Want To Be A Woman But Can't Be Tg

[Guest tsubasa]

Hello All,

As I put this together I'm debating what use posting here even is. Sure. That's a great way to get anyone here to like me.

It seems I can't fit in anywhere. While I realize that I have a ton of problems that aren't related to gender, I keep coming back to my problem with gender. You see, my problem is that for some reason I want to be a woman. I don't know why. My parents made sure I wouldn't be around any girls growing up, so I have no idea what being a woman entails. Now that I'm all grown up, women won't even give me the time of day. And why should they? All I can afford to drive is a moped.

This desire of mine to be female really didn't start until I was probably 11 or 12, but it hasn't gone away. That's probably too old to be considered a transsexual. I wanted to be female so badly, though, that I managed to get my GP to prescribe me female hormones. However, when I tried to pursue getting a referral to an endo, the psychologist I went to said that I'd be better off with a strap-on vagina. I don't fit in at support groups. When I look at other TSes, they all look so disgusting to me. I know, I'm really winning over all of you as friends.

It's to the point where I don't know what to do with myself. I screwed up when I started taking hormones and my parents found out. That was the end of college for me and I went a few thousand dollars into debt attempting to get out on my own.

The more I look at it, I think that my problem is that I'm a worthless person. I guess I don't even know why I'm posting this. I hate myself so much. I had hoped that feeling would go away as I got older, but it's only gotten more and more intense. If I'm not a transsexual, then why do I feel like I have to be female. If I don't know a thing about being a woman and women can't stand me, why would I even want this? I'm in counseling and even that doesn't help.

[Guest julia_d]

I admire your honesty.. that's a good step and a very female characteristic..

You may hate yourself right now.. I can hear it in every word, but what you relate are classic symptoms. When bodies start to change in puberty things happen, and if they are not in the direction your brain expects then all these personal and personality problems surface. Only a lucky few are 100% dead certain from childhood regardless of what the people who own us say or do.

Your doubts are perfectly natural. It's hard to break out from a lifetime of being "wrong".. wrong inside wrong outside and wrong to the whole world. It conditions thoughts and behaviour and usually a mistaken and failing attempt to be in the gender role that society attempts to force us into. This whole "people can't stand me" bit is a result of the inner you fighting against the constructed you. People have built in alarms that most don't know they have, They are triggered by certain things, like somebody who is very nervous or who is acting a part. That makes them jumpy and triggers the "fight or flight" inbuilt response. Took me 30 years to get to grips with just being me and not trying to be what I thought people would accept.. either side of the looking glass. Then I didn't trigger those alarms as much and everything suddenly became a lot easier.

You don't find other TG's attractive?, no problem.. neither do I most of the time, not in a sexual/attraction way anyway. I have a thing for military men (*giggles*.. uniforms are hot on a big strong man) But it doesn't stop me following my goals because that's the only way I can have any kind of happiness. i don't look at other TG's and think anything really.. I look in the mirror and think "looking good girl" Then I take a deep breath, run through my mantra "posture-voice-confidence" and go take the day as it finds me. I asked my ex wife once what it was like, and what it meant to be a woman.. she didn't have an answer other than "You just know inside you are" .. hmmm.. Thanks Becky.. most helpful *hahahahahahaha* In our two years of fun and hell I think she secretly wished she had been born a boy, because boys get to do "cool stuff" like fly fighter jets and drive racing cars.. but she was happy with her lot as a woman and wasn't after changing. crazy!

Don't worry about other people.. try to find you. Look at what you like about yourself.. I know I know.. not much at the moment, another classic symptom.. depression and self loathing... and build from there. It's ok to say "this is me.. here I am" even if only inside and to yourself for now. It's obvious to me at least that you are having a lot of problems coming to terms with the way society puts people in boxes. That's cool.. Nobody is 100% anything and there is a place for everybody (though finding that space can be real hard) where we can have value and worth.. A while ago I heard a song by a very pointedly individual musician.. talking about society and it's rules.. "I wasn't born with enough middle fingers".. yup.. I know that feeling too.

Go talk to your counselor about depression and self worth, see if there are any local support groups you can go and meet where you will be safe to talk openly about the problems with people who understand exactly what it feels like. Have a try at just being yourself.. go on.. be a devil, let it all hang out Every day try to do one thing which you like and makes you feel good.. whatever that may be. I like cutting wood for the fire and working on my friends van.. not exactly "girly".. but define "woman" XD

*hugs*

Paula

[Sally]

Well, we've all been there with the self loathing and pretty much all of us (even though most won't admit it out loud) have had the same thoughts about TSes. But only the ones that you know are TS - not all women are beautiful, not all women are tiny and delicate, not all women are particularly feminine. Go to a mall and look around - there will be some beautiful women, some plain women, some ugly women and some that you are just sure are crossdressers - don't say anything because some women are very hairy and large boned and they are very sensitive about it. If you hate being male, but are afraid that you won't look good as a woman - look at the TSes and imagine the courage that it took for them to follow the long and twisting path to become their true selves. Don't judge the book by it's cover - that's how you came to be considered male in the first place. Look to the inner beauty, strength, courage and dignity of these wonderful women.

Gather your courage and if you feel that you must become a woman, don't let any one stand in your way.

Sally

[Guest tsubasa]

You don't find other TG's attractive?, no problem.. neither do I most of the time, not in a sexual/attraction way anyway. I have a thing for military men (*giggles*.. uniforms are hot on a big strong man) But it doesn't stop me following my goals because that's the only way I can have any kind of happiness. i don't look at other TG's and think anything really..

Thanks for your reply.

I'll agree about big strong men in uniform lol if only I didn't immediately think, oops, now I get thrashed lol.

But seriously. I was raised in an environment with a lot of strong homophobia. My dad was the family preacher who taught me about a fire and brimstone god; we didn't go to church because going to church is sinful. I suppose there's no easy way to overcome the disgust I've learned to see TSes with, is there? If my dad saw a crossdresser, he'd make a point to make a remark about how disgusting and morally reprehensible that person was. Is there a way to see being TS as something not-disgusting?

[Guest ChrissyK]

This desire of mine to be female really didn't start until I was probably 11 or 12, but it hasn't gone away.

The desire for me started around the same time, probably 10. Though I haven't started puberty then, I think it was because the gap between both gender roles starts to become wider at that time and it just hit me. Before that, I never did thought of being a girl, I would also go "I am a BOY, not a girl!" when my aunt wanted me to be her little "model" for the dresses she was sewing back when I was 5 or 6. I felt something weird about me, but I never knew what it was until I was 10. I found out that I can't actually fit into any groups. So yeah......I can somehow relate to you, I guess.

[Guest Evan_J]

Welcome.

Everything I'm about to say you''ll probably hear in one way or another from at least one other person here and maybe more. First, there's no "right" way to be a transsexual. Maybe you knew exactly what you were at 4, maybe at 24. Myabe you're showing up on this site still trying to be sure. They are all valid.

Sexual orientation -the gender you find sexually attractive- has nothing to do with being a transsexual. You can be attracted to either, both or neither. Your attractions are not tied to your self identity. Its a separate matter.

A good many people on and off this board have had and some are still having issues with accepting who they're attracted to. Thats ok

A good many people on and off this board have had and some are still having issues with accepting being transgendered and /or a transsexual. That too is ok

A gooooood number of us (on and off the board) have a whoooole lot of baggage courtesy of our parents. Especially the ones who are uber religious whatever that religion might be. You fit right in

I know it wasn't easy for you to admit that you find most transsexual people "unattractive", "disgusting" even. I know it because it wasn't that long ago (maybe a year?) when I could have said a lot of the same thing. I thought they were "odd", "wierd", and "misfittish" looking. Even though I was one myself Thats part of the "conditioning" or to be frank about it "programming" that ultrahomophobes and obsessively "religious" individuals strive to instilll in people, so that in the event that they find they differ from what they've stipulated to be "acceptable" they immediately hate themselves and anyone else who is outside of that picture. Its how they hope to "eliminate" people like us occuring. By teaching us to be so repulsed by ourselves should we discover it that we will deny it and prefer to prostitute ourselves to their way of thinking instead. Strong statement. And I'll stand by it.

I think you did the perfect thing by posting here. Good to meet someone who has enough courage to show their real self. Most peeps have enough warts to supply a small village of frogs -It's just that some folks keep theirs on the inside. And to answer "how do you work through all that you think of TG folk/being trans" ? By doing just what you're doing. Talking about it. Mainly because then you can hear what you're saying/thinking and examine it, the topic, the population, how your parents got you to feel, why they needed that, what it meant,.... a bunch of things.

Hope you enjoy being around here.

Its a good place.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Evan........that was awesome...............

Donna Jean

[Guest lydia]

Evan,

Well said,honestly thats the way most of us either feel or have felt. Thanks for saying it.

Lydia

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I am not an expert, but when you are able to get a few $$$ together, why not see a therapist? I avoided it for years but circumstances forced me - and I was finally - FINALLY - given a sypathetic hearing . I felt the whole world melt off my shoulders. Not knowing how to classify ourself is exatly what most of us here fought, some like me, probably for most of our lives. That in itself should tell you something, I think.

I would like to caution you to not use the yellow pages or even your doctors recommendation on who to see (unless he/she treats gender disphoria - hey, look that up on wikapedia - grin). Find a competent psychologist well versed on transsexual issues - hey, if that isn't you, going to a theapist won't make you one.

Be brutally honest and don't color or make up any stories.

This might even save your life - saved me from dying a slow death. Yeah - go for it...

Oh yes, forgot - google for 'transgender support group' and see if there is one in your area - they usually have a list of therapists they can recommend - if not write and ask the webmaster. A casual phone call to a therapist will tell you if they can help you - and that is free.

Good luck on your journey through life, never give up.

[Guest LauderdaleLady]

By the way, the struggle doesn't end once you've gotten your surgery. I had been working and living as a female for about 20 years, when my whole life was challenged. My father was a Lutheran pastor, so I was raised in the church for all my life. For the longest time I thought that I had a "cross-dressing problem" which I equated with sin. Once I finally got some counselling, I finally came to terms with my gender dysphoria. Before that time I was literally at war with myself. I was trying SO hard to be a normal male, but that "other side" of myself kept coming out. Fortunately, my dad was progressive in his thinking. It took a lot of convincing for Me to believe that God was not a static God, but a God of possibilities. Actually, I guess that I seemed to be trying to convince others of that, but I needed to convince myself of that. I believe that God's hand has been working through the hands of the doctors and scientists who have made it possible for us to do something about the situation. My friends on the Christian Right may not believe it, but I Thank God for the Surgery that changed my body to female!!!

The challenge to my life came from friends on the Christian Right. I had gotten involved with a Christian movement that in my area was becoming dominated by people from the Christian Right. I let one of my friends on the Christian Right know my situation in confidence. I was from the Christian Left and was ready to confront their tenents with the idea of discovering God's truth. From one friend to another person I was passed. I was willing to get "Christian therapy", although I knew that that Church considered all of psychology to be a lie. I went to a couple of Exodus Conferences. I got to know a number of 'ex-gays". I know them to be sincere in their attempt to surrender everything--even their sexuality--to God. I got to know Sy Rogers on a first name basis. I seriously re-examined my decision to change my sex. It took a lot of praying and fasting to get an answer. But I recieved a vision while I was in the shower, of all places. The gist of the vision was that Jesus didn't care about my gender, He just wanted my heart.

A thought just came into my mind. In Micah, it reads: "What does the Lord require of you? But that you live justly and walk humbly with your God." There is no requirement of sexual identity or sexual orientation.

And the "number" that they can do on your soul still affects me today. I'm still fighting feelings of worthlessness. That is a scar on my soul that will not go away, no matter how well I "pass" as a woman. (As you can tell, I'm coming out of a period of depression--and yes, I am taking meds and getting counselling from a real therapist.)

Summing up, the journey may be a hard one. But that doesn't mean that it is not worthwhile.

Keep up your courage,

--Janet

[Guest Amanda L Richards]

HI Tsubasa

I would like to offer a couple of cents on the self loathing. In my life at one time, I found the whole world ugly and hateful. It took many years for me to realize that what you perceive on the outside is only a reflection of what you carry on the inside, or what you harbor for yourself.

It wasn't untill I started to look at what I have and admit that this is who I am instead of going along with the false belief of those around me, that the world actually started to reveal a beauty about it. Then some time later I realized, I don't hate myself anymore, I accept myself and I have found my life to be a little more relaxed and enjoyable because I have stopped fighting myself and my own natural urges and feelings and perceptions.

