Is Dating Easier For Trans-guys Than For Trans-girls?

[Guest Drew]

so, i've noticed lately that a lot of trans-guys that i know or that i've met, including quite a few guys here, have a girlfriend/boyfriend, fiance(e) or some kind of significant other. sometimes they had previously been in a "lesbian" relationship and other times they had met after or during transition. now, this doesn't seem to be true of as many trans-girls. i'm sure that there are quite a few trans-girls (and guys for that matter) who simply don't want to be in a relationship or out on "the dating scene", but i've also met quite a few trans-girls who would like to be in a relationship but find that guys aren't too accepting of their trans-ness. maybe guys think that it would be "gay" to go out with a trans-woman, maybe their too insecure with their own masculinity? alot of these girls are the kind of people that you can't help but to think "how are they still single?!" when you meet them so i think that this is kind of stupid. any opinions?

Drew

[Guest RainBird]

Hey Drew

On a positive note, finding a hubby, girlfriend or a date may be more difficult for us than GG-boys & girls due to narrow mindedness, lack of understanding and such, but when we do find a special someone, we know that they really care and respect us for who we are.

Almost like to say, our chances of finding someone special is based on quality rather than quantity, if that makes sense

I've been single for a long time now, I just need to be patient, Mr right is out there somewhere.

xx

[Guest Keira]

I'm not sure. In some ways, I think transgirls may actually have it easier, as there seems be a certain element of the male population who are attracted to transgirls especially. Myself and many of my transgirl friends are regularly approached when we go out to bars and clubs in the city... but of course, that's usually by guys just wanting to hook up for the night.

[Guest Noah]

Hey Drew,

I definitely agree about a lot of bio men being too insecure in their own sexualities to date trans-women. It's ridiculous, you're right. Many are scared to been seen as gay, even though in all seriousness they would only been seen as incredibly lucky to have gotten with such beautiful women. My brother's best friend is engaged to a trans-woman. It doesn't bother him at all and he doesn't care if others are bothered. I think people like that are few and far between, unfortunately. We're still in that time where people, when they're attracted to a trans person, believe that in some way their sexuality has been altered. Odd. Good topic.

Noah.

[Guest CharliTo]

I want a girlfriend...but I think I just have a bad streak right now. =_= sigh...

I dunno, I always wondered that too... :-3 I guess for my ownself, I think I can blame my timidness...but I haven't really had a chance to ask out anybody since I decided to transition...sooo hopefully it'll be different when the chance rolls to me again.

[Guest Evan_J]

Yes, I think its the guys (both trans and non) who shy away for whatever reasons -both flat out bigotry and indiv mental blocks. And bear in mind in the matter of FtMs -esp those who previously went as "lesbians"- there's almost a hypersensitivity to anything even formerly attached to maleness or masculinity. Why do you think we get thrown out of lesbian spaces lol. When you take all of those different factors and then add on the part where usually the girl is the one "waiting" to be asked out....... (cuz again, some dudes don't like to be asked)

.....why do I always end up smiling and blushing when I write things to the mtf community around here...geesh lol

Oh and for the record, like Drew said, some of you ladies are definately hawt.

[Guest Nelly]

Hi,

for me it was hard to get a relationship with a girl. Most time they only want me as a friend and not as a partner to spent the rest of life. I think it based on the fact that I am not like a normal man should be. I give a lot to them what they are missing with a relation with a man but they get it from they girl friends.

If you take the normal rules for dating, boys must ask girls.. If you feel like a girl you are waiting that some is asking you. But that never happen because all ohter girls are also waiting.

A daughter of a friend of my mother (a total stranger for me ) was married to a man. Something happen that the relationship broke apart. Now she moved together with a FTM and is happy. I read about FTM that this is very often accepted more easy with a woman as a partner. All the things womans are looking for they get it from a FTM just a bit better. If it is going to having sex, they can life with it. Some also report that sex with a FTM is better than with a real man. I do not know if this is right.

Greetings

Nelly

[Guest Jack Solomon]

I agree that men (both straight and gay) do seem to have more of an active hypersensitivity problem towards trans people, but I have also heard of some pretty scummy stories/opinions regarding women towards transmen....bigots come in many flavors and many women are very rigid about their idea of a man.

