I haven't gone out as myself for a while

[Guest Krisina]

I am not sure how it is for others but I will talk a little about my experience.

When I started along in my journey seeing a GT and getting laser and building up the confidence to go out I was getting better. I was getting better over the last year. I was doing my makeup right, I was doing better going out to the support group meetings and had gone out shopping, the theater, movies, dinner etc.

What has happened. I rarely go out. I went to a support group meeting a few weeks ago and even out for dinner too. I don't want to go out. I feel the same inside. I feel different then other women straight or lesbian. I feel different than guys straight or gay. I feel different. I haven't been going out dressed up and now my doubts and fears of going out are creeping in. I wonder if I dress up if people will see a woman or a man dressed as a woman. I don't want to go out anymore. Now, I just want to stay at home. I want to be normal but I'm not.

Krisina

[Guest KarenLyn]

Oh Krisina! Try not to be down on yourself. And don't let your life be about what other people think. We don't get many chances at happiness. Don't let one slip away. Be proud of what you've accomplished and keep trying to move forward.

Hugs,

Karen

[Guest Krisina]

I am happy about what I have accomplished. I don't want to leave the confines of my house most of the time on my days off. I had watched the documentary a while ago "I'm Not Les: A Transgender Story" (It's on YouTube uploaded by KCTS9 a PBS channel). It made me think how if I make some changes I will become an outcast. The changes to my body will never be enough and I will be unhappy. My spouse likes the 'm" me. She is stressed and says she is close to losing it sometimes and on the verge of breaking down and crying at work and trying to hold it all in. She needs to go in for some therapy for all of this, She doesn't know what is going to happen. It is hard thinking about all these things, taking it in. It is hard for both of us. I want to hit the pause button.

Krisina

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Hi Krisina,

I am sorry you are feeling like you are in a bit of a "funk?"

I was thinking about this the other day. I was wondering if some people get heavily into starting their transitions and then, sometimes, just feel like giving it all a "break?" People may do so for various reasons, of course. I am not sure of exactly what is going on with you, personally; yet, in thinking about this, it made sense to me that some people would take time out somewhere along the path?

You are incredibly sweet! Truly! I hope you know this! Amazingly kind, warm and welcoming to all.

Lately, I had sensed you are feeling a bit down. I am glad you are back around here more, as I miss you when you are away, you add a great deal to every thread you touch, and.... even more importantly, I think this is an important thread for you right now.

Yes, our transitions have an effect upon our spouses. Our spouses are important to us!

The movie has also made you think more about what you may want or not want to do.

This is all good! I mean, it's better it come up now and not later. You still have time to consider, and reconsider, what you really want for your own life! It's vitally important these decisions are made with clarity, while being fully... truly fully... conscious of the potential ramifications for each of our lives!

I know I move forward and then feel a sense of not being sure of myself... try to go backward...and can't. Stand there, look around and... and then take another step forward...or maybe two steps forward and then scare myself again...and eventually start questioning myself again. It's all a process. I am thankful it is a process, because the fact that we cannot accomplish it all, in one feel swoop, gives us opportunities to consider and to reconsider! If we continue down the path, while continuing to consider all that comes up for us, then we are walking on the path of our truth. Sometimes, we need to sit the bench at some point on the path! Other times, people may feel like they need to get off of the path completely, for awhile or for good!

Everyone's path of truth may be a bit different. It's important you find yours! Yours may never look just like someone else's path, yet it is yours and is what you need to do in order to be happy!

I hope your wife is able to access the therapy she hopes she will find helpful!

I also hope you can access any method of support you find helpful!

I hope you will keep sharing here, according to your own comfort level.

We are here for you!

Gentle Hugs!

My best to you and ot your wife!

Brad

Give yourself time to discern what you truly want, time to consider all of the potential ramifications for you and for your wife.

Take the time now, while you can, to be as sure as you can be... about how you are happiest in life!

You are more seasoned at all of this than am I. Yet, I wonder if you see your therapist, and if not, if doing so might be helpful?

[Guest KarenLyn]

So hit the pause button! Slow down, it's not like you're on a schedule. I don't believe I know anyone who likes to be trans. Normal would be wonderful. It's just not our lot in life. I also don't know anyone who became a complete outcast. Our lives aren't simple but I think you might be able to find a balance where you progress as you and your wife are both comfortable.

Best wishes to both of you,

Karen

[JJ]

Krisina-When you go out you will be a woman going out as a woman. That is what really matters. Most people won't see anything else or bother to react if they suspect. Think of the probably hundreds of posts you have read about positive experiences going out. And how many have felt the same fear you do but did it anyway with very good results.

You aren't wanting to do anything wrong or freaky. You aren't thinking about being a Drag Queen or anything like that. You just want to walk the world as yourself the same way millions of other people do. In time you will find that you share many, many feelings with other women. more than those that separate you by far. Your brain dictates that. You feel different and awkward now but it will pass.

It was not so long ago I wondered how everybody I met or saw was seeing me. What they thought and if they would say anything. Now I sometimes wonder what the people who know that I am trans are thinking but that's all. Well I guess I do wonder what kind of guy I seem to them. Where they slot me but not if the see me as a guy or weird. So much so that it stopped me in my tracks and my mouth fell open when that guy said Mam in the store the other day till I realized he had glanced and not looked and as soon as he did he turned himself inside out apologizing and explaining how tired he was. Without any reaction from me at all.

But the only way to get there-to learn what works and doesn't and to be comfortable is to do it. It's like a Rite of Passage. Something that has to be gone through. Never as bad as we fear and the euphoria when it works and we are free to live comfortably as ourselves is indescribable. Sweeter than words can convey.

Every person on earth is unique and feels different inside in some way. We are all different inside despite the condition our bodies and brains were in when we were born.

You can do this! I know that you can. Fear is such a scary thing in and of itself-and yet fear can only hurt you if you let it stop you from doing what you need to do in life.

I have said over and over-and it is true of most of the people my age I have known-I regret little of what I did in my life but I bitterly regret much that I failed to do

And normal? Actually I have met a few people who seemed perfectly normal in my life and they were boring and narrow minded and just horrible to know. No spice, no fire and no reason to even talk to them. I promise if there is such a thing as normal -which I doubt-you really don't want to be one. Be Krisina. There is one only and she is a good, kind, loving woman. The world needs all of those it can get

Go for it girl!

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest Shari]

Hi Krisina,

I've gone through this also, not wanting to leave the house. It really weighed heavily on me until I decided to give myself a pass. What I mean is that we are under so much pressure that I decided I was not going to put pressure on myself to go out, or stay in, or whatever. I decided that my life would unfold and I would progress at whatever pace was comfortable. Essentially, if it feels right I do it. This attitude has gotten me through the down-time and now I'm back on track.

You're a special person and whatever you do will be right. Take it easy on yourself for awhile.

Hugs,

Shari

[MackenzieB]

...I don't believe I know anyone who likes to be trans. Normal would be wonderful. It's just not our lot in life...

Best wishes to both of you,

Karen

I can agree to that. I spent years in denial. Once I finally did accept it, it was only a pain in the backside. Now, I think that I'm actually having fun with it. I'm happy and content. But it was a long hard road to get here.

Kenzie

[Carolyn Marie]

Krisina, I cannot disagree with any of the sentiments expressed here or any of the opinions.

Our journeys are very rarely straight line affairs. Do as much as you can, when you can. Seek therapy for both you and your spouse if you need to, and keep her needs firmly in your sights. You are still a relatively young woman. You have the time to do this right.

I understand what you're going through, especially with your wife. it's very, very hard, and there are no guarantees. You have to weigh all of it and see whether you can balance those scales. I hope you both find the way.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie