FTM Hallway advice request

[Guest NyB]

Hi guys:

I could use some experience, strength, hope, advice....

I am doing my best to present and live as male, I haven't started hormones and I can't afford top surgery yet. I plan on finding a therapist very soon to start talk therapy to get the support I need in the hallway of transition. I am not where I used to be, denying my true male self, and I am not transitioned. I am in the uncomfortable hallway between the two states of being. I remember a transman who had transitioned telling me that it would be hard to be in the inbetween place or neither all this or that.how true that is...I was wondering what you guys are doing to get through the awkward middle spot. I had a customer comment that my hair was getting shorter and shorter and I didn't say anything at first because it didn't seem appropriate to say anything then he commented again about my hair and I said in a low voice to him and the woman he was with so he/they could just hear it, because I wait on the public and there were more customers waiting for me to help them, anyway I said, I am transgendered and I am transgendered and I am transitioning and they both look kinda shocked and embarrassed that they were part of my disclosure, the woman thanked me for sharing with them and he then said well at least you can do something about it, I always wanted to be 6 foot tall and I can't do anything about that.. I wanted to say it isn't in the same category to want to change your height, it is much different to transition physically to your inner gender... But I let it go and moved on to the next customer... Ugggh... I wish I had a job where I didn't have to serve the public...it feels so awkward to be where I am right now...changing in front of their eyes...educating those around me... I look forward to the day when I pass...it may be a while so I need to get some strategies going that will help me get through days like today... Thanks for your comments etc in advance... Tommy

[Guest ShortyT]

If someone at my workplace had commented on my hair in that manner, I would have just smiled politely and said "It sure is!" (i.e. "sure is getting shorter") As for his comment on wishing to being taller - true, they are not comparable, but it sounds more like he was just trying to show he was "cool with it".

Before I started T, or it had a decent effect, I would be gendered as female by strangers most of the time. I just ignored it. If I were meeting new people I'd make sure to be quick to shake their hand and introduce myself by name, and the pronouns would be correct. Most of the time at least... I remember a nurse at a hospital who was all over the place with the pronouns when I was having a severe asthma attack, but I was to busy trying to get air to be too annoyed at the time. >.>

[Guest Kael147]

Hey,

I work as my female name and have clients who pay a lot for my services. It is one of my challenges with coming out. I had hair down the middle of my back, wore power womwn's suits, make up jewelry the whole 9 yards and now people are like - whoa you cut your hair!

Ya and I'm wearing men's clothes and and ...

Most days I get either sir or ma'am, but rarely both on the same day. If I'm particularly androgenous I find people don't call me anything and just say "hi can I help you" or whatever.

I think I am more comfortable being me even pre-T when I wear my hair and dress how I feel most comfortable. I don't think you need to come out to the world or educate or feel uncomfortable, just be your regularly great guy and all will be good.

I just can't be bothered to worry about what other people think anymore!

So my only hallway tip is to be comfortable with who you are, look how you want, tell who you like, live purposefully and honestly and the path will be much clearer! You're rockin' it!

Later,

Kael

[Guest MisterKyte]

I can really relate to having to pass in the workplace. Personally, it's one of the hardest things I've had to do in my whole life and it was made even worse because my body really wasn't built to look androgynous at all! I've been on hormones for a bit over a year now and I'm still having issues with presenting.

I would really have to agree with ShortyT though because I've always found ignoring others to be the easiest course of action but this may be due to the fact that I'm a very private person to begin with. Sometimes just being in your own head is feels like the most comfortable environment because you don't have to consider the outside world and especially any possible outside opinions, it's just all up to your own intuition but I applaud you for being able to speak up for yourself nevertheless! I could have never done that and if you've got the drive to educate those around you then why not go for that. Maybe ultimately a more educated work environment will end up being the most comfortable.

Being in between identities is always a really tough spot because not only are you working out what's going on with your own body, you tend to still have the rest of the world to deal with as well and that can just be a lot to take in sometimes. I never really liked talking with my friends or family about the way I felt, still don't, because I can never seem to find the proper words to express what it is that I'm thinking about but through most of my high school career, I found myself turning to anecdotes on this forum by other people. Like about anything really, not even specifically about transitioning or passing or whatever. It just made me feel like that no matter how I was at that moment in time, it would all be sorted out in the end and I could live as who I wanted to live as. I don't know about you but trying to focus on the future rather than the present helps me feel like all these minor interactions are just technicalities and they won't hinder my transition in the end. Thinking like this, I find that you can just kind of let everything slide and progress without getting strung up about it.

I hope this maybe can help and isn't too wordy. xD

[JJ]

Since I first read this I have thought about it a lot

Basically I think though there are some tricks that will work to some extent the only thing that really makes a difference is attitude. Whether you are feeling it or not-and I don't really think anyone can all the time-putting off an air that says "No matter how I look I am a nice guy and alright". Smile and meet people's eyes.

Your first instinct is often to avoid eye contact because we fear the derision or questions or hostility we may see in another's eyes. But that sends a direct message that we are not okay. We are. We have had to step temporarily outside the norms to be what really is the norm and okay for us.

Head up and a smile with eye contact will go along way. Work almost every time. That and recognizing that a few may have a problem or as is human nature be curious. It's their problem and not yours unless you make it so. Besides curiosity is not hostile or disapproving. It's a driving force of human nature-how we got smart and survived. Disclose if you feel like it-don't if you don't. A simple acknowledgment of a statement is fine too. A "Yes, I've made some changes" or "I like my hair shorter". Accompanied by a smile of course because when you look confidant about it they'll be less likely to question you or your choice.

This inbetween was hard for me. I have a streak of......well a vanity of a sort I suppose because I like to present myself at my best whether it was male or female. Raised that way.........and being seen as so different was hard. Took a lot of mental effort not to make it a big problem in my life. It's a passage that has to be walked. It was the right choice for me and that and remaining open and friendly were what I focused on.

Then one day it was over. I no longer worry about what people see or think. They see a man. Their words and actions tell me so. It happens and while it seems to last forever at the time it really goes fairly quickly in my experience.

Johnny

[Ravin]

When I first changed my appearance at work, I went from covering my waist-length hair with a scarf and often wearing ankle length skirts to a short cut and men's clothes pretty much overnight. A lot of people commented, and I pretty much just told them it was time for a change. That satisfied most everyone. I'm in the "hallway", and likely will be for some time yet, as both family situation and money dictate that any permanent or expensive part of transition must wait. "Hurry up and wait" is nothing new to me, so it's cool. In the mean time, I do my best to just be myself.