Body and Physical Challenges to Androgyny

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Hi All,

I was born with a twin brother who in his ealry childhood and just slightly into puberty remained non-gender conforming. In his ealry teens, it seemd tha tthe pressure to conform to rigid gender sterotypes, overwhelmed him. The sweet, sensitive, crossdresssing child who loved to experiment with my Mom's make-up was lost (or hidded) from that point on.

Pubert was difficult for each of us. For me, it was also devastating in many ways but I was able to manitain my androgyny. I did so not withut consequence .... I was targeted for "gay" bashing on numerous occassions ... but I feel that in some ways, my ability to remain androgynous was easier than the choice that my brother had to make.

I was able to maintain androgyny by not wearing "women's" clothing an di was able to wear clothes that fit me best and suited me. In High School, thse were boyish "woemn's" clothes btu when I gradutated, I was able to sip into men's clothes without making an extreme transtion. I was able to cut my hair from short, to ultra-short and I moved and acted in the same way that I always had. I am not sayign that there was no job discrimination, issues with housign an daother ******** to deal with .. there was pleanty of sublte and overt discrimintaion and as I said before, even violence against me .... but I feel that I still had it easier than my brother in regard to my relative freeedom to express gender variance. Also, I am not sure that there woudl have bene less vilence against me as a cis feamle ... let's face it ... there are high rates of violence against young women. But the point is ... there is also a lot of violence against gender non-conforming "men" as well. (I am using the term "men" to describe a perscon who is gender non-conforming but not clearly trans or female... because I am uncertain if my brother was a cross dresser or was trans or androgynous. He has grown up to be a hyper-maculine, homo/transphobic, angry, substance-abusing stranger. But he is "cis"? )

What am I trying to say ... I guess this is very painful ... I am not really clear ... but ... well ... I know that we, as gender vairiant people are treated much differently in society ... the stastics on viollence against us documents this grim reality. I guess, I want to say that I wish that everyone had the freedom to dress, act, and BE as they wish in regard to gender expression.

I will forever miss the twin that I was born with ... the child with a male body and a sweet, delicate and beautiful spirit. The "brother" who wore my Mom's dresses and make-up in secret and who let me defend him from bullies as his "big brother" on the playground. Sigh ... damn .. this is depressing ... sniffle.

Anyway ... fo rthose of you who are born with male anatomy and wish it was otherwise or simply reject the male stereotypes and pressures to conform, I know how hard this is .... "I get it."

Any thoughts from you all on the chalenges that our physcial bodies have on our abilty to express ourselves in respect to this thing (mostly social construct) called "gender?"

Hugs,

JB

Edited April 29, 2012 by CariadsCarrot
getting round the word filter is not allowed

[Guest sleeping chrysalid]

What do you understand more, the social or internal struggles? It sounds like you have been confronted with mostly social challenges.

Right now it seems like your brother is in agony. I think he is facing internal challenges more than anything. I don't want to assume your brother is really trans, androgynous or non-conforming which is why I'm using male pronouns but I highly doubt he is cis.

The way he's acting seems more like hiding and self-hate than anything else. If he falls anywhere under the transgender umbrella he clearly doesn't accept himself.

There are social challenges and internal challenges. You have a lot of experience with social challenges. I think for your twin the challenge is internal at the moment.

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Sleeping Chrysalid,

Good point about "internal struggle" I would like to learn more about your personal expereince with this.

It is very hard to express things clearly in writing ( the dyslexia doesn't help) but it is difficult even if I could type. When I said "He is cis" I meant that with some irony in that he is percieved in the owrld as "cis" but that this does not seem to be his natural orientaion ... (as he is absolutley miserable.) I use the term "he" only because I am uncertain of what gender pronoun is most accurate here and mostly because this is the term that he would prefer. I can never fully understand his internal struggle ... I did not mean to suggest that I can understand anyone's internal struggle ... or even their social struggle ... wahen I siad "I get it" I mean that "I get it" in a broad sense, meaning, I have seen my twin brother go through the painful ordeal of feeling the need to hide his gender variance. I have had my own internal struggles to deal with but I am not certain that they are the same or even simalir to my brother's or anyone's.

Even though we are twins ... we are very different people and we have (additionally) been treated very differently by society. We aslo have very different bodies and bio-chemistry. So ... I am mostly trying to say that although my path has been very challenging, I feel that his has been complicated in different ways, mostly, due to our anatomical differences and related context.

