Multiple identities?

[Guest Enigmana]

So one of the things that I am really struggling with right now is this feeling of almost having multiple, conflicting identities. My feelings concerning my gender identity seem to fluctuate constantly. Some days being male really doesn't bother me much and there isn't a lot of dysphoria, other days simply seeing my genitals will cause me to burst into tears. I understand that these kind of fluctuations aren't all that uncommon, but for me it also feels kind of like my identity is shifting as well. Sometimes it feels like this person that I've tried so hard to be is might be the real me.....other times I see him as separate, like his thoughts, feelings, and desires are different than mine. It's profoundly confusing. I've spent pretty much my entire life up until just recently thinking about myself as a male; not because I wanted to, but because that's what I thought I had to be. And I feel like part of me is extremely reluctant to give up my male identity, while the other part is desperate to be female. I just don't know what to think. Whenever I think I've finally figured it out, my feelings shift again and I'm back to complete uncertainty. I'm working with my GT on this, but it's a really slow process and I feel like this is driving me crazy. Does anyone have any sort of advice for figuring out how I really feel when I seem to having all of these conflicting thoughts and feelings?

[Guest Elizabeth K]

This is tricky to answer, I think. We are not therapists and all we can do is explain how it was for ourselves, which may or may not apply directly to you.

I thought I had a dual personality - years and years - just like you wrote. I had a gender dysphoria therapist who explained what a dual personality is, and that is a VERY complicated condition. I am NOT a dual personality.

BUT I turned out to have a 'duality' - and we worked on that. At first I thought it was male and female. I was always using a 'third person' when referring to myself. I was actually female and female. One part f me wanted to transition, the other was afraid to. I was able tho consolidate that and now I am just me.

So what happened? I decided to accept transition and I am very content now But it can be something else for you. I think what you are experiencing is typical of gender dysphoria, and you need to work with a GT if you have not as yet?

Lizzie

[Guest Teri G]

lizzie...how did you consolidate those feelings? how did you overcome the fear?

teri

[Guest Elizabeth K]

How to consolidate myself? I would say 'Elizabeth' did this - Elizabeth thinks that. Then I learned to say "I" did this and I think that. I mean it made me face facts. What am I and what do I want? I could no longer blame things on another personality, I could only face up to the facts those feelings, female, male, all that - these were MY thoughts.

Fear? TERRIFIED! oh yes I was, still am sometimes. But I learned to think of it this way, I am what I am and that is the truth. I will always be what I am. We try maybe to run away from ourselves sometimes, but... we simply CANNOT MAKE THAT WORK.

So we are what we are. Start with that. You may not always KNOW exactly what you are - but it is what it is. Accept that.

Me? I am horribly gender dysphoric. GRIN - Maybe that seems obvious, but think on that.

Then it's not so scary after all, at least not that part!

Lizzy

[Michelle 2010]

So one of the things that I am really struggling with right now is this feeling of almost having multiple, conflicting identities. My feelings concerning my gender identity seem to fluctuate constantly. Some days being male really doesn't bother me much and there isn't a lot of dysphoria, other days simply seeing my genitals will cause me to burst into tears. I understand that these kind of fluctuations aren't all that uncommon, but for me it also feels kind of like my identity is shifting as well. Sometimes it feels like this person that I've tried so hard to be is might be the real me.....other times I see him as separate, like his thoughts, feelings, and desires are different than mine. It's profoundly confusing. I've spent pretty much my entire life up until just recently thinking about myself as a male; not because I wanted to, but because that's what I thought I had to be. And I feel like part of me is extremely reluctant to give up my male identity, while the other part is desperate to be female. I just don't know what to think. Whenever I think I've finally figured it out, my feelings shift again and I'm back to complete uncertainty. I'm working with my GT on this, but it's a really slow process and I feel like this is driving me crazy. Does anyone have any sort of advice for figuring out how I really feel when I seem to having all of these conflicting thoughts and feelings?

Almost every thing you have written applies to me as well. I don't know about reluctance at this stage of the game. I was reluctant to open Pandoras Box at all because I knew what was waiting to come out. Ta-Da!!! Here's Michelle...Pleased to meet you,lol! The surprising thing is that I would have expected my male self to have become more feminine over time and that I would need to guard against femininity in male mode. But the reality is that hasn't happened much. The two identities seem to remain separate, though Michelle wants a larger part of the duality as time goes on. Separate spirits... I love the usage of the term Two Spirit when describing myself to people for the first time. They "get it" when I use those terms. Its easy to understand for those who are not emersed in the trans issues as we are.

What I do is try to accept myself as Two Spirit and go from there. I spent most of my life feeling like I had to solve contradictions and make puzzles fit together, but today I don't have to live that way. I am who I am and finally, somewhat late in life, accept it. I hope the balance I have today remains sufficient to maintain my sanity. I am active in my lifestyle and have many friends who know about my two spirit nature. They accept it and me even if they are not part of my life where I present female. That group is reletively small but growing. some of them are trans, spouses of trans folks, gays, straight women, and currently no straight guys, though that may change.

So far my efforts at balance are successful though the reality is I would present female socially all the time if it were convenient. But its not... For today at least, I am not tortured by that fact...

I suppose other than the experiences I shared, the question or advice would be... why be tortured over the shifting nature of your identification?? The torture to me was the fear of withdrawal of approval by friends or family. So really for me the issue was not what i "thought", it was what I was going to "do", action I was going to take... Were the risks worth the rewards? For me I had no choice once Michelle had left the closet ... I had to develop social activities.

Michelle

[Guest Roux]

I can't add anything to the conversation, personally, but something similar is currently being discussed here: Multiple Internal Identities. Maybe you'll find something helpful in there. =)

[Guest Enigmana]

I can't add anything to the conversation, personally, but something similar is currently being discussed here: Multiple Internal Identities. Maybe you'll find something helpful in there. =)

That's interesting, but I don't think that's quite the same as the way I feel. It's not like this is dissociative identity disorder or anything. It's more like.....like I have the illusion of different identities simply because my feelings seem to shift so drastically. Multiple identities was simply the best way I could think to describe it. And it's not like I view my male and female feelings equally. When I feel more female, I generally feel great. Happy, energetic, optimistic.....And when I feel more male, I find myself consumed by feelings of doubt and inner conflict. It just feels like going back and forth between these things is driving me crazy.

[Guest RAWR:3]

Ooh me me I can relate too!

No really though, my feelings shift back and forth just like you described, I went to talk to a therapist but he didn't really help (he wasn't a gender therapist >.>). The feeling-shifts drive me crazy! I decided to think it over myself for a while, and I'm pretty sure that I've figured it out. I seem to be happy when my dysphoria is bothering me, because it at least lets me know what I am, and when the feelings disappear, I get worried, and thats when I start to doubt myself. I actually get scared that my feelings won't come back O.O

What kind of idiot would be worried about the feeling NOT coming back? A transgender person. (At least I think >.>)

I'm still going to get an appointment with a gender therapist just to be on the safe side, but that's how I see it as of right now, I hope this helped.

[Guest Enigmana]

Ooh me me I can relate too!

No really though, my feelings shift back and forth just like you described, I went to talk to a therapist but he didn't really help (he wasn't a gender therapist >.>). The feeling-shifts drive me crazy! I decided to think it over myself for a while, and I'm pretty sure that I've figured it out. I seem to be happy when my dysphoria is bothering me, because it at least lets me know what I am, and when the feelings disappear, I get worried, and thats when I start to doubt myself. I actually get scared that my feelings won't come back O.O

What kind of idiot would be worried about the feeling NOT coming back? A transgender person. (At least I think >.>)

I'm still going to get an appointment with a gender therapist just to be on the safe side, but that's how I see it as of right now, I hope this helped.

Wow, it's so weird how similar that is to how I am. I also find myself almost feeling better when I feel the dysphoria. When it goes away I start freaking out and thinking that maybe I'm not trans after all. And those time scare me. It's like even if I feel male, I really don't think I want to feel that way. Ah man, why does this stuff have to be so confusing?

[Guest Jo-I-Dunno]

First of all, that other thread was started by me and someone said it sounded like disassociative identity phenomena, but what I was describing fits more with you. Different desires correlate with different feelings. I just got a little too abstract with it as I explored my thoughts.

It used to bother me when my feelings would go away. I've since realized it's because I really wanted an excuse. Now I don't feel like I need an excuse. The days/hours I feel like I need to be something other than what I am, then yay! I'm on my way. The days that I don't, well I don't mind being who I am and I know soon enough I'll absolutely want it again.

It's a choice between usually longing for something/sometimes not caring and usually feeling good about yourself/sometimes not caring. Who cares about the not caring part? If you're like me, that part won't change, but you can improve the other part.

Some days I do feel particularly male, which may make hormones and transition sound like a bad idea, but that's not necessarily true. Honestly, even if I ever do adopt a female identity, the male part of me won't mind living in it for the day or two at a time he exists. Heck, I think he'd like the change of pace. Besides, I imagine that if I ever do adopt a female identity, it'll be such a tomboy that the differences will be negligible.

As a side note, being physically male but wanting to come off as a tomboy is really hard to pull off without just looking like a boy.

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Enigmana,

You woudl definitely need to see a qualified Therapist to help you sort this out. However, one big clue that would point to DID, (as opposed to gender dysphoria) would be if you experience major lapses in time where you cannot remember what you have done or where you have been. You may also find times around your home that you do not remember acquiring ....things that you are not interested in ... like, if you listen to Heavy Metal and you find a Dixie Chicks CD that you don't remember buying. It sounds funny .. but this is the type of thing that you might notice if you had DID.

I liked Lizzie's explanation of her own experience with duality and eventual cohesion.

I live with DID and experienced body dysphoria prior to my hysterectomy and later double mastectomy. I experienced sever gender dysphoria as a very young child. I now live comfortably and happily as androgyne.

Take time to explore all facets of yourself. You will find that you are truly amazing!

I wish you well on your journey,

JB

[Guest Sheri-bi]

My shifts in identity are not scary, just maybe a little confusing (thought provoking?). My dominate self is female but at times I don't give a damn (more masculine? depressed?). I'm certainly most happy as female or most female when happy. The shifts don't alarm me, but I could see how they would to others. My suggestion is to just accept whatever comes. Ride, Sally, ride!

[Guest ricka]

A fascinating thread. My thoughts are that much of our identity is learned and in a sense lived unconsciously by rote---in other words out of habits that are deeply ingrained. In my own life I still have to go to work en homme. I do it by rote, with little in the way of consciousness. When I am being mindful----i.e. aware of myself and who I am I know that I am a woman. So in a real sense I feel like I "lose myself" when I have to be en homme and here lies the gender dysphoria, feeling disconnected from myself and my womanhood.

Miss Ricka