I am positive one moment, not the next...

[Guest North]

I don't know what I am. One minute, I am certain I am a guy, and others I am just confused or think I am just a girl. This cycle has been going on for at least 8 years, and I have been seeing a therapist for almost a year now who deals with transgender issues.

I know that there is a spectrum, and nothing is binary.

I just dont know if my gender instability is due to denial, or if i am truely gender fluid. I dont like being seen as a girl most of the time, and the more I come out and present male, the less I like beings seen as female and the more it hurts. I cannot even idenitfy with being a woman.

I wanted to grow up and be a boy since I was at least 4 or 5. I remember going through and making mental notes of male names since my childhood, and becoming more depressed the more I realised how different my body was from other guys. In elementary school I began studying the ways guys act, carry themselevs, ect and a few years later tried to pass at school. When I didnt I either felt depressed or angry completely. Most of my middle school years was dealing with dysphoria, like trying to find ways to get rid of my breasts and stop my periods. I was on puberty for at least 3-4 years by that point. When I was in 10th grade I fell in love with this guy, and wanted to be his boyfriend. I tried to pass in school for almost that entire year. But, I didnt know what trans was or that there was anything I could do to change it. I remember returning home, looking in the mirror and just crying my eyes out. I would be stuck looking like a little kid for the rest of my life.

A year later I learned that there was this thing called transgender, u could have top surgery, and hormones gave u a beard. However, since most of that info was based off of The L Word I thought transmen only looked like women with beards.

I am now in college, and hope to go full time in 4 months to test the waters. I have been able to actually leave my house and such on a daily basis since I have been binding and presenting non-female.

I just wish that my anxiety would go away. I have constant panic attacks now because of all the stress. Does it ever get easier?

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

It does get easier North. It sounds like you're doing all the right things by seeing a gender therapist and such. It seems from what you've said like you do feel better when presenting as male. Would it help for now to try not to worry about putting labels on yourself for now and just concentrate on being what's most comfortable..? The rest might become clearer from there.

Have you talked with your therapist about the panic attacks?

Gabe

[Guest Zeda]

Hey North, I know the feeling as well and it is frustrating. I actually started a diary a few years ago to plot my "cycles" so to speak and I found that it was extremely regular (about a 12 week cycle). It there were several sub patterns, too, where I would have combinations of:

Genderness (I mean feeling more of one gender as opposed to others)

Sexuality (sometimes I was attracted to males, other times females, but most of the time asexual)

Mood (Ranging from depressed to nearly manic and with various durations of time ranging from a week or so to a matter of hours)

So I got a wide range from feeling extremely dysphoric and happy, to dysphoric and sad, to content with my sex assignment, to just feeling crappy about the whole situation.

The whole thing gave an overarching sense of anxiety because I was constantly in debate. When I was so totally convinced that I wanted to be the other sex, I would go into the bathroom, look in the mirror, and just see what I could look like. I once took a knife with me, but i never did anything. I would contemplate coming out to my parents and just starting my journey, and then I would think, "a months ago I wasn't feeling this way, how do i know I will be happy tomorrow if I make the decision now?" The anxiety of not having a clear-cut feeling destroyed my grades. I still have the indecisiveness, but I am now managing the anxiety pretty well. What I did was I just became comfortable with myself and I opened myself up to people, specifically my girlfriend at the time (As a note, we are now married ♥). I literally decided to take charge. I started attacking my fears, living them, so that they no longer bothered me. The first time I ever wore makeup, I went into the girls bathroom and put it on and I was terrified. When I came to college, I didn't wear makeup for the first few days, put on a show of aggressiveness until I had tested the waters, then I just out of the blue put it on (my roommate had a "Oh my goodness?" feeling about it, but we have remained roommates for 4 semesters and he's cool with it).

I don't know if that helps, and though I am not FtM, I feel like the situations are similar. I personally think hormones play some role in it and as well, the seasons. For example, the times when these really hit hard are when I experience a big change in the amounts of fats I am burning off or putting on. During the winter, I put on about 20 pounds and when the spring and summer get here, I lose it very rapidly and these are when I feel the most extreme.

[Svenna]

North,

Yikes!

Yes, being uncertain about such weighty issues CAN be a terrible drain on the brain, lol..

It WAS the uncertainty that was tearing me in half, and it wasn't until I took my first doses of HRT that my fears began to subside...

I had a horrible problem with anxiety and panic attacks while I was still in denial, and I ended up hooked on prescription Xanax for 5 1/2 years as a result. Sucky, sucky time, yes it was, and the two years of heavy withdrawal was even worse..

By the time I was recovering from the withdrawal, I was beginning to have panics and nightmares again, but this time, after I finally came out to myself, accepted my 'otherness' and began getting my head together in gender therapy, I found a way OUT of distress...

So many things in trans life are uncertain, and it seems, little can be changed without first knowing ones self and accepting the consequences. I dunno what to tell you about your particular situation, but I DID want to say that what you are feeling is something I have felt myself, and I finally found a way forward...

This stuff is rather extreme, and many forces other than out trues selves push and pull on our minds. We have to find our true centers, regardless, though, right?

Best to you as you sort it all out!

Love, Svenna

[Guest Anira]

hey there sweety. i'm not sure if you've seen this thread. but you may want to take a look at it. it might help clear some things up for you. at least.. i hope it helps.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=44388