Hi

[Guest oceaninmysoul]

Hey everyone,

Just thought I'd share my story as my first post on this forum.

I'm a 23 y/o mtf struggling with GID for all my life. I can remember pretty clearly that from a young age I was confused about my gender. I knew I was a boy but someone I wanted to be a girl. My childhood was pretty boring, aside from my weird and sensitive personnality. I remember being so curious about my mom and sister's clothings and that's about it. When I was 11, I was sitting on the couch with my family and it striked me: when I grow up, I was going to do anything to become a women. Of course, at that point I didn't know anything about transgenderism but that thing felt right.

A couple months later, there was an ad for a documentary on transgenders. I pretty much stopped breathing and got all excited because it was putting words on feelings I've always experienced. That documentary totally changed my life: I learned that not only there were other people experiencing what I've felt but that there were medical procedures to help me fix this. I tried to come out to my parents, who weren't really responsive. My mom told me that I could live as a boy even if I didn't feel boyish and that she wanted a boy and had one. My dad told me that these things were done to give someone the apperance of the other gender and that it was a serious mental illness.

After that, I begin experimenting with feminine clothing, always bringing anger from my parents who always warned me that one day they would bring me to a shrink. In high school, I would become a bit more subtile with my choices to stay low-profile from them. We've pretty much avoided the subject since then.

High School sucked. I got bullied and was the biggest loner of the school. I hung out with some girls, confirming that everything was wrong with me. Being in a rural region, I never found any help but before graduating, it became very clear that once I moved to another city, I would seek help.

And I did move and never found help. I was struggling in college and ended up dropping every single project I had to take drugs and party. I felt numb and there was a female voice in my head telling me to wait and that she would come back. Around the same time, I met my current girlfriend with who I've been for the last couple of years. She helped me get back on track and I pretty much decided that I was over with all that gender --Censored Word--.

It's always came back and everytime I would get to the point that I could not take it anymore, I was going so crazy that I've purged my feelings once again, only to try to play the male game. For weeks at a time, I could not see anyone, ignored any invitation and stayed in my apartment, being myself.

I moved again, in another city, with my girlfriend, thinking it was the solution. This has only brought me to struggle with depression, alcoholism and professional burn-out. I would drink 4-5 times a week, sometimes from as early as noon, until I could not take any more alcohol. During the last weeks at my old job, as soon as I got off, I went to the liquor store, bought beer and drank. I hated my life, my job and became numb once again. After being diagnosed with depression and burn-out I felt like it was the sign that I had to accept myself, something I did try but that eventually went away as I saw the amount of work that I had to do, let's choose the easy path right? These feelings came much stronger last fall. I would sleep an hour or two and eat one meal every two days. I tried to let know my parents that there was something wrong and my mom basically bypassed the gender subject. I shaved my head and tried to piece back everything together.

I went back to college for a semester and things were going well. I still felt like a zombie in the middle of a crowd, but thought it was because of my personnality, now my GID.

The feelings came back. Stronger than ever since the last 48hrs. The singer of one of my favorite bands came out as a transgender. I felt like I was 12 again: I stopped breathing and could not control myself or my thoughts. My gender identity has never felt this right and there are some things that can help me look up for the future.

I'm moving away for the summer, alone, in a real city where there are gender therapists. I plan to get as many appointments as I can during that period so I can solve this puzzle once and for all. I really can't take this stuff anymore. Hopefully, I'll get as much time as possible to experience with my true self, figure out the therapy stuff, move back for the fall and start transitioning sooner than later.

Anyways, sorry for the rant. I've been in a weird mood for the last days, my appetite is down, my sleep pattern is going crazy again, I can't stand anyone.

[Carolyn Marie]

Hello, hon, and welcome to the Playground. Your story is very similar to mine and so many others, although I'm much older. But the feelings and desires and dreams are very much the same. You're among friends here who understand what you're going thrugh, and will help you.

Your plan to seek a gender therapist is an excellent one, and one we usually recommend. In the Resource Pages here you will find information on gender therapists, by state.

Please look around the forums and post wherever you like and ask any question you want to. We have a forum for folks with problems with alcohold and drugs, too, and Chat Moderators who can help you through a crisis. I do ask all our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, because they are important in keeping the site safe.

I look forward to hearing more from you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest oceaninmysoul]

Thank you so much for your welcome message. It's been a rough journey but I hope to be able to do things right from now on.

[Guest Lani]

Thank you very much for telling us some of your life story you have some major courage!!

It's just simply lovely to meet you!!

Your NOT alone, your NEVER alone!!

I am SUPER DUPER EXCITED to hear more from YOU in the future!!

The people in the playground are simply great people, if more people were "like" them then the world would be a MUCH, MUCH better place for EVERYONE... You will make a lot of good friends!!

Keep your head up to the sky & smile you have a lovely life ahead of you!!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

[MaryEllen]

Hello oceaninmysoul,

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

MaryEllen

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Oceaninmysoul,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna