Finally posting

[Guest Stuck]

I found the site over a year ago, between Christmas and New Years... since then I've made resolutions nearly every day or two to make myself say hi, and just finally lay some of what I've been thinking and feeling out in text. I registered a few days ago, and was too nervous to even check my email for the account confirmation for most of that time, and I'm one who normally checks it whenever I have a chance, heh. Even today, I've mostly done nothing, nervously thinking about typing this out. I've run though in my head so many times this last year what I'd say, how I'd introduce myself, what I might say to a GT, etc, and yet as I type, I know I'm just going to be rambly, and have no idea where I'm going, but I know I have to take some steps. Pausing so much between sentences, and I know even thinking as much as I am about what to say, I'm probably going to end up a bit incoherent and leave out a ton of my practiced thoughts and questions. I don't know exactly what I'm going to do after I hit post, or what to expect from the community here, but I hope pen to paper, figuratively, will help with some of whats been inside for so long, even if it takes me another year to post.

So, uh, hi Funny how as much as you can think through something like this, and mentally rehearse such a big step, actually taking that step can leave you so speechless. I guess a little about me and my situation would be useful. I'm 25, born male, graduated from college coming up on 3 years ago, with a bachelor's degree in physics, which I have yet to use; another great source of frustration and powerlessness. I've had some temp/parttime (waiting tables, washing dishes, at a clothing store, etc) and freelance work (yardwork, landscaping, painting, etc) in the time since then, but nothing even remotely related to my degree, nothing fulltime (though kind of close for now), and nothing capable of really supporting myself. I had to move back home with family after graduating, and while I've made enough to pay the minimum on student loans, and car insurance/gas, basics, I've really not felt like I've made any headway into "life", independence, etc.

I'm posting here, because, (surprise!) I think I'm TS, and have thought so basically as long as I can remember, though to varying strengths. I remember it quite strongly as a young child, and coming back strongly around high school, and it's been making me want to literally crawl out of my skin since I graduated college. Not a day, hour, probably not 5 minutes has gone by this last year or two where I haven't thought about it. I didn't know there was such a thing, basically, until very recently, a short time before finding this site. I've never crossdressed (which I think is unusual for TSs?), at least, since I was a child, which didn't last because of my parents, and despite occasional interest and thoughts, its not been something I've thought too heavily about again until more recently. Especially since I worked in the clothing store I mentioned. I remember being pretty scolded/shamed by it, and once I started to understand it more, fearful of it, when it was brought up by family members. We've got some family photos of me in a dress and the like, which of course brought teasing, that I tried to shrug off, joked it wasn't my idea (I strongly remember it being my idea, and wanting to do more of it, at that age), and quietly keeping it to myself that they didn't know the 1/2 of it when they rebuked that "You dressed up like that all on your own!".

Erm, anyway, I did want to try and avoid specifics for now, and focus more on my situation now, and how to move forward. Seeing a therapist, or any step toward transition, if it is right for me (and though being scared, and unsure and all that, I do really hope/want it to be right for me, if that makes sense), isn't possible while I'm still at home, and certain to be unaffordable in my current employment situation. And my current job wouldn't last if I did find means to transition.

I'm trying very hard to be ... calm? positive? in writing this, and I have been a shred moreso since starting my current job last Nov (solely because of the wage, which still isnt enough to move out with), but both my TS related thoughts/concerns, and my employment/career failings have left me most of the last few years an inch away from my head exploding. I think I hide it fairly well, the family's pretty clueless about basically all of who I am, what I've been going through, but even when hiding it well, it is always on my mind.

I know it's probably silly to think about or worry over, but I often think about getting too "manly" or bulky, either as a result of age, or of work/exercise. I'm fairly lean, and when my uncle nearly tried to get me a job that in his roughly words would "manly you up" I was internally horrified. When/if I can ever transition, I naturally want the best, smoothest one possible (probably a pipe dream). I worry about my neck being too wide, or shoulders too broad, hips too narrow, body hair, etc etc. I think I know it's pointless to worry about that, but I think even a confirmation wouldn't stop me from doing so.

I also worry with my screw-ups/failings/general-lack-of-success so far in life, how I could ever get through something as difficult as transition, especially alone. And I am largely alone, now. College friends have all spread over the country, I moved away as well; I've never had a real relationship, on account, probably, of a combination of things like shyness, late-bloomerness, and probably my TS/GID (all self diagnosed, so who knows). I had an online persona with "online" friends from an online game for a few years, a while ago, presenting as F, but obviously couldn't carry that into the real world, and have since parted ways really anyway. Throughout day-to-day, I'm worried/wondering about how I could survive a transition, what it'd be like to do X, or Y, while starting a transition, how I'd manage work, or getting groceries, cloth shopping (how much F clothes would even fit me, and how feminine would I even look in them?), makeup, hair removal, how I'd put off a relationship even longer, how a career might work, how I'd figure anything out, etc etc.

Say I were to find something in my field, capable of moving me out on my own finally, how long before I could afford to see a GT, to start transitioning, how I'd support myself during that, would I be in a similar boat after/during that, that I'm in now?

I'm generally not a heavy worrier, but those two things, especially the last few years, have really been getting to me. I'm reminded of Mark Twain's "I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened". I generally get to a point where I can't even think things through anymore because my head ends up so many places. Like now. So even though I haven't said a fraction of what I thought I would, I think I'm going to wrap this up again, with another hi, and hope I find the courage to come back tomorrow. Probably too long for most to read anyway.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Dear

I find you with a lot on your mind. First, I want to welcome you to Laura's hon. Second, I want you to please stop worrying and just pursue what is your first important goal right now... OK?

There is no deadline for transitioning. There is no deadline to becoming who you are. You must find the balanced integration of you and your life your way.

We are all here to help and support you hon.

Welcome, you are home now.

Love

Brenda

[Guest John Chiv]

Welcome to Laura's. Your Mark Twain is a good one for all of us to remember. It is okay to have the concerns and feelings you do and you will find many helpful people here.

John

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Welcome to Laura's ... this is very supportive place and you have much support here, girl. Thank you for reaching out ... for being so very brave and making this make first post. When you have chosen a name that you woudl like to try out .. please let us know.

Again ... Welcome!

Hugs,

JB

[Guest Svenna]

Stuck,

Congratulations on taking this huge step forward. You are among like-minded folks here with similar experiences and challenges. Tell us more when you get the chance...

It is a great day when we start to speak out, even if it is from the safety of our computers. The light of day is now upon you! lol...

Best to you as you move deeper into uncharted territory..

Love, Svenna

[Bulldog1948]

Welcome to Lauras. You will find the nicest people here. It truly is one big family. And our moderators help to keep this one of safest places on the "net". We have young people, middle aged ones and seniors like myself. So there is a very diverse thinking here of various subject matters.Since you have come here seeking help, I am positive that you will find it.

And, once again- Welcome

Mike

[Guest Roux]

Hi there, Stuck. I hope you don't feel that way for much longer! Though I must say, just the fact that you introduced yourself to us suggests that you're well on your way of, um, unsticking yourself. So: congratulations on taking a step, and doing it so bravely!

I related to much of what you said, especially as it relates to your nervousness and frustration/powerlessness. I tend to spend a lot of time agonizing over what I'm going to say when I push myself to reach out and open up, then avoid the computer when I finally do it (didn't even look at my email inbox for a day or two after sending certain coming-out-ish emails to my family, for example). My stomach was in sympathetic knots just reading the struggle you went through to post here. And I'm not the only one around here who understands what that's like! You're in good company here, and I hope that makes you feel better about posting more often. Preferably before another year goes by. =)

And then the frustration/powerlessness. That's been eating me alive, too. Graduated with a Master's in Literature last spring, then moved across the country last summer--and although I still have my part-time job at an ebook retail website, I haven't had a single call back for any of the full time jobs I've been applying to over the last several months. I'm dependent on my grandparents for almost everything--my part-time job barely covers rent--and going to have to start applying at the mall if nothing happens in the next couple of weeks. With my beautiful Master's degree sobbing in the corner the whole while. It's a horrible feeling, and I'm so sorry to hear that you're having to face that on top of everything else.

To be living with and dependent on your family while believing/knowing they would not be supportive of you if you came out sounds like an incredible burden. Although I must say, that they didn't refuse to take photos of you in dresses seems like a good sign, as does the fact that they printed those photos up and either displayed them or kept them in storage, rather than refusing to print them or throwing the prints away. That seems like clear evidence that they love you very much even when you're wearing a dress--or, at the very least, that they are not so bothered by you in a dress that they would refuse to acknowledge you while you're in it. So if you don't mind, I'm going to be very hopeful about how your family responds if/when you do come out!

