I'm confused about what the heck i am

[Guest outerhaven]

I don't know if i've put this topic in the right section......but never mind.

I'll try and keep this as short as possible. I'm in my mid twenties and i've been taking testosterone since i was 19 years old and i had chest surgery when i was 21, although i still require more surgery. I've been diagnosed as transsexual twice by two different gender therapists, but lately i've been questioning whether or not i truly am transsexual.

I always had major gender dysphoria and i'm typically masculine with regard to my mannerism and overall demeanour. There's really nothing feminine about me and in fact my gender therapist said i was a classic case of transsexualsim. She said it was very obvious.

I've been identifying as male and living as male now for 6 years and it's been a lot easier. I can now walk down the street and not get stared at, i can use public restrooms without being kicked out or attacked because when i tried to use female public toilets in the past the women in there would get very scared and call security, as they thought i was male. I can also go for job interviews and actually stand a chance of getting hired, because i look normal, like a normal male and no one knows that i was born with a female sexed body. So in those ways my life is easier, despite testosterone having some major negative health affects, but i won't go into that.

The problem is i've always hated the vast majority of males (cisgendered males) i really hate masculinity, i hate the way men are and how violent or intolerant they are. It's always men who do the worst things in life, such as rapes or sexual assaults and they generally act superior to women, when in truth men are inferior to females. You may not agree with that but i love everything about the female gender, women are soft, kind, loving more connected and self aware then men. I'm talking in general terms here, obviously not all men are crap and generally it's normally only heterosexual cisgendered men i have problems with.

Because of my love for women and my general hate of men, i find that i can't relate to them or how they are, even despite how masculine acting i am. They assume i'm one of them with the same dumbass opinions and viewpoints, but i'm not like them at all and so i find myself lost. It's like i'm more male then anything else but it doesn't really fit and i'm definitely not female, but i am sensitive and loving like a woman is.

It's like i'm a mix of genders but outwardly male appearing and acting. I feel like im wearing a mask all the time, a male mask. I don't feel female at all and as i said there's nothing female of feminine about me, The only things that might be female about me is that i sometimes have the same viewpoints as women and that i feel more connected to women in a deep way.

I'm not sure if i'm explaining this very well. I'm confused about what i really am because although i have gender dysphoria and i'm masculine behaving, there's something at the core that isn't really male or female. I'm like a had intercourse up blend of everything but everything on the outside appears male in how i talk, my mannerisms and behaviour etc.

So i don't know if i really fit with being transsexual or anything... Other transmen seem to relate to being male, whereas i hate men and i hate the things that are male about me even though they are natural things about me, i'm not pretending to be masculine or male acting, it's always been there and i know i'm not female...definitely not female at all. When i tried to live as female it was even worse then how it is now, like a billion times worse and i could never manage to be female because i was just wasn't, but being male doesn't fit either because i'm so different than them.

[Guest Roux]

Talk about a difficult situation to be in.

When i tried to live as female it was even worse then how it is now, like a billion times worse and i could never manage to be female because i was just wasn't, but being male doesn't fit either because i'm so different than them.

Thankfully, there's no rule book saying how men are and should be. Yes, there are violent, abusive, intolerant, crude men out there. Yes, those men be any race, sexuality, cultural background, age, political affiliation, whatever. And yes, there are sweet, kind, gentle, helpful men out there--also from any race, sexuality, cultural background, etc. There are bad apples, okay apples, and good apples, but they are all apples.

I identify as a female-bodied androgyne--and I'm pretty freaking feminine, to be honest. One of my closest female friends is much more masculine than I am, but she identifies as 100% female. Several guys I know are even more feminine than I am, and they identify as 100% male.

I imagine gender as a color spectrum like this one, with everyone finding their own place on that spectrum. Where you are on that spectrum compared to the woman who lives next door to you, or the guy who delivered your mail this morning--or what you imagine to be the "standard male" or "standard female"--doesn't matter. You're you, and they're them. Everyone is different. True, there might be clusters of men [or women] around a certain shade or hue on the spectrum, but there are men [and women] scattered all across the spectrum. A cluster, no matter how big it is, doesn't make the outliers any less male [or female].

