey Sam,

That is too bad about your Dad. I hope he'll freak down shortly! Maybe it's just some kind of initial shock. Maybe he needs a little time. I have my fingers crossed for you.

I study at the music conservatory in Odense. Where are you at? Yeah Denmark sure is little

Talon.

[Guest Sam89]

Hey Sam,

That is too bad about your Dad. I hope he'll freak down shortly! Maybe it's just some kind of initial shock. Maybe he needs a little time. I have my fingers crossed for you.

I study at the music conservatory in Odense. Where are you at? Yeah Denmark sure is little

Talon.

Thanks! Yeah, I'm hoping he just needs some time. He still hasn't said two words to me, in writing or otherwise.

I grew up in Copenhagen. I currently live in northern Sjælland/Zealand, but still work and attend university (I'm studying Finnish) in Copenhagen.

[Guest Talon]

Hey Sam,

Sounds like a stressful situation. I really hope it'll turn out ok. I hope your Dad will come to understand what it's all about and that it doesn't change his kid's personality. If you need a hand with something or just some support, feel free to message me. I know you don't know me and that I'm not a professional in any way but just wanted to tell you that.

Finnish sounds really cool, I considered studying it myself because my family on my mom's side hails from Finland. Why did you choose it? Finnish folk music is pretty big among the people I hang out with and it's so cool.

All the best,

Talon.

[Guest Shauna B]

Sam,

That was an amazingly well written letter and I found it to be very inspirational as well. I hope I can soon find the courage that you have shown. I am terrified of coming out to my parents as a transwomam!

I am from the southeastern USA and my dad is a typical southern man (no offense to anyone). He believes that all men should be manly men (i.e. eat lots of meat, hunt, fish, own lots of unnecessary guns, know how to use power tools and how to fix an engine), which is an ideology that he has attempted to pound into me for as long as I remember and he is also very close-minded! I however am not like most of that! I don't hunt and do not like guns, I'm vegiterian (which used to annoy him lol) and the only reason I am proficient at the use of power tools is because I learned how to use them as a kid to feel accepted by him. We have never had a great relationship and even now it is nothing more than what I call consider "mutually respectful," which makes me extremely fearfull that telling him will COMPLETELY destroy what little relationship we do have.

My fear of telling my mother is quite ironic actually! My mom was a practicing psychotherapist prior to being called into ministry. About 10-ish years ago, she had a patient that was transwoman lol. She counciled him throughout the SOC of the time (which included the 1 year RLT requirement) as his gt. My mom is very loving and understanding and I know deep down that she will welcome Shauna with open arms. Regardless of that feeling and the fact that she has worked as a gt for at least 1 transwoman, I am still afraid!

That was probably more info than you wanted lol. So, back to your situation lol. You should be proud of yourself for showing that amount of courage and I am glad to hear that your mom was so receptive. Hopefully, your dad will come around sooner rather than later, because no matter how you make look on the outside (the way you dress, the pitch of your voice, etc), you are still and will always be his child.

Thank you for sharing and I wish you the best!

Hugs!

Shauna ;-)

[Guest Sam89]

Talon,

Thank you! I know the more out I get, it will mean a lot to be able to talk to people who get it.

I actually got into Finnish via my job. I work for an online jeweler, where he have websites all over Europe, including Finland. I deal a lot with marketing and have had to translate simple words and sentences. So that got me interested and as I was looking for something to study I thought "why not Finnish?" and here we are.

Shauna,

I wish you all the luck in the world with coming out to your parents. Your dad sounds kind of terrifying, tbh, but at least there's a good chance that your mum will be accepting. But of course it's still hugely scary. I know, for me, there are still so many more people that I need to tell, and I have no idea how to do it. I think coming out at work will be the hardest, because it's coming out to so many people at once (though we're a small company) AND it's all female except for the boss, so that's a little awkward.

Anyways, thanks for the encouraging words!

All the best

Sam (who will probably change his name to Luca - trying it out for a bit)