So, I guess it is more accurate to say that I feel a deep sadness when I consider how difficult my brother's life has been ... and a sadness that he has not (yet) been able to fully explore and ultimately express himself in the ways that I have. This is a complex topic .. probably far too complex to communicate effectivley... I probably can do justice here in a thread ...

It was our birthday this month and he has been on my mind quite a lot. I have been thinking a lot about our similarities and our differences ... how close we are and how far apart we have grown due (in great part) to homo/tranphobia and extreme sexism. (Which is so ironic when I think of the gentle little child that I grew up with.) Anyway ... I am probably not making any sense ... but it was worth a try.

I would like to hear more about "internal"challenges ... I am glad that you brought this up Sleeping Chrysalid.

Again my question:

Any thoughts from you all on the challenges that our physcial bodies have on our abilty to express ourselves in respect to this thing (mostly social construct) called "gender?"

Bes to All,

JB

[Guest Micha]

As a child, almost always pretended to be a girl. It was like role playing, either by myself or with my cousins. I would either be the princess or the girlfriend, or whatever. Not all the time, I also had a male character that I would play, but thinking back, it wasn't quite as often. I wore skirts too, playing dress up but not on a regular basis. Occasionally I would be made fun of, for wearing a skirt or making a "feminine" gesture. I felt embarrassed, and angry, but it wasn't an ongoing thing so it didn't really dominate my feelings. At this time I never really thought about what boys were supposed to do, and what they weren't supposed to do. I don't really remember being told one way or the other. The elementary school years were easier on this front, up until about 5th grade I suppose. That's when things started changing. The conversation became more mature topics discussed in immature ways, lots of talk about sex and genitals and such - and most importantly, more pressure to not be "queer." That was a big one for some reason (we're talking poor suburb of south salt lake county here - very strong traditional hetero-normative influence). You wanted to insult someone, their sexuality was a prime target, and invoked the strongest reaction.

From this point things became more malicious and miserable. I was teased for everything, from my sensitivity or shyness to being creative. And I was constantly picked on for that, as well as for being perceived as gay. So all those feelings got locked up, and I stuffed myself into a shell and never saw the light again until over a decade later. That's where the apathy began. These people can't hurt you if you don't care anymore. F the world, why try, everyone can go to hell. That was pretty much it for the rest of my childhood.

That constructed a cynical, resentful, moody, emotional mess that I have been since trying to sort out. Underneath it all though was this underlying theme. I wasn't macho, hyper masculine or even remotely manly. I wasn't growing up to be a man. I didn't talk incessantly about my penis or other girls' breasts, I didn't make cat calls or rude remarks about a girls body. I didn't trash talk, I didn't fight and I didn't compete. I was a freak and a failure, and treated as such. The idea of being anything but a heterosexual man was terrifying in this environment. So there is a lot to try and undo or overcome, and this is where it's clear that this struggle is primarily internal.

I never fit in, but I was too sensitive to be an outcast, so I tried to conform. In that process I developed traits and tendencies that I am not proud of. There is a lot of work still to be done. It was overwhelming.

I couldn't deal out of high school. I found alcohol. The intoxication blurred and distorted my reality, it was liquid apathy. And it was addicting. Still is.

I've learned so much since then, and instead of hiding or fighting what I feel, I'm trying to figure out what it is I feel. The whole idea of gender variance is so liberating, a huge weight off my shoulders. It's okay to be me! It's okay to cry. It's okay to love. It's all okay.

My shield of apathy is gone.

The anger is still there though, along with bitterness, resentment and cynicism. That is a huge part of the internal struggle. As is identifying what it is I really feel,really want, and separate it from those traits and such that I developed when trying to get by as a teenager. Not so easy, as it's so deeply ingrained in me now. If crossing the line is hard, walking the line is worse.

There's also family. They're so used to the me I presented before, they're not sure how to handle the little bits of the natural me that have managed to surface. I make my wife feel less feminine, even heartless (cuz she doesn't cry at this Allison Krous song that never fails to bring me to tears - twisted song about two boys getting lost in the woods and freezing to death). She has her own history that's shaped and molded her against her desires, and that's left her a tough and enduring human being. I don't know how she feels about that, or if she resents it or anything, but I know she's uncomfortable when I wear mascara or skirts. If I looked the way I wanted to I think she'd have a breakdown.

