Apparently I Don't "act Like A Guy"

[Guest sphere]

I know this shouldn't be getting to me, but it is, and I hate myself for it.

I've had two people tell me that I can't be a guy because I don't "act like it" and I tell them "I have always felt like a guy never a girl" and they either ignore that or not understand how someone can FEEL like a gender, but can ACT like it. o.O

Anyway, it made me feel slightly insecure (which they also said was a "female" thing... lol) about my masculinity and stuff, and I've been wondering, am I actually trans? It makes so much sense, I've read all you guys' stuff and my experience is almost the exact same, and I hate my body so frickin much and have always felt like something was missing, you know? So this me being transsexual thing makes perfect sense, but then I get these people that just can't get it that try to convince me I'm just a really butch girl that say "you act like a girl."

And I say "I'm not comfortable with my body" and they say "lol so is every girl!" which is stupid of them, they know what I'm talking about. it's not me worrying about my weight or how "pretty" i am or whatever, it's DO I PASS and DANG I'M A MIDGET and I'M SO SCRAWNY. These girls say "guys can't be insecure!!!" and I'm like ...uh, yeah they can..?

My sister has also mentioned how I've dressed like a girl in the past on purpose, but that was because everyone made fun of me for being a tomboy and so I thought I should conform to the image society wanted me to be, whenever I forced this image on myself was the periods of time I was the most depressed and felt terrible about myself, even when I was a little kid and didn't understand any of it at all.

Who made these people the ultimate judges of gender identity? And I ask them, okay, you're not insecure, does that make you a boy? and they just go "that's different!!!"

STOP-CONTRADICTING-SELF-REALLY-CONFUSING-MAKES-NO-SENSE-CAN'T-UNDERSTAND-WOMEN-ESPECIALLY-BIGOTED-ONES-AT-ALL

Dude, I don't get it. I'm insecure because I have bad anxiety problems, which has nothing to do with gender. I'm emotional because I have depression, which has nothing to do with gender. I'm insecure and obsessed with how I appear to people because again of anxiety and OCD, which has nothing to do with gender.

I guess I don't really know what I'm asking for, maybe some reassurance that I'm definitely a guy. Sometimes I feel like I'm androgynous and neutral, but I NEVER feel feminine in the slightest, or I feel really manly sometimes, hahaha. I probably am a bit of an androgyne, but whatever.

Ahhh ranting has made me feel better.

I have a friend Megan who said she (or rather he) identified as a transgender guy for a long time but then decided to save it until high school was done with, and especially now I REALLY UNDERSTAND WHY. :/

[Guest raydub]

*smile*

babyboy! 1? calm down.

its ok. it happens.. it happened to me...from my SISTERS and its happening to you now.. and it will probably happen to you 10 more times over the next year.. but its going to be ok.

YOU are the only person that knows how youre feeling inside your body and inside your head. dont let anyone else EVER tell you what you think or feel.. because YOU will have to live with your decisions for the rest of your life.. NO ONE ELSE.

its ok to have doubt. we live in a world where people are attempting to control what/how we think all the time. doubt happens. you just have to take the necessary time to be with yourself, to listen to yourself, to think good, long, and hard about what/how you feel. then YOU decide.. and when you do, decide for YOU.. and no one else. cause at the end of the day.. the only person thats ALWAYS going to be wherever you are? is you.

i love you just the way you are.. confused or not.. trans or not...

just remember.. you have to be happy with you. no one else does.

in love and service...

Ray

p.s... i dont know where that all came from.. but maybe you needed to hear it.

[Guest sphere]

Haha, I guess I did need to hear it. Thanks Ray, you've hit the nail on the head.

[Guest Keira]

Hope you don't mind a t-girl chiming in here, but I think if you identify as a guy, then you are a guy. That's basically what it comes down to. Not everyone conforms to stereotypes... just look at all the sensitive "metrosexual" males out there

[Guest J-Walker]

Yeah, I'm with Ray. My sister STILL gives me crap about it. The other night I had to go pick her up from school and my car started over heating. As we were driving home I told her I was going to pull over to let it cool and then put some antifreeze in the radiator once it had. She said "Antifreeze only stops it from freezing..." I replied, "No, it cools down the engine". She began laughing like I was the dumbest thing ever, and proceeded to tell me obviously I wasn't a guy since I didn't know anything about cars. She does stuff like this to me on the time, and it REALLY upsets me.

The thing to understand is that anyone who does this sort of thing to you probably doesn't really mean what they say (If every man fit every stereotype it would be a boring world). Those people are probably afraid about you "changing" and really aren't sure what that even means. So just remember that if anyone tries to tell you you're OBVIOUSLY not what you feel you are because of a stereotype, just know that they're the problem, not you.

If you are still concerned about whether or not you're trans, you should really try going to a gender therapist. I find that they tend not to ask why you might think that you're trans, you just talk to them.

[Guest Cody_T]

I don't think that you can worry about people saying whether you act like a girl or a guy. I think most of them are going from their past experience with you, and a lot of people can be resistant to change. Just because you don't act like the stereotypical macho man doesn't mean you're not a man. I mean, if you take my family, I think the guys are the girliest ones. And I'm not going to definitively assume that the others are not actually trans girls, seeing as I'm sure it's possible, but I kind of doubt it. My oldest younger brother spends a fortune on hair, clothes, and acne creams. My parents mark on the calendar so he can't go shopping too often. He also can't leave the house unless he looks perfect. He gets really upset about anything he considers acne (like, one pimple) and he's practically anorexic, because "food scares me" now that he's looked at nutrition labels. My youngest brother is very sensitive/emotional, and is really upset about being 'fat'. He is getting better about it, but my brother and dad used to tease him all the time about being really girly And my dad loves musicals and romantic movies, and only shops for his clothes at high end department stores. I'm gay, and while I try to act more masculine than them, I still enjoy some pretty 'girly' things.

I'm worried about how my spurts of girliness will play out with others too. In my case, I was always searching for the right combination of whatever material posession it was that would make me fit as a girl. I have so many clothes I bought and then never wore, and luckily I never put much money into makeup. Even though I have some times when I got up every morning and put on makeup and then pulled on short shorts and a pink shirt or something, it didn't feel right, it just felt like what my mom and friends wanted.

About bodies... no girl is going to believe you when you say that you don't feel comfortable in your body. They just don't get it, because they're trained to 'hate' their bodies... they think that it's natural to look in the mirror and think they're inadequate, so they don't understand what it's like to really want it gone and feel like it's not natural and not right. Which probably is why both of the girls I've told responded to my news with "can I still be envious of your *insert evil word here*s?"

Everyone has the same feelings, and guys have just been taught to hide them. You haven't had as much experience with being forced not to show them, so you're not going to, and that's a good thing, not a bad thing. You might not want to discuss them with the people who try to contradict you, but it doesn't make you less of a man that you think these things.

I don't know if this will work for you, but before I came out to myself I was super insecure, even about people calling me a guy. I used to freak out if I looked bad or messed something up or anything... and I've let it all go, somehow, because I know that no one is seeing me for who I really am, so their perceptions of me don't matter.

Above all, that's something to live by... other peoples' perceptions don't matter. You're the only one who knows yourself, and you can make yourself sick running back and forth worrying 'omg, I did something feminine!" and then trying to psychoanalyze yourself. It's not going to help things to worry about whether you are or aren't... stereotypes shouldn't try to define people. Try to ignore all outside influences and accept yourself for whoever you turn out to be. And whether you're trans or genderqueer or a girl or a guy or an elephant only really matters to yourself. you're the only person you really have to please.

Sorry to write a novel lol, and good luck with everything

[Guest CharlieRose]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I've had issues with it, too.

I'm really REALLY aware that I'm puny and effeminate; like, I was never ever even a tomboy. I... I hang out with all girl friends and one gay guy, I still have to train myself to keep from doing effeminate mannerisms, like making hand motions that involve my wrist or crossing my legs, and people like my parents say stuff like, "You shouldn't have to MAKE yourself be male! And you never gave any indication that you felt more masculine than feminine!"

