Slow Start

[Guest ZoeG360]

OK so I am now two weeks on Spirolactone and though I know its not E, I really want something to happen.

Yea I know, its reducing T, but even that does not seem to be happening. No loss in strength, no change in much "down there" and though I really want to feel like its changing my head, I am not sure I can say I really feel anything that would be something other than psychological because I want it so bad.

The doc didn't put me on E because of my blood pressure and the spiro certainly fixed that. My BP is right where its supposed to be.

I have to wait two more weeks to get some labs done then another month before I see the doc again. No E until then.

I know the reason for waiting was right, BP at my age is important, but 6 more weeks seems agonizingly long. I only hope the spiro does something in the meantime. I need something to change. Anything. I need to feel like I am progressing, at least a little.

Zoe

[Guest Chii]

Patience is always a virtue

I've always found it helpful to focus on things I can work on or change to make myself feel better while I'm waiting. Then before you know it the waiting is over and you are more than just the one step closer to being who you want to be

[Guest Shari]

Don't worry Zoe.

Things are happening inside, even if you don't see or feel it yet. Your doctor's approach is very common and for your benefit. Hang in there, it's a long road but you've definitely started on your way.

Hugs,

Shari

[Guest Jennifer_Lynn]

I understand how hard it is to wait. From the time I presented to my psychologist to the time I finally had my appointment with my Endo was almost 8 months. I had to train my doctors on the proper care and feeding of a transsexual. Was it worth the wait??? Oh yes it was.

Jenn

[Guest Mia J]

Hi Zoe two weeks on only a anti-androgen is probably not going to show a lot of difference. It will take time and the amount of time is going to be different for each person. A lot depends on how much T your body produces normally. My T was already low when I started and it still took over a month before I noticed anything.

Mia

[Guest ZoeG360]

Thanks everyone.

I am trying so hard to be patient. My T was at the very lowest end of the normal spectrum when I started and I know that its a slow process, if it was fast it would probably be really painful.

Its just that I want this all to work so badly. My deep seated fear lies in wondering what I will do if HRT is not the answer, what if it does not work, does not give me relief and does not allow me to become happy with my self?

I have tried everything else and I feel like I at least have a compass and a fair wind for the moment and hope its enough to overcome the tide I have been fighting against all my life. (Sorry, I wax metaphoric :>)

Chii: You are right, I need to focus on the little things I can do to stay in this moment.

Shari: Thanks for that, I was wondering if starting on Spiro alone was typical or even done much. So many people seem to just jump on the E train.

As they say, time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

[Guest chngnwnd]

Zoe,

You are right that if things happen quickly, it can be uncomfortable. That is what happened to me. I was a big 'ol "B" when things started to happen because I ached in sensitive areas 24-7 while it was happening. So...yea, going slow is probably much more physically comfortable.

Bobbi

[Guest Svenna]

Easy, girl!

You are expecting too much, too soon for the meds you are on...the time will pass, no sooner than not we'll be in the future and you'll be slippin' some E into yer life...ahhhhhhh....

Now, of course, YMMV, but at least you may know something for certain within, say, 90 days or so? I could tell within several doses that E was what I have been waiting for since the T arrived instead. If E is the med you need, there will be no mistaking it, in my experience. Just no two ways about it...lol...

I'm sorry you have to wait, you probably are ready now, but for some reason your patience is being tweaked. That's okay, it will happen again sometime, eh?

Glad you are on your way, though, it is a long way from where you started to where you are now. Soon, you can rest...

Love, Svenna

[Guest Shauna B]

I could tell within several doses that E was what I have been waiting for since the T arrived instead. If E is the med you need, there will be no mistaking it, in my experience. Just no two ways about it...lol...

That was exactly my experience with E also! I am sorry you are having to wait and are understandably frustrated (patience is not a virtue of mine). But, give it time and trust in your Doctor(s).

Congratulations on beginning your journey!

Hugs,

Shauna

[Guest ZoeG360]

That is good to hear, I actually have been counting on the effect that once the E starts, I will "know". I am hoping that with the T suppressed, it shouldn't take too long to know. YMMV of course.

I know my spouse is wanting to know. I think her decisions about our future together are hinging on what the E is saying to me. If its "the one" and I move forward to transition, I suspect she is out of here. Either way though, this thing needs to move to the next step. I need to know (even though I already do)

I have been struggling today and I am having one of those "questioning everything" kinds of days. I have to be in male mode today though Wednesday and I hate it. But then I am scared of transitioning. Uggh I just need to shut up, put my head down and make it through. Sorry for the rant.

[Guest Kael147]

I know I'm wearing slightly different shoes, but I've just started a low does T and I wish things would happen! I know in my head that I won't see any real physical changes for some time, but psychologically I feel much better that I am actually doing something. I have known for many many years that I'm a man, but I just got the courage to do something about it in August last year and frankly (even though I feel it is a snail pace) things have moved quite rapidly all things considered (I suppose)!!!

I hate waiting and want control over my body, but it certainly is true I can only do what I can do! My body will do what it does, my doc will only give me what he thinks is best, and I can only be me. Sheesh!!!

Hang in there!

Kael

[Guest Svenna]

Zoe,

No need to apologize, you have a lot on your plate and it is time to make some kind of move. The waiting will play tricks on you, but know this, the longer you play this part out, the more certain you will be about what to do when the E hits your brain. This is valuable time to consider and reconsider how you arrived at this junction in your life. It is a time to build resolve, while you have the 'testicles' to do it, pun intended!

You may face big losses and tumult in the near future, enjoy the momentary lull in the action. Finding time and space to rest along this journey can make the difference between going bonkers and managing to stay afloat...

I don't envy your position at all, but then again, I was just in your shoes less than 4 months ago! Not again..lol...

You seem to me to be pretty well centered on the runway, awaiting clearance for take-off....yay!!

Best to ya until the E arrives, Svenna

[MackenzieB]

At least when you do start E your T levels will be down. That's a plus. And a slow start is a lot better than no start.

[Guest ZoeG360]

Thanks everyone.

Kael: The only difference in our shoes is the size of the heel! Patience is not in either of our vocabularies it seems.

Svenna: You bring tears to my eyes, you have a way of grounding me and I wish at times I had your clarity of purpose. I think a lot about how I got here and though not as hard as many, it has been a long tortuous route. I think about how at every juncture, my female side has been there, sometimes for good, sometimes causing me extreme pain. There have been times when its like that Whack-a-Mole thing at the fair where the more I hit it with a mallet, the faster it pops up. Then I realize I am just beating myself in the head and all it does is give me a headache.

It would take a lot of denial to think that after all these years, that Zoe is a figment of my imagination.

Lacey Lynn (she so rocks!) recommended a book to me about transitions (not our kind, but life transitions) that speaks to how making a true transition (as opposed to a change) involves a dismantling and disengagement from the past and becoming disenfranchised with the forms of reality you always held to be true (like: "Its a boy!"). I think what I am struggling with is that in order for this all to work, I will have to dismantle my life before I can rebuild it the way it should be. The book speaks to how this can leave you disoriented but opens space in your head for the new paradigms to come.

Svenna, you are right, it is a lull right now that gives me a chance to breathe. I cannot let fear get into my head. Sometimes I just don't want to think about all this, I just want to "be".