Interestingly, I always generally gathered from my research that transwomen seem to obtain relationships at an easier rate than transguys. Personally, I've heard more 'success' stories of transgirls than of transguys on the topic of relationships, particularly in terms of number/opportunity. The rate of actually solid long-term relationships appears about the same however, although I've seen significantly less data on transmen who have bio male partners.

Also, I have noticed from my historical research many transwomen in media or career positions where they lived totally as a female, including within the context of relationships. In certain ways, it seems more easy to be stealth for the transwoman, especially after lower surgery and in sexual situations....although transmen have historically had less visibility so that may be one reason there seems to be less in the way of examples there. There are even some post-op transwomen out there who have been married for years without their husband ever knowing of their past...this would be very difficult if not impossible for the typical transman, unfortunately. Considering that the equivelent surgery for transguys is in most cases more limited, more of them appear to be forced to be 'out' on the dating/relationship scene. While this is not a negative for some, it is for others, who will probably avoid many dating opportunities because of it.

So in my opinion, no, dating is not easier for transguys than girls, but it also varies from person to person. Some people will be comfortable being 'out' on the dating scene and others will not, and the prospective partners in question will not always be okay with a transsexual in either case.

Solomon

[Guest Sheila]

I've been single all of my life with the exception of a few girlfriends, but these never lasted. When I see that most t-girls like men, I do not, then i really feel like an outsider. I must really be messed up. I have always wanted a lasting loving relationship with a GG but know this will never happen and have accepted my aloneness. So in reply to your question, I don't date so I wouldn't know if it's easier or not. It's not easy being alone though, this I know for a fact.

[Guest Nekomata]

Solution: Date other trans people!

[Guest jantonio]

Interesting topic Drew. When I started transitioning I didn't want to date then in a twist of fate I met a nice bio woman and she's been great to me. I guess what I am trying to say is that love will come to us whenever we don't expect it to happen and just have patience. But I do agree that society is still way non-tolerent because of fear and lack of understanding I dunno.

When I came out at work one woman said to me "but you will never have a girlfriend" and I said but I do have one now. She was like shocked, I guess in her mind she couldn't understand why a bio woman would date a trans guy. Yeah, society is funny that way.

Jose Antonio...

[Sally]

I am lucky enough that I do not have to worry about dating - my wife is stating with me throughout the transition. It is interesting that I have heard of a lot of couples (MTF and wife) manage to stay together and the wife never really thinks of herself as being a lesbian - but in the case of FTM and husband it is almost a given that they will split up. Aparently males are a great deal more worried about apperances than females - not what you would think from watching each gender getting ready to leave the house. Masculinity seems to be very fragile and must be gaurded and protected at all times, while feminity is very secure and nurturing.

There are men and women that do not care as much about the packaging as they do about what's inside. When I was trying to be masculine, I always tried to date the cheerleader types - I had nothing in common with any of them so nothing ever came of those attempted relationships. when I reached the 'love will cure me' stage, I actually started dating the woman for who she was, not - was she tall, sexy and blonde. We got married and after I told her I was a transsexual and needed to transition she wanted to stay - didn't even need to think about it. My therapist said that she obviously felt safe with me and that my more feminine qualities had always been present and that was probably why she dated me in the first place - she had been in an abusive relationship before - never again.

In summary, male ego - large, probably over-inflated and therefor very easy to pop, female ego - can get over-inflated, but in general kept in check by the maternal instincts (that's why we are drawn to the wrong men - we want to help them).

Sally

[Guest gisellerenarde]

I've been single all of my life with the exception of a few girlfriends, but these never lasted. When I see that most t-girls like men, I do not, then i really feel like an outsider. I must really be messed up. I have always wanted a lasting loving relationship with a GG but know this will never happen and have accepted my aloneness. So in reply to your question, I don't date so I wouldn't know if it's easier or not. It's not easy being alone though, this I know for a fact.

Hi Sheila,

You don't have to feel alone. In fact, much of your statements sounds like something my girlfriend might have said...before she met me of course She wasn't all that interested in guys anyway, but she was dead set against dating them because she imagined that anyone who would want to date her must be a disrespectful Transgender-chaser - her words. I don't think she'd ever conceived of a GG wanting to be anything more than friends.

When I expressed an interest in being with her (ok, more than an interest...my heart was set on it) she was really in disbelief. She didn't understand what I saw in her (umm...like...hello: beautiful, smart, funny...need I go on?) and honestly, she didn't trust my intentions. Since she wasn't stealth with me, it took her a long time to believe that I truly see her as a girl. She was so afraid that I saw her as some kind of novelty, or that I just got off on knowing "the secret."

I know that, for my partner, TRUST was the biggest obstacle. That obstacle was not insurmountable, it just took her time to realize that my view of who she is is aligned with her own. And you're right, Sheila: it isn't easy being alone, but aloneness doesn't have to last forever, especially when you've got so many friends and allies here online.

Bright Blessings,

Giselle

[Guest Evan_J]

I am lucky enough that I do not have to worry about dating - my wife is stating with me throughout the transition. It is interesting that I have heard of a lot of couples (MTF and wife) manage to stay together and the wife never really thinks of herself as being a lesbian - but in the case of FTM and husband it is almost a given that they will split up. Aparently males are a great deal more worried about apperances than females - not what you would think from watching each gender getting ready to leave the house. Masculinity seems to be very fragile and must be gaurded and protected at all times, while feminity is very secure and nurturing.

There are men and women that do not care as much about the packaging as they do about what's inside. When I was trying to be masculine, I always tried to date the cheerleader types - I had nothing in common with any of them so nothing ever came of those attempted relationships. when I reached the 'love will cure me' stage, I actually started dating the woman for who she was, not - was she tall, sexy and blonde. We got married and after I told her I was a transsexual and needed to transition she wanted to stay - didn't even need to think about it. My therapist said that she obviously felt safe with me and that my more feminine qualities had always been present and that was probably why she dated me in the first place - she had been in an abusive relationship before - never again.

In summary, male ego - large, probably over-inflated and therefor very easy to pop, female ego - can get over-inflated, but in general kept in check by the maternal instincts (that's why we are drawn to the wrong men - we want to help them).

Sally

oooo good stuff. And you hit most of it on the head Sally.

If a woman says she's lesbian some women may frown but almost all of the men and some of the women will merely say "oh, she's a freak/kinky/liberal".

But for a man if he's deemed "the f word" by mainstream society both men and women (with the exception of gay men) will see it as "shameful". So men are hyper conscious of actions, words, dress, associates, gestures, you name it otherwise he basically gets let know that he's "an embarassment" to the word men and not one.

And in truth -yes I think about these kinds of things- it stems from what men think of what they do with women during sex. -That because she's been penetrated, "had", ejaculated inside of she's now less, lower, 'not as good' and so any person who allows one of them to do that is lower too.

Ok, I better be careful before they take my men's card away lol.

[Guest Alice4016]

There is a point to this...just stick with me if you can please lol...it's a lot of rambling but it comes together lol..I hope...

My wife and I are sticking together, although we do present as lesbian (we both had to come out with that to our parents, family, etc...) we didn't think of it as an issue until someone asked us and we were kinda like "yeah, I guess that would make us lesbian"...here's the catch though, and I was wondering if anyone else has done/heard of this. We are both bisexual , meaning both more attracted to guys (physically)...but (no offense) repulsed by the idea of being in a long term relationship with them. I mean we will still be together, we enjoy "going for it" lol...with each other, and still plan to post-op...it's just we'd both like a guy to be there sometimes so we've come up with this: We will be in a closed relationship, where if we both like what we see in the window we'll unlock the door and share lol. Remember the love is there we're not doing to b/c were not satisfied with each other (we've decided that we could go totally lesbian, lol..I really don't mean any of this to be offensive if it is...if we find ourselves being to "put off" by the male population), it's just that we both want a...cough..um...you get the idea....at some point along the line

So...how this applies to dating: we'll pretty much pull ourselves out of the scene unless we get bored, then drop back in as needed. I'm thinking that (assuming, and it seems to be true lol, most guys have the threesome fantasy) we'll have an easier chance getting a guy to "help" us because we are two women...

here's our question: We're thinking that a FTM and Male couple would have a harder time getting a woman to join them because:

1. Two guys, one girl...no fun for the girl (we think it'd get to...controlling?).

2. Some women still see (for what reason I don't know) FTM as still female (just as they would see me as still male) and would then be less inclined to go with them.

