Came out to fiancé still confused

[Guest shadowghost21]

So last weekend I came out to my fiancé. She knew I was into some crossdressing but I always gave her bogus reasons as to why I liked doing it. I had to come clean because this is the person I know I want to spend the rest of my life with. She deserved to know. So I worked up the courage over 2 painful weeks of self reflection and minor depression. To make sure that I was doing the right thing. We had a good chat about it and when I told her that eventually I would want to actually be a woman she said that she didn't know if she would be able to stick around. I told her that it isn't going to happen over night, I'm still the same game loving car driving person she fell in love with.

My problems now are pooling in me and I'm just looking for some gentle advice, I'm not suicidal or anything just conflicted and confused. I haven't ever told anyone about this ever in my life, im in my early 20's and as far back as I can remember I felt like I should have been a girl. So I just blended in and did what I could. But built a diverse set of friends .

Now the biggest problem im having is that I want to have a family. If I can't have my own kids I have always wanted to adopt. If I start HRT then that basically means no biological kids. I could bank my seed but that just sounds expensive.

My options as I saw them were: just do part time woman with no hormones until I have little ones or start down the HRT path. I haven't starting seeing a therapist as usually they are a route to start getting HRT. I figured if I just worked on part time I would see we're things are with my relationship in a few months and then take it from there.

Side notes, may or may not be relevant I think they are since I'm posting them I'm a software engineer, so planning and structure are my bread basket, that also means jobs o plenty. As far as part timeing I thought I'd get my ears pierced this weekend, I already cleared that with HR and my boss.

What's do you guys have to say? Sorry for any bad grammar I am on my iPad also have a bad cold right now

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-Kaili <3

[VickySGV]

You and your fiance are going to have to get some actual counseling on all of the issues you have brought up here, IF your future relationship is going to work as a marriage. It could very much work that way, but without the help in both of you understanding your feelings and dreams for the future, it will be tough. Hopefully you have a Gender Therapist working with you on your own issues in this, and that they can also help your fiance with her questions. In her eyes, you will not completely be the person she was attracted to in the first place, there could even be some very negative feelings about a charade you pulled on her by not being out front is the earliest days of the relationship. Get the counseling under way as soon as you can if there is to be hope for you as a couple.

[JJ]

Kaili,

Transitioning, or even really coming to terms with your real gender identity is extremely complex and brings up feelings and changes you never expect when you begin. Not bad necessarily but you change. the reason to see a gender therapist is not to get that script as much as to figure out where you need to go and how best to get there. I would strongly recommend doing that ASAP because it will make working out the relationship with your fiance much more likely. You don't really know yourself right now how far you need to go it sounds like and that makes it especially hard on your fiance. And you may well decide to partially transition or that it can be put off only to wake up one day and realize that just won't work or fall into a depression that will damage your life as well as your relationship.

Your fiances reaction is the one we hear most often here. Some people end up staying in the relationship and some don't but even the ones who end up supportive usually question whether they can at first. Don't let that statement get you down, If you go through this together with love then you have a chance to work it out. I would advise dealing with the gender issues before actually marrying. That first year or two of marriage usually have some real rough spots for people not facing other major issues. Add gender identity issues and you stack the deck against the marriage in my opinion. The stress would become enormous and stress is the enemy of relationships.. Not saying not to marry eventually or that it can't work but there are going to be extra considerations for you. Things you need to take into account and deal with in my experience and opinion.

You are lucky that your field is one where your gender expression won't affect you and it sounds like you have the skills and mindset to carefully assess and plan for the difficulties ahead. There will be rewards too. Big rewards

Johnny

[Guest JaniceW]

As a software engineer you know that every large scale development project is only built by building each small piece one at a time. If you tackle it by trying get the whole project in your head at the same time you never get anywhere. This journey is not dissimilar. Take it one step at a time. Each step takes time to get done anyway so why worry about what isn't happening right now, lord knows there's enough happening right now to worry about.

It took you time to get to where you are right now in understanding what is going on for you. You had a lot of doubt and fear along the way. You just told your fiance, she needs time now too. Don't decide for her what she's going to figure out for herself over time.

You family dreams are still just as real as they have ever been, nothing is changing there as long as you plan your journey well. A Gender Therapist or Life Coach can really help with that stuff.

[Guest shadowghost21]

Thank you everyone for your guidance. I'll seek out a gender therapist on my area in the coming weeks, together my fiance and I can work through this as a team. I find that breaking up a large problem like Janice mentioned is pretty much the only way I deal with large complex problems. I have a feeling that she is or has done some software work in the past If you ever try to think of the whole problem all at once your brain will explode and it can seem impossible. But You are right, there isn't anything different here than a piece of software the steps to solving the problem are still the same, problem is I know that, just with the fiance were also in software hehe. Until then, one day at a time!

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-Kaili <3

[Guest Svenna]

Kaili,

The ladies before me gave great advice, for sure...

A lot of folks arrive here in confusion complicated by love interests that don't know the 'full story'. Heck, most of us arrive here without knowing our 'full stories', so that is par for the course...

One step at a time, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other...eventually, we can emerge whole and healing...

Best to you and yours..

Love, Svenna

[Bulldog1948]

Kaili,

Transitioning, or even really coming to terms with your real gender identity is extremely complex and brings up feelings and changes you never expect when you begin. Not bad necessarily but you change. the reason to see a gender therapist is not to get that script as much as to figure out where you need to go and how best to get there. I would strongly recommend doing that ASAP because it will make working out the relationship with your fiance much more likely. You don't really know yourself right now how far you need to go it sounds like and that makes it especially hard on your fiance. And you may well decide to partially transition or that it can be put off only to wake up one day and realize that just won't work or fall into a depression that will damage your life as well as your relationship.

Your fiances reaction is the one we hear most often here. Some people end up staying in the relationship and some don't but even the ones who end up supportive usually question whether they can at first. Don't let that statement get you down, If you go through this together with love then you have a chance to work it out. I would advise dealing with the gender issues before actually marrying. That first year or two of marriage usually have some real rough spots for people not facing other major issues. Add gender identity issues and you stack the deck against the marriage in my opinion. The stress would become enormous and stress is the enemy of relationships.. Not saying not to marry eventually or that it can't work but there are going to be extra considerations for you. Things you need to take into account and deal with in my experience and opinion.

You are lucky that your field is one where your gender expression won't affect you and it sounds like you have the skills and mindset to carefully assess and plan for the difficulties ahead. There will be rewards too. Big rewards

Johnny

Johnny, Excellant advice and I totally concur with what you've said.

Mike