I don't know if this makes sense to you now but I do know that it miraculously changed my hell into a rising sun.

The work is far from over. I still have anxiety and fear and some self loathing left. I definitely alot of questions yet to be answered.

I know the first thing I had to do was look myself in the eye in the mirror and say I love myself. Trust me, this took quite some time to feel right.

I hope this helps, but that's my experience, you may find another way that resonates with you in a more meaningful way.

Amanda L

[Guest Kelly Ann]

HI Tsubasa,

"The more I look at it, I think that my problem is that I'm a worthless person." I just HAD to Google, out of curiosity, and found that the mineral worth of the human body..."When we total the monetary value of the elements in our bodies and the value of the average person's skin, we arrive at a net worth of $4.50". See there's hope...your worth more than a lot of stocks currently trading on the market!

You mentioned moving out on your own...were you sucessful? This can in and of itself be a major stress with all that entails nevermind having to cope with being concerned with how Society,and yourself, regards your gender assignment.Are you trying to dive in head-first to make up for lost time...remember always this isn't a race/contest and YOU are always the winner in the end.

There isn't any fast or easy way to happiness and that can only come from inside yourself.Think of something that makes you really, really happy...and then close your eyes and discover each and every particle of why this feeling/scene/event,whatever it is,makes you feel this way.Then when the stress levels start to build if you've practiced this properly you won't HAVE to close your eyes anymore...just think this happy thought...the feeling will wash over you and bring a light smile to your face more than likely.This is a little tool to "face it down" when things get tough...it's VERY disarming to those attempting to rankle you...I think of The Mona Lisa...it really works for me. OO Kelly Ann

[Guest eshaver]

Hello All,

As I put this together I'm debating what use posting here even is. Sure. That's a great way to get anyone here to like me.

It seems I can't fit in anywhere. While I realize that I have a ton of problems that aren't related to gender, I keep coming back to my problem with gender. You see, my problem is that for some reason I want to be a woman. I don't know why. My parents made sure I wouldn't be around any girls growing up, so I have no idea what being a woman entails. Now that I'm all grown up, women won't even give me the time of day. And why should they? All I can afford to drive is a moped.

This desire of mine to be female really didn't start until I was probably 11 or 12, but it hasn't gone away. That's probably too old to be considered a transsexual. I wanted to be female so badly, though, that I managed to get my GP to prescribe me female hormones. However, when I tried to pursue getting a referral to an endo, the psychologist I went to said that I'd be better off with a strap-on vagina. I don't fit in at support groups. When I look at other TSes, they all look so disgusting to me. I know, I'm really winning over all of you as friends.

It's to the point where I don't know what to do with myself. I screwed up when I started taking hormones and my parents found out. That was the end of college for me and I went a few thousand dollars into debt attempting to get out on my own.

The more I look at it, I think that my problem is that I'm a worthless person. I guess I don't even know why I'm posting this. I hate myself so much. I had hoped that feeling would go away as I got older, but it's only gotten more and more intense. If I'm not a transsexual, then why do I feel like I have to be female. If I don't know a thing about being a woman and women can't stand me, why would I even want this? I'm in counseling and even that doesn't help.

Tsuba, when you get the chance E-mail me , I wont have all the answers you require but I sincerely want to reach out and help. Ellen Shaver

[Guest shalini]

you are really great in coming out with the truth in you.Iam also in a similar situation and i even dress like a woman and go out in that when iam alone eventhough people look at me in a peculiar manner.No matter come what i want to fullfill my desire to be a woman.I am bound to get dressed like a woman and go around i9n which i find pleasure.

sekar a shalini

Hello All,

As I put this together I'm debating what use posting here even is. Sure. That's a great way to get anyone here to like me.

It seems I can't fit in anywhere. While I realize that I have a ton of problems that aren't related to gender, I keep coming back to my problem with gender. You see, my problem is that for some reason I want to be a woman. I don't know why. My parents made sure I wouldn't be around any girls growing up, so I have no idea what being a woman entails. Now that I'm all grown up, women won't even give me the time of day. And why should they? All I can afford to drive is a moped.

This desire of mine to be female really didn't start until I was probably 11 or 12, but it hasn't gone away. That's probably too old to be considered a transsexual. I wanted to be female so badly, though, that I managed to get my GP to prescribe me female hormones. However, when I tried to pursue getting a referral to an endo, the psychologist I went to said that I'd be better off with a strap-on vagina. I don't fit in at support groups. When I look at other TSes, they all look so disgusting to me. I know, I'm really winning over all of you as friends.

It's to the point where I don't know what to do with myself. I screwed up when I started taking hormones and my parents found out. That was the end of college for me and I went a few thousand dollars into debt attempting to get out on my own.

The more I look at it, I think that my problem is that I'm a worthless person. I guess I don't even know why I'm posting this. I hate myself so much. I had hoped that feeling would go away as I got older, but it's only gotten more and more intense. If I'm not a transsexual, then why do I feel like I have to be female. If I don't know a thing about being a woman and women can't stand me, why would I even want this? I'm in counseling and even that doesn't help.

[Guest Dutchie]

Hi tsubasa,

Welcome!!

It seems I can't fit in anywhere. While I realize that I have a ton of problems that aren't related to gender, I keep coming back to my problem with gender. You see, my problem is that for some reason I want to be a woman. I don't know why. My parents made sure I wouldn't be around any girls growing up, so I have no idea what being a woman entails. Now that I'm all grown up, women won't even give me the time of day. And why should they? All I can afford to drive is a moped.

---8< snip >8---

The more I look at it, I think that my problem is that I'm a worthless person. I guess I don't even know why I'm posting this. I hate myself so much. I had hoped that feeling would go away as I got older, but it's only gotten more and more intense. If I'm not a transsexual, then why do I feel like I have to be female. If I don't know a thing about being a woman and women can't stand me, why would I even want this? I'm in counseling and even that doesn't help.

---8< snip >8---

But seriously. I was raised in an environment with a lot of strong homophobia. My dad was the family preacher who taught me about a fire and brimstone god; we didn't go to church because going to church is sinful. I suppose there's no easy way to overcome the disgust I've learned to see TSes with, is there? If my dad saw a crossdresser, he'd make a point to make a remark about how disgusting and morally reprehensible that person was. Is there a way to see being TS as something not-disgusting?

I can relate to your descriptions so far and by the sound of it you're relatively young (early 20's?). My father wasn't a preacher, but a homophobic or rather xenophobic when it concerns people and an alcoholic. Especially when he had been drinking there was no place for anything that was different from his opinion. (I mean *anything*, if he was of the opinion the moon is flat, even if you drag an encyclopedia out, he still says you're wrong.)

Anything shown different than how I should be in *his* mind was either approached with thread of violence, verbal psychological abuse or (thankfully in rare cases) physical violence.

I didn't 'feel' female until the moment I started to be aware of the the things other boys and girls liked. I didn't fit in as a boy with the boys and neither with the girls (after all, "girls don't play with boys!". I didn't understood, my parents weren't interested to say the least. Even then I didn't understand myself, let alone talk to someone about it. Besides that, my father made sure I grew up as a boy, "men act like this, men don't do that, men don't like this and so on and so forth". Needless to say I still regularly hear his voice in my head.

But life taught me one thing, even though we do feel "worthless", we're Rich! We're at an era where we can communicate and learn from others. We're in the unique position to experience life whilst either changing or temporarily going from gender into the other. We're all different and yet belong to the same group society pushed us into. In my opinion there are as many variations in Transgender as there are Transgendered people (in this case I refer to transgendered as anyone falling into the non-binary category of society). I do recognize the feeling of not fitting in, maybe it is because you're first of all a woman, then what you represent in the society.

I do hope you'll find your way and place. Whether it's as woman, TS, TG, TV, CD, asexual, bi-gendered or whatever, no matter which direction you'll head, you're worth living your life to the fullest! You don't *have* to be attracted to others like you or me, attraction/liking is a weird thing.

And concerning your psychologist, I think I would go find one who does understand your issues.

I hope this helps in finding your way!

[Guest Cait]

Wow, you sound really sad inside about being "gender confused"!

I enjoyed all the insight the others added to your comment, having contacted Exodus myself!

All I can add is how bad I sense that you are hurting!

This is is a situation that is not at all hopeless.

Being in my thirties now, I remember being a 20 year old virgin, I was almost 21 when

I did sleep with a girl one night, and it was horrible!

I used to think girls didn't like me very much or at all when I was young.

now, I find women are very much into me when I speak to them on a personal level.

My relationships are much more focused on friendship and having a good time.

Sounds like you feel a lack of validation in your self-esteem department and are comparing

yourself to your friends or men your age.

This is made even worse by feeling you are the wrong gender!

I'm just now into the first few months of trying to obtain Hormones through different doctors

and I'm saddened you obtained them, and still have a struggle!

I have come to the conclusion in my own mind and spirit that i wish to appear as much as possible as a female.

This is a permanent decision on my part, and being raised in a very religious home, quite a struggle for me.

My college tuition is paid for by grant , so my family can't control my finanaces.

They will give me food sometimes, but I guess the TG issue seems to bother my Mother alot

who always said she wanted a daughter. Well, be careful what you wish for!

When I was 20 my parents kicked my out of the house for cross dressing and smoking inside.

the smoke would set off the fire alarms in their home late at night.

My Father said I could go live in California with the other freaks!

This sort of stuff makes me look back and chuckle

What I mean to say is...it really didn't matter in the end how my family felt about me

or girls

or doctors

Deep inside I felt and still feel mostly like a woman!

That is the turning point you have to come to.

Except yourself as you really are.

My mother and father have no monopoly over God, and neither does society or the Exodus foundation, for that matter.

I feel horrible that you still feel torn about your gender, it makes me feel bad for you!

Truly, I believe you need to search your soul and even spend years feeling the waters.

Spent from the age of 4 or 5 to the age of 20 cross dressing until I realized it wasn't a fetish.

I had no information other than word of mouth from people I felt I could ask in deep secrecy about hormones

and sex changes!

Looking back, I might have been given a reassignment approval at that time, age 20, 21

yet, now, a decade later, I'm much more informed about what i'm doing and at peace with myself.

I think you should look to make your peace with the universe or the God of your beliefs or your inner self!

One video on Youtube has a Post-op girl being given "aversion therapy" by some Christians folks...

Think of how bad She must feel!

had a sex change and now "aversion therapy"

some of these people are doing more harm than good to Tg men and women

follow your gut instincts

you can't reverse alot of hormone therapy effects, and certainly not a reassignment.

I just look at it as:

"This is what I want, I'm going to get it, if you can't help me: get out of my way, and best of luck to you!"

you have to accept yourself

... if the "aversion therapy" episode doesn't show you how wacky the gender professionals are...

this is a person who has had a sex change operation BTW...

you've got to do what is going to make your life enjoyable!!

You need to be aware that not everyone will accept you

Myself personally, I'm in college, earning my degree

when I skip the state to a more TG friendly enviroment after

graduation

someone will hire me to nurse the elderly

even if I take a drastic reduction in wages, I still had my sex change

and if my family doesn't like me, oh well

Myself personally I just ease into my transition:

I saw where it might go rough around the edges so I remove all body hair on a regular basis

have earrings

apply makeup

have fashion magazine subscriptions

buy dresses online

study women to walk, talk and respond like they do

lots of stuff you can do to take the stress out of transforming into the gender of your conviction

If you study several early TG people like April Ashley for example

not alot of family support there at all

sorry for the long reply but I see myself reflecting back at me, in your comment, when I was younger, and my heart goes out to you

no one helped me put all these pieces together, it took lots of reading and soul- searching and a few good friends

there is always hope for anyone with a gender identity problem

and what's so bad about being a girl/woman anyway?

seems like a worthy cause to join up with

Never exclude the idea that people you get advice from are

1. Crazy--my Mom comes to mind

2. really don't care one way or the other---most doctors, society

3. Unhealthy people look for the things in others that remind them of their own self hatred and project it on to others because it is too

much self correction to admit or realize they don't like who they are!

that may be a major break through for you to come to like who you are and stop trying to please others, who may in fact not be able to be pleased!!!!

by you or anyone else

---Cait---

a rather mellow and happy trangender lady

saddened by "aversion therapist" and

the need to dye my roots

think i will just try highlights in the future =]