DA/DT drives nut crazy. what do other girls do in dealing with it?

[Guest carolynn2fem]

Hello I'm carolynn.

I feel like I need to talk about it but cant. at that same time I dont wish to lie either. catch 22?

[Charlize]

Welcome Carolynn,

Take a deep breath relax and listen to the others for awhile. Speech is not required but as you respond or post you'll relax and pose questions for others to learn from. You are not alone, and we are friends here amazingly open about things we've hidden for years. Pull up a chair and join in as you can.

Hugs and again welcome,

Charlie

[Guest Ney'ite]

Hello Carolynn, this is the first post I have seen from you so far, so welcome to Laura's.

Charlie is right - as you become more comfortable, feel free to ask questions. Many members will lurk for a while before posting questions, and this is perfectly fine and may help you to become more relaxed.

Laura's is a very safe place - we Moderators make sure every post fits within our rules before it is ever seen to the other members, ensuring that safety net for all.

Enjoy your stay!

[Guest Wendae]

Advice from a Vet. If you are active duty I still recommend DT.

[Guest Cyndi]

Most definitely! As Wendae said, DT is still the only "safe" way to continue serving in our services... We're not out of the woods like our LGB brothers and sisters, hopefully one day though!

Cyndi

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Vet here......

If I were stil in as a Trans service member, I'd not say a word...

Remember that the repeal of DADT covers gay and lesbian service members, not trans....

It sux, but, we have more work to do on this......

Dee Jay

[Guest carolynn2fem]

I should have clarified. I am retired Navy. I was refering to da/dt with the wife. I cant make any progress in terms of removing her fears and insecurity or me finding any sort of inner balance if we never talk about it. I just found a support group in the links here but I would be deciving in attending it

[Guest Michellewhois]

Hi Carolynn and welcome to the site. I'm hoping that you will find as much information as you need to help. I fully understand the situation with your wife and as you may find out, so have others in our situation. I guess my first question (but not the last) would be, "How much have you and your wife discussed about your impending transition?"

I guess what I am really asking is how did you approach the subject? What are some of her fears? A lot of wives that find themselves facing the proposition of their husbands transitioning are afraid of losing their life partner. Others are afraid of what others may think of her. With a retired service member, is she afraid that she will loose all the benefits that go along with dependent life? Is she afraid that she will have to explain herself to all your friends and or family?

You mentioned that you felt that you would feel like you would be deceiving if you attended a support group. Who do you feel you would be deceiving, your wife or yourself? What steps have you taken toward transitioning and how far do you want to go with it?

I hope that these questions will help you get a conversation going so that we would be able to help in our small way.

[Guest carolynn2fem]

Hi Carolynn and welcome to the site. I'm hoping that you will find as much information as you need to help. I fully understand the situation with your wife and as you may find out, so have others in our situation. I guess my first question (but not the last) would be, "How much have you and your wife discussed about your impending transition?"

I guess what I am really asking is how did you approach the subject? What are some of her fears? A lot of wives that find themselves facing the proposition of their husbands transitioning are afraid of losing their life partner. Others are afraid of what others may think of her. With a retired service member, is she afraid that she will loose all the benefits that go along with dependent life? Is she afraid that she will have to explain herself to all your friends and or family?

You mentioned that you felt that you would feel like you would be deceiving if you attended a support group. Who do you feel you would be deceiving, your wife or yourself? What steps have you taken toward transitioning and how far do you want to go with it?

I hope that these questions will help you get a conversation going so that we would be able to help in our small way.

Hi Michelle

there are alot of things I need to figure out for myself. one being terms and meanings on this fourm. I'm not sure I understand correctly but You said transtion as in SRS? no that is not a option for me. I do not think I would consider HRT or living as a woman full time. I am just a part time CD that is not sure where I fit in on the spectrum. nor have I being in public exept on halloween. if I were to define a long term goal or dream it would be to go on a dignity cruze. that is where i am at right now. and in the mean time i feel the need to find a support group or mentor to help my find my inner balance.

as far as deception I would like to attend some sort of support group and not lie about what I am doing. how could I attend a weekend retreat with out rocking the boat so to speak?

I do not know what concerns my wife has. she never says a thing about it. I rarely feel comfortable in bringing up the topic. I recently tryed to tell her I can put her intouch with a wives support group. I was refering to Tri ess. Her responce was is that like a alanon for crossdressers? I said yes and that was the end of conversation.

[Guest *Charlotte P*]

Hi Carolynn, sounds like the wife is going to be a tough sell on your new lifestyle. It can be overwhelming to them and every relationship is different. I don't know that there is a piece of advice that anyone can give that is a sure fire way to get her talking about it. However, many of us have been thru it and all we can do is let you know what we did. A lot of us are vets and you will be happy to know you are among friends here.

As I discovered this part of my life I brought my at the time girlfriend along for the ride, she is very understanding and supportive and is now my wife. We set limits and talk about it openly and often.

Counseling is a great idea for both of you. It sounds as if it may take a bit of prodding to get her going, but it may be just what she needs to open up about things and to find how she feels about it. As you are discovering your place in this new world, she will have to find hers.

Wish you all the luck in the world. keep us posted.

Hugs, Charlotte

[Guest carolynn2fem]

Hello Charlotte

Yes I know its a long row to ho. she is a tough cookie to crack. partly because of the kids im sure. now 18 and 20. once they move on i think that will level the playing feild some. I have accepted myself as a CD 3-5 years ago. I came across the Tri-ess website long before that and mis read the terms and didnt think I qualified for membership.lol. like manyy others I have a long history. I am new to this site and have being on and reading on many others. in a way I feel trapped in my closet wanting to find a freind/mentor/theripest/support group or any of the above. I have made contact with 1 support group but the earlyest meeting i could attend is september and that is a maybe at best. I'm sorry to be dumping on You like this. please forgive me

[Guest Michellewhois]

Hi Carolynn,

First off, never feel you have to say sorry about asking questions or looking for advice here at Laura's. So many of us have been there, done that, got the tee shirt and sold it at a yard sale years ago..LOL!!! Here's a question that you may want to think about. Is your wife's reluctance to your dressing come from just herself or is she worried that your kids will think badly of you? I know that even though our kids will say that they love us no matter what, they are old enough to have different opinions about what others do in their private lives.

One piece of advice I got a long time ago, when I started questioning why I dressed was "If you and your spouse feel uncomfortable about others knowing, then just keep it between yourselves and no one else." You may feel comfortable just under-dressing (underwear only) so to speak.

[Guest carolynn2fem]

Hello Michelle

With a wife, 2 kids and a SIL living with me underdressing and a skirt in early morning is all I get to do. . for the last 5 year work was sending me to nashville in the summer but it doesnt look like I am needed there this year. that has being my ME time. I am totaly Ok with keeping it a private mater and not making it a public knolwage. I know she would be so much happier when she gets to the point of reading the wifes bill of rights but untill then I have to guess at where would a reasonabe couple draw the lines. frustrating as hell for me. I cant wait for my first GT appointment.

[Guest sarah_marie]

Carolynn,

It honestly took my wife over a year to accept who I am. She only allowed me to dress like you have to, only in the mornings or when no one was home. But I just had my birthday and she bought me my own girly cloths.... It was so sweet I almost broke down and cried.... What worked for me and my wife was we had one frank sit down conversation about it and then I never brought it up again. She would occasionaly see my girly cloths laying out for the next morning or in the dirty laundry and I guess that was enough for her. She was always concerned that I was gay and was no longer in love with her or found her attractive. Keep letting your wife know how much she means to you and with hope, prayer and understanding she will come around, It just might take a minute for that to happen.

Huggs and kisses,

Sarah

[Guest carolynn2fem]

Thank You for Your words Sarah

any sort of gift would be appreached. its not just this but its hard to perpetuate a conversation that breaks the surface on this and several other topics. she tends to ignore problems and hope they go away. it's frustrating for me.

[Guest sarah_marie]

I understand sweetie... It was the same way with my wife and I. She finally realized that this was who I am and not going to go away....I really hope she comes around and understands soon. I remember all the emotional pain, suffering and hurt that I was feeling that whole time untill she finally accepted me. All the while I had no one to talk to due to the fact that I am Active Duty Military.... I am here for you if you need anything at all sweetheart.

Huggs and Kisses,

Sarah

[Guest carolynn2fem]

Sarah

That You for Your service. I'm am retired navy now. I'm sure alot of her reservation has much to do with the kids now 18 &20. it looks like the youngest may be joining the national guard soon but the oldest is content living on the omama welfare program and the wife is in no hurry to change that either, GRRR.

as far as talking to some one I have my first gt appointment is 27 days and couple people at AA but i'm now real open at this point.

Hugs Carolynn

[Guest sarah_marie]

Way to go sweetie!!!! And congrats on being retired!! I still have 14 years to go till retirement... Ugh!!!!! I'm glad that you are talking to someone... The service seems to be able to do double damage on all of us and its hard to deal with all that without having an outlet. I'm in the same area as you are although my kids are much younger, 4 years old and 17 months. I don't want to influence their perspective on how people are supposed to be at such a young age. That's something that they need to discover and learn themselves... If you need anything sweetheart let me know... I'm always around and open..

Huggs and Kisses

Sarah

[Guest carolynn2fem]

I dont know the current retirment plan but if You make it to 20 years You'll be glad ya did. Huggs Carolynn

[Guest tera1976]

Congrats on retirement. I myself have 5 years and some change. Haven't come out to the wife yet still trying to the work up to it. I would definitely tell anyone on this forum who is still serving, DT !!! It will not end well for them. We still have along roadvahead of us to be accepted.