But, like, you have to understand that the only reason men don't have to train themselves is that they've already been trained! They've been taught their whole lives that there are things they get rewarded for and things that they don't; masculine things are not inherent, they're taught. Being constantly told, "You have to care about your physical appearance, you should be thinking about your future family, you should talk with other girls instead of running around with the boys," even subconsiously has a major effect. If you're like me, you'd kind of be majorly messed up because I have WAY more female role models than males, and the few men that I am close to (my dad, family friends and such) didn't exactly play football in high school. (Between them, they watch The View, The Ellen DeGeneres show and Project Runway religiously. )

I don't think that masculinity and femininity have anything to do with gender. Another example: (I like them!) My mom recently noted to me that I'm really emotionally cut off; I hate doing things I think are cheesy... like showing affection to my family members in any way, shape or form. But my friends say I'm really empathetic and a good listener, and even among all these girls I'm probably the most emotionally involved. If anyone has a bad day, I ask about it, y'know.

So, for a girl, I'm emotionally masculine, and for a guy, I'm emotionally feminine.

I'm the SAME freaking person!

Sometimes it just gets silly. We're guys. It's the way our brains were made. All those mega-camp flamboyant flamer metro guys are still regarded as male, right? It's not a matter of how one acts.

[Guest Evan_J]

Yep, what they said

My "disparager" is my mother, if there is any way on God's earth she can try to "deny" to herself that this is "real", "genuine", or "necessary" she's all for it. And I'm 40 years old lol The biggest thing that will make you able to see the real forest for the trees someone else needs to construct is having taken time wth yourself. It might mean a little less or rather "different" social interaction for a bit but not because you're depressed and attempting to isolate yourself but rather because -like monks or something- you gather uninterrupted and untainted focus to try to see the truths about yourself. Its kind of why some peeps opt not to date while transitioning or at least starting to. I'm one of those. I truely have taken "me" time in the last 3 years. For various reasons and ending with transition. Does that mean I need to just stay "by myself and secquestered" for the duration? Heck no. But at least I took whatever space I needed and will keep "x" amount even as I become socially interested now.

For the record, its my understanding that most folks with GID also suffer an amount of depression, anxiety, and sometimes OCD. Depression-anxiety as a combo tho is real common. In fact its in that combination that some therapists can bill your gender counseling for insurance.

As was also said, a gender counselor can also help you "know" if you're experiencing GID if you need to hear it from an outside source. Mine randomly and with out warning gives me these little psychological tests. You already know that there is no such thing as "acting male". There's too many kinds of males. However I guess within gender psych there are subconscious traits that the majority of natally born males -regardless of sex orientation, level of masculinity/machoness, or whatever- harbor. The gender therapist you get might use such test. <--have to say might cuz I don't know/think that that's universal. I know I got given one. And I'm notorious for trying to figure out what the "right" answer is (I admit that)

I found I could only guess at one

It wasn't a written word test. It was something I was asked to perform. (notice how I'm not spoiling the surprise for you lol )

I was like "oh [insert swear word of choice]" so I honestly had to go ahead and do what I honestly would do.

So, they have their tricks

There was actually a list of things, certain catagories, that that disclosed. My therapist is cool. He let me know what all his readings were. I was like --> Never would I have supposed he got "all that" out of one thing.`

Stll, having said all that, the only person who can know what you feel is you. All of a persons feelings are real. The psych part just sometimes helps know what they may/may not indicate.

[Guest JayJaye]

Yeah, what they said.

I spoke with three therapists and they all agreed; the first was not a gender therapist but I had been talking to her for 3 years and she said it all made sense based on what I had told her over the years. The two gender therapists knew I was trans within a few minutes of talking to me, and I had originally gone to them to see what they thought, like maybe I wasn't trans and it was something else. Silly me!!

And like EvanJ my biggest disparager is my mother also; she thinks I can just pray this away. Gee, Ma, like the decades I used to pray did nothing for me but leave me depressed and suicidal. She doesn't get it and likely never will. And no, I'm NOT praying about this. It's a medical condition and I'm seeking medical treatment, end of story. Same as I'd do if I broke my leg.