But: (now remember I don't pass 100% of the time..I think the pictures posted were pre hair removal etc...so I pass a little better, but not 100%) We've noticed, from the few we've "picked up" I guess you could say lol...when they hear I am MTF they don't flip out (if they are going to) until they ask the "pre or post" question. It seems that as long as we are post-op (trans-women in general), and can "fulfill their needs", most men don't seem to care about our pasts. It's when you tell them that "hardware" is still messed up that they freak out...but they seem to be more willing to help us knowing that my wife will be there (and once you get them home and get their hormones going they seem to forget anything is wrong actually lol...)

Anyway..the point is this. (sorry to ramble all this sexual nonsense to reach this point lol...I'm a bit out there today...) (remember nothing is intended to be offensive, just going off of experience I've picked up dealing with local guys around here). Most men seem to put sex as a top priority in a relationship and as long as you can "fulfill" your end of the bargain they don't care if you've been a unicorn, but women tend to put love trust etc. as a top priority. Maybe the reason we've had more luck than FTM's is because once a guy learns I can/will be able to keep him happy that's the end of his thought process and we're good to go, with a woman we will worry if the guy (ftm..only specifying for ease of reading) will be able to fulfill the other parts of a relationship (of course you can, just as well as any other man...it's just a matter of showing those who don't already understand this). Does this make sense to anyone? This is why I think it's easier for transwomen to find a date than transmen..maybe I've just had different experiences, but oh well...my .02 (sorry for it being so awkward and long...at least it felt long typing this.)

[Guest Evan_J]

Ok, lemme try to condense in my head.....

MtF (post op esp) have an easier time finding a sex partner if not a long term relationship? Yeah, I'll go with that. But I have to base that on "outside" observance and testimony. And certainly it doesn't mean that mtfs don't have relationships.

[Guest Keira]

Ok, lemme try to condense in my head.....

MtF (post op esp) have an easier time finding a sex partner if not a long term relationship? Yeah, I'll go with that. But I have to base that on "outside" observance and testimony. And certainly it doesn't mean that mtfs don't have relationships.

I think that's true. However, I don't think it matters at all whether we're pre-op or post-op... it's really surprising how many straight guys are comfortable (or even prefer!) being with a pre-op transgirl

[Guest doodle]

my experience is that trans-girls do better. There is a trans-guy at my job one of my bosses that isn't doing that well in fact he has been single for over a decade and told me he would love the have an s/o in his live . He has a number of women really break his heart. As a trans-girl you can always get a guy. Even a straight guy many of them like trans girls because they are more apt to follow orders; in other words be a good sex partner/ wife. I dated a guy for months and his apartment was spotless but when i moved in the place was a mess. It looked like he had a party and didn't invite me. I asked him what the heck happened he said, I let the cleaning women go. I figure you want to be a women so it wouldn't be a bother. You would even enjoy cleaning the place. He was not joking. As long as I was willing to: put out on demand, cook, clean, iron,hand my earnings over, keep myself clean and hot looking, not beat his at chess or it was oral sex on demand for a few days (boring ) kept my mouth shut when and attend to him when we were out =you know like put sugar and milk in his coffee he didn't care if i ever had Srs He thought I was great. He was getting everything and no chance of babies.

It really depends on the person your are but if you fat and sloppy its going to be hard.

doodle

[Guest Keira]

my experience is that trans-girls do better. There is a trans-guy at my job one of my bosses that isn't doing that well in fact he has been single for over a decade and told me he would love the have an s/o in his live . He has a number of women really break his heart. As a trans-girl you can always get a guy. Even a straight guy many of them like trans girls because they are more apt to follow orders; in other words be a good sex partner/ wife. I dated a guy for months and his apartment was spotless but when i moved in the place was a mess. It looked like he had a party and didn't invite me. I asked him what the heck happened he said, I let the cleaning women go. I figure you want to be a women so it wouldn't be a bother. You would even enjoy cleaning the place. He was not joking. As long as I was willing to: put out on demand, cook, clean, iron,hand my earnings over, keep myself clean and hot looking, not beat his at chess or it was oral sex on demand for a few days (boring ) kept my mouth shut when and attend to him when we were out =you know like put sugar and milk in his coffee he didn't care if i ever had Srs He thought I was great. He was getting everything and no chance of babies.

