Putting things together in a post.

[Charlize]

Hi, I'm Charlie an alcholic. May change my name to Charlize someday. My gender issues have me in a spin recently. Had a birthday that was great. I got "Vintage Merlot" nail polish from a friend in the program. i'd come out to him. Sweet gift. Then i went to the mall as my female self with my wife! I got my ears pierced and "diamond" studs. My wife's present to me. I was so happy, on top of the world, accepted as me. Amazing! That was Monday.

Tuesday night i was dressed and getting ready for an AA meeting. I had gotten a call and was chairing for a sick friend at the speaker meeting. It's my home group. It has some gay folks but is mostly straight. I came out there as a speaker the first week of march and have attended the meetings as a woman since. I was making dinner with my wife when my son, daughter-in -law and grand kids came walking into the house.

BANG. My wife doesn't want them to know.

Poop and fans don't go together without a mess. She was really hurt, ashamed and afraid. What will it do to the kids? How can they come visit if my husband is a pervert?. etc. etc. 5 years ago it would have have been straight to the bottle. My whole world was upside down. Positive to negative instantly. I am somehow expected to change, and to explain all to the kids right away. I can't change without killing a part of myself. It's a part that's just beginning to come out after 64 years of life and 41 years of marriage. I won't fit back under the rock. The closet has somehow gotten too small.

Thank my higher power for the meeting. After a quick change to Chuck, i ran out and had a talk with my family. They didn't want to talk about it. Time will help. In many ways they are my last hurdle. If they accept me I may come much closer to full time and that may help me to understand how far i want to go.

The best thing was i went to the meeting. Worked with a sponsee, talked to the women in the group and got out of myself for long enough for suicide by booze or ... to leave my mind. Thank god for the rooms.

At my friday meeting I was able to share this with a group of GLBT. i was the only trans. The women were sweet to me. the pain is lessening.

I keep thinking "pain is inevitable suffering is optional" I've posted this to several folks at laura's playground. i've got to keep posting it to myself.

Monday i'm due to go to my first visit to a gender therapist. What a ride, ups and downs, Higher than i've ever been in my own head and then as low as i've been. If i could leave at times i think i would, at least i would take a chemical vacation. The rooms of AA, the ability to be honest with others, and a growing relationship with my higher power are keeping me here and as sane as i can be.

Hugs and thanks for being there

Charlie.

[VickySGV]

Congratulations for pulling out of that one sis!! Feels good when the people that best understand us and reach out to us are a bunch of drunks, and the sober ones are going nutz.

Both GD and Alcoholism share a common trait which is that neither is understandable to a person who does not share the trait. People who do not have the conditon that we have as far as alcohol abuse can cheer us on, and maybe tell us we are nicer folks for sobering up, but they cannot comprehend the effort it has taken us to begin recovery, and to stay the course. The same is true of people who are cis gendered about our being trans (even recovering alcoholics who are cis have trouble beyond our alcoholism level. Your family wishes that both your Alcoholism and your GD would go away, and yet they both make us who we are, the people they at least think, maybe, sorta, wellllllll, (puzzled look) Love.

Good luck and "keep coming back, it works".

[Michelle 2010]

What a beautiful, moving post Charlie. You exemplify the miracle of recovery in your post.

On a daily basis I literally get down on my knees and thank god for having a 12 step program to guide me through the minefield known as GID. My heart goes out to you for your pain, and my love to a fellow AA'er facing a challenge to your solid recovery foundation. As we know, "the Good News is the bad things will pass, and the Bad News is the good things will pass...". I applaud the way you handled the "family disaster". When you butt falls off, pick it up and go to a meeting, right? Because at a certain point in our recovery lives, we know drinking is not an option for killing our feelings anymore.

I hope your family comes around to understand this part of you. You clearly are living an honorable life in recovery and are not the person you were seven years ago. As trans people in recovery we can lead lives of dignity, compassion for others and learn to accept who we are without shame. I pray your son comes to realize the honorable responsible person you are and that he recovers from his surprise.

All the best,

Michelle

[Charlize]

Thanks Vicky, its how i stay sober and increasingly how i know myself. couldn't do it without you

Hugs, Charlie

[Guest rikkicd64]

Oh Charlie that is so sweet, your an amazingly wonderful person, as I have followed your post since I've been here, what can I say,"you've come a long way baby". I am proud of you and happy for you.

Rikki...

[Charlize]

You are all the best. I can and do cry without the use of hormones. My life has been made possible because of these rooms. I have you to thank for becoming me and i regret none of it past and present. Let the good and bad times roll as i know they will. But which is which? Thats up to my higher power.

Love, Charlie

[Guest angels wings]

(((((hugs))))))

[Guest]

Hi Charlie,

Sometimes we have to be chameleons. Mid transition can be such a dicey time. I am glad that you were able to be so fluid without support from any of those other fluids.

Hang in there - this too shall pass!

Love, Megan

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Dear Charlie ..

Your post makes me feel so proud of you ... you are an amazing woman. Keep reaching out ... keep emerging ... you are beautiful.

Oh .. there .. you made me cry ... and smile ... because despite it al ... we are the lucky ones, aren't we.

HUGS,

JB

[Charlize]

Thank you for being there, and for all of your helpful words.

Tomorrow i go to the anniversary party for my group. Its over 65 years old. Cake , live music, food and people from all over the area. And there at the front table will be Charlie dressed as pretty as i can be with the people who keep me sober and who i help to stay sober. I could not have been out without the program. I might even get a dance and not in a gay bar. Dancing with straight friends WOW.

This after my first day with my GT who commented in how much i had gained by the honesty from AA growth. I am so grateful to all of us and what we give each other.

Thanks, I'm here for you, please stay for me.

Hugs, Charlie

[Guest rita63]

Charlize Hope you danced the night away and had a wonderful time. Seeing you and your' success at dealing with things that baffle me gives me great hope in the honesty of AA. It was exploring this honesty that led me to Laura's and the wonderful people here. Together we keep each other sober and growing in finding ourselves.

Congratulations big <<<hugs>>> rita

[Guest ZoeG360]

Charlize:

For your son/DIL to refer to you as a pervert is off the charts wrong. I know I thought of myself that way for a long time and I can see how easy it would be to accept what they say on the surface. But its attitudes like that that need to get properly educated or they teach their kids and the cycle goes on.

There is nothing perverted about you. As alcoholics we know that is the kind of pain that makes the bottle so attractive. I really hope that you can work through that with your therapist so that you can have a rational talk with them. That is easier said than done though, rational is not always what works.

The beauty of the meeting is exactly what you described; that you could use it to get out of yourself, give to someone who needed it, no, needed YOU, at that time at that place.

I am proud of you that you used the tools you had at hand. Its hard to do, then it gets easier but when the fan/poop meld is a disaster, a meeting is the safe harbor.

(Fan/poop meld? Did I really say that? Good gracious!)

Love

Zoe

[Guest Jenny C]

You have all my admiration !!!

Sincerely,

Jenny

[Guest carolynn2fem]

Thank You for sharing Charlie

this is my first week in recovery this time and 34 days till I get to go to my first GT appointment. I also decided on making the GLTB meetings as my foundation of part of it any way. part of it I am uncomfortable with part of it I want to embrace, I am suposed to talk to a freind before tonights meeting

[Charlize]

Carolynn,

I'm so glad about your amazing week. Hang in there and go to meetings anyway you can and as many as you can. Check out the third tradition which states the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Doesn't say you can't be trans! I have found the rooms of AA to open up the world for me in both of the hardest areas of my life, addiction and being trans..

My recovery was so important to me that i quit going out enfemme and even dressing. It made me think of booze and i just gave it up to save my life.

You have a different story and path to follow. I came out in AA at a women's meeting whose topic was honesty, and was embraced. Have never looked back and nowchair a straight speakers meeting with up to 50 attending. Acceptance and love surround me as well as laughter and fun.

Sobriety is a blessing given to you for today.

Hang in there and get to meeting. You are not alone and are surrounded by the love of those who know your struggle in ways that only you and they can understand.

Hugs, Charlie

[VickySGV]

A truly life enabling week Carolynn, your decision to make your GD part of your entire recovery package is going to really be helping your whole person.

I relapsed 5 years ago because I had not made my GD part of a recovery in 1989 that did last 16+k years, but folded on the honesty of self issue. I began my new recovery 1358 "one days at a time" ago with the investigation of my GD in a Chemical Dependency Recovery program that first required that I regain my sobriety then work on GD. It is so wonderful to finally finally finally get to the YOU that wants and needs to recover so that your REAL life can begin. Recovery opened my door to treatment of the GD which will include my GCS next year. (My first recovery was so I could do things for others, and it crashed, this one is for me to do things for myself!!) I hope you are doing this recovery very selfishly and for the reality of your life. Keep up with the bunch here because we do have the one extra edge for you of both Recovery and Trans. Welcome indeed.

[Michelle 2010]

Since we have a LoveFest going here, I want to give it up to both Vicky and Charlie for inspiring me to take it to the next level. For my July anniversary I have the lead at the LGBT meeting I started attending in May . I will tell my complete story for the first time at a local meeting and am excited about it. Charlie's message of acceptance inside AA and Vickie's story that we can run but we can't hide from ourselves are very very powerful messages.

