Pre-t Blues And Minor Family Drama

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

I already blogged about this, but I figured I'd post an abbreviated version here.

Last week I posted about how I heard back from the clinic and Atlanta. My blood work is back and it's all good. I'm all set for T. However, I never got a concrete start date. I'm going to call on Monday and try to pin something down, but for right now, I am losing it. It isn't like I am having a break down or something. I just can't keep my mind on focused on anything except getting that T. I'm anxious and afraid that it will never happen. This feels 100 times worse than when T was in the distant, uncertain future. It's like buying a lottery ticket and missing the winning numbers by one digit. I'm so close, but it STILL seems like it is never going to happen.

There are other things I am scared about too. The guy in Atlanta said they could call me in a scrip. Now, if what I know about controlled substances is correct, then I am not sure that they will be able to call in a scrip to a Florida pharmacy unless the doctor calling it in has a license in Florida too. I think they are going to have to call it in to a pharmacy in Georgia. That's no big deal because I am like 20 minutes from the Georgia state line. They can just call it in to the Walgreen's in Thomasville, GA. One aspect of this scares me. I am afraid the people at the pharmacy will be rednecks and not give me the scrip...or that some redneck will attack me. This is all irrational. I'm a freak. It's like my mind is racing. I keep thinking of anything and everything that can keep me from the T.

I can't deal like this. I figure I am going to either get that T called in early next week...or I am going to drive up there on Thursday. Yeah, Ray...if I do that, I'll be calling you so we can celebrate.

Now for the family drama. I'm out to my family. They took it well. I got supportive notes from both parents. With Dad, the matter is closed, I think. I've only had casual emails with him since. Mom is still working through things. She takes stuff harder than Dad does. This could probably be part of the reason they aren't married.

This morning I got a note from my mom. It was a nice note. The full text is posted on my livejournal (there is a link in my profile here). Anyway, the note basically asked that I consider putting off hormones until my grandmother dies. WHAT? WHO? I thought that was low, but I think my mom doesn't realize how low it is. I don't want my grandmother, who I love, to become some metaphorical roadblock. I don't want to put my life on hold while I wait for her to die. That's NOT COOL! I don't want "Granny, would you please die so I can live my life?" to EVER be a thought that comes anywhere NEAR my brain.

Other stuff my mom said suggests that she realizes that I am having surgery soon. I just haven't told her exactly how soon it will be or that it is paid for and scheduled. I should probably just go ahead and do that. At least she's trying to understand. I really don't think she meant the note to be nasty. I think she just doesn't fully get what she's asking me to do. Now I am going to write a nice, calm little note that points out how horrible what she said actually is.

Maaaaaaaaaan...I want my shot sssooooooooooooooooooooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. I sound like a goat. There is this lady on CNN that looks like a goat. She's a political correspondent. I know it is mean, but she SO looks like a goat. That was random. Sorry. CNN is on in the background.

[Guest Keane]

That really sucks, just try to be patient, you WILL get T eventually, try to call the doctor or something to find out if the pharmacy is safe to go to.

I can see why your mom would want you to wait for your grandma to pass on before you start hormones, because I personally would rather do that too so i don't hurt her, she has a ..... "fragile mind," i guess, but if that doesn't happen, then oh well, I'm just gonna start transition anyway. Don't let your grandma stop you from being happy :0

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

That really sucks, just try to be patient, you WILL get T eventually, try to call the doctor or something to find out if the pharmacy is safe to go to.

I can see why your mom would want you to wait for your grandma to pass on before you start hormones, because I personally would rather do that too so i don't hurt her, she has a ..... "fragile mind," i guess, but if that doesn't happen, then oh well, I'm just gonna start transition anyway. Don't let your grandma stop you from being happy :0

I think it would hurt my grandmother to know that I am delaying my own happiness because my mom thinks it is a good idea. Yes, my grandmother is old (she's 87), but it isn't like she is in poor health. Her mother lived to be 94. I imagine she will live to be at least that old, if not older because she has fewer health problems than her mom did at that same age. Whatever. My mom is just not thinking about what she's asking. I'm tired of being the one who has to do all the hurting. Other people can hurt for a while.

Yeah, I'm mean sometimes.

[Flint]

Maaaaaaaaaan...I want my shot sssooooooooooooooooooooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. I sound like a goat. There is this lady on CNN that looks like a goat. She's a political correspondent. I know it is mean, but she SO looks like a goat. That was random. Sorry. CNN is on in the background.

I read all the post but i came to that last bit where you randomly wnet on about someone looking like a goat and i laiughed and now anything else i just read has gone out of my head......

[Guest Evan_J]

My mother actually did the same thing back when I first came out about being attracted to women , "do not tell your grandmother, she is too old and it will kill her". I did ultimately tell my grandmother and she not only was alright (whether or not she can see why) she was kind of "peed" at my mother for telling me that. She was like "What?!! Your mother has no business trying to decide for me what I am and am not able to know". Me and grandma have always been exceptionally cool. Mine is close to yours, 84. She knows I'm on T, she knows he whole deal, only thing worrying her is make sure I have a really good doctor and every thing goes right. Yes, it will matter to know the condition and personality of an elder person but if you think they're "up and at 'em" and pretty sure they will try to work through whatever they feel with you then no need to short change them as people saying "oh they can't handle it" just because of age.

I dunno. My grandmas always been a pip. Her favorite thing to do at this age is listen to my crazy stories about some escapade or other (which I gladly blow a little out of proportion to entertain her) and laugh and because she is 84 say "now look what you made me do, I done went and peed in my drawers" LOL

Oh, And for the record, I was the same way, even though I had the script. I was like "I'll lose it, don't let it blow away in the car. What if they don't want to fill it for me? What if there are questions? What if someone figures out its for me cuz I'm trans and adds some dangerous chemical to the vial cuz they want all trans people to die. What if...What if.... It's called "neurotic" Ainsley, and you aint the only one lol.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Thanks, Evan. I think you are right. There is no reason to keep things from my grandmother and decide what she can and can't handle. Apparently she handled the news okay. Mom just says that she doesn't seem to understand and there is no way to simplify it further. I figure it will sink in over time. I emailed my mother and explained that the changes from hormones happen gradually, so it isn't like I'll come home and "BAM" - I look like Grizzly Adams. I wish.

The other thing is that I don't think my mom realizes how much waiting for hormones hurts. I don't think anyone who isn't transgendered can really ever understand that. Still, I explained to her about how I have to go on job interviews next year. I'd rather not look like a chick in men's clothing or a 12 year old when I do that. My plan is to start out in my post doc with a clean slate, as the guy I am and not whatever it is I am now.

My grandmother has always been kind of a feisty lady. She's gotten a little more chill lately, but is a pretty resilient person. In a lot of ways, I'm closer to my grandmother than my mom anyway. I lived with her through high school and college. I think it will all work out fine.

Oh yes, I am neurotic. It's true. I hadn't thought about poisoning the vial, but that seems like something I would have come up with. I can see that your neuroticism is as bad as mine. I don't know if you have a lot of rednecks where you live, but these backwoods folks around here scare this little boy to death.

I am going to call the clinic tomorrow. I'm going out of my mind here!

Ainsley

[Guest J-Walker]

I've had the same problem with the endo I'm getting my T from. I went there a month ago and all he did was draw blood with no promise of supplying me T at the next meeting, just saying that I needed to think about it because "It's a life changing decision". No duh! Just know that this is a standard thing and don't worry about it. We'll get our precious man drugs.

I can't say much on the grandmother subject as both of mine died before I knew what trans was. My mom DOES say crap like that that is really insensitive but she doesn't understand that because her perspective is so different on this than mine. Just know that your parents are basically doing the same thing as the clinic- making sure you're ready.

[Guest Jackson]

There are other things I am scared about too. The guy in Atlanta said they could call me in a scrip. Now, if what I know about controlled substances is correct, then I am not sure that they will be able to call in a scrip to a Florida pharmacy unless the doctor calling it in has a license in Florida too. I think they are going to have to call it in to a pharmacy in Georgia. That's no big deal because I am like 20 minutes from the Georgia state line. They can just call it in to the Walgreen's in Thomasville, GA. One aspect of this scares me. I am afraid the people at the pharmacy will be rednecks and not give me the scrip...or that some redneck will attack me. This is all irrational. I'm a freak. It's like my mind is racing. I keep thinking of anything and everything that can keep me from the T.

There shouldn't be a problem with a physician calling in a prescription for T across state lines. T is only Schedule III. I believe it is federal law that all schedules of controlled substances except Schedule II can be called into a pharmacy. I only know pharmacy law in Wisconsin, but I have trouble believing any state is more conservative than Wisconsin. All you need to do is call the pharmacy of your choice and ask.

Unlike pharmacists who have to have a license for every state they practice in, physicians can practice in any state. It's not state-specific. All the pharmacy should need is all the physician's information (address, phone number, etc) and his or her DEA number for prescribing controlled substances. Beyond that, everything should be fine.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

There shouldn't be a problem with a physician calling in a prescription for T across state lines. T is only Schedule III. I believe it is federal law that all schedules of controlled substances except Schedule II can be called into a pharmacy. I only know pharmacy law in Wisconsin, but I have trouble believing any state is more conservative than Wisconsin. All you need to do is call the pharmacy of your choice and ask.

Unlike pharmacists who have to have a license for every state they practice in, physicians can practice in any state. It's not state-specific. All the pharmacy should need is all the physician's information (address, phone number, etc) and his or her DEA number for prescribing controlled substances. Beyond that, everything should be fine.

Thanks. That makes me feel a lot better. I knew that T was less "controlled" than my ADHD meds. With those, they can't be called in and I can't get the scrip filled out of state. Ooooooooooooh...my T is on the way. I can't wait jab myself with that needle. Aaaaaaaaaaagh!!!

[Guest Evan_J]

I don't know if you have a lot of rednecks where you live,

No, no rednecks, Arabs. Lots of em. Muslims everywhere. I thank God for the Armenians who are my neighbors lol

[Guest Jackson]

I have rednecks where I live. Heck, I'm even a little of a redneck.

You know you're redneck when you live a mile from a bar called The Boar's Nest with a General Lee on the roof. And you've ridden your horse down for a beer.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

No, no rednecks, Arabs. Lots of em. Muslims everywhere. I thank God for the Armenians who are my neighbors lol

Weird. I am pretty sure we have virtually no Arabs here. As far as I know, Armenians are pretty okay.

If I had to guess, my neighbors are probably mostly southern baptist. This means that they probably don't care for me much, but it also means that the worst they'll do is talk about me to the other neighbors. A while back the cop that lives across the street from me came over to "chat" with me and my roommate. We were working on his car. I think his wife thinks we are drug dealers or some other sort of miscreant. I am a miscreant, but not the harmful kind.

[Guest Evan_J]

I love the Armenians. Like I say, they make it doable. For anyone not aware though, homosexuality is a crime in some Arabic countries punishable by death. Wearing "cloth" created for another anatomical sex is a sin. Not exactly "cheerleaders" for the cause lol. But I haven't had problems gratefully. Just the gas station attendant quit speaking to me. And the town I live in wants to repeal the equal rights legislation implimented by the city. The politicians "assumed" the people would want equal rights for lgbt folks.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

I love the Armenians. Like I say, they make it doable. For anyone not aware though, homosexuality is a crime in some Arabic countries punishable by death. Wearing "cloth" created for another anatomical sex is a sin. Not exactly "cheerleaders" for the cause lol. But I haven't had problems gratefully. Just the gas station attendant quit speaking to me. And the town I live in wants to repeal the equal rights legislation implimented by the city. The politicians "assumed" the people would want equal rights for lgbt folks.

Oh yeah, I know how things are in some of those Muslim countries. One of my friends back home is from a place like that, but she doesn't seem to have a problem with me. No...not cheerleaders for the cause in any way, shape, or form.

Florida doesn't have any kind of legal protections for LGBT folks. I'll be glad when I can finally move out of the south. Maybe I'll get lucky and be able to land a job in California. If not there, then I guess I might end up in Atlanta.

[Guest Evan_J]

I have rednecks where I live. Heck, I'm even a little of a redneck.

You know you're redneck when you live a mile from a bar called The Boar's Nest with a General Lee on the roof. And you've ridden your horse down for a beer.

I was fine right up until you said you rode your horse down for a beer lol (I dig horses though)

And Stranded, both those locations are on the "places I've thought of" list. But I'm such a freakin baby about needin to be where my granma is.....

I can live on the other side of the state but I'm not sure about out of the state again.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

I was fine right up until you said you rode your horse down for a beer lol (I dig horses though)

And Stranded, both those locations are on the "places I've thought of" list. But I'm such a freakin baby about needin to be where my granma is.....

I can live on the other side of the state but I'm not sure about out of the state again.

Yeah, out of state is hard. Now I miss my granny... I need to send her a Halloween card. She just sent me one a few days ago.

[Guest raydub]

dude..i just read your blog about your parents...

theyre way more awesome than expected... that's friggin SWEET!

im SO happy for you dude...i mean yeah you have to deal with her "coming to terms" but your mom still reacted way... good?

lol.. i need to take english again or something.. maybe its the lack of sleep

Raymond

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

dude..i just read your blog about your parents...

theyre way more awesome than expected... that's friggin SWEET!

im SO happy for you dude...i mean yeah you have to deal with her "coming to terms" but your mom still reacted way... good?

lol.. i need to take english again or something.. maybe its the lack of sleep

Raymond

My mom reacted WAY more...better....than I thought. I need to take some English too.

According to my mom, she's still "processing" things. Everything seems okay so far though.

Now, as I look at my calendar, the chest surgery date is creeping up. I wonder how long I should wait to tell them about that...

[Guest Evan_J]

I wonder how long I should wait to tell them about that...

...I'm so glad I'm not you lol.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

...I'm so glad I'm not you lol.

At least that's one thing you never have to worry about. You'll never have to be me. Being me is a pain in the behind. Big time.

I've been working on this data analysis stuff for school/work. The research assistants messed it all up. Everything is disorganized and I can't find stuff that I need. Something that should have taken a day at most has wasted my entire week. No lie. The other grad student I work with and I have been trying to hide the state of things from our advisor all week. Big stress!

[Guest MarkG]

The other thing is that I don't think my mom realizes how much waiting for hormones hurts. I don't think anyone who isn't transgendered can really ever understand that.

Quoted for truth. People seem to think that waiting costs me nothing, and that I should care about them or any other little detail they can come up with. I've waited 20 plus years of what should have been my life. They have no idea how much it hurts and costs everything.

lol, so much of this thread sounds like me right now. I'm finally getting my letter and now T is all i can think about. I am sooo close now. And I'm glad to hear my mom isn't the only one who's supportive until something happens, and then she tries to hit the brakes. I won't let her though, nothing's getting in the way of my transitioning and living my life.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Quoted for truth. People seem to think that waiting costs me nothing, and that I should care about them or any other little detail they can come up with. I've waited 20 plus years of what should have been my life. They have no idea how much it hurts and costs everything.

lol, so much of this thread sounds like me right now. I'm finally getting my letter and now T is all i can think about. I am sooo close now. And I'm glad to hear my mom isn't the only one who's supportive until something happens, and then she tries to hit the brakes. I won't let her though, nothing's getting in the way of my transitioning and living my life.

You are so right! People don't understand what waiting costs us. Not only that, they don't know how long we've been "waiting". For me, I've been waiting for this for the past 18 years or so.

It sounds like we are at the same point in transition and facing some similar issues. Once you get the T in hand, you'll feel so relieved. I finally feel free to start living my life, even though I've only had the one shot.

My mom has since cooled out some and is starting to understand. I hope your mom does the same.

[Guest Evan_J]

You are so right! People don't understand what waiting costs us. Not only that, they don't know how long we've been "waiting". For me, I've been waiting for this for the past 18 years or so.

It sounds like we are at the same point in transition and facing some similar issues. Once you get the T in hand, you'll feel so relieved. I finally feel free to start living my life, even though I've only had the one shot.

My mom has since cooled out some and is starting to understand. I hope your mom does the same.

Its an epidemic (mothers)......Back when it was "talk" she was ms. liberal, then when she thought I was about to actually act she freaked, then when she found out that I actually was already on T she wavered and seemed to be working on it after a while until (this last week) my voice started "being different". Now she's hysterical all over again.

I don't care. I'm ignoring her. I am however paying attention to these hairs I noticed under my chin the other nite....lol

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Its an epidemic (mothers)......Back when it was "talk" she was ms. liberal, then when she thought I was about to actually act she freaked, then when she found out that I actually was already on T she wavered and seemed to be working on it after a while until (this last week) my voice started "being different". Now she's hysterical all over again.

I don't care. I'm ignoring her. I am however paying attention to these hairs I noticed under my chin the other nite....lol

My mom is probably going to freak out when my voice drops too. Since I came out to her, she's only texted and emailed me. If she doesn't hurry up and call, my voice might really be different before she talks to me again.

With my mom, I'm just not going to reinforce her for being weird. I'm going to act normal and set a good example.

Still, I feel bad for my mom. She's had all kinds of crap going on. I'm not going to write it all out here because I wrote it on my livejournal already, but my brother landed himself in the emergency room yesterday. He got in a fight with his girlfriend, then he decided to take painkillers and drink everclear. At some point after that, he got angry, punched a mirror, and got cut up....thus the emergency room visit.

My poor mom probably feels like a bad parent because of both me and my brother. The things is, I'm NORMAL. I'm in school. I pay my bills. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just a little genderfabulous, that's it. My brother has a drug problem. She should stop worrying about me and focus on him and getting him better.

Blah, blah, blah...I ramble and digress. Short attention span.