Relationship advice?

[Guest Alder]

Hey wonderful people!

I have a few troubles, and since really as a whole this is the only place I can seek advice from a large group without my SO seeing I thought I would ask here...

The problem is pretty simple, I no longer feel like the relationship I am in has any benefit to me and in fact is causing me to start becoming bitter towards my once good friend and main support. So I've decided I need to end our relationship at the level it is currently at.

My trouble is how to tell her... I know i need to be honest, but I feel like a penis breaking up over phone, or any text means. When we see eachother it's usually an all weekend thing since we can't see each other during the week. I don't want to either drive for an hour to see her or have her bus for two hours, just to break up and make the rest of the time horrible (and have horrible return trips)... I could wait until I was taking her home, but usually i"m dropping her off at work and I don't want to possibly make her day suck right before work...

I've known for a few weeks that it's just not going to work any longer, and I was waiting until after an anime convention because I didn't want to make the weekend at the hotel awkward... we just ended up being moody and bitchy to each other the entire time. I'm feeling like utter crap still dragging it out, and i want to tell her every second I speak to her, but I just.. can't do it over phone or text... so I'm... kind of... stuck... in what I should do.

[Guest angels wings]

Hello Alder

I was reading one of your posts and read how supportive ur partner has beeen . What has changed ? You know in your heart what is right for you if it means breaking up and u know there is absolutely no way u can restore it I belive you need to tell her . There will never be a right time . But first look deep in ur heart and see if there is a chance she accepted you and loves you for you . Sometimes emotions get in the way and we can't see what our heart is truely feeling . Take time to look deep and be 1000000% sure this is what u want . I wish you all the best . Remember love is worth fighting for

[Guest Alder]

She's still very supportive, it's mostly just conflicts of personality which don't work when one takes a friendship into more intimate levels. I knew when entering the relationship that it wasn't going to be something very serious, and she's told me that plenty of times that it's not serious, but then the same day say she cares about both me and her other boyfriend(We're poly) equally... when I can easily see that this is not the case since she does plan on having more of a 'serious commited relationship' with him than with me.

There are just to many negatives outwaying the posititves of the relationship... and I'm constantly frustrated at her for simple things like, I hate to say it, her intelligence level. I need someone more mentally on the level with myself, or even a step above so I feel I'm gaining something not having to dumb everything. I should probably stop there before I start ranting out examples, I don't like being the sort of thing to put people down due to anger or frustration....

I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to go about... but it's not much different than breaking up with anyone else I guess. Just harder since it involves either a lot of driving, bus time, or being a penis and breaking up via text/phone/internet....

[Guest Micha]

Sounds like you gonna have to make the drive. Seems the only way to tell her face to face without jackin up a weekend. Or you could do it at the end of a weekend visit I suppose. I wouldn't dig that idea myself, but perhaps she'll feel like you do, or something like it, and it won't be so bad.

[Guest angels wings]

All I can advice is first be true to yourself and secondly be true to her . You know what you need in your life.

[Guest angels wings]

Wishing you all the best Alder in what ever decision you make

[Guest Luna Selene]

Hey Alder,

Jeez that's a tough situation! It's not fair to either of you to keep up a facade, but timing is so very important it's hard to define a good time. But you have to remember, theres never a good time to get dumped...

with that being said, I can offer an alternative. Just because it's 2012 doesn't mean your words need to be digital...

Im saying write a letter. Detail your feelings and the fact that you didnt want to ruin her day. Prep the letter with a suggestion thats personal, Ssomething you know calms her, and if you can dictate WHEN she should read it( after work for example). Seriously go over what you want/need to say, and STAY ON TRACK! make multiple drafts...It seems like a lot of work, but if she means much to you it's worth it.

Send it on a monday to allow shorter mail time, make minimal contact, let her call you.

It sucks getting dumped, but this is the nicest written way. Your not just changing your FB status, your not just texting her vague rushed break up texts, and hopefully she reads it on her own time, allowing freedom to seek consolation from friends, rather than co-workers.

Downside: she gets to keep the letter as a symbol of: what a great person she lost (if she is sad), or something to reread and fume over (if shes angry)

I cant say it will work well, people can be very unpredictable. But its better than dragging it on. Also it gives you the option to get your feelings out there, look at them, and go "Wow! I'm being REALLY silly, I dont think im goin to send this." or " Wow! Tha's EXACTLY how I feel, I'm glad i'm sending this"

Good Luck,

-l

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

I'm sorry things haven't worked out for the 2 of you and that you have this difficult prospect ahead of you.

I know having the trip back would suck but I think the fairest thing really is to talk to her face to face. I wouldn't make a weekend of it coz she would probably be able to tell something was off and you also would spend the whole time knowing what was coming up so it could turn out to be an awful time of a couple of days for both of you.

To be fair to her, I would suggest you drive up to her because if she has to get public transport back home for a couple of hours after being dumped it would really be unfair. She may be tearful and it would be humiliating for her if she was sitting there crying on public transport.

Breaking up is never gonna be pleasant you all respect to you for thinking about the best and most respectful and gentle way to go about it.

Gabe

[Guest Alder]

Well, after last weekend where we ended up bickering a whole lot she finally said something to me via MSN messenger. I'm not the sort of person to not answer direct questions or even semi-direct questions and I told her that I can't handle relationships at the moment due to school and all the other stressors in my life. She said "It's fine, we where just casual anyway"..... I didn't want to be harsh and tell her the /real/ reasons but she's "happy enough" to go back to being friends it's not as though I was leaving her completely alone she's still with her more serious boyfriend.

I can slowly start stepping back further, but for now just having the knowledge that as a friend I'm not worried about angering her when I state my opinion bluntly about her actions, and now i feel more able to actually find someone who wants more than a casual thing... I may not want to get legally married again, that doesn't mean I don't want to find commitment.

[Guest Micha]

So all went as well as it could then?

Sounds like you're the better for it.

*HUGGLES*

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

I'm glad it went ok mate. I think you did the right thing answering her question directly when she asked.

Gabe

[Guest angels wings]

Just read your post I'm glad it went gd for you Alder now u can not worry (((( hugs))))

[Guest Alder]

THanks guys. I need to remember things aren't as anxiety creating as I always think they'll be >.<

doesn't help I have a ton of other anxiety things atm!