Identity issues.

[Guest Weaver]

Some of you may have read my introduction post, it's over here > http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=45227

It will relate to the things I bring up in this post. I don't really know where to start with it all, and it's a long read.

You can skip to 'now' by scrolling down.

For a long time, I don't know how long, I've felt that I would like to have been born a girl instead of a man.

Sometimes it's something akin to autogynophilia (or however it's spelled) and other times it's a sharp dysphoria.

Even though I have a really strong grip on my emotions and ability to restrain them, the feelings of depression have sometimes made me cry.

It is a rare occasion that I cry, because it means something has broken through every defence that I have.

In October this year, it will be two years since me, my sister and my parents moved to the house we now live in.

Before that we had lived in an apartment for 4 years. Living there almost killed me, not because of the dysphoria or because

my parents are unaccepting of me. They know and it's not a problem for them.

My sister was the main issue. I've long been a person who has not stood up for myself and she had a number of psychological issues. (Panic attacks, obsessive personality disorder, hyper-awareness)

This did not go well for me, because then I was an average teenager who liked to play loud music and electric guitar.

It did not work well with my sister. It's silly really, when thinking back on it. I was still very much a child then.

The problem was with volume, I was never allowed to disturb her in any way, shape or form.

I don't know why, but I began feeling strong anxiety whenever she asked me to turn down the volume.

I became very afraid of her, and she would never relent and let me have any space, otherwise she'd bring our parents into it.

They did not like that I disturbed her, because they reasoned that she needed the space because she was ill.

I don't know how I made it through the first three years of swedish highschool on 5 hours of sleep, and almost no space at home.

I probably did it through my friends, I spent a bunch of time away from home. It was my reprieve.

During this time I had the occasional thought (from when I was 14 or 15) that I would like to have been born female more than being born male.

Sweden has a very different school system, after our highschool we study at something called "Gymnasium". It has nothing to do with physical exercise

and more to do with studying more specialized courses. I went to Sinclair, a gymnasium for different kinds of arts. Acting, painting, music and other things.

Soon the world came crashing down on me, sometime in October I became depressed. School did not work out because I was not ready to go to Sinclair, and because of how it worked at home.

The anxiety piled up and I felt like I had less and less living space at home. It felt like I was only allowed to eat and sleep there. Internal conflicts raged and I confided in spiritual pipe dreams, they eased the pain. School did not work out, I did not function, and home did not function.

The feelings that I'd like to have been born female developed into feeling that I should have been born female then.

All hell broke loose on Sinclair. I was angry at myself at first and began harming myself. I pushed needles through my left arm. I stopped with that when I understood that I wasn't the problem, my sister was. My rage turned to her and the family. Both my personality and conditioning I've received makes me think that anger is tabu, it's destructive and doesn't do any good ever. I soon stayed up until 3 or 4 in the morning thinking "Should I hang the dog over the balcon and then take a knife and stab my sister until she doesn't move anymore?".

I was beginning to get homicidal/suicidal. Reprieve came when I jumped off the Sinclair programme and decided to start anew. I spent the whole summer after that year on Sinclair thinking about things. For 2 months I cleared up that my spiritual part was just a pipe dream, escapism. I threw that part of me away. Before summer I had joined an otherkin forum to get some answers to the spirituality thingie.

I found lots of very lovable people on that forum, and thanks to them and some other people I didn't kill myself or my sister.

I began watching Carl Sagan's Cosmos and lots of other documentaries, it really brought back the life in me. If only he was still alive today.

So I started on a new school and met lots of great people and moved to where I live now. Began to get depressed again in spring.

Cussed my sister out because one of the conditions of moving was that I was to be able to play my music through good speakers, play games and guitar, without problems.

She tried to pull the same crap that she did in the apartment. My parents had then acknowledged the problem. They still didn't know how deep it ran.

During this year I had no gender dysphoria if I remember correctly. I can't say for sure since my platter was quite full at the moment. I did experience it on Sinclair but with the same "Should've been born as a woman" feeling. It disturbed me, but didn't really feel like it made me more depressed than I already was.

