Both Masculine and Feminine

[Guest DEW1995]

Hello everyone ! You have possibly seen some of my posts in other forums recently, CD/Teen/Androgynous. When I came here I was told that I can only find myself through personal searching, and here I am. For any of you who haven't seen my posts I'll drop a bit of background information. I'm a male who two years ago got into CD at 15. I figured that's all it was, but I feel there is something more and I'm attempting to find it. Outside and in public with family/friends people would view me as just a regular 17 year old guy, although a bit quiet and reserved probably. Inside however I believe I am different, although not entirely I guess. I still have my love for all things testosterone filled such as sports, action, woman, and the list goes on. However along with the regular masculine likes, more feminine likes are emerging as well. Along with the action novels I am growing fond of the romance ones as well, same for moves and ETC. Or something along the lines of wearing a guys shirt (one of my favourite rally drivers) and woman's underwear. As far as I can describe it right now it's my inner want for feminism along with my want to be masculine, a sort of mixing of the genders ? It has gotten to the point where I can see myself change from subject to subject and completely disregarding my gender. For example I might be walking through the mall and pass Victoria's Secret and be like, That is so CUTE and would love to wear it ! Then minutes later walk by a game store and be like, dude that game looks awesome !

On the scale of being a masculine or a feminine man, I can EASILY place myself as feminine. The problem lies with the fact that I don't exactly feel like a feminine male. It's something different, something like both coexisting I suppose. Certain situations allow me to be a woman mentally, others a man. One side of me likes to feel like a quiet and shy female who is caring and understanding. For example when I read I'm more deeply captivated by the emotions and feelings of the characters. The other side of me is the rough and tumble guy who is bleeding testosterone and wanting to be buff. They simply coexist and present themselves at different times. Although due to how fearful I am of public persecution by my family and friends, I dare not show and sign of feminism. So I haven't got to see how far the rabbit hole actually goes, so to speak. This is what I'm wanting to find out and the only way is to push the limit.

Although this is PURELY mental and little physical change. I have no preference in looking like a female as long as I can feel and think like one. The furthest I have gone to looking like a woman is shaving all pubic hair. Not because I wanted to look more feminine, but because I hate large amounts of hair anywhere on my body. At some point I would like to shave my legs and armpits as well. However, I am still fearful of family and friends. The same goes for my opinion on cloths. If I had the choice I would probably wear all female clothing from the waist down, I just like the colour's/look/feel more than anything made for a man. However I hate all female clothing from the waist up. I don't care for bras or female shirts. Again I would not outwardly do this any time soon. Not brave enough !

Thanks for reading my wall of text and please comment if you have any input on the matter of feeling both feminine and masculine. I guess I'm not gender confused, but confused of why exactly I don't find myself as one of the guys, or one of the girls.

[Michelle 2010]

I so identify with where you are at. My Gender therapist's primary advice when I said I did not have a burning desire to fully transition or have SRS was to not worry about labels. Through this site's spirituality forum and other sources googled or recommended I adapted the identification with the Native American concept of "Two Spirit". When I come out to people I use the term. It is more than crossdressing. I identify with having a strong female persona and the masculine identity still exists in ways too. The longer I practice self acceptance, the stronger the female self becomes, but the masculine still exists (for now, lol)

Nice you're here,

Michelle

[Guest DEW1995]

Yeah I feel so similar ! Although it's relatively new ( began CD at 15 two years ago ), until recently I thought my feminine desires were strictly bound to clothing. However it changed when I noticed my sudden interest in expressing feminism in my writing and so on. So for the most part I haven't got to see how far I'm willing to go with my feminism, I'm here to find out though !

[Charlize]

Nice to hear from both of you expressing my feelings. I am now moving towards my feline side. Dressing almost full time or full time as a goal and living as a woman. Would like to do HRS if possible but perhaps Augementation surgery. But... i will always have 60= years of male in me. That doesn't just go away nor would i want it to. I understand men like no woman can and will never fully understand women but am learning as i go. Two spirit is a great way of putting it. I must accept both for peace of mind and body.

Hugs, Charlie

[Guest Dominique_Amethyst]

I guess I'm not gender confused, but confused of why exactly I don't find myself as one of the guys, or one of the girls.

Hello there:) I recognize myself in this. I am a girl who never wear any make up (except for when I dress up), and I prefer to wear shirts for men. I am not like the girls you see in magazines or (most often) on tv. I have thought that perhaps I am not a girl, or just that I am a crossdresser of some kind.

During the last year I have gotten more confident with myself and with my more "feminine" side. So I sometimes wear womens clothing, but well... I still has my own, a bit boyish style.

And I think that if something feels like you, and you feel good about it, then it really shouldn't matter if it is feminine/manly/something in between.

I also want to quote a friend of mine, who said something that I think is really interesting.

"Stereotypes are only rules we set to limit ourselves and eachother.

If you want to wear makeup, go ahead, regardless of what gender you are. If you want to design shoes or build super computers, why would you let someone else, or yourself for that matter, stand in your way?

People reinforce stereotypes every day by hiding everything that makes them special.

They do what society thinks it's "okay" to do, and therefore, helps make everything else NOT okay.

You're doing it too, wether you realize it or not. You have been trained to do it all your life.

Hell, I'm doing it as we(I) speak.

I'm going to end this rant with a plea to everyone that made it through this wall of boredom:

Please, do more of what makes you happy! Even if it means being ridiculed by the people who don't have the guts to do it.

Be proud of who you are, and you will meet other people who will be too.

We're all unique, we've just been trained from birth to hide it" //Stilth