Feeling Overwhelmingly Insecure

[Flint]

I know this is gonna sound stupid and i know there is more to life than what is in my pants but i'm so insecure right now. when i was little i used to pray that i'd be a real boy i used to pray to god even though i never elieved in god truly i was so desperate i used to get down on my knees noremally near bath time if i remember correctly i would kneel beside the bath and cry to god and pray that he make me a boy and i remember not understanding why i wasn't like the other boys and well basicly....I've always had a problem with what i have got down tehre...I mean what i havent got..and it hit me tonight how insecure i am when i went off on one wit ha friend and basicly went offline to curl up in a ball and cry and jiust like when i was a little child i put my hands together and started crying praying that i wanted him to make me a real man and asking him why he put me in this body..I aint done that in a long while recently i have noticed my insecurities growing it's like i[m going back in time i stopped praying cause it didn't work and it seems i'm trying it all over again...and i even have an urge to do many other things i did when i was little all related to gender.....All embarrasing things. I can't or at last i don't feel able to buy a packer but right now ijusty wanna stuff tissues down tehr elike i used to. the reason i can't buy a packer? well my sister is here all the time i can't order one and it be delived with the fear someone else will get the package....haha package is funny considering whats in the package....Packer in a package....Yea...Okay....I has a crap sense of humor yea...does anyone else find themsleves ever going back in time almost to child habits to do with gender?

[Guest Evan_J]

No, I haven't found myself doing actions that I did as a small kid but I can feel you. It might have acually been in a different post by you that toilet tissue in the pants to give the feeling of having a penis as a kid got mentioned and I right then had the memory of doing that. One that I'd forgotten. Most likely wanted to forget. It was a very hard feeling for me to deal with when I remembered it. I got to see how "larger than life" it was at the time. Amazing that I could not remember it before hearing it. So, I have some definate sympathy with being thrown back to some earlier feelings. I also can feel ya on the prayin (ok begging) to God for change to male physicality....I actually did a bit of that today. "Why would you be doing that", someone will ask, "if you're on T?" Because being on T doesn't mean I have all the other stuff and the road at points still seems long and theres still doctors to work things out with/find/make appts too, moments of feeling "tired", scared, angry, frustrated......so the moment you get on T its not just a 24/7 blissfully happy cakewalk lol. Yes, its better, there's progress, but we're still human and in transition, instead of post-transition. And lets not talk about stressing about the $ -oy lol. Cuz thats the biggest most reoccuring thought in the brain.

See, you're not stupid for any of your thoughts. If you're stupid then I must be the heir to idiot because I'm being neurotic and insecure And if you want to focus on "manhood insecurity" via the penis.....quiet as its kept.....I don't pack either. (I did love the "package" joke, just so you know) And although I haven't ordered one its not like there aren't .....lemme count em and be real.....seven direct shortcut links on my desktop to ones I looked at, Tubing info, cuz at a certain point I started feeling like the only way I'd come up with a pack that totally satisfied me was to make one. And the ever famous info on the pumping because hey, truely enhancing the given stuff is actually the ultimate "packer" right? So tell me again which one of us is spendin a awful lot of time worrying about his schwong? LOL

I hope you at least giggled at my overly-penile-thinkin self so that if nothin else you can realize, its not just you, and there's nothing wrong with you, and really -though you may be sad and we with you weren't- you're no different from anyone in this situation.

[Guest Jackson]

Oh, I was feeling pretty insecure last night.

Although this process for me as been really scarily smooth and easy, I get really bummed out that no matter what, this whole process won't get me where I really want to be. A man. Not truly. And I really try not to think about it. I avoid it. Which really is what gets my therapist because she's trying to break me of that.

And actually, I don't usually pack either. Because really and truly, does any male notice his package? It's like wearing glasses. Once you're used to them, you don't even notice that they are there. It's the same kind of thing. I only notice it when I think about it. And when I do pack, I really never think about it really. Now, I do have periods of time where I do pack and that it really is important to me. And then there is the rest of the time when I'm way way too d**m busy to even think about it. At the rate my life is going (overtime at work, grad school, real life, hobbies, friends) that I don't even have time for my injections. Heck, I was supposed to do it last night. I put it off and told myself I'd do it this morning before work. This morning I put it off telling myself I'd do it tonight when I got home from work. And now I'm considering putting it off again.

I'm thinking that I will start packing as soon as I finally finish getting my wardrobe converted over which should be in the next few days to a week. But as you can see, I do very well at procrastination. So we'll see.

But it'll never really be the real thing.