Confused and looking for help

[Guest Snowfire]

Hi Everyone,

I'm Snowfire, Snow to a couple of close friends, and Cameron to almost everyone else. I've been agonising over how to write this post for the past few days. I was just talking with a couple of friends, and one suggested that I just copy and past the conversation and go from there. So here it is:

ME: Questioning who I am. Since I was about 6-7 I have always had thoughts that I should have been born a girl. They would only come maybe once or twice a year. Until Last year, when a good friend of mine convinced me to but a gothic skirt. Then they really started coming thick and fast. I refuse to wear trousers now. I seem to only wear my kilt when I'm at work. All the rest of the time I wear my skirt.

FRIEND: There's nothing wrong with that.

I grew up with the opposite outlook on life, if it helps any.

Part of me is still convinced I'm a guy. I have dreams about being a guy with -all- the trappings.

I feel awkward in female clothing.

ME: *nods* I have a couple of friends who know all this. And a slightly larger group who know it as me going down the androgyny path. But I just don't know what I want to do.

There is no way in hell I can tell my family about it. At least, not until I know what I am goingto do

FRIEND: I think at the end of the day, family are on a 'need to know' basis until we work out what they need to know.

I guess that is pretty much it, boiled down to a few sentences. I'm 24 years old, was born male, and live in New Zealand. I've been reading quite a few different posts on here, and from what I can tell, my next step is to track down a therapist who has GT qualifications and talk to them. Only problem is, I don't know if I could afford to do this (money is tight, and I am looking for a new job).

I have days where I wake up feeling like a guy, and will go to sleep feeling like a guy, Other times, I will wake up feeling feminine and go to sleep feeling feminine. And occassionaly, I'll wake up a guy and halfway through the day, suddenly feel feminine.

I don't really know what else to say. I guess just that I am happy to have found a forum like this one. And that if anyone has any questions, please, just ask.

Thanks,

Snowfire

[MaryEllen]

Hello Snowfire,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[Charlize]

Hi Snowfire, welcome and thanks for sharing with us. Its amazing to know we are not alone and others have had the strength to go on. Sounds like you have a plan. Give it time. Changes are often gradual, often fast. Accept things as they occur and your ride may be easier and you will certainly have more inner peace.

Hugs, Charlie

[JJ]

Hi snow-Welcome to the forums. Beautiful name.

When I first realized that what I felt had a name I also felt part female and that it would always be there.I had learned to judge and value from a female perspective. Was socialized with female values and to have tossed those one day would have left a huge void. Over time the female part of me has slowly-and mostly but not all painlessly-slipped away. There is a broad spectrum. Many men have a female side and learn to embrace it. Many women have male traits and interests and embrace that as well. Many, many of us are a mix and fit all along the spectrum. Some are balanced between. Time has revealed to me that I'm pretty much all male. That's fine. So is anywhere you are on the spectrum. But it is a slow process of self discovery.

A gender therapist can save you untold misery and confusion in figuring all this out. It's one of the reasons we so strongly recommend seeing one. It is important it be a gender therapist because they are not there to resolve or treat a mental issue as a regular therapist is but to guide you through the process of realizing who you are and doing what is necessary for you as an individual to live a full and happy life. Many regular therapists can be as ignorant about gender issues and as prejudiced as the general public and that can be disastrous. Not always the case but it can be.

We will be happy to share our opinions and experiences with you. Please feel free to post as much as you want in any forum whether asking questions, expressing opinions or sharing experiences. We are a PG-13 moderated site. You will have access to the PM system and profiles after 5 posts.

If you have not already done so, please read the "Terms and Conditions" page, the link to it can be found near the lower right of most any Forum page. Due to the special nature of Laura's it isn't the standard T & C but something you really need to read to make it easier for everyone. Thanks.

I enjoyed your introduction and look forward to your posts!

Johnny

[Guest KiraM]

Snowfire,

Welcome and I lope you find the help you are seeking here.

I look forward to hearing more from you.

Kira

[Guest again]

Hi Snowfire,

Welcome to Laura's. I'm not sure what the health system is like in NZ, but in Canada some provinces have Transhealth covered by the provincial health plans. My son was able to access a great therapist with a lot of experience in the transgender community, so he was very fortunate that way. However, his family doctor---who he found through word of mouth--is a wonderful woman (I met her a few months ago) who has a natural affinity for the trans community. If NZ doesn't cover therapy but does cover a general practitioner, that may be your best bet to start with. Good luck!