"drag Mothers/fathers" ???

[Guest Keane]

I read about having a "drag mother" or "drag father" in this book called Transparent. Basically the drag parent is someone older who has already transitioned and they're there to give you tips and trick and to guide you through transition. Anyone else heard of this or do you have one yourself?

[Guest Evan_J]

I've never heard of that term. (And actually I would be worried about someone trans who said they were in "drag"). BUT it is not unusual in many different parts of the lgbt world (trans peeps are no different) for people to have "chosen" families as opposed to "birth" ones including all of the titles; mother, father, sister, brother, uncle, aunt. You may find it more readily in certain subgroups (lesbans in prison), ethnic divisions (african americans I know -being one- tend to do it heavily), or geographic locations (don't even get me started on the NY ballroom scene where they even agree on shared last names for their "families"). But its possible/ available to anyone anywhere who wanted their own chosen family and certainly all the members could be mtf or ftm. Usually, "family ties" occur when the chemestry "feels" more familial (depending on each other, asking for advice, wanting support, confiding to an extent)than anything else. You'll know when its there.

Me? No, right now I'm a orphan lol though once I had a nephew (<--and yeah, I was concerned when he "poof"-ed)

[Guest J-Walker]

I read that book and yes, I have seen this in my everyday life. One of my friends is a drag queen and member of the House of Chanel, one of the top drag houses on the East Coast. He's recently dropped his female persona in order to maintain his own life better, but there are such drag houses out there. You can learn more about these houses by looking up articles on Ball Culture.

As for transsexual houses or families, I've never encountered them myself. Trans are allowed to join drag houses, but in terms of looking for a mother like as seen in the book Transparent, I believe these to be in more impoverished areas. I've always wanted to become a father myself, but I'm still really young. XD

[Guest Jack Solomon]

I agree with what Evan has said. From what I understand a drag mother/father is a person who takes people in the drag events/communities under their wing, or is the head of a drag house/family.

As for transsexuals, occasionally you have houses or families of transpeople (usually transwomen), but I've mostly heard of these style houses in impoverished areas like J Walker was saying--kind of like safe/boarding houses for women. Outside of the house thing, it is common to hear of honorary trans dad/moms who 'adopt' someone who is new to transitioning. I think this is what you mean. I'm pretty sure a few guys on here have older brothers/honorary dads helping them with advice and stuff. One of the recent MSNBC (?) specials I've seen on ftms had a transguy in his forties actually legally adopt his honorary son and he also fell for the kid's mother. This family was also on the Tyra show, the older transguy started out as a mentor to the boy but they became a legal family. Nice story.

Solomon

[Guest Evan_J]

As for transsexual houses or families, I've never encountered them myself. Trans are allowed to join drag houses, but in terms of looking for a mother like as seen in the book Transparent, I believe these to be in more impoverished areas. I've always wanted to become a father myself, but I'm still really young. XD

And then the next logical question would be "why?"

Certainly more affluent individuals might have equally as much need for guidance, advice, and support.

Its a supposition and I'm not offering any empirical data but I think its that :

a) past a certain economic level you find that the inhabitants encourage/value individual execution of goals and tasks moreso than group achievements or feeling that their circumstance is occuring "within the group" as opposed to just them personally.

B ) For whatever reasons (and there are several), more affluent biological familys are less likely to participate in close extended kinship. Very often its common for them to have never met family members A, B, and C or only see them yearly or even every several years. Since that is the biological background, they are less likely to feel the need for it outside of that context as well.

c) Often the parents in affluent nuclear families teach/stress to their children the concept of "separating" from them and relegating them to yearly visits and holidays at the point of adulthood. The intent seems to be that by keeping the number of parties in a given "family" small there will be less need for the given resources to stretch farther.

d) True or false, the affluent classes seem to be inclined to be less expressive emotionally. A value is set on being "in control of oneself" to the point that heightened familial expressions of affection, loyalty, and kinship (or "sameness") can be tagged "overboard", "extreme", "unnecessary", or "odd". Family members seem to feel more "awkward" at the idea of being intimate within a family and the term intimacy itself is almost exclusive to sex or sexual relationships.

Less affluent people (and some of these increase the less resources there are)

a) are more inclined to need to place goals, tasks, and achievements in the context of the group. Because the resources are less many wants, aspirations, and endeavors directly affect the group and so it is rarely feasible for a person to think that their circumstance affects "just them".

b ) The less affluent a given family is the farther its extended ties seem to stretch.

Thats due to the obvious logic of "the more resources pooled, the bigger the pot we have to work with". Individuals with this as a part of their biological background seem likely to find it not only "normal" but almost integral to have "more" family members. If for no other reason than its has become normalized to have a more immediate link with aunts and cousins if for no other reason than it multiplies the number of people available to call upon in a moment of need or of distress.

c) Parents in less affluent families almost never tell their children to separate from them to the point of frequent or irregular contact. It is almost expected that their "place within the family" will remain exactly the same throughout a lifetime just from another house thereby expanding the physical area covered by the family as a whole and adding to its resources. This is often viewed as "over involvement" by people who have never lived in this type of family structure.

d) Because of longterm physical proximities, interdependence of resources with extended kin, expectation of infinate contact, it is highly unlikely to find "restraint of emotional expression" in this type of configuration. Most of the members find it "unneeded". There is no distance/separation and so members "see" many things about each other -economic state, marital state, achievements, failures, sexual conquests, personality, flaws, heartaches- so interaction with each other is less standoffish.

Persons born into either typically(though not always) find comfort in their adult life when the dynamic of their biological family is carried over. In the event that someone from the second group is exhiled from that family they are more likely (not exclusive) to look for a "family to belong to" than the first.

And Jack, I love a good family story

[Guest Keane]

I've never heard of that term. (And actually I would be worried about someone trans who said they were in "drag").

They didn't say they were actually just in drag in the book, it's just a term, I guess.

I really want a drag father now XD

[Guest Chrissie]

They didn't say they were actually just in drag in the book, it's just a term, I guess.

I really want a drag father now XD

Whatever you call the people ... Mentors, drag parents, transparents... we all have them and sometimes we have several in our collected circles. Ive had about four individuals that have helped me along my path... and are willing to help me further.

Most of the Moderators and supervisors here to some degree fit those roles... especially the ones that we get closest to. I know I've filled the role for at least 6-8 individuals since I came to laura's because they thought I knew what I was talking about but in most of those cases I've been passing on what I was told by my mentors... and adding a bit of my experience.

Still baffles me that people thought I know what Im talking about....

Until they see me for the fruitcake I am ...I'll keep doing what I do best ....BULLSHITTING them.

[Guest Evan_J]

lol You are bad Chrissie, but I know what you mean. I learn along the way too.

Oh, and by the way Keane, part of the beauty of chosen families is it isn't like you have to wait for the "parent" to do the adopting.

[Guest Chrissie]

lol You are bad Chrissie, but I know what you mean. I learn along the way too.

Oh, and by the way Keane, part of the beauty of chosen families is it isn't like you have to wait for the "parent" to do the adopting.

Those that are members of chosen families... even ones as extended and diverse as the Playground. Probably have adopted you along the way long before you realize they have. Thats why alot of us call each other by familial terms ...

Its strange that so many of us who probably only have one common link in common, being trans, and nothing else cling so tightly to each other. Strange but understandable...

The best part about Chosen Families however... is you rarely have to worry about them accepting you. But then you can't really mooch money or other things from them like your birth family either

To the largest extended Chosen Family I know of (holding up a glass of wine... in toast)

[Guest Evan_J]

To the largest extended Chosen Family I know of (holding up a glass of wine... in toast)

I'll join ya in that one (symbolically any how). And wadda ya mean we can't mooch? -Drat....I was looking forward to borrowing some of those cables that Petra Jane mentioned....lol ignore me.