And then there's others, they get uncomfortable when I am openly compassionate, even physically (why can't these "guys" just take a hug without shame?). I don't know how they'd react if I was completely out of my shell.

Physically I have some challenges too. I can do something about my weight (another negative effect of the alcohol), but not my hair. I can't do anything about the way certain clothes don't fit my body, how some seams are just. . . wrong. I'd like to have a more androgynous wardrobe, and yes, I concede, I'd like to look more feminine. It's kind of a maybe, for the future. Currently I still focused on the deprogramming, introspective discovery and inner peace.

Dunno if that's anything like what you were thinking, but you got me goin. There I am. . .

[Guest sleeping chrysalid]

Sleeping Chrysalid,

Good point about "internal struggle" I would like to learn more about your personal expereince with this.

I did some digging and pulled out something I wrote a while ago that I think you should take a look at. I have new insight into this now and now that I'm bringing it up again it will do me as much good as it will for you.

My experience isn't not the stereotypical transsexual experience. The one most important lesson I've learned is not to try and fit into a box. I felt like going to transition meant that people were going to test me and if I was different from the classic transsexual that would invalidate me.

I was so deathly afraid of not really being a woman that it bothered me that I am quite androgynous. If someone were to analyze my personality they would probably jump to the conclusion that I am an androgyne. I am not. If I were I wouldn't be so unhappy living as a male because I could go either way. I admit that my dysphoria may not have been as severe as that of some people. I never went into such a state where I felt the need to cut and the only reason I ever did what would have been considered self-injury was for deluded hope. It wasn't the classic emotional self-harm and I actually hated the pain. It was for a different reason.

I wanted to castrate myself because the threat of puberty was hanging over my head like a guilotine and I was so terrified I would've done anything to stop it. It was hard knowing it would be painful and I analyzed my genitals thinking about what I should've done. I knew better but I still thought about it. I knew I could've killed myself and I was smart but at the same time I tried to damage my parts without killing myself even if that meant I couldn't cut them off. I tried crushing them just enough to cause some damage but the way the pain moved to my kidneys and liver areas worried me. I didn't want to die from it and the pain was in a very vital area which surprised me. What if my liver shut down? What about my kidneys? Why was the pain there?

The difference is that it wasn't a symptom of depression and the pain didn't give me release. It was a desperate reaction to overwhelming fear.

I wrote what is found in this next quote a while ago. It is long but it has a lot in it and it provides some insight into my gender dysphoria.

How can something that is false seem so real? I look back at the pathetic evidence of my transsexuality that I have just interpreted in that way and I feel dead. I remember the instance in which my mother told me the difference between male and female while we happened to be getting the male. I said "I'm female?". She said "no you are male, I am female". I realize my interpretation of that could have been wrong. I could have just failed to make the connection between the terms I knew and the terms I did not know. I may have failed to make the connection that boy=male and girl=female. What about all the times I acted girly? There were as many times when I acted boyish as well.