It really depends on the person your are but if you fat and sloppy its going to be hard.

doodle

Well I hope you stood up for yourself! We can do much better than that. There's lots of guys out there who do treat us with respect.

[Guest Evan_J]

No doubt lol. I'm the high-king of chauvanists and even I ain't that bad....I don't think.....hang on lemme read that list again....lol I'm kidding. My thing was that it was easy for women period to get sex partners if nobody caught it. When is a man (and I'm includin me and the fellas on the board -particularly some of ya now that ya on T-you know who you are lol) when is a man not looking for sex? Fellas have to wait to find out if we can get it. It's where the dynamic turned around from the waiting to be asked on dates. Once we get to sex, the boys get to wait. Yes, no, will she, won't she. Thats the big reason men have "less ease" in that regard. He can be handsome, charming, and a ladykiller but he will have to wait for her greenlight. You will be hard pressed to find any woman in the world who cannot get sex. She can be the biggest, sloppiest, illiterate, snaggle toothed, smelliest woman she wants to and some man needs to do it enough that he will ignore all of that until 5 minutes after. Even Mr. Handsome-charming, if its the right day and he needs it right then will take her.

[Guest TinaLynn]

As for myself i was lucky enough to have this sweet man on one of the traditional strieght dating sites i stated in my

profile that i was a male to female transgender lady. and he was fine with it. and has been very sweet and

loving ane very much the gentle man.

He's a soon tobe rertited from the millitary a divorce single father of very handsome little boy.

I write this to give you all hope that is someone out there for all of us.

[Guest Hoslers_wife]

This is the age old question of who has it harder. A lot of gay guys thinks lesbians are so much better of and are much more socially acceptable. I completely disagree with that but as far as who has it easier in the dating scene in general between tgirls and Tmen I think your right. I think women find it easier in some aspects to relate to Tmen. Especially if the woman happens to be gay. It's all very confusing but I truely believe everyone has a soul mate. Thank god I've found mine and I wish everyone else the same bliss.

Love,

Chelsey hosler

[Guest Jewel]

Hmmm... this is a tricky one. I'm hesitant to guess whether trans guys have a tougher time than trans girls. I think that despite the similarities in our situations, there are enough differences that the social and dating dynamics are hard to compare.

Trans women are by FAR more fetishized. Do a search for a trans dating site and almost in every case, they:

1. treat transexual as a term meaning ONLY pre-op or non-op trans women

2. lump together crossdressers and transsexuals in one category which is listed as a third sex

3. constantly refer to us as "crossdressers", "heshes", "chicks with dicks", and numerous other highly offensive terms.

4. have almost no cis women on the site looking for trans women... it's at least 99% men.

So if you're a trans woman who like guys, and you don't mind being desired almost solely for the very part of your anatomy which you're probably the least comfortable with and most dysphoric about, then you can definitely hook up for sex. A real relationship is an entirely different matter, however. It's not that there aren't "admirers" out there who might consider a long term relationship. But most "admirers" seem to be out to fulfill some porn-industry-derived fantasy about being with a "crossdresser." You'll be their dirty little secret, but nothing more. If you post a profile on such a site, expect to get dozens and dozens of responses within your first day. Most of them will include penis pictures and explicit descriptions of all the sex acts they desire. Seriously creepy. And it makes perfectly clear what you are to them - a sex toy.

So what about more traditional dating sites and/or meeting people in the usual places... and not disclosing you're trans at first? Well that goes great at first. If you're post-op maybe you might just choose to never disclose. Some live that way. And from that point of view, well... women in general, not just trans women, definitely have it easier than guys if all they want is to "hook up."

But if you're not comfortable hiding your past... if you want something long-term... or if you're pre-op or non-op... then eventually you have to disclose. And there's the problem that both trans women and men face. And it's hard for us all.

I try not to get down about it. But it has happened SO many times now. I'll go out for a few dates. Everything seems great. He or she seems really into me and tells me (s)he thinks I'm amazing/cute/smart/fun/whatever. There's obviously a lot of chemistry and attraction. We get to the point where it's obvious I have to disclose before things go any further. And literally in an instant, everything turns around 180 degrees. The guy who was minutes ago saying lovey-dovey things about how special I am is suddenly looking at me with horror and disgust. Or the girl who was kissing me and telling me how I "get her" so well is suddenly inching to the other side of the sofa and saying things like, "Oh, well you know I admire 'trannies' so much - they're so brave to live like they do - but I'm sorry, I'm not into men." Ouch. I'm the same woman I was a minute ago before I told you, dammit.

Maybe I've just had bad luck. But thus far, disclosing I'm trans has been an instant show-stopper. The only exceptions have been a couple of guys who were okay with secret sex but too ashamed of what their friends and family would think if they found out. So there's the rub. Straight cis guys tend to be homophobic. I don't say transphobic because I think most of them don't really see it as a "trans" issue... what they're worried about is that being with a trans women somehow means they're gay... or that their friends or family will think that. They may fetishize us. They may have sex with us. But they're terrified of it.

So what about lesbians? It's really disheartening when you realize that trans-men are generally more welcome in the lesbian community than trans women, even in supposedly "women only" spaces and events. Personally I would think that this is insulting to the guys, but so often I've seen trans guys who seem to want it both ways.

I had a profile on one lesbian/bi-girl dating site for a while. I thought it was really encouraging that the site actually had a way to specify whether you were a trans woman, a trans man, a cis woman, etc. And it had ways to specify whether you're willing to date trans women, trans men, etc. So its matching system took those things into account. What wasn't so encouraging is what I found after filling out my profile. If I checked off that I was a "trans woman," I got a total of 5 matches in my area. Two of them other trans women. If I checked off that I was a "cis woman", I got over 300 matches in my area. If I checked off that I was a "trans man," I got about 50 matches in my area. So uhm... wow. Less than 2% of the queer women in my area who were on that site were even willing to consider dating a trans woman.

Did I say OUCH before? Illusions of acceptance shattered.

So yeah... if we're talking just about sex, I'd say that all straight women, trans or not, have it easier than trans men of whatever orientation. Evan as usual put it sooo well, LOL,

"She can be the biggest, sloppiest, illiterate, snaggle toothed, smelliest woman she wants to and some man needs to do it enough that he will ignore all of that until 5 minutes after."

It's a different situation for those who want more than sex. There I think both the guys and the girls are in the same boat. And it's a hard boat to row. Cherish it if you've managed to find acceptance - it can be rare.

Wow... I just wrote a long rant, didn't I? Sorry for the mountain of text, LOL. I guess I'm just licking some fresh wounds.

[Guest Hoslers_wife]

Hmmm... this is a tricky one. I'm hesitant to guess whether trans guys have a tougher time than trans girls. I think that despite the similarities in our situations, there are enough differences that the social and dating dynamics are hard to compare.

Trans women are by FAR more fetishized. Do a search for a trans dating site and almost in every case, they:

1. treat transexual as a term meaning ONLY pre-op or non-op trans women

2. lump together crossdressers and transsexuals in one category which is listed as a third sex

3. constantly refer to us as "crossdressers", "heshes", "chicks with dicks", and numerous other highly offensive terms.

4. have almost no cis women on the site looking for trans women... it's at least 99% men.

So if you're a trans woman who like guys, and you don't mind being desired almost solely for the very part of your anatomy which you're probably the least comfortable with and most dysphoric about, then you can definitely hook up for sex. A real relationship is an entirely different matter, however. It's not that there aren't "admirers" out there who might consider a long term relationship. But most "admirers" seem to be out to fulfill some porn-industry-derived fantasy about being with a "crossdresser." You'll be their dirty little secret, but nothing more. If you post a profile on such a site, expect to get dozens and dozens of responses within your first day. Most of them will include penis pictures and explicit descriptions of all the sex acts they desire. Seriously creepy. And it makes perfectly clear what you are to them - a sex toy.

So what about more traditional dating sites and/or meeting people in the usual places... and not disclosing you're trans at first? Well that goes great at first. If you're post-op maybe you might just choose to never disclose. Some live that way. And from that point of view, well... women in general, not just trans women, definitely have it easier than guys if all they want is to "hook up."

But if you're not comfortable hiding your past... if you want something long-term... or if you're pre-op or non-op... then eventually you have to disclose. And there's the problem that both trans women and men face. And it's hard for us all.

I try not to get down about it. But it has happened SO many times now. I'll go out for a few dates. Everything seems great. He or she seems really into me and tells me (s)he thinks I'm amazing/cute/smart/fun/whatever. There's obviously a lot of chemistry and attraction. We get to the point where it's obvious I have to disclose before things go any further. And literally in an instant, everything turns around 180 degrees. The guy who was minutes ago saying lovey-dovey things about how special I am is suddenly looking at me with horror and disgust. Or the girl who was kissing me and telling me how I "get her" so well is suddenly inching to the other side of the sofa and saying things like, "Oh, well you know I admire 'trannies' so much - they're so brave to live like they do - but I'm sorry, I'm not into men." Ouch. I'm the same woman I was a minute ago before I told you, dammit.

Maybe I've just had bad luck. But thus far, disclosing I'm trans has been an instant show-stopper. The only exceptions have been a couple of guys who were okay with secret sex but too ashamed of what their friends and family would think if they found out. So there's the rub. Straight cis guys tend to be homophobic. I don't say transphobic because I think most of them don't really see it as a "trans" issue... what they're worried about is that being with a trans women somehow means they're gay... or that their friends or family will think that. They may fetishize us. They may have sex with us. But they're terrified of it.

So what about lesbians? It's really disheartening when you realize that trans-men are generally more welcome in the lesbian community than trans women, even in supposedly "women only" spaces and events. Personally I would think that this is insulting to the guys, but so often I've seen trans guys who seem to want it both ways.

I had a profile on one lesbian/bi-girl dating site for a while. I thought it was really encouraging that the site actually had a way to specify whether you were a trans woman, a trans man, a cis woman, etc. And it had ways to specify whether you're willing to date trans women, trans men, etc. So its matching system took those things into account. What wasn't so encouraging is what I found after filling out my profile. If I checked off that I was a "trans woman," I got a total of 5 matches in my area. Two of them other trans women. If I checked off that I was a "cis woman", I got over 300 matches in my area. If I checked off that I was a "trans man," I got about 50 matches in my area. So uhm... wow. Less than 2% of the queer women in my area who were on that site were even willing to consider dating a trans woman.

Did I say OUCH before? Illusions of acceptance shattered.

So yeah... if we're talking just about sex, I'd say that all straight women, trans or not, have it easier than trans men of whatever orientation. Evan as usual put it sooo well, LOL,

"She can be the biggest, sloppiest, illiterate, snaggle toothed, smelliest woman she wants to and some man needs to do it enough that he will ignore all of that until 5 minutes after."

It's a different situation for those who want more than sex. There I think both the guys and the girls are in the same boat. And it's a hard boat to row. Cherish it if you've managed to find acceptance - it can be rare.

Wow... I just wrote a long rant, didn't I? Sorry for the mountain of text, LOL. I guess I'm just licking some fresh wounds.

After reading this I wanted to share something. I had a tgirl friend a couple years ago and if I hadn't been dating nick at the time I would have pursued a relationship with her. She was absolutely adorable and we really clicked but she was straight and I was involved with someone.:-) the things that could have been :-)

[Guest Jewel]

After reading this I wanted to share something. I had a tgirl friend a couple years ago and if I hadn't been dating nick at the time I would have pursued a relationship with her. She was absolutely adorable and we really clicked but she was straight and I was involved with someone.:-) the things that could have been :-)

Thanks for sharing that

It really does make me feel better hearing that. Most of the time I'm such an upbeat person, but I guess lately the dating situation has gotten me down. It's encouraging to at least see on the forums that relationships DO work out for trans girls and guys, even if we have a few more obstacle than average...