Avoiding Workplace Convo

[Guest RainingOnTheSky]

Hey all!

So, question is, how much success would one have just completely avoiding coming out in the workplace until the absolute end of their transition?

While I have recently started HRT, I am not ready to pursue a legal name change or correct my gender marker. As such, I don't really feel any need to bring the topic up to the HR department. I also still regularly receive positive reviews and feedback in regards to my work - a technical professional and somewhat of a team leader of an interdisciplinary group.

My only fear is that even now, I catch second glances and have received the occasional “miss” and “ma’am” while in casual boy mode.

Is there any hope of deflecting upcoming questions about my outward appearance until my RLT is imminent? I am hoping that the further along I get in transition, while all the way still proving my work skills and ethic, the less of a shock or sting it will be to them when I finally do come out.

Thanks everyone!

Brenna

[JJ]

It has been my experience here that this is a highly individual thing-some people are so acutely uncomfortable working in male mode they just can't go on with it while others didn't come out till they were really past the point of "male fail" and getting flat out questioned. Much of your decision I think is best governed by what you are most comfortable with and can best stand.

Because I'm retired and haven't faced ti-not to mention going the other way - I'll let others advise you about how best to deflect those questions and delay that "male fail" point

Johnny

[Paula ult]

Most people who see you on a daily basis may not notice the changes for quite awhile, after some time, say six months or so they may see you have lost weight or are growing your hair, got your ears pierced etc, they may not put two and two together and may not say anything, people that have not seen you in many months will more than likely notice the changes, i telecommuted to work from home and told my HR department early on so they would be prepared when i went full time, my manager and others in my work group were worried that i was sick or dying because of all my doctor visits,(therapist), they were relieved when i told them, my bowling leagues i could not hide, i would get asked if i got a haircut, lost weight or got a new shirt, people noticed something different but did not know what it was, i could have continued for a longer period of time but i wanted to get on with my transition and go full time, plus living two lives gets tough after awhile.

Paula

[Guest Ney'ite]

...

plus living two lives gets tough after awhile.

...

This part I think can be the most challenging and tiring after a while. The longer I was on HRT, the more hearing wrong pronouns and my birth name really grated on me. And if, but more so when, that happens, animosity can set in and that is NOT a good bedfellow to get cozy with as it just eats away at you.

[Guest RainingOnTheSky]

Thank you for the well thought out opinions! Again, I know this is somewhat individual, but is there any advantage to controlling the release of that information (if only initially), rather than letting everyone come to that conclusion on their own, however long that may take?

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I was in male mode (at work only) for two years. I told them (1) I lost a lot of weight.(facial changes and thinning down) (2) that I was going back to my Native American roots (long hair and no beard, turquoise necklaces and beads - I am 1/4 Native American anyway). I suspect they assumed I was a married gay male.

Some people stay male mode years past SRS because it is better for their careers.

Lizzy..

[Guest Edu]

This is purely subjective, so take it as what it is: just one more opinion/approach to the topic:

My workmates have seen me growing my hair (which doesn't draw too much attention when wearing heavy metal t-shirts everyday ); they have seen my face switch from "shave when I can't no longer eat without chewing some facial hair" to everyday shaved, and they may have noticed some sporadic, minimalistic make-up. They have seen me switching from black or brown hair ties to vivid colors with a strong preference for pink (I also like all other colors, but I'm deliberately trying to give out some clues). They will definitely see my hairless legs once the improving weather becomes slightly reliable and I begin wearing short pants again. I don't know if they'll notice when I pierce my ears, but they'll eventually see me wearing some earrings. And so on (I can't say for sure in which order each future change will be coming).

I'm consciously trying to display some subtle change every few weeks at most. Nothing drastic yet; I'm trying to make this as gradual and smooth as possible. The goal is that, by the time I "officially" come out, nobody would be surprised. As an additional note, I have the luck of working at a place where everybody is rather open-minded. In fact, I once overheard my boss, speaking on the phone about a new employee on another of the businesses he owns, saying literally "I don't care if he seems to be gay, I just care if he does his job well". That sample of his viewpoints, plus the fact that I don't deal with customers (except some sporadic electronic communications) makes me confident that transitioning won't be an issue on that office. In fact, by "levelling the ground" far ahead, I'm sort of making them a favor, making it easier for everybody to adapt when I drop the "T-bomb".

I'm confident this approach will work on my environment, but I can't predict if it would be a good idea anywhere else.

Hugs,

Ethain