Wow, talk about a fall

[Guest Melissamb43]

In the matter of hours, I managed to lose everything that was near and dear to me. I went searching for my two sons who I have not seen in over 20 years. I found them. They are 25, 23 respectively. I was thrilled when I found them, and when we met, I discussed everything with them. Why I wasn't around, etc. We got along great. I found they were very supportive of my transgender issues, and everything was fine...until. My boys and I started drinking, smoked a lil weed, and we were playing having a good time. I was dancing and playing with my boys and wound up in a wrestling match. I weigh 160 at 5' 10. My boys are 5'8 and both are around 180 to 200. Both very muscular and very well built. I am a proud mom. Anyway, things got way out of hand, and I ended up having to defending myself the only way I knew how. I was pinned, and I was in a lot of pain, so I bit and scratched them. My youngest ended up calling the cops, and I went to jail for domestic violence. My girlfriend at the time, found out I went to jail, was drinking and she said enough, we're done. I was almost 100 miles from home. I could not go back to my sons, and I had to walk back to my home town. I lost everything, I had no money, no id, no cell phone, and the only number I had memorized was my girlfriends number, who wanted nothing to do with me anymore. So, I began walking. I was released from jail with what I had on when arrested. Sports bra, hoodie, and my pajama bottoms, and a pair of socks. The jail supplied me with a pair of flip flops, and I had gone maybe 5 miles or so when my feet started to bleed. I got off the hi-way, and found a pair of shoes. They were way to big on me, were soaked, but, it was better than what I had, so I got back on the hi-way. I made it another 15 miles before I coudn't go any further. It was now dark, I was wet, cold, and totally alone. A cop spotted me, and came up to me, and they dropped me off at a truckstop. Least it was warm. Some gentleman asked me if I was okay, and I told him what had happened and that I was stranded. He handed me 10 dollars, and I got a hot cup of coffee, and called my girlfriend. She finally relented, and said she would come and get me. About an hour and a half later she shows up. I get in, and she brings me back to my home town. Dropped me off at the crisis center. The crisis center evaluated me, and then seen how bad off I was, and brought me to the hospital. They checked me in, and immediately they went to work. My right kidney had failed, I was extrememly dehydrated, and my muscles were breaking down, producing an enzyme that was shutting down my kidneys. I was in a bad way, but didn't know it. I spent the next couple of days in the hospital, getting my systems working. When I came around, I was faced with being homeless for the first time in my life. I had nothing or no one to go to. My family was not really an ally, but when push came to shove, my sister brought me home from the hospital. I never felt so alone in my life. I got online, and found a friend I had not seen in quite awhile. She told me I could stay with her, so the next day, my sister dropped me off there. She did not want me living with her due to my alcoholism. I don't blame her. I go to my friends. She's in an old 70's trailer home. No heat, no hot water. I swear, I thought I was in a 3rd world country. It was dismal. I needed resources, and where my friend lived, there was none. I needed to get back to my sisters house, if she would let me stay there, I could get better help. My sister relented to let me stay with her for a few days, until I could get myself situated. I made phone calls, contacted everyone I could, and I couldn't even get into a homeless shelter because I didn't have a photo id. All I had was my social, and that wasn't enough. I went to the dmv to get an id, and they said they could not issue me one, because I didn't have the right paperwork to get one. They needed proof of my legal name change, and my gender marker stating that I was indeed female. I never took care of this back in 94, so I was in a bad way. Once more, I went back to my sisters, made a bunch of phone calls, left messeges, and waited. Time can be very cruel. It allowed me time to think. I thought of my now ex, her children of 4. How much I loved her and her children. I thought of my own children, and cried. I lost 2 families. Eventually I passed out from exhaustion. The next day, I got my court ordered name change, my doctor gave me my letter stating that I indeed was female, and back to the dmv I went. Success. I got my photo id, with correct name and gender on it. Yay!!! But now, all the anxiety and worry of what im gonna do now came back. Still have court in another state and I had found out that I was also being charged with a felony. I was shocked. Once more, burden after burden fell on my shoulders.

I have no drivers license, so I also don't have transportation. It is really scarey when you don't have anything. I don't have a job, because my company inadvertently hired my rapist, and I had to leave. I can't work with my rapist, and I got fired. I filed for unemployment long ago, and have to fight the decision that was denied. I am waiting for an appeal hearing.

I am now going forward. Its a long and very difficult process. I got somethings that mean a lot to me right now. I have my photo id with my correct name and gender on it. That by itself was a huge accomplishment. I had no clothes, and I managed to get a voucher from goodwill for 25 dollars to help me buy some new clothes, as I had none, and can't really go to a job interview or court in pj's. When I was with my girlfriend, she wanted me as male, so I suppressed my female side. No longer. I have taken back my true identity, and am feeling better than I have ever felt. My counselors told me, as soon as you get honest with yourself, the sooner the healing process can begin. I did get honest, I did take a moral inventory. I found that being surpressed, from my true nature had led me down the wrong path, and the gods to be, said enough. Here, I am going to give you one last chance to get your act together. I am done drinking, I am being true to myself, finally, and I am moving forward. My next huge challenge is gaining employment. I want to be on my own, in my own place, doing my own thing for once in my life, to be free of drama and b.s. I want to be self sufficient, self supporting, and living the life that I should have been living long ago. Sometimes, you have to fall hard, to realize what it is that you actually are fighting for. I learned that now, and I am happier than I have been in years, and its all because I can finally be me, without any worries, or hassles. I fully understand now the phrase, "To thine ownself be true."

Hugs,

Melissa

[Guest MiraJ]

omg melissa. This looks like one hell of a ride i would not wish to anyone at anytime. Im glad you got out of it. Its very moving and helpful to others now and later. I had to really control myself that i didnt bust out in tears here at work. Thank you for sharing this with us. YAY for moving on. Big huggs Mira

[Guest Melissamb43]

Thank you for listening to me rant and rave. I had no one else to turn to. This community is very open minded, and non judgemental. I am grateful that there are people in this world, that actually do care, and that can be trusted. I have found a couple of friends here in town, by accident, that are also very open minded, and non judgemental. I was on facebook, and one of my friends told me he was gay. I was like what? Are you serious? He said yes. I never would have thought in a million years. He has been a heaven send for me, and he and I talked on facebook for quite some time. He knows my ex, and her 4 children. He's friends with all of them. He was reassuring me, that it is okay for me to be who I am, and to actually, live the life I want. He saw a pic of my uhm, masculine side, then he saw a pic of my feminine side, and told me I look a hell of a lot better as a woman, than I do as a man. My mouth just dropped. It was a very comforting and uplifting experience. My ex told me that she can not be friends with me, as she too, seen my pic, and it really messed with her head. She can't accept this side of me, and quite frankly, I dont really care anymore. I can't expend time and energy into something that will never be again. Today, I needed to go to the store for smokes. I walked there. Flip flops, skirt and a nice top. I got cat called a few times before getting to the gas station, and I just smiled. It was thrilling, and embarassing all at the same time. I am not use to that yet. I'm not sure I will ever be use to it. I also met a girl, she's young, maybe, 20 tops. I found out she is bi-sexual, and I talked with her at length. She told me the same thing, that I am gorgeous. I actually blushed. I didn't need to put any on, as I was blushing so hard. I told her that I felt like a caterpillar, and that one day i would transform into that beautiful, delicate butterfly. She said, hun, you are well on your way. You look great. again a huge smile, and confidence booster. Just what the doctor ordered. I have not resorted back to my masculine side for anything since my break-up, and have been in and out of stores and no one said a word otherwise to me. Can I pass as a woman? Easily. Right up to the point of me opening my mouth, then everything is revealed. I need to work on my voice. Just wanted to give an update to what is happening now in my life, and though I have a lot on my plate, I am still working on being me, and loving each and every tender moment I can spend with myself, allowing myself to heal, and to feel, that hey, I am not alone in this any longer.

With love,

Melissa

[Guest MiraJ]

So great to see the blossoming and good part back in your life. Im very happy for you. I dont know to what extent but i think we all having to deal with some things in life as we transition. some more some less but all in a different way. I am very glad you making your way back up. HUGGS Mira