Is there a specific reason why seeing a therapist isn't an option for you right now? I ask because the therapist that I went to had a very nifty practice that I think is pretty common: stealth therapy! Kind of. It was a group of therapists that focused specifically on LGBT issues, and they were fully aware that they might have patients living with people who would react very negatively if they found out exactly what kind of therapists the patients were seeing. So if the therapy place ever sent any mail to their patients, there would be no indication on either the envelope or on the mail itself as to what type of therapy place it came from. The therapists took every precaution to ensure that patients who lived with non-LGBT-friendly people were outed in any way. If that is your concern, perhaps you could admit to your parents that although you put on a good front, you've been struggling with negativity/depression for a while, that you'd like to start seeing a therapist, but that you would need their financial support to do so. Something else that I appreciated about my therapist, and that seems pretty common, is that they charge on a sliding scale depending on one's income. I was charged $20 for an hour-long session, and met with my therapist once a week.

I guess I could just sum that all up by saying: it might be worth your time to research the gender therapists in your area even if you don't think you can go to them. Call them and explain your living and financial situation and see what, if anything, they can do to make therapy possible for you. You might be surprised! And maybe, hopefully, your parents will be willing to help you cover therapy costs.

I know it's probably silly to think about or worry over, but I often think about getting too "manly" or bulky, either as a result of age, or of work/exercise. I'm fairly lean, and when my uncle nearly tried to get me a job that in his roughly words would "manly you up" I was internally horrified. When/if I can ever transition, I naturally want the best, smoothest one possible (probably a pipe dream). I worry about my neck being too wide, or shoulders too broad, hips too narrow, body hair, etc etc. I think I know it's pointless to worry about that, but I think even a confirmation wouldn't stop me from doing so.

That sounds very familiar to me as well, and to, I'm pretty sure, the vast majority of us here. It's definitely not a silly concern, in my opinion. We're human, and we (1) tend to worry, and (2) tend to want bodies that reflect perfectly what's on the inside. It's just what we do, generally. =)

I also worry with my screw-ups/failings/general-lack-of-success so far in life, how I could ever get through something as difficult as transition, especially alone. And I am largely alone, now.

This is something else I struggled, and continue to struggle, with after moving. One thing that's made a huge difference for me is Meetup.com. Have you heard of it? If not, I hope you look into it! It's a place for groups to organize events together: book reading groups, hiking groups, wine drinking groups, Spanish speaking groups, movie watching groups, board game groups, clubbing groups, greyhound owner groups, and yep, LGBT groups. Among approximately a bazillion others. Even if you live in more or less the middle of nowhere, there's a chance you'll find an interesting group relatively close to you. Socializing post-college is hard, especially without a specific kind of job environment. (My job is from-home, not in an office, and it sounds like yours is equally isolating.) Meetup.com is hugely helpful, though.

Something else you could do is contact a few gender therapists in your area and ask if there are any transgender support groups that are free/low cost and open to newcomers. Support groups may or may not be associated with gender therapists, but therapists often tend to know about the resources available in their communities. Might not hurt to ask! Of course you're here now, and we'll always be around for you, but it's really hard to beat a group of people you can hang out with in person.

And you know, it might be a good idea to just go to a therapist who doesn't specialize in gender issues, if you really can't go to a gender therapist. Several people here have done so (including myself, once), and have found that general therapists are often very willing to learn about gender issues and help you as best they can until you can find a "real" gender therapist. You have a lot of legitimate concerns about your life, and you're living under a remarkable amount of stress. Perhaps any therapist would be better than none? ( . . . Again assuming that your family is not anti-therapy. If they are, then I really, really hope you can get your hands on a better-paying job asap! Well, I hope that regardless.)

Sorry to respond to your post with a novel, and so much of that novel about myself. It's just really nice to be able to relate to someone so well, and a relief to be able to share my own frustration and powerlessness at my situation with someone who understands exactly. Thank you for making me feel better, without even trying! You're awesome. =D

Hope you come back and tell us more soon!

[JJ]

Sounds like Roux covered a lot of what I was going to say.

One of my failings is a tendency to put things off with an excuse like -"I'll handle this when..." but when never seems to come if it is something I fear facing. I had to reach a point of transition or die-literally-before I finally faced what I had to do. There are always reasons not to do something. Always. But seeing a gender therapist is something that will help immensely-and something you CAN find a way to do if you decide on it.