I agree with becoming more selfish and taking time to yourself. You don't need to be surrounded by naysayers.

Jay

[Guest Drew]

Dude, I don't get it. I'm insecure because I have bad anxiety problems, which has nothing to do with gender. I'm emotional because I have depression, which has nothing to do with gender. I'm insecure and obsessed with how I appear to people because again of anxiety and OCD, which has nothing to do with gender.

i've had issues with these kind of things my whole life. it doesn't make you any less of a man. my mom's side of the family is still doing exactly what you're describing, it happens, and i'm sorry to say that it seems that it doesn't ever go away. these people can't tell you who you are, if you feel yourself to be male then you are male, only you can know this 100%

[Guest Seth]

I don't act like your stereotypical guy, either.

But I am a guy regardless. How you act doesn't deteremine your gender. Ignore 'em. They're ignorant.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Hey man, first off, don't let people get to you. Your masculinity and how you express it is a personal and very individual thing. Everyone is different and expresses things differently. There is no hard and fast rule that describes what you act like if you "act like a girl" or if you "act like a boy". It's more accurate if you look at those things as representing two ends of the same spectrum. Even the most masculine of bioguys will have some feminine things about them...and some really feminine biogirls will have a few masculine features. For example, my roommate is a big, muscular biodude, but he isn't a huge sports fan and he likes 80's power ballads. Another of my friends is a very feminine girl, but she loves camping and rock climbing. I hate when people say someone "acts like a girl" or "acts like a guy" because it's such a poorly defined statement and it is almost never meant in a nice way.

About the body image and insecurity stuff. Yes, a lot of girls hate their bodies...so do a lot of guys. Again, I know plenty of male-identified guys who worry about "looking fat" and go on diets. From what I can tell, there are some pretty big differences between the way non trans people hate their bodies and the way transgendered people hate their bodies. With me, I hate the stuff that makes me look female. I hate my chest. I hate my hips. My non trans girl friends hate things that make their bodies look LESS feminine. Anyway...don't let people get you down. Some people just like to argue. I have a professor that seems like she just picks the opposite position to what you've just said and argues that. It has nothing to do with what she thinks.

Dressing like a girl on purpose? I've done it too, but I am totally a guy. The thing is that you get these conflicting messages all your life. People tell you that you are a girl, they treat you like a girl, but then your brain says you are a guy. I was confused as all get out. For a while I thought that the reason I didn't feel like a girl was because I wasn't trying hard enough. This was back when I was like 13 or 14. I asked my mom to buy me some "nice clothes". Since she thought I was finally growing out of the tomboy phase, she was happy to help me out. I got the new clothes and tried really hard to "look like other girls" for about a month or so. It felt so wrong. I didn't feel like myself...so I went back to the old t-shirt and ripped jeans. Trying out different ways of dressing and acting is how we explore who we are, it doesn't DEFINE who we are.

Anxiety, I've got that too. For me, a lot of it seems to have come from repressing my trans identity for so long. I was so socially anxious that I stayed home a lot of the time. Last year I got to the point that I was almost too jumpy and anxious to drive. If I rode in a car, I had to be driving because I'd freak out if someone else was. Since I came out as trans, my anxiety has gotten a good bit better. Still, I have a lot of it hanging around. Anxiety complicates everything. I don't have a lot of good advice, but I do feel like I understand what you are going through, at least a little.

Hang in there!

[Guest My_Genesis]