Just to put this out there: I've met three misogynistic women and one male misandrist. They held a very negative view of their own gender and a positive one of the opposite gender--and of course they found it difficult to deal with the fact that they themselves identified as the gender they disliked so much. Obviously I don't know you, and I'm certainly not a therapist; I'm not suggesting I have any special insight into you, your gender, or your situation. Those people were just the first thing I thought of when I read your post, and it might be helpful for you might to know that there are people out there who strongly dislike their own gender. The people I've met weren't wondering if they were (or weren't) transgender, though; your situation is a lot murkier than theirs, I think, simply because you may not be male after all.

Aside from male and female, there are a number of in-between and outside-the-spectrum identities that you might want to research. Like I said, I'm a feminine female-bodied androgyne: I'd like to have top surgery and narrower hips, but I don't want facial or chest hair; I'd like to pass as male one day and female the next; I'll be legally changing my name to a male one, and prefer male pronouns; but I don't feel I am entirely male or entirely female.

There are people who identify as third gender, but to be honest I don't know much about that except they are outside the male/female binary. There are others who don't identify with a gender at all, and who don't want to be gendered by other people. I believe you can find some threads about these (and a few other) gender identities around the forums, and hopefully someone who actually knows what they're talking about will join the conversation here.

A therapist is the best person to talk about this with, to be sure. Do you think you'd be interested in the fresh viewpoint a new therapist would offer? That's a really complex issue you're dealing with, and it sounds like it's making a mess of your life. You don't deserve the mess, and I hope you find some assistance in sorting it all out.

[Guest Holly S]

I don't think you have anything to worry about, sure in general men are dumbasses, but when a sweet one does come along, they make up for all the others. Also, men that appear intolerant and such are normally just following the crowd. Get to know someone, and then ask them if they actually believe all the rubbish they say. Normally they're pretty embarassed by their actions if you come across as clearly dissaproving. Basically what I'm saying is that you are male, just the best kind of male.

[Guest Szenzie]

I used to spend so much of my life pondering, trying to understand what it means to be a male. Being male isn't all about the arrogance, power trips, and pi-double-s-ing contests... just like being female isn't all about high heels, shallowness, and catty vindictiveness. You, sir sound like a gentleman. It's something to be proud of. As Holly said, you're of the "sweet" variety and those men... melt the heart of everyone around them There is no shortage of amazing women and men on this forum who fit outside the worst stereotypes of both genders. Gender identification and feminine/masculine tendencies are completely independent - and any inclinations otherwise are a poison to everyone, trans or cis. Putting aside masculinity and femininity... if you still feel uncomfortable, it might be a good time to see a new GT to get a fresh perspective. None of this is ever easy to understand but you should never feel ashamed to be yourself

I just had another thought that it might also be the males you're around are ... not your cup of tea? Meetup might be a great place to meet other like-minded guys.

[Guest Inverse]

I used to spend so much of my life pondering, trying to understand what it means to be a male. Being male isn't all about the arrogance, power trips, and pi-double-s-ing contests... just like being female isn't all about high heels, shallowness, and catty vindictiveness. You, sir sound like a gentleman. It's something to be proud of. As Holly said, you're of the "sweet" variety and those men... melt the heart of everyone around them There is no shortage of amazing women and men on this forum who fit outside the worst stereotypes of both genders. Gender identification and feminine/masculine tendencies are completely independent - and any inclinations otherwise are a poison to everyone, trans or cis. Putting aside masculinity and femininity... if you still feel uncomfortable, it might be a good time to see a new GT to get a fresh perspective. None of this is ever easy to understand but you should never feel ashamed to be yourself

I just had another thought that it might also be the males you're around are ... not your cup of tea? Meetup might be a great place to meet other like-minded guys.

This is a wonderful post, and just what I needed to read today, thank you. <3 I feel exactly like this~ especially when you bolded the word poison. I feel the world has been poisoned by this doctrine of gender stereotype for far too long. It makes me happy to see youths shattering it all over the world earlier, and earlier~ and smart parents of Gen X and Y allowing it to happen and flourish. I may never see this poison excised in my lifetime, but it's a beautiful thing to finally see someone letting the veins run clear...