When is the right time?

[Guest andrea2012]

I wanted to ask when is the right time to start telling people about this, basically the only change for me would be my appearance as I go along (longer hair, loss of facial hair, more feminine face, breasts, etc) and from what I read when you finally do get on hormones it's a slower process than imagined so they won't just notice it one day and have an AHA moment.

I would rather tell my two best friends first, the issue is that one is my ex and still views me visually as a guy. With her I'd like to leave it as long as possible if I have to tell her at all, I already know her views on such things and she quite possibly won't speak with me again...My mother will also have such problems but won't push me out for life (I also live with her right now).

Do some people just leave it until very late in the day until they tell? I can probably get away with a bit more as I wouldn't wear makeup in public and still plan on dressing as a male permanently. I have considered binding any breast tissue early on but that won't be able to be done forever.

I'd like feedback from anyone who has faced a similar problem.

[~Nova~]

Their is no "right" time. Everybody has a time where they feel the time is right and they come out. Some tell everyone early and get it over with and some tell a select few and hope they can get by without anyone noticing.

For me, I told my sister and asked her not to talk about it with anyone. I was then told at group that I was being selfish and needed to let her talk so I told my other sister. Neither of them talk with me anymore. I would have liked to wait on telling them so that could have had contact as long as possible, but on the other side, they showed their true colors and I deserve better than that.

Their is no right or wrong time. It's all up to you to decide when and who.

[Guest Amber90]

Hello Andrea,

The answer on when to come out is a rather tricky one. It differs from person to person really, depending on what your current life situation is, and whether or not you feel ready to take the leap. I can only really make a suggestion from my own personal view, but I hope that it helps you in some way.

I’ve so far only told one person: a friend of mine who’s a rather forward thinking individual. I had always assumed that he would be tolerant toward my coming out, but it still took me several years to build up my courage. In this situation, I did not say anything until I felt reasonably comfortable and assured about who I was.

I have not told my family that I’m transgender yet, but this is mainly due to financial and security purposes. I’m of the opinion that my folks will grow to tolerate me once I tell them, but due to some uncertainty, I don’t want to take any risks at this point in time, as I am completely dependent upon them financially. Once I have my own place and financial security, however, I plan on telling them.

So I think it’s all down to how confident you feel, how assured you are with yourself, and what effects you personally think telling people may have on your life. But as I mentioned above, it differs from person to person, hence why some people come out during their teens, whilst others come out much later on in life.

Hopefully someone with more experience on this subject than can give you a better answer than I can, but I do hope that this has benefited you in some way.

Amber

xx

[Guest andrea2012]

Thank you both very much, I appreciate what you're saying. I'm still very unsure, all I know is that since I finally made the choice to be who I feel I am rather than what people want me to be I haven't felt so happy before. Perhaps I'm jumping the gun a bit about telling people.

Part of me does wonder if I can go on the hormones later on and just not say anything unless people ask. I know my 4 half brothers and sisters won't ever speak to me again if they learn of it. Just how it goes I guess.

[Guest Risu]

Sometimes we lose a lot to transition and sometimes we gain support in very unexpected places. It is unfortunate that families are so shallow. For me I didn't come out to the family I live with for quite some time. One day my grandmother backed me into a corner and insisted I tell her why I needed to see a therapist. So I told her even though I was sure she would throw me out because her intolerance usually knows no bounds... but first she went into denial and then she slowly came to accept it. She still doesn't like it but ultimately we're still close.

The right time is whenever is right for you and I hope when that time comes things go better than you'd ever expected! No matter what we are here for you to vent to and lean on.

*hugs*

~Jade.

[Guest andrea2012]

Thank you very much Before coming here I had never mentioned this to anyone and it's nice to have support...

I've decided to tell my more accepting best friend when I have a quiet time with her, I was going to do it yesterday but I had been messaging her and telling her in a round about way but she didn't get it... called her and her sister had been there the entire time reading what I was saying but hadn't twigged either. I felt so awful about it and am a bit annoyed she didn't say she was there...her sister is the kind of girl who will likely make fun of me...

I guess it's just sitting her down when we get some quiet time.

My mother noticed my hair is slowly growing long again as well, told me if it gets longer I'll look like a girl and that it's disgusting when men look like women. I still feel absolutely overjoyed at not denying myself anymore so it didn't break me but it makes things much harder. I may end up homeless in the long run and have to accept that.

She must have some idea as she has been telling me since I was small 'I don't want a daughter, I want a son' and things like 'if you ever dye your hair I'll disown you'. I want it blonde so I'm going to do this whole thing in slow steps as I read other people have...longer hair, then when it's at the right length dye it, slightly blonde, then a bit more..etc...lose the facial hair with lazer stuff (I can pretend I have gotten better at shaving ), hormones etc.

If I can completely escape her knowing because it's so gradual...I may have a chance. I just hate having to pretend like this to please others. That and I know my eldest brother may beat me up (very likely) if he finds out but luckily I have avoided him for the last 5 years...

