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Hello From Another Alcoholic


Guest Arbon

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Hi!

This is an interesting forum and glad it is here. thought I would try posting.

I have 16 years sober.

Earlier this week something dramatic happened that left me seriously considering getting drunk or committing suicide. No worries, those thoughts have passed, though I am still beating myself up for the mess I got myself into which involved being found out in a sense, at a professional level.

It has left me realizing I am very screwed up, still. Even with so many years sober I have not been able to come to terms with who and or what I am and have a lot of deep seeded guilt and shame.

Anway - glad to find the site and just wanted to say hi.

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  • 1 month later...
Guest SanctuaryKitten
Hi!

This is an interesting forum and glad it is here. thought I would try posting.

I have 16 years sober.

Earlier this week something dramatic happened that left me seriously considering getting drunk or committing suicide. No worries, those thoughts have passed, though I am still beating myself up for the mess I got myself into which involved being found out in a sense, at a professional level.

It has left me realizing I am very screwed up, still. Even with so many years sober I have not been able to come to terms with who and or what I am and have a lot of deep seeded guilt and shame.

Anway - glad to find the site and just wanted to say hi.

how can i ever personally come to terms with myself? i'm sick. i'm stupid. i dont' wanna be like this!!! I'm sorry you feel this way, but for my own part, I have no hope :o((( I should have been a girl. I am a girl. please help. ANYBODY.

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Arbon,

I'm glad that you are sober and still with us! I have no experience with alcoholism - I don't drink, just by choice, But I am all to familiar with the deep seeded guilt and shame.

You have nothing to be guilty or ashamed of - this isn't a disease or mental disorder - the AMAA and APA have agreed that it is a medical condition, basically a birth defect - are children born with club feet made to feel guilty for correcting the problem and going on about their lives, no they are held up as heroes. Our only problem is with society, we need a few of us to be viewed as heroes outside of the trans community - then we could feel better about ourselves. But that is very difficult, it requires tolerance, empathy and understanding on the part of society at large.

Civil rights are not equally distributed yet, but things have improved - we are still being told to go to the back of the bus and enter the dinner through the back door. It will take time and some brave people on both sides. Some of us are making great strides inour choosen fields and some are getting noticed - it's a start.

I will leave you with this quote that I find very helpful for myself:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Love ya,

Sally

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Congratulations Arbon !!We have just about the same clean time ;) But yeah, I understand ya, at times you feel like "jiminy, I'm still screwed up". Even though you're not using/drinking you see the flaws in your thinkin or that you have issues/matters you have yet to fix about yourself. The thing is "forgive yourself" for not having it all done yet, its why anyone who's alive still is -cuz they're not "finished" yet as individuals. B) You'lll fix it. And I know you will or die tryin cuz you're talkin about it :P

It ain't over....

16 years and still has issues.

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"You have nothing to be guilty or ashamed of"

That is why I have been spending so much time here ;) Trying to get over that part of the deal. And I have been to, at least a little. Things are clearing up a bit in my mind.

Still, I find it such a difficult thing to talk about. It is so uncomfortable for me to talk in person to anyone (namely wife, and I did talk with a friend last week about it - he is understanding, though I was not sure he would or would not be, but did know he would keep his mouth shut in either case). That is one reason I like it here, it is a lot easier for me to write about then talk about (though my little near disaster that I mentioned - the dramatic thing - was becuase I was writing and what I wrote went somewhere it should not have! whooopsie.

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Shoot - I just saw your post Evan after I sent one. But yeah, still issues. This issue, well it is the one I tried to control, and deny, and shame myself to death over, and stuff into the closet and ignore as best I could.

Does not work forever. :)

Also, the post I made at top I made a typo, should be 15 years.

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Guest DeniseNM
how can i ever personally come to terms with myself? i'm sick. i'm stupid. i dont' wanna be like this!!! I'm sorry you feel this way, but for my own part, I have no hope :o((( I should have been a girl. I am a girl. please help. ANYBODY.

Kitten you aren't sick or stupid and you can have hope. I know I have felt like you do but this is a place where you can find acceptance and love and hope (I know I have). Yes you are a girl no matter what your outer body looks like. I am sure I speak for alot of people here and we will help you all we can in any way we can. Please feel free to message me or email me if you need want. Stay safe girl

Denise

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When I turned 40 I decided that I wasn't going to "be myself" anymore. I stopped dressing for a while and decided that I was done with my female half.

That period after was a dark time in my life and my alcohol use went up along with my pot use. I used both to control my female self.

Three or 4 years ago I decided that it wasn't going away and I began to accept myself as I am . I started dressing again and reading on the web . My depression decreased along with my pot consumption but by that time my alcoholism was full bore. Once pickle as they say.

Getting into AA was the best thing for my addition and for my TG self {MTF non OPP}.

I came out to my mom , brother and daughter before that and then to my sponsor and a few select members in AA once in the program.

There are other TG people in the program.

As for sanctuary kitten staying in yer head is bound to make you think you are crazy.

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