Hello. (Introductory Post)

[Guest fox24]

Hi.

I am new here, though that is, (or should be) inherently apparent.

My name is... Actually, I don't really want to use my real name, so let's call me John Doe; sound fair? Lovely. I am 16 years old and I live in the least-populated state in the entire "United" States of America. Yay.

Now, I'd like to think the story that is mine is rather a-typical, but is more than likely the opposite, considering most of what I've read. Excluding the small details that make every story unique in it's own way, the important core aspects remain the same. Much like a novel; Introduction, Rising motion, Conflict, solution, falling motion/climax. Everyone's story has a structure much like it, specifically among the, (dare I generalize it broadly?) LGBT+ community. Of course, the stories I am more specifically referring to, and as a result more specifically line up in how similar they are, are those represented by the T in that acronym; Trans. Short for Transgender, or Transsexual.

Like many of you, for a long time I felt very different from my peers. I can remember many things; mostly things no one really noticed, cared about, or could even, notice and/or care about. Little tidbits of information; a feeling there, a hint of loathing here, an occasional pattern of thought. Now, I'd go into immense detail and sob-stories, but I simply do not have time, neither do you reading this, and I, frankly; do not want to. So here is the rundown of my life, in very short form.

1995; Born

1996-2006; Abused physically by biological father on-and-off

1998; Sister is born, also my earliest memories of having any symptoms of depression begin here-ish.

2000; Parents divorce, father walks out Christmas morning before presents are opened.

2000-2007; Bullied through Elementary school excessively. Numerous fights. Numerous. Also first have thoughts mentioned above, as well as excessive struggles fitting in. Most of my best friends were girls.

2008-2009; 7th grade; struggle with identity and fitting in even more than I did in elementary.

2009-2010; 8th grade; actually get diagnosed with depression, begin self-harming frequently.

2010-2011; 9th grade; Had a pretty fantastic year; more fights, more cutting, more depression, but good stuff too. Finish Freshman year with 3.55 GPA.

2011-2012; Present.

Well; that was just peachy to write, and I'm sure lovely to read as well, hmm? Lovely.

Also; if I may bring attention back to the 2000-2009 era of my life;

"2000-2007; Bullied through Elementary school excessively. Numerous fights. Numerous. Also first have thoughts mentioned above, as well as excessive struggles fitting in. Most of my best friends were girls.

2008-2009; 7th grade; struggle with identity and fitting in even more than I did in elementary."

Well; you see this began a lovely bout of thinking about a lot of things. Specifically in 7th grade, I had a pair of friends who were.... eh, at the time fairly close, (later found out they liked me because I was richer than they were and I had xbox and computers and what-not that they could play with) and I had been thinking, (I got/get left alone a lot, so I have a lot of time to think, research, and experiment) about my sexuality, at the time. For most of my life, I did not have a lot of friends and had a very hard time fitting in. I tried everything; new clothes, new haircut, new music to listen to, new demeanor, new glasses, new this, new that, different where, changing when; everything. I came to a possibility, and one night out walking with this pair of friends, I said to them, literally;

"Guys; I think I'm gay..."

Let it suffice to say that they did not speak to me again after that night and the following conversation until 9th grade, and that was only because it was my birthday.

After that lovely exposure to other people's prejudices, I decided I would keep things 100% secret to myself, from then on.

Now here we are, years later, and here I am, as a Sophomore in High School. I regret the turn of events that things have taken immensely, I should have been smarter about the entire thing, should have had more resources, should have done more research, should have, could have, would have.... Didn't. Did. Not.

I am very angry at myself. You see...

Over the course of four years so far, (I'll be a Junior next year, IE; 11th grade, from about midsummer between 6th and 7th grade) I have been putting immense thought and personal reflection onto and into the topic of sexuality; specifically mine. I came to terms early where other people were concerned with the phrase "Hakuna Matata." from The Lion King films; it means 'No worries;' supposedly, anyway.

Now, about the time I got interested in... sexual things, (I'll keep this bit PG/PG-13 rated, promise!) I found cross-dressing a rather.... nice, thing. In fact, in 7th grade I started growing out my hair for 2 reasons; because the shaggy look was in style and I wanted to fit in, and so I could grow it farther afterward and look more like a girl. (That was SFW enough, yeah?)

Now, after some more soul-searching, I came to the realization that I was bisexual. This took me a while. And I never came out to anyone except friends over the internet because of how it might be taken. Only recently after learning the meaning of the word did I come to terms that my bisexuality was actually pansexuality.

Now, through the 'Brony' phenomenon and it's Musician following, I also met a pair of friends whom were Transgender. A wonderful young lady from England with a degree in composition, (She is so talented! ~swoon~) and another... Well, she was still identifying as a young man when I met her, but she began her coming out and all of that in the midst of our friendship, which has been interesting to watch, while the young lady from England has been out since she was.... Oh, my age, ish? And she is in her mid-twenties now, mid-transition as well.

