2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th thoughts.

[Guest Amberley_Vail]

So... Ive fallen off the wagon.

Ive moved into my new flat, so I dont have to fear discovery by the parentals, but I now find my enthusiasm (For want of a better word) to transition severly waning.

I dont know if this is because Im so disheartened by the length of time it takes in the UK to even get an initial consultation or the length of time is giving me the chance to have 2nd, 3rd and 4 th thoughts...

Im looking at it this way:

*Ive felt like this for ages, with the feeling coming and going.

*This time round the feeling has been strong enough to come out to 3 people and a doctor

*Ive come within a hair of joining the LGBT society at work

but right now I just dont feel like my female self.

If stress is food, Ive succeeded in turning my life into porridge.

[Guest Shari]

Hi Amberley,

I think everyone has ups and downs about how they feel. Don't worry too much about it, take things a day at a time, and remember when the time is right to go forward, or not, you will know it. Until then, enjoy your new flat.

Hugs,

Shari

[Charlize]

Amberly, Glad you've got your own world and understand the fear that goes with it. Any change is hard. Staying in bed with the covers up is so comfortable and easy. At least in my life i've found that if i get up and move i forget the fear and bad feelings.

I know that even if i become the woman that is within me i will have to allow myself to be content. I've got to accept the time it takes and what i get in the end. i understand your changes of mood. I've been coming out to many in my life and my feelings about this are all around the place. Everywhere from elation to depression. What a ride. I have to let go and keep moving. Hope that helps.

Yours,

Charlie

[Guest ShaunaMichelle]

Amberley,

Having those thoughts I believe is quite normal. I myself second guessed my transition, the existence of GID, etc several times. There would be times that I believed my transition could not wait another second, and there would also be times that I questioned if in fact I was trans. The truth of the matter is I am trans, and I would occasionally want to revert to the decades I spent in denial because life seemed easier then. These ups and downs happen to the best of us. It is an excellent discussion to have with a gender therapist.

I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to have to wait for treatment the way that you do. Try to stay positive and know that your time will come and you will be able to be the woman you truly are both inside and out.

Hugs

Shauna

[Guest Amberley_Vail]

Ive read posts and blogs from other trans girls saying how they've had purges before, and thrown out all their female clothes and gone back to denying their feelings.

I feel like doing that but I cant bring myself to throw away my clothes, despite the fact that I dont wear them any more. I cant bring myself to take my ear piercings out, despite the fact that they do make me look more feminine. I cant bring myself to cut my hair.

But Ive stopped removing my body and facial hair. The friends that Im out to are under the impression that Im permenantly repressing my feelings. Ive stopped talking to the LGBT rep at work. I cant bring myself to call the general therapist to talk about this stress - soup that my life is.

I bounce back and forth between all these points trying to make sense of them and failing. I read stories in the news, and from one of the youtube channels I follow about girls that have successfully undergone SRS and I feel a little jealous, although Ive stopped feeling the burning jealousy i used to feel for all women...

I just dont know any more.

[Charlize]

You are not alone in those feelings. I am often not sure about anything and i'm growing more certain that i will have to accept that.

I've put these things under wrap all my life and i'm not young anymore. How many purges? can't begin to keep track. I think its great that you are reaching out. Often we can't do this by ourselves. I often use the serenity prayer and try to give it to a higher power. Takes it off of me

[Guest KarenLyn]

There's nothing that says you have to continue any farther than you've gone. You may just need to relax and stay where you're at for a while. If what you want changes, go with it. The entire journey is all about self acceptance more than what other people think.

Karen

[Guest Erica Kaylee]

Ive read posts and blogs from other trans girls saying how they've had purges before, and thrown out all their female clothes and gone back to denying their feelings.

I feel like doing that but I cant bring myself to throw away my clothes, despite the fact that I dont wear them any more. I cant bring myself to take my ear piercings out, despite the fact that they do make me look more feminine. I cant bring myself to cut my hair.

But Ive stopped removing my body and facial hair. The friends that Im out to are under the impression that Im permenantly repressing my feelings. Ive stopped talking to the LGBT rep at work. I cant bring myself to call the general therapist to talk about this stress - soup that my life is.

I bounce back and forth between all these points trying to make sense of them and failing. I read stories in the news, and from one of the youtube channels I follow about girls that have successfully undergone SRS and I feel a little jealous, although Ive stopped feeling the burning jealousy i used to feel for all women...

I just dont know any more.

You may not feel female atm, but you sound exactly the same way I did when I used to get excessively depressed over the difficulties involved in obtaining HRT, and also being accepted in society as a woman. I live in Canada, but in a Ontario town where I didn't have access to any of the help I needed, not even a gender therapist. This lasted for five long years, which I spent mostly in complete isolation. I had moved away from the big city - Toronto, which had everything I needed, but couldn't get back for various reasons.

I often would throw out my clothes, and occasionally even consider cutting my hair, not because I felt like a male, but because I felt too masculine inside and out to accept myself as a woman, and was utterly hopeless. However, this was a self mis-perception generated by my depression, in an attempt to further punish myself because I felt at the time I deserved only suffering.

If any if this sounds similar (I'm not saying it is though), I would urge you to talk to anyone you can have such a conversation with regarding your current feelings, Therapist or otherwise. And please do not punish yourself for who you are by attempting to destroy (clothes) or repress yourself. Your true self will get stronger over time, and these battles will become easier.

Hope it gets better for you, Amberley.

[Guest Amberley_Vail]

And now Ive come full circle.

Work is having a fancy dress day tomorrow, and one of my team who has me on facebook, mentioned my Revy crossplay. She suggested I re-do it... so I agreed... almost. Tomorrow Ill be going to work dressed as Lara Croft. A costume, yes, but It means Ill openly be wearing makeup and girls clothing. what started as a bit of fun for charity has led to all my feelings flooding back.

Brain! WHY YOU NO NORMAL!?!?!