And another thing that can lead to unhappiness I believe is judging yourself based on material success. First of all the game has changed and the American dream takes a lot longer and a lot more work than it did a few years ago. With experienced people chasing after fewer jobs in every field those just out of school face long waits and real struggles. Not a measure of their worth but of the economic realities we live in. Are you doing your best? Are you being the best person you know how in the circumstances? Judge yourself on those criteria and not on material success. I grew up with wealthy people and a surprising number found that it wasn't enough and didn't make them the people they thought it would. Those are empty values but a trap that is easy to fall into. Be the best person you can. That is the bottom line.

And welcome to the playground. You'll probably find it easier to open up here and be yourself after awhile. there is almost always someone who has shared very similar situations and we don't judge. We give advise often-Some of us can't seem to help it - but it is given in love and support.

We really do care and we really do want to help you realize your truths and the best path for you-whatever that may be

Oh, one more thing- Our Terms and Conditions are different because of the nature of the site and our dedication to the safety and comfort of our members so please take a few minutes to read them. You'll find a link at the bottom right of every page

Thanks

Johnny

[Guest Stuck]

This is driving me nuts, it says there is a mismatched quote block, but I can't find it after triple checks, and have been working on this post a long time. Guess I have to break it up into multiple posts until I find the mistake.

Welcome to Laura's. Your Mark Twain is a good one for all of us to remember. It is okay to have the concerns and feelings you do and you will find many helpful people here.

John

"It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations." - Winston Churchill

I've had a bit of freetime the last few years, and so have read a lot of them

I tend to struggle with words sometimes, probably from lack of practice, and rely a lot on quotes and songs/lyrics to get across not just what I'm thinking, but what I'm feeling. I hope it doesn't annoy. Musics really helped get me through the last couple years.

Thanks everyone, for your time and words, huge help. Still nervous as I type, to the point of shaking a bit, but so much better. I knew/know it wouldn't happen, but there was that little voice in the back of my head telling me things'd go the opposite and to run.

Hi Dear

I find you with a lot on your mind. First, I want to welcome you to Laura's hon. Second, I want you to please stop worrying and just pursue what is your first important goal right now... OK?

There is no deadline for transitioning. There is no deadline to becoming who you are. You must find the balanced integration of you and your life your way.

I used to be, and in a lot of other areas still am, the one throwing out the "Hakuna matata!" and

stuff, but taking your own advice is the hardest sometimes, especially when it feels like you're making no progress for so long. I know there's no deadline for transition, but to have already felt it delayed so much, and just internalizing "Ok, a year for this, a year for that, its already been X years... that brings it to..." sort of date setting/planning is frustrating, and I can't help but try and plan.

[Guest Stuck]

Welcome to Laura's ... this is very supportive place and you have much support here, girl. Thank you for reaching out ... for being so very brave and making this make first post. When you have chosen a name that you woudl like to try out .. please let us know.

Heh, thanks I don't feel very brave though... at all. As for a name, I actually chose one years ago, sort of. It's what my mom would have named me if I had been born a girl, and by fluke chance, actually means the same as my birthname. And I like it. I spent literally 5 minutes staring at the "username" field when signing up, debating whether to use it, or come up with something else, with that whole 5 minute debate probably not using any words. If that makes sense. I know it doesn't, but I hope it does.

Stuck,

Congratulations on taking this huge step forward. You are among like-minded folks here with similar experiences and challenges. Tell us more when you get the chance...

I hope to, I'm just not sure "what's next" outside of replying and thanking everyone. One step at a time, but I really hope to.

Welcome to Lauras. You will find the nicest people here. It truly is one big family. And our moderators help to keep this one of safest places on the "net". We have young people, middle aged ones and seniors like myself. So there is a very diverse thinking here of various subject matters.Since you have come here seeking help, I am positive that you will find it.

And, once again- Welcome

Mike

Thanks, but finders, keepers.

>.>

<.<

[Guest Stuck]

Oops, I think I copy/pasted the same part twice, apologies if I'm messing this up :/

Sounds like Roux covered a lot of what I was going to say.

One of my failings is a tendency to put things off with an excuse like -"I'll handle this when..." but when never seems to come if it is something I fear facing. I had to reach a point of transition or die-literally-before I finally faced what I had to do. There are always reasons not to do something. Always. But seeing a gender therapist is something that will help immensely-and something you CAN find a way to do if you decide on it.