Fast forward to august. The summer after the first year on that school has gone by. It was a monday that I had my mental breakdown. I just, broke. The emotional weight of all the things I'd gone through with the apartment and Sinclair hit me like a ton of bricks. I was listening to a song with a friend. We'd been talking about it and I just.. crashed. I gave out a loud scream and began crying. I went over to my door (I have two, one leads to the street, that was the one I went to) and opened it and held my left hand over my eyes and cried. I thought "Pull yourself together" and I did.

When I walked over to the door, I'd almost continued walking out, in the rain, with just jeans, a shirt and my socks. It was tops 10 degrees celsius outside.

That night was the weirdest I've ever experienced. It was as if I was separated from my emotions. I didn't feel them, but I acted as if I felt them. I don't know how to explain it other than "It was like an emotion, but it didn't feel like anything". It wasn't hollowness or the regular 'nothing'. I was completely neutral inside.

I left home for a while and came back, things got taken care of and my parents recognized the crap they and my sister had caused me and the family bonds began healing again.

It took a while for my sister to understand what she'd put me through since she didn't care about how she affected us.

Things were beginning to get better with me. and that was about 8 months ago. School has failed completely this year. I have almost no attendance, but It's alright. I gained myself back.

Now:

Now I've began breaking apart again due to my identity issues. I don't know what I am, male or female.

During this year, my dysphoria has been stronger, especially after I've been with a friends with benefits I have.

It just doesn't feel like I am of the right gender when I am with her. It doesn't feel like my body always reflects what I feel on the inside.

I think I switch between apathy and dysphoria. When I think that I should have breasts I get sad.

I don't understand myself. I don't look at other women and think "I want to be that woman."

I just think "I want/should be a woman.".

I think the reason that I haven't really had any strong dysphoria is probably because my platter has been full and I just couldn't concentrate

on anything else because everything's been crashing down on me for the last two years. I just couldn't think about it as much as I did

with the other problems. I still thought about it, but not as much about that as with the family problems.

Part of the time I think HRT would allow me to reflect who I really am, the other part feels like I don't really care about it at all.

I don't know what parts of me to trust.

When I was 6 I dressed up in a dress and ballet shoes with really low heels. It didn't feel like anything special other than clothes.

I got teased by two other boys in my class for that. I don't remember if they just laughed at me or what happened.

Clothes are secondary to what I feel, they do not represent me in the same way as if I went with HRT.

Of course there is a sexual aspect to it, but that's not as important as removing the feeling of being 'down'.

I know I need to see a specialist about this, and I will search for one. I just think I needed to get this off my chest.

I've talked to my parents about it, and they accept me. I've also talked to one of my closest friends about it and he accepts me for who I am.

I am happy to have such good parents and friends, I only wish I could stop wishing that I was never born.

[Guest HeatherAnne]

It is great that your parents are so accepting of who you are. You sound like you are already on the right track to finding out who you really want to be. I know that my gender issues made school especially hard for me, it is not an easy thing to live with. Therapy will help immensely with that.

Therapy should also help with the problems you are having with your sister as well. Good luck, and welcome to the forums!

[Guest Weaver]

It's not the gender identity issues that made school hard for me, rather it was the mentality at home that didn't allow me practicing my instruments or listening to music.

I became extremely depressed because of that. I didn't have time for the gender identity issues then, I was too consumed by the problems at home.

They became more of a side issue that wasn't factored in as much since they weren't going to kill me at that time.

I am aware that many transgendered kill themselves. Whilst this is a quite big problem for me, and it hinders me from continuing school, it's not a colossal problem

that threatens my very existence, as the conditions at home was.

My sister and I have since 6-7 months back solved our problems and can now talk and laugh together without hurt feelings or suppressed rage.

My relationship with my family is good, everything has been resolved.

The only thing left is this inner struggle.

[Guest HeatherAnne]

The inner struggle is very difficult. I have tried lots of different things, but so far nothing has given me the same peace as just accepting who I am and working towards getting my mind and body synched up. I can't say what that means for you. I am not a therapist, but I can say that my experience with my GT (three sessions so far, two different therapists) have gone a long way towards getting me that peace. For the first time since before I could remember, I was able to smile unguardedly. And I haven't even had HRT yet (though I hope to start soon!).

From your other post, you are young so you have tremendous opportunities. I do not know how it works in Sweden, though, but I would try and find a trans support group in the area at the very least. That ought to help immensely.