Anyways, these two opened the door into the possibilities of that world, of being Trans-whatever, and I took into account that that.... well, that that existed, really. It was what I was missing, I think. Or part of it.

The first time I'd consider myself cross-dressing in public was on a Friday; the 11th of this month actually. I wore a pair of panties and a sports bra out of the GoodWill box, (a cardboard box of things we don't want/need that we send to Good Will/Salvation Army/what-have-you once or twice a year) in our house to school under my regular clothes. I felt wonderful. It was euphoric, even. I loved it. I had a fantastic day.

You see, I'd planned on coming out about being bi for several years, especially after my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer last November. Then bi became pan. Then those were still around, but Transexuality was also there.

The master plan was meant to go as follows; to gradually work my way into cross-dressing and presenting as female. Wear panties all week one week, wear panties and a sports bra all week the next, panties, bra, and girl's shirt the next, and so on; until someone asked and then I would come out, and give them the "Duh" treatment, "You couldn't tell?" I practiced saying that in the mirror hundreds of times...

But it was just so nice... I loved it so much; I skipped the gradual approach, and on Mother's Day, (which I'd forgotten about) I sprang to my mother and sister that I was MTF Transgender.

Not a good idea.

... I just lost all heart for writing this; I think my sleeping pills have kicked in. Which really sucks because I did this instead of homework... I guess I'll write it in the morning; whee procrastination.

There's a hell of a lot more stuff to put into this, "Hi, I am me, and this is what's up." post, but I give up explaining stuff, so here's the low-down;

I also write EDM, (Electronic Dance Music) and I am very concerned how my... "condition" (for extreme lack of a better term, so sorry!) will effect my musical career. I'd link my SoundCloud or YouTube, but currently I am still incognito; depending on the response to this I might put them in my post signature. We'll see.

My mother is having a very hard time with this.

Wyoming is a very rural mindset, and I have gotten some very odd looks from people and had to explain to the hairdresser why I didn't want to look through the Men's styling book, twice; in simple terms. I am very worried about ending up like Matthew Shepard. (Google what happened to him; it is a gruesome hate crime that happened in Laramie in '98 and I am not going to tell the tale here) And the culture around here moves MUCH too slow to suddenly accommodate openly LGBT+ people in a mere 14 years.

And numerous other things.

Thank you all for reading, and I hope you have a wonderful Morning/Day/Evening!

[JenniferB]

Welcome to Laura's Playground John (Jane?) Doe.

I went ahead and moved your topic to the introduction forum.

The one problem I'm having is that you don't have anything to say. j/k

It's good that you are starting to transition where you can, and that you are taking one step at a time is wise. When you have private time you may also want to start working on your voice training. All this is important and will make it easier in the future when you can start the actual physical transitioning (if you choose to do so).

It appears you will need to get out of Wyoming when you are able. Not just because of how you will be treated, but also when you decide to transition, it would be nice to have a gender therapist and endocrinologist close by to help monitor your transition. I bet there is an active LGBT community at UW, and probably in Cheyenne too.

Here is a list of some gender therapists in your state. http://therapists.ps...ate=WY&spec=187. However finding a doctor or endocrinologist who would prescribe and monitor hormones might be more difficult to find. Maybe plan on moving out of state when you graduate high school or have an opportunity to do so is a good plan.

If you haven't done so please read the terms & conditions found at the lower right corner of almost every page. Laura's is a PG-13 website and we moderate it to make sure it is safe for everyone.

{{{Hugs}}}

Jenny

[Guest angels wings]

Welcome to Laura's John good to hear from you

[Guest Holly S]

Welcome to Laura's! I hope you stick around

I'll go right out there and say that you write very well. There you go, a good compliment never hurt anyone.

The main thing that stopped me from "accepting myself" was the fact that I have high hopes for my future, and I thought that... all this... might jeopardize that. I figured that someone had to lead the world on the path to acceptance, and that might as well be me. At the very least "transgender rights activist" will look good on my CV. I realized in the end that if I didn't go through with this, I'd either be dead or wishing I was. Sobering thoughts.

Also, look up Kim Petras (I think that's her name). Just goes to show that you can be be transgendered AND successful in the music industry - the two aren't mutually exclusive.

Feel free to PM me (you'll need to have made 5 posts otherwise it won't let you).

Hugs,

Holly

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, John. I do hope you give some thought to a female name at some point. Just kind of awkward if you know what I mean.

I really appreciate the time and effort you put into your post, and I agree with Holly that you write very well. I'm sorry that things have been so difficult for you, but you seem pretty resilient, which is an excellent quality for a transperson to have, believe me. The journey can be long and difficult, but it can be successful, no matter where you live or what your family says.

I hope you can find a G.T. soon, but if its not in the cards, just stay with us here and learn all you can, and make friends. Support and understanding is what this place is all about.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi John,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna