Sweet 16

[Guest ZoeG360]

Are you kidding me? 16? Really?

Really. Today is the end of my 16th year of sobriety.

On June 6, 1997 I went into treatment and started my recovery. That was a month after I had tried to commit suicide for the second time and nearly succeeded.

I was certain that alcohol was why I crossdressed. I was sure that I drank because I felt so bad about crossdressing. I was pretty screwed up. I would wake up at night and have a drink. i wold have two or three before going to work and put a pretty good dent in my bottle during the day and finish it off at night.

And no one was the wiser.

When I went in I had bras and panties in my bag (they didn't let me keep them) and I was on mega doses of lithium for 5 days while I detoxed. Slowly, surely I came around. I remember a turning point came when a counselor asked me if I was ready yet. "Ready for what?" "Ready to do whatever it takes to get sober" Whatever it takes.

It took me a while to grab onto that but when I did, I did whatever it took. Day by day, Hour by hour, Minute by minute.

I went to AA for 9 years, I went to varies groups, studied the Big Book, lived the program. Whatever it took. I came to believe in the simple binary: Drink and die. Don't drink and live. I like simple!

I quit crossdressing, purged everything and figured I had it made. That wasn't so simple and it came back (like it always did) but I didn't drink. I realized that drinking did not cause crossdressing, that something else was at work here. That's a different story.

So I am here to tell you that at the end of 16 years, I still live day by day, I never forget I am an alcoholic,and am now addressing my gender issues with a whatever it takes attitude.

In other words. It is possible to stay sober. It is possible to be happy. It does get better. I don't take any of this for granted. I am so glad that I am starting year 17, but in reality, I am so glad that I am pretty darn sure I am not going to drink tonight. Tomorrow? Well, that is something i will worry about tomorrow.

My name is Zoe and I am an alcoholic

Zoe

[MaryEllen]

Zoe. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. You are truly an inspiration.

MaryEllen

[Guest Elizabeth K]

My name is Elizabeth and I am proud to say Zoe is my friend!

A wonderful accounting of what happened! Congratulations on 16 years alcohol free!

Lizzy

[Guest rikkicd64]

Congratulations Zoe, your a beautiful, strong lady. I have a lot of respect for you and others who overcome.

Rikki...

[Charlize]

My name is Charlie and i'm an alcoholic,

Congratulations Zoe. Your story and mine could be written next to each other. I've less time but share so much. Thanks for being here. You are helping me and perhaps countless others. The ripples go out from people who grow and share in the program.

Honesty about myself and my gender has only been possible because of the rooms of AA and the higher power i've found thanks to the search i've made here in the rooms.

Just left my home groups 65 th anniversary dinner and meeting. Live music some dancing and acceptance of me regardless of how i dress or who i am. !00 + people and i'm just another drunk.

Hugs and love,

Charlie

[VickySGV]

You have probably read that I am part of this group too. I am so very glad that you were able to come to terms with your GD during your sobriety and have a wonderful chance of keeping the sobriety. At your point in time,(16 years) I relapsed because I did not come to grips with the honesty of who I was and what the problem within me could be. I am not dismayed by my relapse now, but realize what I need to do to let others avoid the pit I fell into. I am creeping back up on 4 years for this term, and wish I could have done it the way you have, but again I am not ashamed of what happened and deeply value the chance that coming back has given me for hope.

Happy Birthday, you deserve it.

[Michelle 2010]

As people who received "you're not ok" messages from the time we start becoming aware we are different from other boys and girls, I sometimes think the miracle is that some trans people never did turn to self medicating. In my support group I learned that we have one of the highest substance abuse and suicide attempt rates of any group out there. What a gift it is to be able to turn away from that life and deal openly and honestly with who we are...

Zoe, you have shared in the past year the changes that life has brought you, many painful... and yet you remain sober, dealing with life on life's terms. Thank you for sharing your story, what the price has been emotionally, your insights as you went through it, and now the happiness of another year of sobriety. When I came to AA I was consumed with my own pain, but what kept me coming back was that people like you had what I wanted... a new way of dealing with life's complexities that I always turned to alcohol to temporarily solve. From people like you, I had Hope there was another way that might work for me too.

Thanks for being an inspiration

Hugs

Michelle

[Guest ZoeG360]

Thanks so much, I am truly grateful to all the people I have met here. Michelle, your point of how many trans people turn to all kinds of abuse and suicide to relieve the pain is so right on. All alcoholics do that but for trans people, fighting the very basic battle of who we really are is a unique hurdle to get over.

Even after becoming sober it was a long time before I recognized that I had been medicating my core being with any thing that would ease the pain. Following sobriety antidepressants became my drug of choice. Properly prescribed and dutifully taken, never abused. Only now after a lot of work have I understood what has really been going on. I have gone from a cocktail of up to 5 medications plus adderall and sleeping pills down to one a antidepressant and soon i will be off of that. (All done under supervision).

My not dealing with the fact I am a female has been at the root of all of that. It took 60 years to figure that out. (I'm slow, but I catch on!) It is so encouraging to see generations before me not waiting so long.

Vicky:

Last night I read your story about your relapse and have to tell you I am grateful to you for sharing that. When I went into treatment there were about 25 other people there. I was the only first timer, everyone else was there on a relapse and I have to tell you it scared me silly. The thread of sobriety that we hang on to is thin and after seeing others with long term sobriety lose their grip and fall has made me even more determined not to take any of this for granted. Not for a minute, not for a second.

You may have slipped down the slippery thread but you did not lose your grip. That is awesome. What you bring to the table is an awe inspiring strength of character. I see it in your posts all the time. Your continued focus on your journey of self realization is absolutely the right tack.

Charlie:

Our stories are very similar indeed. You are going through much of what I have faced and many of the the dragons are not as big as they seem at first. You are a warrior and I have seen you wield your sword and take them out one by one. Alcohol is one of the bigger ones but the big one is being trans. I am there to help when you need me, my sword is drawn and I got your back.

Rikki:

How you survive in Texas is beyond me. I lived there for many many years and I don't think I could have survived there. Thanks for your support..

Lizzie:

You make me giggle with glee. Enough said.

Mary Ellen:

Thanks, That means a lot to me. You are like our Mother Hen who guides and protects us here and I for one am grateful for all you do.

Today is the first day of my 17th year. Gratitude abounds.

Zoe

[Guest LauraAlice]

Congrats on 16 years sober. Good luck on the next 16.

[Guest otter-girl]

Happy 16 Zoe. Inspirational!!!

Rachel

[Guest rita63]

Zoe You are an amazing woman and an inspiration to us newbies.

I want what you have and am willing to go to any length to get it.

Still working on year one, one day at a time.

hugs rita

[Guest angels wings]

Wow lovey that is awsome u truely are an inspiration to so many