Please help..... Second guessing myself!

[Guest Shauna B]

I am second myself about starting HRT and here is why. I had a great day on Monday, and this has lifted my typical daily fog and makes me think I don't need HRT and that I will be able to make the feelings/fog go away by myself. This is not the first time this has happened, and is the reason I have put off seeking a gt and starting HRT for several years now. Every time I have an exceptionally good day the fog of my life (i.e. the depression caused by being trans and ignoring it) it goes away and I begin to think that this is something that will pass. Every time, the fog then comes RUSHING back within a few days or a week or so. I know it will come back this time also (and I'm already beginning to feel its return). I know that I'm trans and I know the fog will continue to return if I continue to try and convince myself that the feelings/fog are something that will pass.

Has anyone gone through this? The timing of this is unfortunate in the I see my gt, for the first time, tomorrow and I can't stop thinking that I do not need to. This is definitely something I will discuss with her. Am I crazy?

Hugs

Shauna (temporarily self-renamed Crazy Lady)

[Guest Elizabeth K]

You are not crazy. You are not alone in this. It is part of our gender dysphoria condition. See your GT tomorrow and discuss this.

You are just fine even if things seem to come and go - it's part of it..

Lizzy

[Guest Shauna B]

Thank you Lizzy! I am glad to know I'm not alone!

[VickySGV]

This often happens in people with depression and GD stress leads us to that level.

Ferinstance I have two family members who are BiPolar (ex wife and daughter) and its their UP days that do the damage, since they too have feelings that they no longer need medication on those days they feel good. It does not work that way.

In my personal case, alcohol abuse gave me the UP to my depression which was very real and when boozed up, I did not need to come out or transition either!!

Make sure your up and down days are part of what you discuss, but IT IS BECAUSE you have the cycles that YOU NEED to see the therapist. That alone will be worth the trip and the $$$$.

[Drea]

It is something certainly worth discussion with your therapist.

In reading your post, the question that came to mind was "are you in therapy and if so, has this been discussed". Obviously at the end I see you are about to start therapy.

Therapy is not something to be sought out only after deciding to transition. It is something to be sought out when considering transition. Since you are about to see a therapist, it is actually a good time for this as you can bring it up in therapy as it certainly is worth exploring.

There is no question that people go thru phases of feeling stronger feelings and less. What this means to each is an individual thing.

Transition is not an all or nothing proposition. What gets discussed as "transition" is a combination of a range of treatment options which one undergo. In therapy you can explore the options and ultimatly find what is the right solutions for you with a little luck. Nobody here has your specific answers.

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[Guest Svenna]

Hmmm....

Yes, I know all about cycles, lol...

One thing that happens to me is that I will start to feel less dysphoric in anticipation of a validating event. I almost always feel triumphant in the days leading up to a visit with my GT or Endo and the 'up time' generally lasts for several days after. But then the rush of being acknowledged by my support team begins to fade as I face the day to day realities of my experiences so early in my transition. I still have a LONG way to go if I am ever gonna make it to a full-female life and presentation. It can be overwhelming at times when I see so much maleness left in my face...

I would discuss your emotional cycles with your gender therapist, too. Mood and anxiety disorders are sometimes co-factors for gender-varient folk, we need to be aware of whatever affects our health and well-being..

Best to you at your appointment. Be honest and open and let it all hang out. This is a good thing..

Love, Svenna

[Guest Shauna B]

Best to you at your appointment. Be honest and open and let it all hang out. This is a good thing..

Love, Svenna

Thank you Svenna, and the others! I have just realized that, for the past hour or so, as I have been sitting at my desk, I have been eating my emotions. A major downside to having a gas station across the street! I have to stop snacking! (a minute on the lips forever on the hips lol)

Love

Shauna