My weird thoughts.

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

I know weird shouldnt ever be used but to me that is what they are. I havent had years of thinking "I am a woman" just years of knowing I wasnt a man and wishing I was a woman. I never even imagined myself as a woman. I have imagined various magical and non-magical things happening to me to turn me into a woman but beyond the immediate reaction after the transformation my mind never wandered. It almost cant go there now. It still seems like a fairy tale to me. The thought "I am a woman" still isnt in my mind. I feel like an "it". I still feel like something that looks human and is tolerated but really doesnt fit in. This thought process also makes it hard to know how to react to people in real life challenging my being transgender.

I am seeing a new therapist shortly. They are supposed to be calling me tomorrow to discuss when I can schedule an appointment. I hope it is this week but it may be next week before I can get in.

I also want to mention this is the way I have felt as long as I can remember and am not depressed. I have been thinking about it lately and trying to make myself believe ANYTHING else. It hasnt worked so I thought I would put it on paper.

[Guest cynthash]

Hon, we've all been there.

[Guest Deena]

Whoa! Something about being transgendered is weird?

Honey, in my boat, you're completely normal!

Deena

[JJ]

After finally crossing the divide and seeing myself as an anatomically challenged man I find that those thoughts are still coming back. I know it will pass. I have seen the Promised Land of feeling truly male and I'll find myself back there again but these thoughts of being neither fish nor fowl as it were are truly miserable.

We talk a lot about many aspects of transition or gender identity but not much about the hard work of integrating our gender identification and memories, body image and personality. That integration has to take place for us to live whole and complete lives but it is also slow and difficult. A process that can't be dictated or hurried. I would love to wake up tomorrow and not feel the woman I was in some of my body language and movements, voice inflections and even thoughts. But I feel it is something that has to grow and develop over time.

I also suspect some aspects of who we saw ourselves being die hard. Struggle to survive. It is like being haunted by a shadow. Or perhaps possessed by one sometimes for me. i wasn't a woman-but my body was and I had to learn how to seem like it. So much learned over a long, long time.

It's not weird to struggle with this. What would be really weird would be if we really could say one day "I am man" or "I am woman" and actually change all our perceptions and thoughts magically to a new reality. Leave all we were and become a new creature without the painful metamorphosis. I suspect we wouldn't survive it because we wouldn't have grown into it and it would never then be real. Just trading one pretense for another.

That's how it for me anyway and how I see it.

The process will end one day and we will get there. Whole and living as the person we so need to be. In transitioning there is a reason those who have finished the journey say it isn't really about appearance or presentation-the important transition is between your ears. Do I doubt I am a man? Never for a moment. Do I always feel it? Not yet. I will.

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Cynth and Deena, thanx for the support.

Johnny, as always your wise words are appreciated. I just read all these stories that start with "I knew I was a girl since..." and it confuses and scares me. My being a transgender girl answers sooo many questions. I just havent been able to wrap my head around I am a girl. It is helpfull to know that others have had these feeling/thoughts. My next therapy appointment is the 14th. I cant wait.

Hugz,

Mandy

[Guest Janice Lynn]

Mandy,

Hey, what we know is that we just somehow didn't fit into the categories others had

selected for us. That's enough. It doesn't mean we are weird. If anything it scratches

a line in the concrete (schoolyard and beyond) that says we are free enough in our

thinking of ourselves that we don't need the barriers or limitations that the world seems

to place upon us. You are Mandy, dammit. Embrace her.

We don't know and can't control how others will respond to our "coming out." I am

sitting here trembling at the thought that my wife thinks it would be wonderful to have

our daughter know that we now live together as two women. My daugther can accept,

but what of her husband?

And, more than anything, should we arrange our lives around the thoughts and whims

of others who give scarce attention to the things that matter?

Love to you, Jan

[Guest Janice Lynn]

Cynth and Deena, thanx for the support.

Johnny, as always your wise words are appreciated. I just read all these stories that start with "I knew I was a girl since..." and it confuses and scares me. My being a transgender girl answers sooo many questions. I just havent been able to wrap my head around I am a girl. It is helpfull to know that others have had these feeling/thoughts. My next therapy appointment is the 14th. I cant wait.

Hugz,

Mandy

Mandy, I know you are hurting, but please know it and take it into your belly that you did

not do a thing to create the dilemna. Sorting it all out takes some time. Don't hurry.

Take your time in sorting it all out but never forget that it is your life, no one else's.

And, for God's sake, don't put yourself on a "gotta do by...."

Let the process work itself out for you.

Love ya, Jan

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Hi Mandy,

Glad you will be seeing your GT, as I think this will help you along the way.

