Who am I

[Guest Daisy Mae]

I feel so much like that Jackie Chan movie "Who am I". I am in my early 50's, retired from military, married and three children who are grown and families of their own. I don't have too many memories of my childhood (mostly bad memories), can't remember any good times. Early school years were very hard. I was always the last to be picked for any sport (don't really care for sports anyways) and picked on by other boys. I didn't really like school but excelled in math and history. Not very good in english. My high school years were not much better. I mostly kept to myself. I went to a small country school where the graduation class was 100. In my junior year I remember the teacher asked me to pass out some papers. I got a couple of them passed out but ended out handing the rest to someone else to finish because I only knew a couple of people in the class. I started going to this school when I was 10.

I first started trying female clothes in my pre-teens. I would sneak into my sisters rooms (I have two sisters so I guess this would make me the middle sister) and try on their clothes. I would especially like the dresses or skirts. I went back into the closet in my teens and tried to be the "boy" but was still very unhappy. My parents were very religious and being already confused I didn't want to bring any shame to the family. Got my first girlfriend when I was 18 but it didn't last. Met my wife through her dad a few years later. He was the pastor at our church. My wife had just had a child out of wedlock and her parents (both missionaries in the Church of God) brought her up to their place to "save" her. I guess I should have ran then but we were married a year later. A year after we were married I joined the military. She fought me at most duty stations. She had two affairs and it was rumored of another. We split for a while during the second affair but we reconciled. I have always believed in the vows and would never stray from her. Needless to say she made military life very difficult. I did do some dressing while in the military but only a couple of times when she would take off.

After retiring in 2006, we moved back to Michigan. Six months before retiring I blew my back out. There were signs that it was going but I ignored them being that if you say anything health wise while in the military you are out on a medical discharge. So you learn to live with a lot of pain. I now have arthritis in my lower back which causes my back to go out from time to time. We moved back to Michigan to help with my dad. He had Alzheimer and Parkinson Disease and mom really needed help. She had already had 2 rounds of cancer (both while I was in the military) and not physically able to do much. So we built a house next to the parents. I got a job but lost the job two years later due to the economy. My sisters left all the care for our dad to me. He got real bad while I was in my first year of a Master program in administration. I was going to school using the GI bill to help pay bills and further my education since no job. Dad passed away in January 2010 and in 2011 mom was diagnosed with cancer for the 3rd time. Still no help from the sisters.

Our daughter came out in early 2002 and told us that she had a girlfriend and moving in with her. My daughter and I have always been very close and at first I had a hard time accepting it. Thinking back I believe I was more concerned with my military career and if it would have any impact on it. Her girlfriends father was also in the military and he was not happy about it and harassed me saying it was all my daughters fault that his daughter turned out like she did. The daughters came to live with us for a while before moving to the other side of town to be on their own. While they were living with us I came out of the closet and expressed my desire to be in women's clothes. My daughters were very supportive. The wife was supportive at first but she told her sister about me and it turns out that one of her husbands was a cross dresser and she divorced him. The wife did go shopping with me and has purchased several women's clothes but lately complains when I wear them. When I first came out we would paint each other nails. I have several dresses and skirts. She does not wear dresses or skirts. She is more comfortable in t-shirts and sweats or mens boxers. She refuses to wear a bra or any kind of make-up. I am just the opposite, I love wearing bra's, panties, make-up, dresses and skirts. She will wear a t-shirt and boxers to bed and I will have a nightgown or chemise on. I love Frederick of Hollywood and Victoria Secrets (especially their pink section). And yes pink is my favorite color. We have one closet and share everything. We are the same size which helps, except I am taller than she is.

Lately I want more. I stay in a dress or skirt during the day while the wife is gone babysitting and play housewife. I do all the cleaning, laundry, cooking and my job search on the internet. I really love being a housewife. If I could get the transformation I would do it in a heartbeat. My daughters are the only ones that know I want to go to the next step. My only concern is that I will not look feminine enough. I really don't know what "title" I am or what section of this website to go to. I am an extreme introvert. I have never really had any close "male" friends as I don't feel I have much in common with the male side. I don't care for cars, sports or hunting. I am more relaxed being around women but I still don't feel I fit in all the way as I am an "ugly duckling" So I don't have any close friend to talk to or confide in except my daughters.

Daisy Mae

[Guest Guest_SL]

Wow!

My life story almost word for word! Have you thought about speaking with a professional? Does a world of good. VA has some great ones but aim for a woman if at all possible. Like me, you're more comfortable around women and you'll open up more quickly.

Look at my post on the introvert thread. Same thing. I do enjoy cars and sports, any and all sports but hunting is barbaric. In my opinion. Shoot at something that can shoot back and then become a hunter.

Anyway, glad you're here and you'll get a proper welcome shortly. I did have a problem reading your post with that font color but that's just me. However, I didn't skim through.

Welcome and enjoy!

Sara Lee

[Guest Krisina]

I think posting here isn't too bad. After all you have questions, who am I?

Introduction forum is good too, introducing yourself (you may have already posted there).

I found getting in touch with a therapist who has specific training with gender dysphoria. A person who has training and experience with this will be specifically a "gender therapist" off of the main Laura's Playground page we have a link to a list of gender therapist in different cities, states, provinces, countries. A woman therapist, yes if you can find one like mentioned by Sara_Lee.

Trying to figure yourself can be something at times.

I'm introverted too btw, trouble relating to other guys too. Welcome to Laura's too!

Thanks for your post.

Krisina

[Guest Daisy Mae]

Wow!

My life story almost word for word! Have you thought about speaking with a professional? Does a world of good. VA has some great ones but aim for a woman if at all possible. Like me, you're more comfortable around women and you'll open up more quickly.

Look at my post on the introvert thread. Same thing. I do enjoy cars and sports, any and all sports but hunting is barbaric. In my opinion. Shoot at something that can shoot back and then become a hunter.

Anyway, glad you're here and you'll get a proper welcome shortly. I did have a problem reading your post with that font color but that's just me. However, I didn't skim through.

Welcome and enjoy!

Sara Lee

Sorry about the font color, will remember that in the future. I don't know about seeing anyone right now for several reasons. First I am trying to land a job. Having a difficult time enough and would be afraid the word would get out and would be devistated. Secondly I have applied for a job in Afghanistan and will know by July if I get it. It is a para legal position. It would mean that I have to go back in the "closet" for about 3 years but I would have the money to pay off my house with extra to do a transformation. Plus it would give me time away to think of the direction of my life. Thirdly I live in a very small town and the VA clinic is also small. I would not know how to approach my VA doctor about therapy. Since I lost my job in 2006 we have used up our savings and we struggle to keep food for the table. We have no extra money right now for me to see anyone. I am 60% disabled from the military (back injury six months before retirement) and everything is free from the VA but would be very uncomfortable talking to my VA doctor. She is great and very thoughtfull, always checking with me on my job seach when I see her. Not sure where or how to approach the subject with the VA. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Daisy Mae