Distraught

[Guest Quin]

This is really getting to me right now.

I was chatting with a friend on the phone. Everything's building up between him and I because of me recently comming out about being trans.

First of all, for the first time, he's the one that wants to get off the phone with me. This was a relief for me because we have a habit of just sitting on the phone for hours barely saying anything because we talk so much that there's not much to say after the first half an hour (and I hate phones - and he usually hates getting off the phone with me even if we're not saying anything at all to eachother).

But it's escalating.

Today I got completely peed off at him because he's pulling this crap of "I really want you to be happy" while beeting around the bush about not wanting me to transition and he obviously thinks that it's not the right choice for me. He thinks it's my reaction to PTSD, which is massively old news in my life. He's only known me for four years so this whole thing comes as a shock to him, I suppose (the people that have known me for seven years are NOT shocked at all - they all saw it coming a mile away). He thinks of me as female and he wants me to be female and he just can't handle the idea of me being male.

And it's bringing me down. He said that he would always accept anything and that I should tell him everything... and now it's obvious that that's a sack of lies. I'm sure he never dreamed this would come up, but it's been something that's been slowly, and silently (to other people - it's been quite loud to me) eating away at me.

He thinks that I wouldn't want to transition if I didn't have "bad experiences with males". I just want to yell at him that if it was a matter of trying to get away from men I'd wear a big shirt that says "I'M A BUTCH LESBIAN" and I'd carry a gun on my hip. And if it was a matter of sexuality I'd just dress in something slutty and go to a lesbian bar.

He wants to say that he's looking at it objectively, but I don't think he is, nor do I think he has anywhere near all the facts.

I hate that I've got to drop some people out of my life but the fact is that I need to take care of myself. My whole life has been spent taking care of other people while trying to destroy myself. I can't do that anymore - and so transition is important to me and my ability to live a full life. And it makes me so goddamned depressed that he's reacting this way.

I think it has everything to do with wanting me as a sexual partner and has nothing to do with it really being a 'wrong choice'.

I'm quite distraught, quite irrate... and I just don't want to have to be deeling with this. I hate thinking that people are just waiting for the other foot to drop and me to recant my want to transition... because it's not going to happen... and I neither want to put them in this position of having to deal with something so out of the norm, not do I want to go back to living the way I have been - wanting to just tear myself apart and constantly wishing that I could just crawl out of my skin.

Ugh. It leaves a pain in my chest and a lump in my throat. I just want to scream...

[Guest skyy]

i'm really sorry for what you are having to go through. it really bites when people think its just confusion, or a defence mechinism to something that has happened to you. the sad part is that when you are finally not confused and lying to yourself, when you are finally being truthful, some people you thought you could trust think it is quite the opposite. i'm really sorry he is being like that, you'd think people would support you in something that only YOU can know. i really makes me upset when people try to tell me what is happening inside my own mind. all i can say is enjoy those who do accept, and you need to vent about those who dont, feel free. better to get those feelings of betrayal out, than keep them inside. but best of luck to you, i hope he eventually figures it out.

[Guest CharliTo]

it usually takes a while for some folks I suppose.

My best friend that knew me the longest had the hardest time. It's not the fact that he wasn't accepting me....but it was more of him perceiving me as a transgendered person. Like most people, he only knew the stereotypical types you might see in entertainment shows...and of course he couldn't see that in me (and I'm not like that)...and whenever i was getting mushy, he would freak out.

Okay, I know it's a bit different, but at first, I just agreed to disagree...and if he is a true friend, he'll still be around...and he'll ask his ownself how to cope with it. Maybe he'll even talk to you to apologize. If he can't...well, then he will drift away unfortunately...and that's just how it goes.

I've been having a good streak where a lot of my friends are accepting. (unfortunately most of them left Hawaii in like, the last few semesters. :-\...can't help with that.)

mmm...either way we're around. Hope you're feeling better now after expressing yourself now. *hug*

[Guest Nelly]

Hi,

I think it has everything to do with wanting me as a sexual partner and has nothing to do with it really being a 'wrong choice'.

For me the hole story sounds like that he is falling in love with you. Sometimes people can not tell the true feelings to the person they love. I do not think that it is only some thing with having sex. If he want to have sex it would be much easier with other girls.

Best thing is to talk to him about his feelings according to you.

Greetings

Nelly

[Guest Evan_J]

I'm gonna be the voice of cynicism. If you are waiting to get the approval of everyone significant, you can forget about it now. Expect some percentage to disparage you. And be willing to move forward without em.

[Guest jantonio]

Sorry you are going through this but people who have known us for awhile have the hardest time dealing with this. I guess because in their minds they always knew you for the gender that supposedly you were born with. So it will take them time to deal with it. In my personal experience right now my sister and brother are having a tough time with me. In their minds they lost a sister. I just need to give them the space and time that they need eventhough it hurts.

Jose Antonio....

[Guest Quin]

Nelly Ya know, I would imagine you hit that square on the nail. But I'm not going to go into any other factors on his opinion of getting a date.

Evan_J I'm really not expecting everyone's approval. I already expected that I'd have to drop a few people because I knew there would be people that won't be able to deal with this. However, doesn't mean I have to like it in the least bit. From the beginning, I was fully aware of possible reactions and what positive and negative changes this would and could make in my life.

Sorry if I come off as winey or something, man. I'm just the kind of person that has to get things out or I just freakin' explode. Explosions are not exactly a great thing so I try to avoid them as best as possible.