Yeah, been feeling that, a lot. Someday I'll do X, someday I'll have Y, someday I'll be Z. Someday never comes.

And another thing that can lead to unhappiness I believe is judging yourself based on material success. First of all the game has changed and the American dream takes a lot longer and a lot more work than it did a few years ago. With experienced people chasing after fewer jobs in every field those just out of school face long waits and real struggles. Not a measure of their worth but of the economic realities we live in. Are you doing your best? Are you being the best person you know how in the circumstances? Judge yourself on those criteria and not on material success. I grew up with wealthy people and a surprising number found that it wasn't enough and didn't make them the people they thought it would. Those are empty values but a trap that is easy to fall into. Be the best person you can. That is the bottom line.

I don't really judge myself by material success... but I strongly want to be independent. I've never cared about "being rich" so much as not having to worry about getting by. To your questions though... no... I don't feel like I am doing my best, at least not anymore. Since taking my current job in Nov, I've slacked immensely on finding something in my field. I feel very resigned and that eats away at me.

[Guest Stuck]

And welcome to the playground. You'll probably find it easier to open up here and be yourself after awhile. there is almost always someone who has shared very similar situations and we don't judge. We give advise often-Some of us can't seem to help it - but it is given in love and support.

We really do care and we really do want to help you realize your truths and the best path for you-whatever that may be

Oh, one more thing- Our Terms and Conditions are different because of the nature of the site and our dedication to the safety and comfort of our members so please take a few minutes to read them. You'll find a link at the bottom right of every page

Thanks

Johnny

Yeah, pretty sure I read those before, but it has been a while, so I'll be sure to read them again. And I welcome advice, I've never had a problem with taking it. I've always had a problem with getting help when I need it, but not with listening to what's been offered, or asking questions. Kind of a fine line I guess.

Hi there, Stuck. I hope you don't feel that way for much longer! Though I must say, just the fact that you introduced yourself to us suggests that you're well on your way of, um, unsticking yourself. So: congratulations on taking a step, and doing it so bravely!

I wish that were so, but I feel like I've been in the same place for years (and I really have been, literally)

I related to much of what you said, especially as it relates to your nervousness and frustration/powerlessness. I tend to spend a lot of time agonizing over what I'm going to say when I push myself to reach out and open up, then avoid the computer when I finally do it (didn't even look at my email inbox for a day or two after sending certain coming-out-ish emails to my family, for example). My stomach was in sympathetic knots just reading the struggle you went through to post here. And I'm not the only one around here who understands what that's like! You're in good company here, and I hope that makes you feel better about posting more often. Preferably before another year goes by. =)

So glad to hear I'm not alone in that. It's especially difficult, not just to share, but to express all this stuff I've never talked to anyone about before, or organized on paper(screen?).

[Guest Stuck]

And then the frustration/powerlessness. That's been eating me alive, too. Graduated with a Master's in Literature last spring, then moved across the country last summer--and although I still have my part-time job at an ebook retail website, I haven't had a single call back for any of the full time jobs I've been applying to over the last several months. I'm dependent on my grandparents for almost everything--my part-time job barely covers rent--and going to have to start applying at the mall if nothing happens in the next couple of weeks. With my beautiful Master's degree sobbing in the corner the whole while. It's a horrible feeling, and I'm so sorry to hear that you're having to face that on top of everything else.

Heh, mine's not in the corner sobbing, its under the bed, gathering dust. What I've been feeling more acutely is the confidence pulverizer that is 3 years of continuous rejection in, and even outside of, my original hoped-for field. That uncertainty and self-doubt really amplifies everything I've always felt, but tucked away, about my identity as a woman.

To be living with and dependent on your family while believing/knowing they would not be supportive of you if you came out sounds like an incredible burden. Although I must say, that they didn't refuse to take photos of you in dresses seems like a good sign, as does the fact that they printed those photos up and either displayed them or kept them in storage, rather than refusing to print them or throwing the prints away. That seems like clear evidence that they love you very much even when you're wearing a dress--or, at the very least, that they are not so bothered by you in a dress that they would refuse to acknowledge you while you're in it. So if you don't mind, I'm going to be very hopeful about how your family responds if/when you do come out!

I doubt it's that unique for other people to go through. Makes me feel kind of bad to whine about it, when others have been through it and worse. And I was pretty young when that happened, so it was still in the "Not a total redflag" category for them. What I've kept to myself is how it felt/meant to me, even after like 20 years. I'm really bad at letting other people's expectations of me control me, and it's something I've always been conscious of in regard to my feeling like/wanting to be who I am. I don't share your optimism over my family's reaction though. One of the worst things living at home has been hearing the occasional snippet of anti-LGBT bigotry from them while I'm standing right there. I know they don't have a clue about how I feel, but I don't think they'd understand if they did, or that it'd temper their honesty. I've heard from stories that parents/family that are fairly anti-LGBT have a reawakening when it is someone they know and love, and rethink things, but I just don't see it happening here.

Is there a specific reason why seeing a therapist isn't an option for you right now? I ask because the therapist that I went to had a very nifty practice that I think is pretty common: stealth therapy! Kind of. It was a group of therapists that focused specifically on LGBT issues, and they were fully aware that they might have patients living with people who would react very negatively if they found out exactly what kind of therapists the patients were seeing. So if the therapy place ever sent any mail to their patients, there would be no indication on either the envelope or on the mail itself as to what type of therapy place it came from. The therapists took every precaution to ensure that patients who lived with non-LGBT-friendly people were outed in any way. If that is your concern, perhaps you could admit to your parents that although you put on a good front, you've been struggling with negativity/depression for a while, that you'd like to start seeing a therapist, but that you would need their financial support to do so. Something else that I appreciated about my therapist, and that seems pretty common, is that they charge on a sliding scale depending on one's income. I was charged $20 for an hour-long session, and met with my therapist once a week.

Well, financial reasons were primary, though I didn't know they could run that little. I suppose what I'm most worried about is getting confirmation and acceptance from others about how I feel, but still not being able to act on it at all while I'm living here. At least now I can pretend to ignore it or, more often, tell myself "Someday, hold on a bit longer, you'll catch a break." Until more recently, I didn't have my own vehicle, so "Hey, I'm borrowing the car to go tell someone I want to crossdress and be a woman" wouldn't have worked well. I did look up a LGBT center in the area last summer, and hoped to stop by if I ever got out of one of my landscaping/painting jobs a bit early, but was always either too dirty, too late, or too scared to do so. I can't seem to find it's location again now that I have my own car. Really unsure what I'd say/do after walking in either. I've never really felt it, but I've been told that I'm a perfectionist in that, if I can't do something or get something to my high standards, I'll not see it as worth doing/getting. But I've been thinking about that since I was told I am that way again recently, and how it would and already has applied to my hopes to transition, and I can see it. The problem is I can't not hope to transition, but have no idea what to do. I could explain that better, but I've already spent so long getting this far in this monster post, I need to move on, for now, heh.

[Guest Stuck]

I guess I could just sum that all up by saying: it might be worth your time to research the gender therapists in your area even if you don't think you can go to them. Call them and explain your living and financial situation and see what, if anything, they can do to make therapy possible for you. You might be surprised! And maybe, hopefully, your parents will be willing to help you cover therapy costs.

I might. I think my main concern would been "And then what?" if I'm still here, still broke, etc, it just feels like it'd scare/worry me more. I hope that makes sense.

That sounds very familiar to me as well, and to, I'm pretty sure, the vast majority of us here. It's definitely not a silly concern, in my opinion. We're human, and we (1) tend to worry, and (2) tend to want bodies that reflect perfectly what's on the inside. It's just what we do, generally. =)

It is that. But it's more than that too, and I feel guilty that it isn't just about (2) but vanity, and caring how others see me.

This is something else I struggled, and continue to struggle, with after moving. One thing that's made a huge difference for me is Meetup.com. Have you heard of it? If not, I hope you look into it! It's a place for groups to organize events together: book reading groups, hiking groups, wine drinking groups, Spanish speaking groups, movie watching groups, board game groups, clubbing groups, greyhound owner groups, and yep, LGBT groups. Among approximately a bazillion others. Even if you live in more or less the middle of nowhere, there's a chance you'll find an interesting group relatively close to you. Socializing post-college is hard, especially without a specific kind of job environment. (My job is from-home, not in an office, and it sounds like yours is equally isolating.) Meetup.com is hugely helpful, though.

I've fantasized about a from-home job I could do comfortably while transitioning, but I don't know how realistic that is. My current job is isolating, but in a different way. It's at a convent (and I'm not Catholic). I generally work only with a handful of people, and even then, the work is essentially to each their own, outside of when we wait tables, but I really don't relate with the nuns (nor do we really have much chance to anyway). I don't know a lot of the people there well enough to know everyone's thoughts on anything LGBT or political or anything, but even if they were alright with it, I can't see... the clients... being alright with it, or staying there while I transitioned (or being able to afford to). I haven't heard of meetup, but I think I'll look into it.

Something else you could do is contact a few gender therapists in your area and ask if there are any transgender support groups that are free/low cost and open to newcomers. Support groups may or may not be associated with gender therapists, but therapists often tend to know about the resources available in their communities. Might not hurt to ask! Of course you're here now, and we'll always be around for you, but it's really hard to beat a group of people you can hang out with in person.

True.. family is awfully nosy though, especially since it'd be a notable change for me.

And you know, it might be a good idea to just go to a therapist who doesn't specialize in gender issues, if you really can't go to a gender therapist. Several people here have done so (including myself, once), and have found that general therapists are often very willing to learn about gender issues and help you as best they can until you can find a "real" gender therapist. You have a lot of legitimate concerns about your life, and you're living under a remarkable amount of stress. Perhaps any therapist would be better than none? ( . . . Again assuming that your family is not anti-therapy. If they are, then I really, really hope you can get your hands on a better-paying job asap! Well, I hope that regardless.)

Oh, I do too But it has been years, without the slightest flicker of hope, and like I said earlier in this monster post, I've given up a bit since starting my current position. I just don't think I could make the moneys work, with therapy on top of student loans and everything else.

Sorry to respond to your post with a novel, and so much of that novel about myself. It's just really nice to be able to relate to someone so well, and a relief to be able to share my own frustration and powerlessness at my situation with someone who understands exactly. Thank you for making me feel better, without even trying! You're awesome. =D

Hope you come back and tell us more soon!

Don't ever apologize for something like that, I can't tell you all how much I'm glad for the replies and the time put into them, and that's from someone who has had a really hard time lately being appreciative of anything.

And this is driving me nuts, it says there is a mismatched quote block, but I can't find it after triple checks, and have been working on this post a long time and kind of need to be going now. I hope it is at least readable, and you all can get to see how grateful I am you're here and talking with me.

[Guest John Chiv]

You did better than I do sometimes when I am replying and including quotes from responses.

John

[Guest cynthash]

:friends:

[Guest GinaInside]

Hi Stuck,

You are so not alone in wondering what to say, or how to proceed. Being Trans is hard on a good day.

There are a lot of wonderful people here who will help and guide you. I wish you peace of mind, and all the best.

Hugz,

Gina Renee

[Guest Roux]

Heh, mine's not in the corner sobbing, its under the bed, gathering dust. What I've been feeling more acutely is the confidence pulverizer that is 3 years of continuous rejection in, and even outside of, my original hoped-for field. That uncertainty and self-doubt really amplifies everything I've always felt, but tucked away, about my identity as a woman.

Yuck.

I doubt it's that unique for other people to go through. Makes me feel kind of bad to whine about it, when others have been through it and worse.

Hey, just because other people have experienced worse doesn't make the pain you've gone through less legitimate. Never feel bad for venting. =)

I don't share your optimism over my family's reaction though. One of the worst things living at home has been hearing the occasional snippet of anti-LGBT bigotry from them while I'm standing right there. I know they don't have a clue about how I feel, but I don't think they'd understand if they did, or that it'd temper their honesty. I've heard from stories that parents/family that are fairly anti-LGBT have a reawakening when it is someone they know and love, and rethink things, but I just don't see it happening here.

I'm really sorry to hear that. I'll keep my fingers crossed nonetheless!

I suppose what I'm most worried about is getting confirmation and acceptance from others about how I feel, but still not being able to act on it at all while I'm living here. At least now I can pretend to ignore it or, more often, tell myself "Someday, hold on a bit longer, you'll catch a break."

Neither sounds like a comfortable life to live. I hope that break comes soon, and that you take it when it does. And, uh, that if this break happens to come while you're still employed by the convent, they prove to be the type to love and not hate.

Keep us posted, okay?

[Guest Stuck]

Heh, mine's not in the corner sobbing, its under the bed, gathering dust. What I've been feeling more acutely is the confidence pulverizer that is 3 years of continuous rejection in, and even outside of, my original hoped-for field. That uncertainty and self-doubt really amplifies everything I've always felt, but tucked away, about my identity as a woman.

Yuck.

I doubt it's that unique for other people to go through. Makes me feel kind of bad to whine about it, when others have been through it and worse.

Hey, just because other people have experienced worse doesn't make the pain you've gone through less legitimate. Never feel bad for venting. =)

I don't share your optimism over my family's reaction though. One of the worst things living at home has been hearing the occasional snippet of anti-LGBT bigotry from them while I'm standing right there. I know they don't have a clue about how I feel, but I don't think they'd understand if they did, or that it'd temper their honesty. I've heard from stories that parents/family that are fairly anti-LGBT have a reawakening when it is someone they know and love, and rethink things, but I just don't see it happening here.

I'm really sorry to hear that. I'll keep my fingers crossed nonetheless!

I suppose what I'm most worried about is getting confirmation and acceptance from others about how I feel, but still not being able to act on it at all while I'm living here. At least now I can pretend to ignore it or, more often, tell myself "Someday, hold on a bit longer, you'll catch a break."

Neither sounds like a comfortable life to live. I hope that break comes soon, and that you take it when it does. And, uh, that if this break happens to come while you're still employed by the convent, they prove to be the type to love and not hate.

Keep us posted, okay?

I would really, really like to, but since nothing has really gone my way so far, I dunno that there will be anything to post about :/

I looked into Meetup as well, there wasn't a whole lot in my area, and nothing relatable.

You did better than I do sometimes when I am replying and including quotes from responses.

John

Whats weird is when I cut up the post I never ran into the problem again, even though I didn't change anything

Thanks again for the welcome everyone

[Guest Svenna]

Stuck,

We all have to find a way forward through whatever random circumstances we may find ourselves in...

You are making progress and building momentum already, whether you realize it or not, and the time for new possibilities is upon you...

You can take it one small step at a time, stop whenever you want, be sure before risking it all...there is much to learn!

Love and Life, Svenna

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Stuck,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Stuck]

When I work out the problems with java (probably with a reboot) I'll try that, kindheart. Read the rules, sounds good, but I'm curious if I should use the name I have on the forums, even though the rules suggest a streetname, just to keep things straight. I've actually never used a chatroom before, and aren't real sure what to expect, or when it'll be active. I'll probably try tomorrow evening after work.

[Guest Stuck]

I've wanted to post more, but don't really feel like I've anything to contribute, so I guess I'll just ramble for a few, even though I feel like I haven't got anything to say

Seems like my hours at work might be on the decline, but even if they weren't it wouldn't be enough to live on my own, let alone get therapy/hrt/wardrobe/surgery. Got a rejection letter from a place I applied to a while back... told me "No" in like 6 different places and ways. I've still got one outstanding app; they said they'd not decide who to interview till Mar. 30, so still time yet that I might hear from them, but to be honest, I don't really expect to. I dunno how I'd make anything work, even if I did.

Still haven't gotten it together enough to revamp my resume and have it include my current job. Just lacking the brains and... I dunno, the hope? to bother. This is probably what bothers me the most, yet I still can't seem to fix it. Feel really powerless.

Had the thought at work a while ago that I'll never get a compliment that I'd like, because anyone who would give it (as if I'd get any anyway) would actually consider it an insult... Kind of stuck with me a bit... a few days later, I got called by a girl's name by mistake (first syllable is the same as my name's), and they instantly corrected and apologized, but it stuck with me too.

[Guest Stuck]

*chirp chirp*

Anyway, ever feel like just screaming or just wanting to not... be? And have that feeling never end for years?

[KathrynJulia]

Stuck:

Welcome to Laura's and you have found the place you need to be. Here you can explore who you are at a pace you are comfortable pursueing. Almost everyone who arrives at Laura's have questions about themselves and all of us understand this. Coming to grips with who you are is not an easy thing to do. But here you will find kind caring people who are extremely supportive.

Stuck Wednesday my therapist wrote the following about her transgendered patients: the more I interact with the transgendered community as patients of mine, "the more I am struck by their candor, honesty and the amount of thought they have made in order to face obstacles that few people have the courage to face". "By the time they arrive at my door, they have searched their souls, faced down their fears, and are some of the most decent people I have ever met.

Right now you are soul searching and in time you will face down your fears and know what is in your heart. We would like to help if we can. So sit back, look around and when you are ready join in with us. We are glad you are here. Kathryn