Although you may, at times, feel like an "it," you are not an "it!"

You are more than simply "tolerated" here, you are loved, respected and appreciated here.

You "fit in" here, too.

In time, you will further define more aspcts of your full identity and will become more comfortable with your feelings and your discoveries about yourself. Feeling like an "it" may well serve a purpose for you, in that this buys you time in further processing your identity without feeling strongly compelled (always) to move forward with anything. This may be a kind of a "resting place" for you?

Take your time with every step. I know I often go one step forward and two steps backward! Sometimes two forward and one backward! Sometimes, I am very confident in my gender identity, and then I might experience less confidence at times. Major transitions do not take place overnight. We must show ourselves ample love and compassion-- allowing ourselves time, suspending negative self-judgments, etc. We must get to know ourselves very well and pay attention to our very own timelines, etc.

You are doing just fine!

I always enjoy reading your posts.

Sending Support Your Way,

Brad

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Jan, thank you. It does hurt not feeling like I fit in. I am not at a spot in my life where I can embrace my being me yet. I am very lonely. I know I have Lauras and a growing amount of friends on FB but I want to feel accpetance from people in real life. I havent felt that in soo long.

Brad, thank you also. I know the feelings I have are my feelings and not necessarily the way people feel about me. I just havent been able to break that mindset.

I am not rushing, dont worry about that. I dont have a timeframe either. I will let things happen as they happen.

Thank you everyone for your support.

Mandy

[Guest MissSiul]

I remember imagining my family watching a sunday tv show were we would find out about girls who were born boys(I didn't knew about transsexuals when I was 5/6)and we all would go to the doctor to find out I was a girl and should take a pill/injection to go back to my real self.I also remember thinking about some magical ways to be a girl,maybe a machine or just praying and waking up as a girl in the next morning.

Sometimes I wish I could accept myself as a guy but I can't,and sometimes I wish I could be a normal girl,but those will not help me

Hugs,hope the best for you^^

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

MissSiul, I had lots of daydreams about different ways I could get turned into a girl. I used to wish also that I would be a "normal" guy that didnt happen either. Now though, the thought of being "fixed" into being a guy for the rest of my night turns my stomach. Oh well, 8 days till my first GT appointment with my new therapist.

Hugs back and I hope the best for you too.

Mandy

[Guest Elizabeth K]

MissSiul, I had lots of daydreams about different ways I could get turned into a girl. I used to wish also that I would be a "normal" guy that didnt happen either. Now though, the thought of being "fixed" into being a guy for the rest of my night turns my stomach. Oh well, 8 days till my first GT appointment with my new therapist.

Hugs back and I hope the best for you too.

Mandy

We sure get caught up in all this do we not? Auggggh... No wonder it gets do depressing.

Therapy dear - therapy - work through all this with some much deserved help!

Lizzy

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Lizzy, counting down the days till my appointment, counting down the days.

Did I mention 8 days till my next appointment. 8-)

That being said, I am in a good spot. Not depressed or anything like that. Very tired, been up since 5:30 am and it is midnight, but not depressed.

Mandy

[Guest Svenna]

Lizzy, counting down the days till my appointment, counting down the days.

Did I mention 8 days till my next appointment. 8-)

That being said, I am in a good spot. Not depressed or anything like that. Very tired, been up since 5:30 am and it is midnight, but not depressed.

Mandy

Mandy,

You seem to be doing well, I found that I felt much better when my first GT session was schedule, too. I felt better after every early milestone, so if you think you feel good now, just hang on! Of course, many blessings are mixed-blessings at best, but still, forward movement is relief, plain and simple...

Hang in there, girl, a week will pass in no time...lol..

Love, Svenna

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Svenna, thank you!!! It isnt my first GT appointment though, just the first one with a new therapist. I agreed with my wife to seek out a second opinion. No worries about her "stacking the deck" either. I chose the new therapist and chose another GT. I did like my first therapist but thought I could make this consession to make my wife feel better. She even agreed I could go back to the first therapist if I ended up at the same certainty of my being transgender.

[Guest Joni Hayes]

Mandy, good luck with your appt. sometimes I've found it important to state some facts as to what you want out of the therapy, its your money, they are there to help you reach you decisions, not make those decisions for you.

lots of love

Joni

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Joni, thank you. I have been debating what to talk about. I could go in a just start like this is my first counseling and see where it goes. Another thing I have thought of is tell my new therapist about my last counseling and then go from there. I am also trying to decide if I should tell her about the issues with my original therapist. Not sure what to do.

I always hope a therapist will start out with questions that I can answer straight forward, but they seem to always start with something that requires me to think. Imagine that.

Hugz,

Mandy