Our Imperfections Make Us Beautiful, but...

[Guest ImperfectDandy]

They can also make us miserable. And I’ve been feeling pretty miserable lately, because at the moment, I’m really unsure about my identity. This is a first for me – ever since I was really young, I’ve always known what I wanted, what I wanted to be perceived as. But now… I just can’t tell.

For a while, I thought I wanted to be completely androgynous, and sometimes I think I still do. It makes me happy when I’m not recognised as a girl, but to hear people wondering “is that a girl or a guy?” or say “can I help you, sir?”. Unfortunately, it doesn’t happen very often. I think it’s partly that I am very feminine looking – while I lack some of the, er, curvier aspects of a womanly figure, I’m both petit and quite short.

My wardrobe probably doesn’t help; I’ve always been pretty alternative. When I was 13, I fell in love with the Goth subculture, and remained immersed in it until I discovered Visual Kei a few years ago. As female Goth clothing tends to be very flowing and feminine, I was always perceived as ultra-girly (which was extraordinarily crushing, truth be told). Since coming across Visual Kei, however, I’ve been more aware of the fluidity of gender perception – many musicians in the scene crossdress (amazingly convincingly, such as Hizaki, who is one of my idols and just beautiful), or pursue an androgynous aesthetic.

That was also how I managed to introduce my desire for a more androgynous appearance to my family – by showing them the bands I liked and the styles I liked. But now I wonder if I want more of a masculine look; well, more like a Victorian Era dandy (since I still love alternative fashions), kinda like how Kamijo from Versailles looks/dresses. However, as my family and friends see him and other musicians I admire as being feminine anyway, I have to wonder if it’s just the style I want to pursue, or is it more than that? I think if I woke up with a male body tomorrow I wouldn’t complain; if anything, I’d probably celebrate - and since i've been thinking that for at least a year, I feel like it's gotten pretty serious now.

I’ve always been dissatisfied with my body. I’d like to grow at least 4.5 inches, have broader shoulders, look fitter, and have larger, longer hands. I hate my chest. I’m not particularly… endowed, but even looking at myself in the mirror beside our shower as I get in makes me uncomfortable. I really wish I could move that mirror, but it’s attached to the wall…

But I feel like I can’t tell anyone. My sister knows (she pretty much figured it out at the same time I did), and she’s very supportive, but she has her own stuff to deal with, and I don’t want to drag her down with my stuff too. As for my mother, she’s really open-minded, but… she’s a very strong feminist, and has always taught us “to love our bodies, accept ourselves and that, as women, we can achieve anything – we have the best of all worlds professionally and in family life and fashion”, etc. So, while she is very open-minded, I don’t think she’d understand that I’m deeply dissatisfied with my body/appearance/perception. Plus, things have been going really well for her lately, and I don’t want to impinge upon that, either.

I’ve considered getting professional help before this but never done it. However, recently, I took a survey at uni for a Ph.D student’s thesis (you know, so if I ever want to write a thesis, I’ll feel like I can ask the student population), and came up high on the depression scale. It was as shock, but I feel like it was also a reminder that I can’t keep living like this – I’m miserable, frustrated and feeling really lost. So I’m seeing a free counsellor at uni in a fortnight. I'm scared. It’s a small step (like how this post is a small but scary step) but lately I’ve become quite scared of the little things.

I know from my lurkings around the site that there are many wonderful people here, so before I forget, I just also want to say “thank you” to everyone – your stories have helped me get through the last year. So please, any advice would be appreciated. What do I do now? How do I tell what to do?

And, uh, thank you if you read all that – it was a bit long, I know. I understand if you were a bit tl;dr *sheepish*

~Imp

[MaryEllen]

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, hon. Your post wasn't too long, and I find you to be quite a good writer.

It sounds like this will be a good place for you to hang out. There is a lot to learn, and lots of great people to help you learn it. The Androgyne Forums can be helpful, and so too the FtM and other Forums. Please feel free to ask any questions or make any comments. We'll always try to answer honeslty.

I do ask all our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, as we use them to keep the site safe and pleasant for everyone.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Risu]

Hello and welcome to Lauras!

Your post wasn't too long at all and I really enjoyed reading it. You write very well and make your points and feelings quite clear which makes tackling longer posts not only a joy but something easy to do.

The baby steps all add up over time and the more you start taking them the easier it gets to keep taking them. One example, I knew I was always female inside but starting HRT was a very scary step for me. It was a permanent decision I couldn't undo if I was somehow wrong. But we usually aren't wrong and so taking any steps to move you toward your goals is absolutely the best thing you can do, no matter how scary or difficult it may seem, it does get easier in time.

It is wonderful to hear you have the love and support of your sister but if you ever need anymore we are here for you. It is nice to meet you and I am glad you have decided to join the discussion and post.

*Welcome Hugs*

~Jade.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Dandy,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest angels wings]

Welcome to Laura's .

Here in Australia there is alot of help if u go to your gp and ask for a referall to see a therapist who understands gender identity . Getting some clarity and guidance is important . This will help u in which direction u want to take . Wishing you all the best in ur journey. My partner too was very depressed but since going to see a gender therapist she has peace in her heart . Follow ur heart

[Guest ImperfectDandy]

Wow, thank you guys - I don't think I've ever met nicer people on the internet

Welcome to the Playground, hon. Your post wasn't too long, and I find you to be quite a good writer.

It sounds like this will be a good place for you to hang out. There is a lot to learn, and lots of great people to help you learn it. The Androgyne Forums can be helpful, and so too the FtM and other Forums. Please feel free to ask any questions or make any comments. We'll always try to answer honeslty.

I do ask all our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, as we use them to keep the site safe and pleasant for everyone.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Aha, thank you~ since writing is a big hobby of mine, I really appreciate your compliment I've read the T&C (twice, actually, to be safe ^^ and will be sure to keep them in mind, since I'll definitely be around the forums

Hello and welcome to Lauras!

Your post wasn't too long at all and I really enjoyed reading it. You write very well and make your points and feelings quite clear which makes tackling longer posts not only a joy but something easy to do.

The baby steps all add up over time and the more you start taking them the easier it gets to keep taking them. One example, I knew I was always female inside but starting HRT was a very scary step for me. It was a permanent decision I couldn't undo if I was somehow wrong. But we usually aren't wrong and so taking any steps to move you toward your goals is absolutely the best thing you can do, no matter how scary or difficult it may seem, it does get easier in time.

It is wonderful to hear you have the love and support of your sister but if you ever need anymore we are here for you. It is nice to meet you and I am glad you have decided to join the discussion and post.

*Welcome Hugs*

~Jade.

Aw, thank you. I worry that I ramble sometimes and become overly complicated - I'm glad this was easy to read!

I agree about the baby steps, and I think at the moment, it'll have to do... I just - like anyone, I guess - am scared of being "proven wrong"; if that's even possible, in a situation like this.

Hi Dandy,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

I'll be sure to do that - will I have to work out time difference stuff?? (am terrible with maths )

Welcome to Laura's .

Here in Australia there is alot of help if u go to your gp and ask for a referall to see a therapist who understands gender identity . Getting some clarity and guidance is important . This will help u in which direction u want to take . Wishing you all the best in ur journey. My partner too was very depressed but since going to see a gender therapist she has peace in her heart . Follow ur heart

Really? I hadn't thought about seeing my gp, but that's actually a good idea, thank you! I'm glad that your partner has found peace - it must have been a hard journey, even though it was worth it.

Again, thank you to all of you; I'm already feeling better about all this. I almost can't believe I was nervous to check back here ^^'

[Guest angels wings]

It is hard in the beginning but before u know it u will be here everyday lol.

Yes if you go see ur gp thy can give u referral letter u can also do ur own research on line look for gender therapists in ur city if u find one that u belive is gd you can give that name to ur gp for a referral . And thank u for ur kind words yes it was and still is hard but it is worth it We all deserve to be loved