[Guest MarkG]

I'm gonna be the voice of cynicism. If you are waiting to get the approval of everyone significant, you can forget about it now. Expect some percentage to disparage you. And be willing to move forward without em.

thanks for that. That was exactly what I needed to hear from someone today.

[Guest eshaver]

Quin, find a support group near you, now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take the boy with you too. this guy needs some enlightenment , doubt it will ever sink in but theres always hope too. I hope I'm wrong but this guy is in love with genitalia, not you . Stay in touch man , stay in touch............ Ellen Shaver

[Guest Jayce]

Unfortunately, I'm in the same position as you, Quin, with my SO. :\ Though I've done nothing about it yet, I think, ultimately, if someone's really into you, your transition really shouldn't matter.

It's really comforting to hear someone else is dealing with this. I hope it works out for the both of you in a positive way.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

He has fallen for you - and he doesn't want to lose you - you will have to educate him on what you are and where you are going. He could end up being one of your best friends for life- but you are never gonna join up with him like he is hoping to do. Ease into it - we ALL need every friend we can have in this life.

Aunt Lizzy

[Guest Little Sara]

Well it could be as some have said, that he fell in love with you and doesn't want to lose you...

or that he's uncomfortable with the concept of loving a person *for who they are* rather than their genitals (ie, he's squeamish about reviewing his concept of heteronormativity as it fits into his life - I'm more pansexual and attracted by personalities (and aware of that), so completely the opposite of that).

Trans Panic defense is based on the concept that men who like transsexual women are somehow made into gay men (or at least to admit to the possibility that they are) by their so-called "deception", and they "can't take it", and murder because of it, so my theory sounds at least plausible. The culprit is ultimately society's habit of categorizing rigidly.

Personally, I've written off the whole father's side of my family, for not accepting my transition on more than a superficial level (using my new name, but backstabbing me whenever with crude remarks and what not, not recognizing me as female, or a girl too).

[Sally]

It is the inability in our society to seperate gender from sex that causes the problems for transgendered individuals transitioning either direction. They know that you were born one sex so that is your gender, changing the sex doesn't make any difference to them because they still feel it is the same they never really got that the gender was what everything was about in the first place.

Sally

[Guest Little Sara]

It is the inability in our society to seperate gender from sex that causes the problems for transgendered individuals transitioning either direction. They know that you were born one sex so that is your gender, changing the sex doesn't make any difference to them because they still feel it is the same they never really got that the gender was what everything was about in the first place.

Sally

The term gender has so many meanings nowadays.

If you ask different people you'll get definitions such as:

1) The concept of being feminine or masculine. (feminism and liberalism in general)

2) The expression of feminity or masculinity. (feminism and liberalism in general)

3) The gender role of someone as based on their genital sex at birth. (general psychological understanding)

4) The sex of someone (as per genitals at birth). (society in general)

5) The imposition of social norms on someone that shapes their life experience in a certain way. (radfems)

6) The neurobiological predisposition of an individual to identify as one sex. Also called subconscious sex. (trans feminism and also HBS)

7) As related to genitals. (society in general)

8) As relating to (traditional) sexism (laws in the US) - by traditional I mean cissexism, heterosexism are not considered in there. Neither is transmisogyny or transmisandry.

While I strongly adhere to the notion of 6);

If I try to have a conversation with a radfem, she'll probably bring on definition 5), even if I specify I'm using definition 6). She'll say that my definition does not exist, does not make sense, is patriarchal, reifies gender roles, etc.

If I try to have a conversation with a lawyer, or a judge, they'll bring definition 8)*, 4) and 7), possibly 3) if they believe psychologists, possibly 1) and 2) if they're liberal, and very rarely 6) unless they're pro-trans. If said lawyer or judge is not pro-trans, my definition 6) will be considered irrelevant.

If I try to have a conversation with a non-accepting family member, they'll most likely bring up definitions 1), 2), 3) and 4), but not others. A somewhat-accepting one might adhere to definition 7). A very accepting one would probably consider 6) as well.

* Canada considers discrimination based on sex to include gender identity and expression. As the Charter of Rights and Liberties is made to be applied broadly and to consider new data in appropriate light. The VRR vs Kimberly Nixon case highlights that even then, it is not perfect. The definition 5) was considered admissible in a court of appeals...(and a requirement that someone have the life experience of a woman from birth onward was declared legal).

The US courts have a notion that the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and Title VII only needs concern itself with discrepancy between men and women, in biological things, transition excluded from this. Intersex in a grey area. Dress codes are considered lawful and fine and not actually sexist, even if they impose standards such as short hair on men or make-up on women for no other reason than 'image' (in a non show-oriented business - as it might be relevant there).

[Guest RainBird]

I'm in a similar situation again, this time it's not with so called friends that broke away after coming out but for a family issue.

I have great support from my mum, my sibs and the rest of my family but as for my father, he still refuses to even attempt to understand after knowing for over 2 years which will soon result in us not associating with each other anymore which is unfortunate. I agree that giving ample time for someone to adjust is fair but if someone connat accept you after a long period of time or only ever appreciates the mask you used to wear then it would not be healthy for you to be around them, it is a conflict you could really do without.

Yes it certainly hurts and it is never easy to deal with but on a positive note your transition will kind of 'filter out' the people who do not care, the ones who are still there by your side, you know really care for you and are genuine

Yes, I will always love my dad and I'd never dream of disowning him, but as far as liking him goes, well that's a different story at the moment.

He lives his life the way he wishes to, I'm living mine the way I wish to, not the way he wishes.. We only live once, make the most of it!

Much luv!

xo