The conundrum of being LDS and being true to yourself.

[Guest (Lightsider)]

Hopefully those who read this are ones who can benefit from it. Been there...went through it and suffered the pain from it. And admittedly the pain is still there but I have learned to cope with it.

For the young trans the focus is set on school then mission, come home honorably get married have children. The church really pushes this big time as the pattern all young should follow with few exceptions.

For women it is to go to school and use that time wisely to prepare to meet their eternal mate who has preferably returned from a mission. Some young women choose to go on a mission but they are not allowed to go until a later age. I think that is 21 years old.

Then the next big push is to have children immediately.

From the time the child born this is pushed in one form or another through teachings at church or home or through certain church music. The programming begins very early in life. If you have other feelings that your gender does not match your body you then go through isolation and repetitive denials of your true nature. If you are brave enough to tell others in the church your true nature you will most likely be told that what you are struggling with is a moral issue and be referred to a church councilor and asked to read scriptures in order to gain strength to over come these desires.

Then the torture really begins because a tug of war ensues with in that person that can cause not only denial of who they by suppressing their true nature but anger can grow. That anger can then be aimed at the trans community some times. I admit I aimed mine toward some community members some years back and it was part of my denial and justification for going against my nature.

I failed...i failed to go on my mission. I failed, to marry the right people, i failed to gain entrance into the celestial kingdom, I failed to be a good priesthood holder, I failed to form proper friendships and hold together those friendships and the list goes on of failures I can put down. I hurt people along the way, and people hurt me along the way.

Now I often imagine what would have my life been like had my mother been accepting and accepted me as was when I was young. She knew as early as 5 that I was truly female but religious fears drove her to push me down the same path of fear she walked.

I could have been one of the youngest to have the corrective surgery and moved on with my life in a more healthy positive way...but that was not to be.

So I make due with my life as is and look toward things I have not failed at. I found myself and i am still discovering new things about my self I was never allowed to find before. I was never allowed to wonder if there was a God, it just was an accepted thing. So I am discovering for myself it there is a God and for now I am not sure there is one. I do believe that this is not the end and that something more will happen. Take a look around the cosmos, stars die and get recycled and new worlds are born all the time. This world will one day be recycled and the elements that are us will be returned to the cosmos to create something new. For some that might seem like I am saying there is no God. I am saying I do not know if there is a God but I do know their is a natural cycle to life and what we do here on this earth or any earth should not be fueled by fear. Religion while it has done much good has also at times done more damage than good.

The good you do, the tithe you pay, the poor you help, the people you reach out to that are in pain should not be something you do to put treasures up in heaven, but should just come from your heart to be a decent human being. It does not matter if you are trans or not. If you truly believe in a God and want to return to him, ask yourself what he rather see for you? A happy, content person at peace with them selves or a tortured confused soul?

Some times people who suffer this conundrum end up taking their own lives...I know I have come seriously close myself.

Those around you who want you to fight this "Evil" condition are blind and selfish to demand that a person live in a suffering state. Since my transition I returned to my art, my art is more colorful, bolder, bigger, and I know I am leaving behind something special for others to enjoy. Before, any art work I did was dark and small and filled with pain.

I hope what I have written makes sense to some one. You do not need a place of worship that does not accept you in order for you to find your own path to God. And if you are being pressured to see an LDS councilor avoid it all costs. Go see a gender therapist.

[Cyndee]

Been there...went through it and suffered the pain from it. And admittedly the pain is still there but I have learned to cope with it.

I failed...i failed to go on my mission. I failed, to marry the right people, i failed to gain entrance into the celestial kingdom, I failed to be a good priesthood holder, I failed to form proper friendships and hold together those friendships and the list goes on of failures I can put down.

You do not need a place of worship that does not accept you in order for you to find your own path to God.

Just chiming in here briefly, I know you want to reach those questioning, I am past that phase myself.

Been there, done that, and I endured not fitting in with their programs, but I also benefitted in some ways by participating. I do not regret my youth, it's just the way it was, I did not have many choices back then. When it got to be too much I recall my escape valve was to just leave the church grounds and wait until the function was over to get a ride home. I just had to escape this at times, it was mental prison in many ways.

Your message about failing to live up to church expectations is sure true and is really sad. There are many expectations set upon participating, you were constantly compared against others, guilt was a powerful weapon of coercion they used if you did not measure up to some standard. Glad I never came forward to discuss any these issues with church people, what a path of pain. I was battling my trans back then, and I was a very confused teenager secretly cross dressing whenever I could "get away with it", I did not know what was driving me to do this back then, I thought I was a bad person because of this, terrible feelings of guilt I experienced most likely due in part to the programming I received from the church growing up. There was no Internet back then, no support, nothing, I had to sort it out on my own. Back then I recall being called into the bishop's office and he asked me about self gratifying and went on to tell me how evil it was, that was really weird and awkward coming from this man. I just wanted to leave his office, but I had to sit through this, I felt trapped.

And yes you can be close to God without participating in these rituals, as I have said before sprituality is a personal experience for me, I don't need others to tell me what to think, or what to do with my body, soul, and time, these are my gifts.

Cindy -

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Great posts, Lightsider and Cindy!

"And yes you can be close to God without participating in these rituals, as I have said before sprituality is a personal experience for me, I don't need others to tell me what to think, or what to do with my body, soul, and time, these are my gifts." -Cindy

Love that quote, Cindy!

In Gratitude,

Brad

[Guest Szenzie]

Great posts indeed!!! I've made an ally in the LGBT community here who is a very successful older gay male in his 50s. He fought through the whole LDS process eventually making it very high up in the church. He was always open about his homosexuality with the church but he was continuously told that god would cure him on the next step... if it was his mission... marriage... children... eventually none helped and he faced a very difficult decision and found it necessary to start a new life that was true to his soul. He's an amazing man, provides for his family and ex and is even a staunch ally of transgender people. He even fought successfully to add TS surgery to his company's insurance. As far as being close to God, I haven't met many people who are even nearly as close as he is.

You can't cure homosexuality or being transgender. To tell someone what GOD will do for them is the highest form of spiritual arrogance. If God actually does intervene on Earth, then I'm pretty sure GOD is concerned about starving children and war, rather than normal, naturally occurring exceptional expressions of sexuality and gender.

[JenniferB]

After meditating on why the church acts the way the way they do with Transgender people, I believe the most likely scenario is that their policies are based on fear more than ignorance. I find it hard to believe that the general authorities don't know that being transgender is real. I think it has more to do with fear, and how transgender people could cause contention in the church. Gender roles and families are one of their core beliefs. Trans people will likely cause confusion because they don't fit neatly into the gender roles the church teaches. I don't think they know what to do with us, so they fall back on what they do know, and that is the status quo. We become expendable for the greater good of the church.

I don't have anything against the church and think they do a lot of good and help many people grow. However I have broken my attachment to them, and if it means I will get excommunicated that's ok. I'm not going to base any decision I make on fear and must have free will to choose for myself. I will go where I am led. My goal is to find a place to worship where I feel I belong, and a place I can call my spiritual home. I won't stop asking, seeking, and knocking until I find this place, and if at the end I find I belong in the LDS church after all, so be it.

I intend to be very patient and won't allow any initial excitement have any sway. Being trans and going through transition has been a blessing in the sense that it has taught me patience and given me experience in how to face my own fears.

With determination,

Jenny