As much as I haven't felt so alive and free in about 11/12 years since puberty started...I also haven't felt so scared either for the consequences. It's like waking up out of a coma to find theres a lynch mob outside. I'm trying to see the funny side of it and get a thicker skin.

To be entirely honest I think thats my reason for staying dressed male while having all other treatments and also wearing a chest binder, if I can pass as a really girly guy I can just about do it where I live, if I don't I'm very likely to be beaten and abused. I want to feel safe. Sorry for such a long post.

[MackenzieB]

I have to agree with Autumn's reply. You, and only you will know when the time is right. For me, some people I'm leaving to find out for themselves and I'm not planning on making any announcements. This includes pretty much everybody on my wife's side of the family. But I've not spoken or seen any of those people in over 3 years so I'm not worried about it either. My side of the family and our friends all know for the most part.

As far as work is concerned, that's happening in a couple hours from now. So I can't give you any advice on that.

[Guest andrea2012]

Fortunately I work for myself in computer repair/virus removal so I go and see my clients, if I lose any then...oh well. I won't mention it unless they do!

I really do hope that it works out for you telling your colleagues! I don't know if I have the courage to tell anyone yet until I've begun on hormones...

[MackenzieB]

It went fine. Which surprised me for working in an all male place. Their biggest concerns were what was I going to wear to work and which bathroom would I be using.

[Guest andrea2012]

If you don't mind me asking, how did you personally approach it? Not just with work but in general was it like 'I have something I need to tell you?' or different? Also...the bathroom question they asked I'd never thought of! What was your answer to that question?

I'm so pleased it went well for you.

[MackenzieB]

I had requested the meeting a few weeks ago. I told my department head about 3 weeks ago and my supervisor 2 weeks ago. At the meeting with the rest of the department, I simply introduced myself. It was like this, "Good Morning all, My name is Mackenzie, I'm transsexual and I'm in transition". I couldn't see the purpose of "beating around the bush". After that I explained about the term Transgender and a very brief explanation of the various groups under that umbrella. For some reason I felt it important to explain that I'm not a drag queen, tv or a cd. Discussed attire, not much changing there as I repair medical equipment for a living. Climbing up ladders or crawling around on the floor can occur several times a day depending on what I'm working on. As far as bathrooms, the VA has a directive out that states I can use whatever bathroom I desire. There's several unisex ones with lockable doors around the hospital. That'll be my first choice. Following that a smaller women's bathroom. There's no way I'm going to step into a men's room. I have a bit too much chest to blend in, especially when I'm not wearing a shirt made by Omar the tent maker. All I've done to hide my development to date is wear shirts 2 sizes too big. But that isn't really working anymore.

[Guest andrea2012]

Thanks very much for that. It sounds like the direct approach works best for like people you're not too close to. I'm just about to tell my best friend in the next ten minutes about all this on the phone. Oh and thanks for the shirt advice, I probably won't be on hormones for some time but it's all good to know about.

that sounds a plan until I can afford a binder. The plan is to be me in my room early on until I get to a point where I can be me anywhere...baby steps...

[Guest andrea2012]

I know you're not meant to have 2 posts together, but I'm so overjoyed! I told my best friend and was like 'I don't feel like a man when I look in the mirror, it's made me miserable since puberty' and she just goes 'get it changed then, it's fine'. I thought she'd take it well compared to everyone else,m just not that well! Now I feel like I have some support closer to home it's a massive weight off my shoulders. Very happy! Thanks to all for their advice for do it when you feel is right.

[MackenzieB]

good for you! I'm glad that it went well with your friend. I think that a true and trusted friend should be able to see through the gender thing and cherish the person you are inside.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I just wan to add this. When you tell one person, no matter how they promise, within a month everyone will know. So be cautious.

Lizzy

[Guest andrea2012]

Hmm...well she lives in germany and we have a completely different friend set to each other these days (unlike in the past), the only person I really do not want knowing is her sister as I think she'd hate or absolutely mock me for it. Perhaps her father as well. It doesn't matter too much as long as we can stay friends.

Thanks for the warning Lizzy, thinking about it I know if I tell my mother she will ring up her 2 best friends within a day or so. I once told her a secret and she couldn't contain herself... Always had thought people would keep secrets like I do...guess not. Guess it's just part of the whole thing. Don't feel like a need to tell anyone else except perhaps my ex and my 2 male best friends...and not yet for the ex, things with her are at an all time low anyway.

I guess you have to be prepared to lose people or have them act different once you've decided to tell them. In the cold light of day the girl I told acted a bit different towards me after it was all said, she wasn't trying to, it was just so weird for her (I can understand why of course) and she needs a bit of a while to adjust. I'll see how things go overall with her before telling anyone else.

Thanks to everyone here all for the support. Had I not come here I wouldn't even of gotten this far.

[Guest GraceWindell]

Looks like you will be testing the waters of friendship and love sometime soon... best of luck. I don't really have any advice for you other than if your mom and friends really love you and your friends are true friends, then you shouldn't have a problem."

good luck!!

~Grace

[JJ]

Andrea

With me it worked best to play it by ear. Some people I told right away some I waited. My appearance changed so radically that if I didn't see someone for awhile I neede to explain when I did -some no longer recognized me.

I also never ever referred to the phrase transsexual because people have so many negative images and misunderstandings that you spend the rest of the conversation talking more about what you are not than what you are and still may not get it across. I live in an area where fundamentalist religion is the norm and known to be one of the most conservative areas in the country. I am completely out now -even at my granddaughter's school -without one negative reaction. To me or my loved ones. My daughter did overhear a negative LGBT conversation at work but I wasn't mentioned and the instigator later apologized saying they had been off their psych meds

I chose my words carefully and started by explaining the scientific, medical explanation that this is a physical condition resulting from a cross wiring of the brain during fetal development. It is hard for someone to condemn you for having what is in effect a birth defect. I have also explained the suicide rates to some. That this isn't a suck it up and live with it situation but pervasive and makes life miserable in a thousand ways. With some I ended up asking them how they would like to spend even a day being forced to live as the opposite gender-having to pretend and be seen that way, much less a lifetime. I found that very effective.

The truth is that we are only stopping faking it and playing a role. We are not becoming something different. We are just letting people know the truth so we can be real in our lives. So we can find some peace.

Many countries are now recognizing this as an intersex condition. I believe that is an accurate description because the most important determining factor in our gender identity - our brain -physically doesn't match our other biological characteristics. And have found that makes it a lot easier for many people to accept. Takes it out of the whole Drag Queen and weirdo realm into a medical one where it really belongs.

Hope some of this helps and all the best of luck with your disclosures

Johnny

[Guest andrea2012]

Thank you both for your comments. I think the intersex comment is dead on also, I mean my body even before I've done anything or even modified a segment or tried to make it look female, it isn't visually completely male, I have curves like a girl, very long arms, some of my facial features like eye lashes and quite high cheek bones do make me wonder if I got a mixed set of hormones pre birth. When I was much younger without effort I would constantly pass as female even before I realized all of this going on (it was annoying to try and be male and not be accepted!). Last year after my shoulders seemed to widen I passed a bit less since but still do on occasion.

I live in a northern England former industrial area, there's some accepting people but not many. You have to be 'a man' or you're seen as something to be stepped on, until my late teenage years and doing martial arts I was battered and verbally abused constantly for being too female, especially by the other children in school, in honesty I will choose an androgynous life because I know of the consequences if I do not. Even this morning someone rolled their window down and hurled abuse about my appearance. (My girlie walk was probably the indicator that I wasn't a normal guy, again something I have tried to resist doing but when I'm not thinking about how to walk it slips straight back in...)

Where I live...here you're either a hard nut or you get slapped down and beaten for it (and the beatings were many in the past, especially childhood). Better to be cautious. It's just finding a way to explain to the ones I care about without them turning against oneself. Oh and you're right about using the word transsexual to people, it would cause mayhem here!

Thanks to all who have helped.

[Guest andrea2012]

Hmm, I just wondered if anyone else has had the experience of a friend being really supportive and then ignoring them completely? The friend I told who I speak every day to normally has avoided speaking to me for the last 2 days. Has this happened to anyone else and did they come around eventually? I don't want to push it if she needs time and space to accept it... Feel very low and depressed right now, it's difficult not to worry when I think of losing her friendship out of everyone that could go...

[JJ]

Andrea this may not be a trans issue at all. I asssumed a friend turned away from me similarly. Turned out that I had not been paying the usual amount of attention to her and her feelings were hurt.

We tend to become somewhat more self absorbed and sensitive through all of this and that can have a negative impact on friendship.

people can also have issues of their own or circumstances that cause them to be unavailable. So don't assume the worst.

If she is turning away for trans reasons try to maintain contact and give her time to come to terms with it as well as giving her an opportunity to tell you if it is something specific.

Sometimes it happens that people do find they can't accept-and sometimes we leap to conclusions. I hope it's the latter

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest andrea2012]

I'll send her a message or two on facebook and see what happens. Ended up telling my other best friend who is my ex...well was my ex until yesterday...lets just say I was pleasantly surprised by her reaction as she was the one after 'mummy' who was likely to take it worst.

I mentioned that because you're dead on, the former ex (now gf again) said I had been distant for the last few weeks/months and that she was overjoyed to see me as me again, as long as I was happy she couldn't care less as long as we were still together...Hadn't realized it had been like that from my part!

I'll do my best to make sure I don't shut people out and pay them the attention they would normally of had prior to this... think there was such a worry about how they'd take it and bothering over oneself that there was a shutting of them out as well. Thank you for your advice Johnny, it was perfectly accurate

[JJ]

That makes me so happy for you!

Johnny