My Story So Far...

[Guest Gibby]

Here it is. Sorry it's so long, but this is only a brief summary of my life up until now.

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I was born on an unveventful day in 1993. Ever since that day, for as long as I can remember, I have wondered what it would be like to have been born a girl. I grew up in a part of one city where every family I knew was so ultra-conservative that they viewed reading Harry Potter as a sin. Thus, I learned from family and friends that it was a sin to not be content with your body or your sex’s place in society - that those who were attracted to those of the same sex and those who wished to change their own sex were committing offenses against God. My family eventually grew out of some of this and allowed me to read Harry Potter, but the teachings that I had learned at an early age still remained imprinted on me. I thought that I was being a bad son by wishing to be a girl and thus kept those feelings hidden deep inside.

When my family moved to where I currently live in the later elementary school, I expected a very similar life. Boy, was I wrong. The public school atmosphere opened up my old intolerant self and injected a healthy dose of acceptance to both me and my family. While many of the things that I mentioned earlier were still holding me down, I was beginning to change myself.

The thing that finally pushed me towards figuring out who I was was my 9th grade AP Government class. I took it with a group of extremely liberal and tolerant others and began to wonder if maybe my parents had been wrong. I had always been a religious person throughout my childhood, and I had occasionally prayed about wanting to be a girl since at least kindergarten age, both asking God if it was okay and begging to wake up the next day as a girl. God finally began to answer the first prayer in this class. I found a new word to call myself, “transgender,” and while the “values” pounded into me made me unsure of whether I really was or even wanted to be called this, it introduced me to a new world.

It bears mention at this time that I have had various experiences throughout my life that have forced me to my present realization. I remember secretly loving to try on the dresses my Mom made me wear in elementary school in order to size them for another female friend who was exactly my size. I remember multiple times being told by my sisters and parents that something I liked “was not normal for boys.” One experience that has stuck with me up to this day is when a family friend a year older than me told me that I was more like a girl than most guys, though she made sure to tell me that this was not necessarily a bad thing. All of these had been building up to a length of time that would force me to accept myself, because not doing so would drive me to depression.

At the end of my junior year, I ran into a completely unforeseen problem. All through my school years I had never had any problems with getting into trouble; the most I had gotten into being a detention for having my cell phone out in freshman year. One day, I made a mistake that I will not go into greater detail over and ended up suspended and in jail. I was bailed out by my parents and I went to bed that night, texting a friend and letting her know everything about me, including that I believed that I might be transgender. Throughout the summer, among court dates and meetings with the school board to decide my fate, I thought a bit about being transgender. I prayed so much over the summer, mostly asking for help in surviving the troubled time I was in, but still asking more than ever if I was sinning or not to be transgender. My answer came in the first trimester of the next year.

The first trimester of my senior year I took my school’s Sociology class. The unit on gender identity proved to me undoubtedly that I was transgender in so many ways that I could not possibly recount them all. I wanted to talk to the teacher about it so many times, but I was scared to as I didn’t want to risk being discovered no matter what. During this time I prayed even more, and believed even more that I was transgender and that this was how God made me. Although I still questioned myself occasionally, I overall believed that I was transgender, and I would soon never question it again.

In the last few days, I have for some reason prayed more and thought more over this topic than ever before. I have completely accepted myself as transgender. I still have told nobody except this except for the one friend who has since isolated herself from most of society, and I plan to never let my family know, possibly excepting my more accepting sisters. I have a girlfriend and a group of friends that is very accepting, and I hope to have the courage to at least let my girlfriend know soon. I am very scared about how others may see me if I “come out,” and I know that for sure my extended family would disown me if they knew. My parents may be more accepting, especially with the knowledge that I have prayed over it for so long, but I am not sure if the risk is worth it.

P.S.: I have not cried for a long time, not even when my favorite uncle died of cancer in his early 30’s, but I cried while writing this down. Thanks again for taking the time to read it.

P.P.S.: There is a lot more to this story, but I was trying to keep the length reasonable. Let me know if you would like to read more.

[Guest Kelly-087]

I had similar feelings.

Nights where I'd go to bed, wishing I woke up a female. Even if just magically.

I even prayed a few times for it to happen. Even though I don't believe in god. Which I find really depressing.

[Guest Gibby]

It's nice to finally have people to relate to. Thanks for your comment.

[Carolyn Marie]

Thanks so much for posting this, Gibby. I can see that you put a lot of work, and a lot of heart, into it. It's always great to get to know new members.

I'm not sure how realistic it is to think you can live your life and never let your family know, unless you plan to stay in the closet your whole life. At some point, if we are going to be true to ourselves, we all find the courage to come out.

We'll help you on this journey all we can. Stick with us, because we understand.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Gibby]

I currently am planning a day for coming out in which I will hand my parents personalized letters and then walk out (allegedly for swimming or something like that, but saying in the opening of the letters that they shouldn't go looking for me there because I am not there).

My friends have helped me immensely through this, as has the Sociology teacher I mentioned in the article above. Even if they can't relate, they can listen, comfort, and encourage me, and that is often the biggest help.

I may have to edit the post above to reflect this later, but I have to go to school now.

[KathrynJulia]

Gibby: Your heart touched mine and your letter poured out so much pain. All of us understand you because all of us feel that pain and it often began around age 5 through 7. Many of us had parents who could and would not understand. Mine sent me to a psychologist who terrified me, called me every rotten name he could think of and showed me hideous pictures of ugly men in drag and asked me if that was what I wanted to turn out as. Gibby, you are carrying a huge load on your shoulders for someone so young and you need help. Professional help that a Certified Gender therapist can give you. Their advice on how to talk to parents and siblings and friends and employers is invaluable. They will advise you when this should be done. They will also be with you as you start your transitional journey. Our journey of transition is often psychologically difficult and having someone you can pour your heart out and who can help and advise you is invaluable. Meet with a therapist first before you out yourself to your family and friends. Do you have access to your families health insurance card? Do you have a job? Or you can find a therapist and tell your mom a little white lie that you are struggling with personal things that you need therapy dealing with and that you want to see this therapist. No parent is going to deny a child who comes seeking help. If they pry, you can tell them a little that you are struggling with sexual things that you are too embarrassed to talk to them about. With a Gender Therapists diagnosis that you are transexual and with written materials that she will furnish you with, that is the time to discuss this with your parents. You can include your therapist in the discussion with your parents. Your outcomes have a better chance of successif it it is address by an expert who can explain that we don't choose this, we are born with it. A pill or a magic wand won't fix it. That it never goes away, but gets stronger and stronger. That there are two routes to choose from. Transition or die. I'm a parent and that would get my attention. I love my children and I have already charged hell with only a glass of water for them. Please think about my advise as I don't want you ostracized and hurt by your family because they are ignorant of the facts that you can't change without their help and understanding. I sending a parent's love to you Gibby. Love Katheryn

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Gibby,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Gibby]

Thank you all for your support. My life has been going so amazingly right now that I could never have expected it. I can't wait to tell my parents and hopefully they will understand fine (everyone else that I've told has).