Romance & Dating - MTF

[Guest Joyful Mama]

I have been asking myself this question for awhile and would like to have some opinions. My daughter is MTF and identifies as straight at this point. I want and so wish for her to have a full life - she is young and attractive and has a lot of offer some lucky guy. What is the reality/possibility of her finding a guy? I have this nagging feeling that her romantic life is going to be very tough because I don't know if a straight guy will to want to date her (she is soon to be post-op) and eventually settle down. One part of me is optimistic while the other part of me says don't count on it. Are straight guys mostly not interested? I would assume there are guys out there that willing to accept her for who she is regardless of her being MTF? But, is it such a rare case that happens? She is willing to tell a guy her medical history if she thinks a relationship is beginning.

Forgive me if this topic has been discussed already.

[Guest Kelly-087]

Likely? Who knows.

But I'll say, it's not a stretch. Chances are: The guy that won't want to be with her for that reason, are the guys that you don't want with your daughter period.

[Guest Talon]

Hey there,

I completely understand your worries, I think all transpeople to some extent have these concerns for themselves and, if you are a parents of an MTF or FTM, definitely for you children!

You daughter can find love for sure! I know that there is a lot of talk about relationships not working out because of trans-issues. But a lot of them do. I think the key is to not view your daughter being MTF as a problem or something negative about her ( I'm not saying you look at it that way ) when thinking about relationships. I mean, people are so vastly different in so many regards. And everyone has something about them, some kind of baggage or some kind of fact, habit, medical condition etc. etc. that is potentially hard to swallow for a partner and takes some getting used to. As for the physical stuff, bio people look very different underneath their clothes and pants too.

I think the worries connected with being trans in the dating world and wanting to date straight guys is that you may run into someone who is fundamentally against it and who will not under any circumstances accept it. If you haven't told your partner that you're trans from the start this may trigger some anger and cause the person to feel cheated or manipulated. So I think it is wonderful that your daughter is willing to be straight up about everything.

Also, being as some guys view MTFs as a genre of porn only, I think it's important to just use common sense and be sure to enter a relationship with some understanding of the other person and after having spent some time together. But I am sure your daughter thinks about that herself too and if she is honest about everything I am sure that the bad guys can be avoided! Besides, I don't think those guys would even stick around long enough to get to know each other as persons because they are just looking for a quick lay. So as long as one is aware, I don't think those guys are gonna be a problem.

The world is huge. There are so many good people here, people who just want to find love and who are accepting of others' differences. I agree with Kelly that a guy who doesn't want your daughter for who she is and for everything she is is not the guy she should be with in the long run anyways. But trust me, there are good guys out there, straight biological males and trans guys as well. I know she can meet the right one, there are people who cares about WHO she is and not WHAT she is It's hard to say if straight guys in general care or not. I guess some of them do. But some of them don't. I've heard many of my straight bio friends say that it really wouldn't matter in a relationship. I am a straight trans guy and in my opinion, and many of my friends agreed when we talked about this, if an MTF identifies as a woman then she is as much a woman as any bio girl and in a relationship with her I'd still be straight as an arrow My own girlfriend is MTF. There ARE guys out there who won't mind and who will always see her as a beautiful, wonderful woman no matter what. I have many FTM friends who are in relationships with biological girls and it doesn't pose big problems. It's all about love.

So yeah... it is possible! I know it is because I've seen it! Your daughter can definitely find love. Of course her being trans is something that her future partner has to be willing and able to live with but there are guys who can do this and not have issues with it.

Good luck to you both!

All the best,

Talon.

[Guest Joyful Mama]

Thank you Talon, for your kind, comforting, and thoughtful reply to my concerns. You are right, there seems to be more info about trans relationships not working out. I needed to hear what you wrote - the world is a big place and there are guys out there who can accept my whole daughter for who she is. I think my daughter has her head on her shoulders and will be cautious. As a parent, I have hopes and dreams for her, just as I did prior to her transition when I thought I had a son. But, I have to admit, those hopes and dreams can be minimized at times when I hear sad stories and it breaks my heart knowing it can be tough. I cheer whenever I hear of a huge success story that has been made public due to celebrity status - they are steps that lead to educating our society and, in turn, make it possible to give us parents hope and faith things will 'be ok' for our kids. Because we have been focusing so much on her transition and all the dynamics that go with it and now that she has come so far that my concerns have moved on to - 'ok, now what?' I love my daughter so much and am so thankful she is becoming happier and happier as time goes on and gaining confidence as to who she is. She deserves a happy life, as does everyone. Kelly087 - very good point and one to keep remembering to stay strong. Thank you!

Joyful Mama

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Hi, Mama:

Hey, no worries about discussing this issue. Certainly, people have discussed here many times before. However, it is completely new to YOU right NOW; hence, we're glad you asked about this issue.

Talon, especially, and the others gave you marvelous answers. Believe what they tell you, because it's true. Surely, you've heard the old saying: Nothing succeeds like success. Well, it's actually true. What better way to encourage you and your daughter that finding love and romance IS possible for her than to give real-life examples of people just like your daughter who have found love and happiness trans issues notwithstanding?

Many times, I refer people to Lynn Conway's website, because Ms. Conway herself is a MTF transsexual woman. More importantly, she's simply brilliant and provides splendid information for transwomen and transmen to encourage them to live full and happy lives. Kindly take a look at this website. You would do well to read all the stories even if it takes a few days to do so. These stories will delight and inspire you and your daughter. Of note is that Lynn Conway herself found love, happiness and a stable marriage after transitioning.

Fortunately, these days and times are much, much better than those of my youth (I'm age 56.5), and your daughter actually stands a very GOOD chance of finding somebody worthwhile to love her and for her to love. Lynn Conway's website? Certainly! Here you go:

http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TSsuccesses/TSsuccesses.html

May I suggest to you that your daughter need not necessarily insist on finding a genetic guy? Transguys really rock. Talon, who answered you splendidly above, is a marvelous example! It's been my good fortune and pleasure to have met several transguys in real life, and I admire them very much. Were I young again, I'd happily involve myself with a transguy were the occasion to arise. I know of transguys and transgals who've gotten together, stayed together and have very successful and happy relationships and full and happy lives.

While we're on the subject, why not check out successful transguys too? Bombs away! Here's to you:

http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TSsuccesses/TransMen.html

Yes, Ma'am! Every single one of those guys began life as a biological female! Note that they span the spectrum of the panopoly of people mirrored in mainstream society. Guy, these guys are smart, successful and (dare I say it?) attractive and simply brim and bubble with confidence, aplomb and contentment. How cool is that? Way cool!

Peace & Joy Lacey Lynne

Postscript:

What we are telling you is, yes, your daughter has very real possibilities to find love, romance and happiness. Doubt it not. Believe, and all things are possible unto you. Sound silly, I know, but it's, oh, so true! Namaste.

[Guest MissLeyla]

This has been a huge concern for me too..... Thankyou so much for the informative and encouraging words ladies, it was just what i needed to read right now xo, Leyla

[Guest KarenLyn]

I was 41 when I started my transition. I never expected to be in a relationship at that point. I didn't even thing dating was possible.

My husband and I have been together for just over 13 years now.

Romance and love happen when they happen but if they are possible at my age, I don't think your daughter has anything to worry about.

Karen

[Guest kelise]

I am a lesbian and while I'll say finding the right girl wasn't easy, it did ultimately happen and I have been with my girlfriend now for over 2 years. I was pre-op when we met and she was with me through my surgery. We couldn't be happier. For me it was important to find a girl who liked girls. I needed someone who wantede and was attracted to my new anatomy rather than just tolerated it. So, it's okay to be picky. The dating pool may be smaller, much smaller in my case, as I not only jumped from the "cis-only" pool to the "willing to date trans" pool, but also from the straight to the lesbian pool, and yet, I still found somebody despite the odds.

[Guest Joyful Mama]

Lacey Lynn,

Oh, thank you for your words of encouragement and links. It was kind of you to include the links which I will enjoy reading. This is all good information and helps immensely in brightening future hopes. I needed to hear and read success stories. Tahnk you so much!

KarenLyn and Kelise,

Wow, thanks for sharing your success stories. Congratulations on finding love!

Joyful Mama