Perceptions & Self Image

[JJ]

The last day or so has been a big wake up call for me. I know well that our self image and those images we hold inside and measure ourselves against can color our perceptions. I thought I had a handle on it.

I was wrong. My daughter has been fussing increasingly about my weight and I felt conflicted so I did a thread here. And with the replies and my gut reaction to them I began to realize I might actually have been seeing myself in an unrealistic and unreasonable way. The same way I see the ghost of the woman I was seeing every line as being a curve and measuring myself against a standard I didn't even realize I held.

I asked if I should lose another 10 lbs. In view of what I have seen at last that question showed just how off my perceptions have been.

I think at some point I really unconsciously was striving to get back the young boy I lost all those decades ago. I was 5' 5" and weighed 85 lbs. Not good in an adult-in fact it wasn't even good in a preteen. But I fooled myself.

The last day or so I looked again at the video that made me realize my body could look male and how I wanted to look because the guy had exactly the same body proportions and build as I once had except for the waist and chest. Arm & thigh length and shoulder breadth, hand shape and size were all the same. In my mind I had been nowhere there yet. But when I really looked at that video yesterday I was shocked to see I am actually less curvy and thinner now than he was. Then I took some pics of myself. One in bright sunlight instead of under the trees or a cloudy sky was a real shock. I can't believe I didn't see this before. That I let my perceptions so color what I was seeing.

Then last night my daughter commented how much muscle I have begun to lose. Oophs-checked in the bathroom mirror with the light in front instead of behind me. Not so good. She is right

I think this is a trap we all fall into so easily if we are not careful. It's like the pics of a beautiful young woman we often get with the poster bewailing how male they look. Our perceptions can so completely color what we see. Can distort reality for us.

I am thankful that my daughter started this and that so many people chimed in to help me see reality. Each of us needs to do a periodic reality check I think. Ask those around you how you really look-and listen. Take the blinders off and examine the reality.

This is not an easy thing for me to accept and I am still coming to terms with the need to now regain. I know rationally that if I could afford to have the skin removal surgery tomorrow I would weigh close to 100 lbs afterward-and I know that is not healthy. That what I really see in the mirror and this pic are unacceptable and undeniable. But some part of me still wants to deny it.

We have to fight so hard to see reality past the dream and hopes and expectations don't we? Nobody ever said being trans was easy.

But it can be ironic This just doesn't look good on anyone

PS This is the last pic of me for awhile-except the avatar changes-but I thought it was needed to show just how much your perceptions can affect your reality. I really thought till yesterday I was still too fat. My face really is this thin. Didn't mention that I didn't shave yesterday either but that's why my chin looks funny.

Johnny

[Guest Ney'ite]

You are such an amazing person, Johnny. I truly mean that from the depths of my heart. You are so so honest with your posts, and with sharing with yourself. For me, you are someone I respect highly and look up to as a role model. I just want to give you a real hug!

Sadly, I, too, know how this vicious circle can become a trap. I am forever complaining about my weight and wanting to lose more. I fight so hard to lose one pound, and then the next morning, there it is again. It never seems to end. I silently compare myself to other trans women I feel are beautiful, considering myself an ugly duckling. And the ironic thing is, this is exactly the very thing we all encourage others to do: love ourselves first. Something that is much easier to encourage someone else to do, but much more difficult in personal practice.

Member Talon has a very apropos signature where he says: "They don't call it a hero's journey for nothing "

Anyway, thank you Johnny for sharing your personal story with everyone, as I know we all have our own struggles and need each other now and then for support of one kind or another. No one is an island.

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Hi Johnny!

You have incredible insights! We all benefit as you share them with us.

I continue to envision a future best seller, at least one, very likely more -- and you are the author!

I am glad you have been able to more clearly see your physical body and know you will take healthy steps to accomplish your goals.

Get your body to where you feel most comfortable and then... we'll measure you for a suit?

I am so very glad our paths have crossed!

With Love and Gratitude,

Brad

[Guest Jenny C]

You're not just ok, you're an incredible person and Soul and you look great !!!

Mega tons of Love and Light to you my friend !

Jenny

[Guest Krisina]

Re evaluation, reality checks are a good idea. Feedback from others too. Our perceptions of ourselves can get skewed sometimes.

You look good and definitely not fat.

From what you have said it sound like you are underweight at the moment when you take into account extra skin and upper body too.

It's all a learning process. One of the important things is your health. The other is being happy.

Krisina