Soul pour!

[Guest MIrajane]

Hmm... This could be a bit disjointed so bear with me.

So, I figured out I had some kind of weird issues when I was fairly young. I remember dressing up in my mothers clothes very vaguely when i was pre-pubescent, I think I was 6-8. At the time it was just laughed off, I think someone might have said it's just a phase, kids do strange things.

Didn't really think about it much beyond a few strange dreams when I was edging towards my teens, then well... School was pretty bad, it's not like I was bullied so horrendously that I should have all this bad emotion left over from it but I do. I've always been horribly sensitive, one reason I avoid forums. I hate arguments and remember whenever I got into fights at school, I'd generally freeze up and freak out, end up crying or looking foolish. It was probably when I was about 11-12 I started piling on weight, lost interest in anything that involved interacting with other people and started to run away from myself. The weight was the main reason I got bullied as a teenager, that and just being weird and cos that is what kids do.

So I got into a weird online relationship with a much older girl when I was 14. She was pretty cool and liberal (but weird for liking a 14 year old at 21 I guess), and I explored some of those, shall we say, deviant sexual fantasies with her through the joys of text. I hadn't gone as far as crossdressing yet though, but I was madly in love with her. It ended horribly as you'd expect.

I think it was around 15 when I started crossdressing some. Horrible guilt and shame afterwards and I stopped completely when I got into my first and thus far only relationship with a girl at 16 (I'm 27 now). It lasted about a year.

It was ok at first, but it didn't really work, I'm not really capable of being masculine in a relationship, not in the "normal" way anyway. In the end we broke up, I was heartbroken. Along with problems at school, buried gender issues and everything else, I totally fled into the arms of cannabis.

Part of me knows, if I hadn't I'd probably be dead. I was so unhappy as a teenager. I used to play computer games, read fantasy obsessively, anything to get away from the world.

I haven't really changed that much, which I can see is partly down to the pot, it's such a great tool to escape from problems. But unfortunately, self-awareness requires honesty and I am starting to feel that.... Maybe I should see a therapist? I repressed the tv/cd thing for a long while, had a few stolen items of clothing (which I'm not proud of), threw them away through guilt, finally accepted that it wasn't going to go away and stopped feeling guilty (if there's one thing I REFUSE to do, it's feel guilty about things I cannot effect).

I suppose my life is heading for a crux - I started a new job about two years ago and found a friend who's also got friends and they're all far more open-minded than any friends I'd ever had. So he was the first person I told and then I told my parents (who I do still live with) and well I thought for awhile, that would be fine, I can get by just dressing up every now and then. I should mention really, something else has made me seriously consider all this. Throughout the last 10 years I've clearly run away from a lot of my problems through Cannabis, when I'm stoned it's easy to forget about my problems. I'm also a little bit misanthropic, we seem like such a destructive species in general terms, that I kind of think, why go through all the pain, why risk all the emotional hurt, just keep getting high and hide until everything goes to hell. I know we're a race of wonderful contradictions, we're so good at creating beauty and wonder with our imaginations and minds, while being so bloody good at killing each other and everything else around us. Anyway sorry, that isn't what the post is about.

This weekend has been a little strange though, I've been reading and chatting around a little and come across some interesting new concepts. I had believed that my crossdressing/tranvestism was entirely sexual, a fetish as it where. But I don't think it really fits. I'm not attracted to either men or women. The only pornography I really appreciate involves transsexuals (or should I say Transgenderist porn stars?) basically women with penis'. But I'm not really attracted to THEM but to pretending I AM them if that makes sense? I've known this much for a long time, but had not really linked it with my own gender issues.

But from what I've been piecing together (maybe) is that if I WHERE comfortable with either a solidly male or female role, I would be able to imagine a working heterosexual or homosexual relationship? The idea of being in a relationship with a woman frightens me and the idea of being in a relationship with a man kind of disgusts me. And I've understood that for a good long time too, hence why I avoid even attempting to form a relationship.

Hmm... This turned into a bit of a soul pour out. I don't really know why I'm posting this, while I've told a few people a small portion of this, I've never laid it out fully before for anyone. It's really less about the cannabis and more... I should make an appointment with my doctor shouldn't I? It's just... so frigging scary and I'm very much a coward. Uhh I'd better just post this, re-reading isn't helping and I just keep babbling.

Be gentle!

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I always want to be gentle - grin. And in your post I think you are really putting some things together in your mind - what you are is complicated, as you know, Yes - see that therapist - exactly what you need to do.

I am glad you found us and we are here to talk with you. You understand, I am sure, we aren't therapists, and can only relate our own experiences, and I will tell you this, some of what you said hits a chord with me.

You are definitely more than a crossdresser, it seems. I cross dressed for 50+ years and knew it was more than cross dessing at the time. After working with my therapist I was diagnosed transsexual (which I had figured out) and I was offered the ootion to transition. I decided to transition and am awaiting my surgery this month. It may be the same, it may be different for you.

. As to the fantasy with wanting to BE like the so called 'male seeming crossdressers' - that is a twist probably in a direction a transgenderist might go. I always fantasized about being female and playing that role, but it was envying what natal women are. . So who knows.

But a therapist can work with you, especially the socialization difficulties you seem to have - something that is not that unusual in our transgender community.

I will end this by saying just be calm. You are what you are, and that is perfectly fine. What you feel and do hurts no one. Well. maybe you are hurting your self a bit, with all the anxiety, but that is easily worked out.

Welcome to Laura's Playground and keep us updated on what is going on in your life.

Lizzy

[Guest]

Hello Mirajane,

Welcome to Laura's Playground!

Geez, where to start? First - gentle happens here - most of us know too well the opposite side of gentle, and want Laura's to be safe and warm for all. Second - most of us have spent time right where you are now in some fashion. So, don't feel alone - don't be afraid.

It's great that you've laid all of this down - you're just launching on the voyage of self-discovery. We can't really tell you the answer to that "What am I?" question. You will have to do most of that yourself - and - always recommended, with the aid of a Gender Therapist.

For me, most of my self-discovery happened right here. Reading what others had to say helped me to understand myself. And when I didn't understand, I asked questions. Those who had gone before me were always ready with kindly replies. So, I'd encourage you to join in - keep up on what's going on here, listen and learn, ask questions!

I look forward to seeing more of you here!

Love, Megan