It's funny you brought this up, this has really been bugging me lately..like constantly..I have trouble sleeping because of it. The thing is, I do it to myself, I'm not told that by anyone else (not enough people know enough about me anyway..). Like I'll always analyze my own behavior to see if I'm "acting like a guy." It's hard to do because you have to be objective with your own behaviors...that's a tough thing to do. So every time I'm hanging out with any guys (i.e. straight guys, since that's what I identify as, i feel like I have to act like they typically do.)..sometimes I'll just hang out with guys more to compare myself with them than anything else Everything I say and do is consumed by that now..for instance, I can write a lot...so every time i do, its like "Do i write too much? Are there guys out there that ramble on and on when they write the way I do? Is that like one of those 'emotional' things that women do to 'express their emotions and get it out on paper' and all that junk?" and i can't stand it, since i can't definitively come to conclusions about stuff like this, like "yeah guys can write a lot, it just depends on the content, not how much you've written." And since when I ramble, it's either about trans stuff (ah the irony...I'll get to that in a sec.), or it's not really about me personally, but rather just something I'm interested in..I keep telling myself "Ok, so if it's the content that matters, then I do 'act' like a guy because rather than writing about 'feelings' and stuff like that all the time, I'm writing about factual info and all that...which is what guys are more likely to focus on." ..I also do the same thing with smilies/emoticons: "Did I use too many? is it weird for a guy to use emoticons? Do I use more than most guys do, or the same amount?" because I do use them pretty often, so that tends to bother the hell out of me. But I just do it because i guess thats my online writing style. So then its like "Great, so I have a woman's writing style...I can't, if I'm really a guy I wouldn't write like a girl..." >:/

About all the depression/anxiety/OCD and all that...yeah, the thing is those tend to be psychological/emotional issues that are more common in women..in general, but I have a compulsive need to fit 100% of the "in general" criteria. The irony of all that is, it all stems from this issue itself...meaning if we were born as males we probably wouldn't have developed any of these problems in the first place, and thus would never end up worrying "Oh my God, I have a girl disorder." And that's another thing...I say "OMG"/"Oh my God" on occasion online, and every time I do that, i think "Is it like taboo for a guy to say 'OMG' online, unless they aren't straight?" So what ends up happening is all of my energy, all my attention focuses in on how any guy I interact with (in person or online) acts, talks, fluctuates the tone of their voice, walks, basically EVERYTHING they do. I wish I could just stop thinking about it but i can't. It;s always there. I also compare the way straight men dress vs. gay men, and if I would ever dress the way a gay man does...well that would just be awful..so every time I see a gay guy, i ask myself "would i ever wear anything like that?" and if the answer is yes, it really bugs me, because then it becomes, "well if i would wear something like that, then shouldnt any straight guy also wear something like that?" so then i would look around to see if straight guys would wear anything like that (like say, a tight t-shirt, which can really go either way lol)..but then if its only a few straight men, that isnt good enough for me, because i consider them a "minority", and since im so tired of not being "common", i cant see myself doing something that only a small amount of people do..

In a similar way, I try to figure out how common it is for men to cry and how often they do it and then compare it to myself, and in the same way, it's ironic that normally what makes me cry is something to do with this issue itself, otherwise I really don't have much else to cry about.

so it's terribly annoying but at the same time it just never goes away. It's probaby getting worse, for all i know, but I can't tell since every ounce of energy in my mind is completely absorbed in it. I can;t step outside my mind and take a look at what I'm doing from the outside. Thats what makes it so difficult.

I also nitpick at every little thing I see a (again straight) male do that might not be considered "acting like a guy." And then I'll end up making fun of them and saying they're either gay or they're a girl..just so I don't feel that way myself. And here's where the OCD comes into play.

I guess I just kinda use all this to verify...well I don't really know what I would need to verify since there's really nothing for me to question about it lol...I guess just to verify that if I can be like the rest of them - im keeping my fingers crossed, im not gonna just blow it off and say its never gonna happen because I have faith in science the same way someone with malignant cancer always holds onto hope even when most of it is gone..great, now that sounded pretty girly, didn't it? - anyway if i ever am like the rest of them..I guess I'm so sick and tired of feeling like an outcast that i feel like i have to verify to myself that when it does eventually happen..whenever that is..I'll finally feel like I'm actually part of the world and not just a spectator of it, that I'm just like everyone else. And the funny thing about all this is that I'm proabably a bigger conformist than most people would ever want to be, since the trend now seems to be towards making yourself...that awful u word lol...but even though I conform more than anyone else does I end up being more left out because of that because I guess conformity is basically obsolete now. I just use it to compensate for being left out, but i don't know if it's really al that effective

well now that i left a long post about a bunch of feeling crap, im pretty peed with myself...