I just talked to an AA friend I am out to and said I would be happy to meet a 6 year sober alcoholic who is closeted Transgendered. If I try to do God's will instead of my own self serving interests I am shielded from my old fears and doubts. God really can do for us what we can't do for ourselves

Hugs

Michelle

[Charlize]

God bless you Michelle. The ripples go out. His will not ours be done. I'm about as fully out to the community as can be now. I feel the biggest burden of my life has been lifted from my shoulders and placed on some invisible hands beside me. And then to read your post. As I said to a sponsee today we are being carried on a huge blue wave beyond our control. Relax and surf but know you have to paddle too.

Hugs, Love and all good,

Charlie

[Guest carolynn2fem]

At the moment I have alot of confusion as to where i stand. am I a crossdresser or trans i dont know. its a topic that in unapprochable with the wife of 23 years, I feel locked in the closet where this is concerned, being on the internet and reading artical or talking in fourms only adds to the closet. but the one message I hear everywhere is get a GT. ok now I got one.I'm looking forward to the opertunity to deal with my GD. I've used alchol to cover up that part of me. to give up drinking was a easy choice but neccary decision in order to move forward. I have being drinking for the last 18 years but before that I has 10 year sobrity. things appear to be lining up for me.

[Michelle 2010]

Honey, you might want to check your seatbelt to see that its secured!!! Life might change, er, dramatically, lol! When I went to my support meeting for the first couple months, I stated that I didn't know what would happen if i let Michelle out of Pandora's Box, but that one thing I was quite certain of.... Michelle would take every thing i was willing to give up as my male self.... And so it has come to pass.

And for me, that is a good thing. As a person practicing the 12 steps of AA, sponsoring others, and talking about finding a god of my understanding, I was at a crossroads... where i had to practice the principles in all my affairs or shrink back in fear. And as we learn, fear is the soul killer. so if I had turned away from the journey into self acceptance, and trusting god, I really would have had to quit AA because to continue would have meant that I was a fraud, spouting platitudes but not living the spiritual life of recovery... Today, its an amazing journey and I am filled with gratitude that I did not go to my grave denying the essence of who i am.

Best wishes on whatever decisions you come to Carolynn, just remember: Becareful what you wish for... You just may get it

Hugs

Michelle

[Guest rita63]

Carolynn I discovered Laura's because I knew I had to make exploring myy femme side part of my recovery. I hope someday to be as successful at it as Michelle Vicky and Charlize. It is truly a part of being honest with yourself and others required for recovery.

hugs rita

[Guest carolynn2fem]

Hello Michelle

I understand what You mean by becarefull about what You ask for... to continue on as I have being doing or confront my drinking and face my GD. either path could be flirting with disaster and could wreck my life as I currently know it. there will always be unknown on any path we choose. in the end I still have to live with me.

[Guest carolynn2fem]

being honest with self is much easier that being honest with others. I know that is a major barrier to overcome

[Michelle 2010]

Hello Michelle

I understand what You mean by becarefull about what You ask for... to continue on as I have being doing or confront my drinking and face my GD. either path could be flirting with disaster and could wreck my life as I currently know it. there will always be unknown on any path we choose. in the end I still have to live with me.

Wrecking the life that I knew before entering AA and getting honest with myself and the world, hmmm..... Perhaps it needed wrecking? The most amazing thing about my alcoholism(and for others in recovery from what they have said to me and in meetings), is that no matter how abnormal my life became, or how far into denial I traveled, or how hard I drank to maintain what I thought was a comfort level, it always seemed Normal... No matter how unmanageable it became.

I thought I was an alcoholic with integrity, but by working the steps I looked at the fact that on the most fundamental level, I lived a life built on lies and deception: to family and what friends remained. In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it talks about the fact that Alcoholics, more than most people, live two lives... The one they want to present to the world around them, and the one they hope the world never sees..

And of course, I really understood I was living three lives, for i wasn't only hiding my alcoholism I was hiding my transgenderism. Oh my! whats a closeted transgendered alcoholic to do???.... Truly the "Horns of a Dilemma"... Get real??? Pretty scary concept, for sure... Well, in AA we learn that "lack of personal power" is our problem, and there is a solution "if we follow this simple program of recovery". Which, for alcoholics of my type, was reeeeallly good news, because I sure hadn't been able to figure it out on my own for several decades,lol!!!

Normally, I would say consider joining us in Sunday night chat for a recovery meeting but several of us simply can't get into chat right now and the group may or may not exist as we speak. If you or other readers find this topic resonates for you, consider PMing me about another option to aid in exploring the wonderful world of AA recovery, of getting sober and getting started on a new way of living while exploring your trans issues.

Hugs

Michelle

[Guest carolynn2fem]

Hi Michelle

I am a slow reader and its is difficult for me to keep up in chats. they do not work for me but thank You for the offer.

tearing down a few walls can be a good thing. parts need to be wrecked but others dont. it would be selfish of me the destroy my family in the process of self persuit. I'm at the begining of a new journey and I can not say where the path will take me.