Can't Distinguish Between Physical And Psychological...

[Guest My_Genesis]

Sometimes I can swear that there's something physical going on and it isn't just in my head, but it's kinda hard to tell. It seems as though whenever I look up intersex conditions, none of them seem to match up to what I am experiencing. One reason I think it may be physical is because my arms are very muscular, and since I don't work out or anything, the only other thing I can think of is male hormone influence. The other thing is that..this is kinda hard to explain, but I sometimes (okay, maybe almost always) have this sensation as if I had a penile amputation, and the "stump" of it is left over somewhere internally...so kinda like a phantom limb thing, but rather than feeling like I have the entire organ, I feel like I have the part that's been leftover after an amputation, but internally rather than externally. Another way to explain it is like having an internal penis, or maybe an entire male reproductive system or parts of it), that remained internal rather than being external..it's the strangest thing, and it's hard for me to determine whether or not it's all in my head, because sometimes in an area where a male's prostate would normally be...like somewhere around the bladder, it seems...kinda sensitive so I don't know whether that's actually possible or if it's only psychological, that's what really stumps me..along with the fact that I can't find any information about anything like this when I look up all the different intersex conditions. But I figure since being FTM is already so rare (what is it, like 1 in 150,000 people or something?), then I guess I have just as much, if not more of a chance that it is actually a physical issue.

The other thing is..and this is kind of related to what I've already mentioned...this whole issue for me is focused around a strong desire to have fully functional male parts. Of course, I want to look male and wear male clothing and everything, and of course I wish I could have just been born male...but the main issue revolves around lacking something physically. So I was thinking that maybe since I so strongly desire the physical aspect of it, more than anything else, maybe that's a little different from the way most FTM's feel about it? I really don't know, I just feel like I focus more on the physical aspect of it more than the other stuff that most other people tend to focus on..

That's about the best I can explain it, it's been this way since I was like 2 or 3 years old...like since I knew what a penis was, I just always wanted one, and that was my priority (as opposed to a priority of looking and appearing male and just simply living as a male)..i mean yeah, I want that too, but I want to be physically male first..so I just thought maybe that would mean something physical might be going on... I'm confused

[Guest Nelly]

Hi,

did you ever go to a doctor and get a look inside what is going on there?

Greetings

Nelly

[Guest Evan_J]

I'm with Nelly, the only way to put it to rest is put it to rest. Schedule an exam with a gyno and request an ultrasound. Base that reguest on your "sensitivity" it'll sound like you're worried about a viable possible physical issue.

[Guest My_Genesis]

does it have to be a gynecologist?

[Guest JayJaye]

Totally relate. My lack of southern anatomy has been the bane of my existence. You do have a penis. Unfortunately it's very small and called a clitoris. But ever since I was small it's like it should be there; I find that a packy works as an OK substitute, because my brain makes the connection and when I touch it it's like it's actually a part of my. Phantom penis I suppose.

I was born male; unfortunately my body didn't get the message. But internally I know it and feel it and have always known it. I do not, however, believe I am intersexed or have any genetic issues.

Jay

[Guest Lynnx]

actually females do have tissue that is analogous to the prostate. It's sometimes called the female prostate. It's really the g-spot. It's the reason some females ejaculate.

i've looked up various intersex conditions to trying to figure out what i was. I guess, through, that if your brain works like a boy, it could do boy things like make a little extra testosterone.

[Guest Jack Solomon]

does it have to be a gynecologist?

If you want to put the wondering to rest, a gyno will give you a definitive answer.... The exam part will let the doctor know if there's anything different in there. It should also confirm/unconfirm if you have a male prostate. An ultrasound gives more detail and shows up most stuff an exam doesn't in the area of reproductive organs. Unfortunately, without the basic exam most doctors probably won't give you a definitive answer or schedule the ultrasound and/or further tests.

I can relate to you on the physical aspect thing. The physical form is what we present to the world, and sex is an important element of human life and relationships. Male existence/behavior in society largely revolves around forms of competition, whether social, subtle, intellectual or subliminal cues between males. The male is generally expected to have a penis, and many of us definately seem oriented to be the penetrative partner. Not having the equipment is a pretty big thing for those of us who really have no interest in sex without it.

I'm quite preoccupied with the physical aspect as well. I'm a very logical person. Its not vanity or even perfectionism, but reality and a need to be complete. I have never felt whole in this body, frankly it disgusts me. There are some things about the female body that a male person should never experience, lol. Honestly I'm in the same boat as I often feel like the odd one out sometimes even amongst other transsexuals.

Solomon

[Guest Evan_J]

You guys aren't wierd, I don't think, at all. I would wager any FtM is making physical changes because we need the physicality -penis (or approximation), chest, to experience physical penetrative sex, facial hair - thats really the whole point of being willing to take the risk of injecting testosterone and letting someone perform surgery on you.

I gotta copy Jaye's words on this one; I was born male. It scrambled up on creating the body.

I don't just not want me to touch certain areas but anybody, and not just lower genitalia, I "hate" in a way for a woman to be sleeping with me and lay on my chest because neither she nor I are getting to feel her laying on the chest that I harbor in my soul and so its one that she can't realize how I need her to interact with it cuz all she has is what she can see. Thats a physical problem. Remedied by a physical solution.

If I want to tell her "make love to me" we both are hindered by what body I'm in; she can't figure out how to perform it sometimes so that I feel it in male ways and I'm blocked from those physical male sensations by the wrong body. How frustrated do you think I am? when its only by male sensations that I can orgasm.

And while I might do a little over time when the scene's reversed to make sure she's physically satisfied (I can't believe I'm discussing this here.... ) she's still not getting it to the extreme via skin on skin that she would otherwise and neither am I.

**clears throat, goes back to trying to look like a good boy....** christ, thank god the MtF's aren't in here lol

[Guest Jackson]

It all just makes you want to bang your head against the wall, doesn't it?

My therapist, yet again, broke my little dream about being able to get myself to that pefect image I have in my head. And I realized that from that "Want list" everyone had, that things were missing. Like how about: I want my body to be able to perform exactly the way it should including the "explosive" end of relations. Is that so wrong to want that? No, but in thinking of all this, I realized that it meant that much to me. There are days that I would sell my soul to be able to experience relations the "right way". Surgery is nothing. I'll willing go through any amount of physical pain to attain what I consider to be the correct physical form. And at the rate medical science is going, I don't think I'll ever see it. Not perfectly.

And why, for something so small (relatively in the big scheme of life, the universe, and everything) does it mean that much to me? Why should I care that much about it when there are so many other things I should care about? But I can't. I'm fixated on it.

Besides, I've given up on being a good boy. Like Tim McGraw says "I may be a real bad boy, but I'm a real good man."

[Guest Evan_J]

lol@

Besides, I've given up on being a good boy. Like Tim McGraw says "I may be a real bad boy, but I'm a real good man."

I'm tryin not to scare peeps bro. lol

But yeah, I want the volcanic ending too. Please don't make me confess that I'm deeply researching how likely it is to uh..... "volcanic".....through a meta. I mean, its not like you can't ejaculate currently. I'm gettin really close to that pg13 line here aren't I?

[Guest Chrissie]

You guys aren't wierd, I don't think, at all. I would wager any FtM is making physical changes because we need the physicality -penis (or approximation), chest, to experience physical penetrative sex, facial hair - thats really the whole point of being willing to take the risk of injecting testosterone and letting someone perform surgery on you.

I gotta copy Jaye's words on this one; I was born male. It scrambled up on creating the body.

I don't just not want me to touch certain areas but anybody, and not just lower genitalia, I "hate" in a way for a woman to be sleeping with me and lay on my chest because neither she nor I are getting to feel her laying on the chest that I harbor in my soul and so its one that she can't realize how I need her to interact with it cuz all she has is what she can see. Thats a physical problem. Remedied by a physical solution.

If I want to tell her "make love to me" we both are hindered by what body I'm in; she can't figure out how to perform it sometimes so that I feel it in male ways and I'm blocked from those physical male sensations by the wrong body. How frustrated do you think I am? when its only by male sensations that I can orgasm.

And while I might do a little over time when the scene's reversed to make sure she's physically satisfied (I can't believe I'm discussing this here.... ) she's still not getting it to the extreme via skin on skin that she would otherwise and neither am I.

**clears throat, goes back to trying to look like a good boy....** christ, thank god the MtF's aren't in here lol

Who says we aren't lurking about? We're just giggling in the dark and taking pictures, Evan...

Don't worry I'll make sure you get copies of the pictures before we post them on the internet.

Jokes aside... Know that many MTFs go through similar Physical/Psychological issues as well. and in most cases Would trade features with you in a heart beat.

[Guest Evan_J]

Who says we aren't lurking about? We're just giggling in the dark and taking pictures, Evan...

Don't worry I'll make sure you get copies of the pictures before we post them on the internet.

rofl ......errr have I ever mentioned what a charming name I think Chrissie is......lets talk about this.... lol

[Guest My_Genesis]

Someone told me in another thread awhile back..maybe it was you, Evan..that the test for that is a rectal exam. no one mentioned a pelvic exam. I don't see any way in hell im gonna let that happen.

And I'm in the same boat as Jackson..with the whole "right way" "explosive" thing

[Guest Evan_J]

No, that wouldn't have been me. Rectal exams are for bio men. It's how they get checked for cancer and enlarged prostates and such. Sorry but yeah, the other ways how they examin ovaries. Yes, thats the FtM equivalent to having your head cut off and all your organs removed with a lawnmower but think of it like this, its a tiny step toward ultimately having all of that removed so that you never EVER have to think about it again. Imagine that its a minor prelude to the testing for your vaginectomy- a procedure that will leave you as smooth as Ken down there with the exception of your meta or phallo or whatever you have.

[Guest Jack Solomon]

Someone told me in another thread awhile back..maybe it was you, Evan..that the test for that is a rectal exam. no one mentioned a pelvic exam. I don't see any way in hell im gonna let that happen.

And I'm in the same boat as Jackson..with the whole "right way" "explosive" thing

A total exam on the female area can include the rectal exam portion. It is optional (at the doctor's or patient's suggestion/advisory) and is used to provide a more thorough exam of the area from a different angle. This is typically done as a more direct way for the doctor to feel/scope the wall lining between the female area and the rectum for signs of endometriosis and other conditions, but would confirm if you had a prostate. However, it is unlikely they will do the rectal portion without doing the other, because unfortunately they go together on a person with a female downstairs. I had it done and while its unpleasant, checking for endo conditions is generally why it's done. From the other portion of the exam they will also be able to confirm if you have some type of minor intersex condition, like say for example you have one ovary and one testes, or a partially developed 'other' to explain these sensations you described.

Yeah, I agree that if possible I want never to do it again, but it will give you a definitive answer on what's up down there.

Solomon

[Guest My_Genesis]

well that's depressing..

i guess i want to know badly enough, though, to get my head chopped off and my organs removed with a lawn mower. (wait, that depends which organs...)

[Guest My_Genesis]

okay, I have a kinda embarrassing question related to all this:

since i was about 2 years old, this whole thing has been primarily about physical stuff, not gender identity. like ever since then, rather than thinking something along the lines of "I'm a guy, I wish I was just born a guy" etc, its been like "I just HAVE to have a penis"...although from the time i was 2 years old until now it;s evolved into "I *need* a penis because I just have to have sex with a penis."

so i just think about this obsessively...this is primarily what I struggle with when it comes to trans stuff. Rather than trying to present as male and stuff, my mind is just fixated on me wanting a penis..like pretty much 24/7..even if im not consciously thinking about it it's somewhere in the back of my head, subconsciously. i dont really want to attempt to present as male because i don't really feel comfortable doing that...idk, i dont want people to question my gender when they see me, which is why i just "pretend" to be female right now...or as much as i can lol...i mean i dress kind of gender neutral, like i dont wear anything excessively girly...probably the girliest thing i wear are flared jeans (speaking of that, im into the whole rock scene, so i think i;d probably still wear flared jeans as a guy..anyone know where to get those for a reasonable price? the only ones i can find are designer lol)...but anyway my point is no one has ever questioned my gender and i'd like to keep it that way as a male as well..thats another thing thats weird about my whole situation..first of all, im very all-or-nothing about gender...personally, i mean. im really trying to avoid that whole androgynous look...i just want to look exactly like a male, and be physically exactly like a male, i dont see how i'd be happy if i wasn't. secondly, im very close-minded about sexuality and all that...even compared to bioguys. like ive spoken to a lot of guys recently who have said things about lesbian and bisexual women being attractive, and im attracted solely (and very strongly ) to straight women. so every time im talking to a straight guy and they say something like "lesbians are hot" i keep thinking "wow..what happened to me? did i not develop into a male physically because all the testosterone refused to go anywhere other than my head?"

anyway...back to my point (wow i just went off on about 3 different tangents at once lol)...im always focused more on physical stuff than anything else..its just like "I have to be a guy because i have to have sex and i dont know how much longer i can take this" ..and everything else is pretty much secondary to that...like i want to have a male body more than i want to wear male clothes to cover it..idk if that helps to explain it at all lol..so yeah my point with all this..including the tangents i went off on lol...is that i feel a lot different even from other ftm's because my "symptoms" seem a bit atypical ..which is part of why i was asking about physical vs. psychological

[Guest My_Genesis]

Not having the equipment is a pretty big thing for those of us who really have no interest in sex without it.

lol, for me it's more like "a pretty big thing for those of us who really want sex with it."

and yeah im basically always like this ^

which is really annoying...

it's like a never-endng male puberty with no outlet..which probably explains why it's never-ending.

[Guest My_Genesis]

lol sorry this is gonna be my third post in a row

but i forgot ive been meaning to ask this:

arent there other ways they can find stuff like that? like an X-Ray type thing that isn't as..invasive?