It brings me to tears to think that I may have been lying to myself. I remember the instance in which I desired to posess a female attribute at the age of two and it makes me think is that maybe I just wanted to be female. Maybe I was not female. My life is over and I can never have what I need the most. I have been raised in such a way that has rendered me morally incapable of suicide but if I was an athiest I would do it. If I have autogynephilia than I am incredibly crushed and disappointed. My life has been one of awakening. Parts of my brain seemed to be broken at times and they seemed to suddenly start functioning. I could not recognize scents until I was ten and when my sense of smell first developed I was filled with a joy that had been saved for later when I was born. When I first felt music I was out with Kevin whom my parents had arranged to take me out. I was at the mall and when I first heard the soothing melody I melted. I could not describe the feeling at the time but Kevin had heard the song and suggested that it must feel soothing. I had joy I had fun I had seasons in the sun but the seasons were all gone. As my mind began to function in ways it had not before I grew and I seemed to become more feminine but I can not forget who I was. I was delusional and out of my wits. I could be violent at times and not because I wanted to hurt anyone but because I was having an outburst. I ran like crazy and sometimes injured people but when Aaron started harrassing me my initial reaction was to just take it. The outbursts stopped and I had no other masculine qualities so I grew more feminine. It began to seem real and people noticed that I was not like other guys. A supply teacher was going to punish the whole class but I reminded her that some people were not doing anything and the way I said it seemed to calm her. I said it like a child and she started making a list. I think she was going easy on me for the same reason people tend to be easier on girls. I was the only one in my school's ASD program that actually developed social skills and changed. Thomas was still brutally honest, John was still immature and selfish, Nicole was still vulgar and when I asked Ms. Bennet if she noticed my aspergers and she said it seems to be almost unnoticable except for one thing. She says I seem to prepare for conversations and the truth is when I am standing and I expect a nice, long and involving conversation I sit down and get focused on the conversation because I am usually doing something else. The way I seem to drop everything and prepare is the only thing she noticed and she said I was very considerate of others. I do not know why I learned because it is not expected that people with aspergers can ever develop in that way. Ms. Bennett and Mr. Gumulka are the only adults I have told and there seems to be a warm connection. I fear that all this growth has been wrong. I fear that I am really just an autogynephilac but how can something that seems so real be fake? Most people with autogynephillia that try to live as women are shunned because they are still men and act like men but my male behaviour seems to be gone (if it ever really existed) and I do not fit in with other guys. I am the only person in the ASD program that can talk to Nicole without getting into a fight because I do not act so arrogent and masculine. The times when I am entirely certain I am a woman are the ones in which I notice I am in feminine poses the most often. My hands have been resting on my hips again which is one thing I can remember doing and it happens most often when there is nobody around to judge. How could I be getting it down to the details if it is fake? I realize I did well in drama and this puts doubt into my mind. My mind may have been growing feminine simply because I wanted it to. I worry that I am just so good at acting that my transsexuality seems so real and that I am really just a crafty autogynephillac. If that is the case then I can never truly live as a woman and that is disappointing because I want to do it so badly. If I am autogynephilac then the only thing I can think of is that an expected sixty-three years is a long time to wait. Maybe I should just wait for death. Maybe after my physical death catches up to my death I will see God and he will give me what I have denied myself. Maybe I will get to live a second life as a real woman before going to heaven. Maybe I am being selfish. Maybe I should just give myself up and marry a woman because my ability to act like I am not a man could make certain women happy. Maybe I could make somebody fortunate to have a husband that does not have any of the things that women complain about when talking about men. Maybe having no pack instincts would be helpful because I could treat her like an equal. I have compromised myself before so maybe I am supposed to give myself up entirely and just be an unhappy man for the sake of someone else. Maybe I am just looking for a reason to live because I fear I can never live for myself. I can never be who I want to be so I am just giving myself up.

No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, to be the sad man, behind blue eyes. No one knows what it's like to be hated, to be fated... Wandering alone is not romantic. There is no glory in exile. The byronic hero is not a happy one and is close to a tragic hero. This is not a good life. If I had a choice I would have been born a woman and if I had to be born a man I would prefer to be a classic transsexual to an autogynephillac. It is not pleasant to not know. I wish it were obvious so I would not be so confused. Autogynephilia or genuine transsexualism? The idea of being a woman does not arouse me but the revisions of the definition make me fit more. I still do not fit entirely because I do not act like a man and therefore would probably not have the same problems as others with autogynephillia but am I just hiding and acting? Am I really a man? Am I really so ill fated and divinely hated that I have to live my life waiting for death because the only thing in it that would make me happy is something that remains on the other side of the prison bars and outside of reach? Do I really walk on the boulevard of roken dreams? Am I only accompanied by my shadow? Do I walk alone? Where is the hope? Where is the hope? Where is the hope? I already know the answer. It is crushed beneath the foot of Daniel Alcamo where I lie on the pavement as he towers over me. I lie defeated as the fate stands tall and one hundred and seventy pounds of truth drives me into the pavement, into nothingness? That is what I have been, nothing. I am blank. I knew I wasn't masculine but I was afraid to show my feminine side so I remained blank. I attempted to send no signals in the way I dressed with solid colors and plain clothes that say nothing. I am the silent, the unheard for silence is my death and isolation is my tomb. My mantra for so long... It is depressing but it is reality. I do not seem to fit anywhere. I have experiences that are kind of similar to transsexual experiences but they are faint and not the same. Stretching my socks out and pretending they are stockings because I want to wear stockings is not the same as crossdressing. It may have similar motivations but it shows that I am not as strong. It shows that I have some feelings that make me seem transsexual but I am not shouting. I am whispering and I do not know if they are real. I do not know if I really am a transsexual and a part of me still hopes that it is real but this only makes any introspection biased. I can not truly examine myself until hoping becomes knowing. I am sorry for rambling but I just calmed down enough to type this and it is bothering me a lot. I am shattered. I am a mess and I will probably always be a mess if it turns out this is autogynephilia. Like a woman I depend on the comments of others but it is just because I am unsure of myself and I often suspect myself of bias. It is reassuring to here others confirming what I suspected of myself but either could not admit or was unsure of. I need answers and like Oedipus, the answers will either bring salvation or damnation. Do I have autogynephila? I do not even know.

I was absolutely desperate. My thinking was that if I'm not really a woman then I can't live as a woman and the thought of that possibility devestated me. It killed. I didn't realize that the fact that it hurt me so much was in itself a sign of gender dysphoria. I didn't realize that the fact that I felt the need to transition meant that I was probably transsexual.

Here's some advice I received:

The things others take for granted can be so hard for us! Something as simple and basic as identity. And perhaps that is a major clue to whehter you are trans. Who else ever even wonders about it?

I loved this quote from JJ. I was so fragile and it was because my own identity was in question. I have heard other people say that it is common for teenagers to wonder and experiment but I doubt it ever hits anyone who isn't trans so close to the heart. When the issue is so central and has such a deep impact it must be serious.

I'd say it's as simple as... if you want to be a girl, you are. If the thought of not being female upsets you, as it seems to, then you are female. If being female makes you happy, then that's who you truly are. Why should there be any more distinction than that?

I liked this too and it is very straightforward It was just so nice and even though it sounds like a simplification it is true. All you need to do is what makes you happy and there shouldn't be so much emphasis on validation. The medical community has created that emphasis in my opinion.

The way I read about it was the way it used to be and someone who was absolutely desperate could've been abandoned just because s/he didn't know when s/he was five or for other reasons that would've made less sympathetic people throw you away and leave you to die.

If you're that desperate, you need it. Period. I don't care whether or not someone disagrees. I don't care whether or not I fit into some kind of textbook box. It doesn't change a thing.

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Dear MIcha and Sleeping Chrysalid,

These responses are so very intimate and beautiful. Thank you for this gift.

I agree with this line especially Sleeping Chrysaild:

"All you need to do is what makes you happy and there shouldn't be so much emphasis on validation. The medical community has created that emphasis in my opinion."

Micha, I can relate to this line so much:

The anger is still there though, along with bitterness, resentment and cynicism. That is a huge part of the internal struggle. As is identifying what it is I really feel,really want, and separate it from those traits and such that I developed when trying to get by as a teenager. Not so easy, as it's so deeply ingrained in me now. If crossing the line is hard, walking the line is worse.

I think that my personal internal struggle involves quieting the voice that says: "Life isn't fair and You don't matter" I have had to realize that although it is true ... "Life is often unfair, Still .... I do matter" .... I have a right to happiness and to live my life in a way that brings me happiness ... and a big part of that happiness is living my life as the gender expression that I wish.

I realize that I hold a strange guilt over not having been able to protect my brother from so much pain. I never wanted to walk thi spath without him but he has left me and I have been forced to continue on my own. Thank you MIcha and Sleeping Chrysalid for reaching out and being honest, vlneralbe and open about your internal struggles. Hearing your experinces is helping me to heal from some of the pain that I feel due to the loss of my twin.

May every kind and beautiful thing flower from within you.

With Love,

Juniper

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

I'm sorry for the path your brother felt he had to take JB. It must be so painful for you to watch and for him to live.

Gabe

[Guest Melancholy]

He has grown up to be a hyper-maculine, homo/transphobic, angry, substance-abusing stranger. But he is "cis"? )

Ohhh...I know exactly what that's like. He's not quite there, but he's on the same path. My brother.

He used to be so nice.

I stayed me, and he...he folded. He changed into..I need a word. He's now completely my opposite. He's quite homophobic, completely against me, set in the idea of binary gender and anyone inbetween or who "swaps" is a " freak". In the meantime, I am a spazz, spastic, retard, and other such foul language. I wonder if there's just a bit of him left. Sometimes, it's almmost like he's him again. Chav, with a hint of nice.

D'you know what's odd, though? Sometimes it almost feels like it was meant to be this way. Like it was inevitable. I end up like this and he is my polar opposite. Me, and androgyne, bisexual, a bit philosophical, and him, a regualr guy, aggresively straight, doesn't stop to think. My "identical" twin...

D'you ever get that thing where you just feel like perhaps it was inevitable that it was going to be this way?

But yeah..I get what you mean about your brother. I'm sorry.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Juniper,

These discussions seem more of a transsexual nature than androgynous. This is an interesting topic, but perhaps it belongs in the transsexual forum. Siblings who assert themselves in such a manner are clearly struggling with something themselves.

Brenda

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Thanks everyone for the support.

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Thanks for catching the profanity Gabe! I visit another site that allows profanity with dashes and I sometimes forget that this site is very "PG-13. " My apologies.

Melancholy ... I had to think about your question:

"D'you ever get that thing where you just feel like perhaps it was inevitable that it was going to be this way?"

I am kind of an atheist, even though I am very into Buddhism philosophy ... so, this one is kind of tough to answer ... but it does seem like my brother and I have always been opposite sides of the same coin. Perhaps because of our different tempraments, there is no way that our divergence could have been avoided. It is kind of interesting that we kind of counter-balance eachother ... For instance, when we vote, I am sure that we just cancel eachother out. (He loves Rush Limbaugh and I love Rachel Maddow. )

Brenda ,

In response to your observation: "These discussions seem more of a transsexual nature than androgynous."

I decided to put the topic under androgyny because the issue of consequence with gender non-conformity really spans the spectrum. It seems that virtually anyone, trans, cross-dresser, androgyne, neutrois, other gender varaint, or even cis, who does not conform to gender stereotypes gets hit hard with some type of social pressure ( or internal pressure) to get back in line. My deepest sense of my brother is that if he were to have been able to continue to express himself and explore his identity, he may have ultimately concluded that he was androgynous/pan-gender (and along those lines ... pansexual.) I know that he was a closeted bi-sexual into his ealry 20's... (and may remain so.) He did not seem to have issues with his physcial body ... he was pretty excited to get muscles, body hair ect. it was more that he was pressured to be agressive and tough ( especailly by my macho father) when his nature was to be quite gentle. This was what really seemed to torment him most.

I do hope that he is able to find peace and self-love wherever he is and it would be wonderful if he was able to come out and live fully as his true self one day. I wish this for every person.

Best to All,

Juniper

[Guest sleeping chrysalid]

I decided to put the topic under androgyny because the issue of consequence with gender non-conformity really spans the spectrum. It seems that virtually anyone, trans, cross-dresser, androgyne, neutrois, other gender varaint, or even cis, who does not conform to gender stereotypes gets hit hard with some type of social pressure ( or internal pressure) to get back in line.

Then maybe it should be in the general forum.

[Guest]

Hi JB -

I can so identify with your brother and the anger that seeths - I called it the caged animal syndrome - it wasn't pretty at all. Your brother is young still (relative to oldies like myself); keep up hope that he finds self-acceptance eventually.

And, Micha,

Your story was touching to tears - you paralleled my childhood so closely that it was just spooky. It has taken many years, several therapists, and a whole Laura's Playground to heal those wounds.

There's not much I can add, really - we're just such suffering lonely folks sometimes. Take care all - hang together here until your pain is eased...

All my love, Megan

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Thank you Megan.

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Hi Sleeping Chrysalid,

This one kind of "unfolded." I'm fine if someone wants to move it to the General Forum but I think it is appropraite in the Androgyne Forum as well ... So if it stays here, that's fine with me too.

Thanks for the suggestion,

JB

[Guest weather_rhythm]

Micha,

I try to keep up with your goings on from time as you know my Luna. Micha, you sound like me. Long story short--I'm a tomboy who tried to be girly for a while, and it took a lot of soul searching to realize what that mess was all about. But I came out of it relatively unscathed; however, the scales of justice are uneven for gender normativity. People tend to be more forgiving of females being overly masculine than for men to be overtly feminine. I had my mother's consternation to deal with and a lot of people asking if I was gay (or assuming it), but that was it. Bottom line: it isn't easy being different, but I feel like I had it easy compared to you.

It took 6 months of living with my brother's family as their nanny for me to realize that nothing I did would ever be good enough for these people, so all pretense of being someone I was not ended there. I got fed up. But rather than giving up again I decided to abide by one rule: be yourself. I admire that you are taking the time to do this. You obviously can't up and leave like I did, but you are on your path. Guided meditation is also awesome if you have the time.

http://www.dharmapunx.com/htm/mp3.htm

[Guest Micha]

JB, Megan, Weather Rhythm - Thank you.