Friends and their remarks

[Guest Amber90]

Hey everyone,

I’ve just returned from a friend’s house where a rather heated debate regarding transgender identity broke out.

At around ten o’clock, one of my friends decided to flick the channel over to Big Brother. I never wanted them to put it on in the first place, as I knew that there was a transsexual man on the show, and there was a strong chance that the people I was with would start making some unsavoury remarks about him. I absolutely despise politically incorrect comments in every shape or form; my friends, on the otherhand, seem have a horrible habit of making them

Sadly, my fears came true. They started to laugh and refer to him as “she”. I tried very hard to say nothing, but I couldn’t help myself. I just wanted them to know that just because someone is assigned a woman at birth; doesn't necessarily make them a woman forever. I’m feeling very alone in terms of my gender identity at this point in time and I just needed them to understand that gender is not defined simply by a person’s genitals or chromosomes (that stuff's private anyway).

I uttered in the friendliest tone possible “Come on guys; he identifies and lives as a man now. Have a bit of respect.”

Within seconds, they pounced on me like a pack of vicious wolves. “What? She’s still got her birth organs, so she’s a girl!” came their collective response.

For the next half hour, the argument continued. It was just me against three other people. I tried as hard as I could to explain that just because someone is assigned man or woman at birth does not mean that they should be forced to forever live with that identity. I told them that gender is fluid and that a human should have the right to choose at will.

But they just went on about how I didn’t know what I was talking about and that biology determines what a person is. It didn't matter what I said or how hard I tried, they continued to tell me that men are men, women are women and that people with intersex conditions are neither of the two (which I found to be an incredibly heartless comment).

On the drive back to my house, I just wanted to burst into tears. I was seconds away from admitting the truth (I’m still in the closet you see); I just wanted to shout to my friend “I’m transgender. That’s why I was so distressed at your claims.”

I chickened out at the last second, however, thinking that it was not wise to out myself whilst angry and upset.

I’m just feeling so hopelessly alone right now. I’m more at war with my gender identity than ever before, I have no transgender friends to discuss my feelings with and I really just want my friends to be able to understand gender from my point of view.

It’s a shame, because it means that if I do decide to one day start living as a woman, these friends of mine may never accept me as one. They know that I was born a “guy” therefore forever ignoring my desired gender simply because of my DNA.

Has anyone ever been saddened by the opinions of their friends before, and if so, how did they manage to deal with the situation?

Sorry if this post comes across as a bloated rant. I'm just feeling so hopelessly alienated from my loved ones right now and I just need to find support from somewhere.

Amber

xx

[VickySGV]

Without knowing how or why these people have become your friends, I can't say much more than I can hear you loud and clear on the loneliness thing. One of the issues we have to face on our journey though is the issue of friends in general.

Some people will be our friends for a time in our life. High School friends, the children of neighbors, people we know in clubs and youth groups, and friends we make with people who are much older. In a certain time, all of these friendships will either wither away and we will all go on. They are friends for a season.

Another group of people will be friends for a reason, we are part of teams with them, we and they have skills each other needs, we have a common goal that needs to be done. When the reason is over, that friendship too will fade and move on.

The third group of friends that we have are those to whom our life and well being are important to their well being, and the reverse, that their lives are very important to our needs for happiness and mental health. These are friends for LIFE.

Only the third group needs to know about the real US, but since our lives are important to them, they will accept us for what we are without question. Which group does this group you were in fall into? Perhaps they have called the end to a season by their actions, or maybe the reason you had for friendship has been fulfilled. They do not on the surface sound like the Friends for life. I am sorry you felt as your did, but you have friends here that can be in any of the three categories. Go ahead and talk to us.

[Guest Tamar]

Hugs. Life is also fluid. Friends and family aalso come and go. How many friends you have will depend on your personality,not how many you have now. Soz if this doesn't make sense,just a quick comment on the run.

[Guest oliverking]

How completely rude of them...! Seriously, I don't know how some people can be that rude, disrespectful, and overall stupid! I feel for your pain, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with complete morons like them. I do hope that you can find other transgenders out there to befriend, so that you can have someone who truly understands you (and also leave those bad friends behind Dx)

[Guest Amber90]

Thank you for your responses. They mean the world to me

I understand completely what you mean about friends coming and going throughout life. The group of people who I was with tonight were my friends from secondary school. I’ve known them since I was about 14 years old and we've just kind of never departed from one another.

I think the main problem is that we have grown apart since those school years and despite us all being 21 years old now, we have not actually moved on with our lives.

In 2008 I went to university and as I started returning home during the holidays, I began to notice that we were growing drastically apart from one another. We’d argue more frequently and I noticed that I was becoming incredibly offended at pretty much all of their jokes.

I was lucky enough, however, to meet a bunch of wonderful people at university. I even managed to tell one of them that I was transgender (I know I said in my previous post that I’m still in the closet, however I was referring to this particular friend group) and he was incredibly supportive about it. As a matter of fact, he thought it was a lovely surprise.

Sadly, since graduation those people have moved on and started getting on with their own lives in separate parts of the country. I’m an incredibly shy individual, which means that making friends is an extremely hard and drawn out process for me. These secondary school friends of mine are the only people who I have left at this point in my life.

I probably sound like a real fool for saying this, but the truth is, I need them right now. I don’t feel that I benefit much from their friendships, and as you can tell from my previous post, I’m devastated about their attitudes toward transgender people. However, I’m scared of being alone and friendless. If I depart ways with them now, then I’ll have no one to spend time with. I just figured that being around these people is better than spending time with no one.

Hopefully soon I can move away from my home town and attempt to overcome this crippling shyness of mine. That way I can begin to meet more people who I can call true friends. I’m currently trying to find a job in a city at the moment; hoping that the metropolitan environment will help me encounter a more diverse group of friends (who hopefully have a more open-minded attitude).

I’m just glad that I can count on this forum for the support and help I need. Everyone has been incredibly supportive since I joined here

Amber

xx

[Guest JessicaM1985]

Since I've come out about both my sexuality and gender identity, I have been working to remove homo/transphobic people from my life. Unfortunately that is significant number of people that I've known. But I honestly feel that in order to successfully transition, that you need to surround yourself with loving, supporting people. If I was in your shoes (preferably the cute heels! ), I'd start looking for new people to hang out with. Gender identity is one of those very controversial subjects that people on both sides become passionately defensive over and very seldom can you get anyone who isn't supportive of it to become more supportive of it. The only person that I've been able to change their mind on the issue was my mom, and she is still only on the fence about it, and will only refer to me as Jessica when I'm actually completely dressed as female, and defaults to my birth name when I'm dressed in my preferred mode, which is gender neutral.

I unfortunately am very opinionated and I don't take kindly to the kind of disrespect your friends were showing, so if I was in your situation, I would've gotten rather angry. People around me know it's kind of a hot-button issue with me, and as such they don't really dwell on it and tend to treat it as a kind of "elephant in the room" situation. It can be uncomfortable, but I prefer that to outright verbal attacks over it. My close friends though are super supportive, and I can have extended conversations about it and they are super cool with it. Those are the kinds of people that I try to let into my life so that when I do completely transition, it will be much smoother and happier.

[MackenzieB]

You know, it's not necessarily a matter of rudeness. There's a LOT of people out there who just really don't know anything about us. Sure they've heard "things" from friends, coworkers and such. But never have they experienced actually meeting a trans person.

When I came out at work, a lot of people said encouraging things to me. And a lot wouldn't talk to me or look at me. I work in a rather large medical center and I walk around the place a lot in the course of a day.

But before too long, the people who wouldn't look at me did start to look at me. And I smiled at them. The people who wouldn't talk to me started to greet me "Hello". And I'd smile and say "Hello" to them.

And now, when somebody mentions "Mackenzie", Everybody knows it's that person from the Biomedical Engineering Department. My last name at work is pretty much useless. Nobody uses it now. I'm just Mackenzie. And I couldn't be happier. Heck... the Woman who runs our Volunteer Services Department came by our department to ask me which brand of makeup I use.

Hang in there. Smile at them. Talk to them. Prove to them that you're just you and that you can be a pretty cool person to know. Granted, it takes time. Be the best example that you can be and they'll figure it out.

[Guest otter-girl]

People are fearful. This colours all external behavior and makes life difficult for anyone different from accepted norm. We know this of course but have I this anecdote from a gay male. He was with three male 'friends' when he came out to them. They all vilified him and were horrible in their comments before abandoning him. Two came back on separate occasions wanting sex.

Hugs

Rachel.

[Guest Jade T]

People are fearful. This colours all external behavior and makes life difficult for anyone different from accepted norm. We know this of course but have I this anecdote from a gay male. He was with three male 'friends' when he came out to them. They all vilified him and were horrible in their comments before abandoning him. Two came back on separate occasions wanting sex.

Hugs

Rachel.

Rachel, I laughed out loud when I was reading that. I am glad I wasn't drinking anything! To the OP, yes, I too dealt with that for quite a few years from all the people around me at work. They had some pretty bad terms for us. Sadly, I didn't stick up for transgendered people at the time and just kept quiet.

I can definitely understand how lonely it must feel without knowing any transgendered people in person. My suggestion is to sign up for transgendered dating websites and look for other transgendered people on there to become friends with. Send them an email explaining you are just looking to make friends and people to hang out with . The idea may sound dirty or creepy, but some of the people on there are very genuine and caring people and you may make a friend for life from it.

Hugs,

Jade

[gennee]

Amber, your post brought out a lot of interesting points. Those friends are rude and ignorant of what transgender is and isn't. You have a good sense of who you are and that's wonderful. People come into our lives for a season or seasons. They may stay or move on or we move on. You will find new friends, Amber. You have them here. They are many of us out there in the world.

[Guest vtphoenix]

Hi, Amber! I'm sorry that you're having problems. I was in a similar situation before I first came out and, amazingly, the friends I had who WERE homo/trans phobic really reconsidered their positions when I came out to them and they were universally accepting. One of them actually started to stand up for gay and trans people, risking being ridiculed by their friends. So yes, I do think a lot of it is an understanding issue as I don't think that most people are actually out to hurt other people on purpose. As I'm a writer, I was inspired to write an article about this and it is appearing in the next issue of Transliving magazine. I hope it's okay to share it here. I think it might give you a good response to the haters.

I WAS BORN A BOY… SO WHAT?!

(OR WHEN GOOD ADJECTIVES GO BAD)

By Ashley

Okay, for starters, I wasn’t really born a boy. Well the doctors and my parents thought I was, but they were wrong.

“But I didn’t see any signs!” my mother said.

To which, I replied, “A) You did, you just didn’t realize it. And: I managed to hide a lot of these signs.”

Some people find the idea of a trans person unsettling. I believe there are two main reasons.

The first is that gender and expressions of gender, what we call masculinity and femininity, are typically thought of as binary. In both cases, these things are NOT binary, but rather a broad spectrum, with most people falling at one end or another. I’ll get back to this idea in a minute but, basically, gender as a binary model is useful most of the time, but we have to understand that it is not IN FACT binary. There are real limits to the model, not the least of which is that it leaves out the vast array of diversity that we see throughout all of nature.

.

The second reason is related to the first. We are uncomfortable whenever the world as it really is turns out to be different from the world we think exists. While we know that our senses can (and often do) lie to us, most of us understandably assume that we should trust our own eyes. We don’t like the idea that there’s an undertow beneath the lake’s placid surface or that there are hidden forces moving behind the stage of physical reality.

And I’m not talking about “God” here.

Being trans is a reality that we have no physical way of measuring. We trust in this binary model until someone comes along and upsets it. It seems crazy, it seems delusional, to say that you are a woman when you’re born with the physical body of a boy. That is why society shifts uncomfortably in their seats when they encounter a trans person.

This is not the way the world works, they think.

I’ve heard some version of this a million times. Men are men and women are women. Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina. Like, GAWD! Why don’t you freaky trans people understand that? You must have a screw loose.

But it’s not that. We just know something that you don’t.

There is more to the world than physical reality.

On some level, we all understand this, but we often don’t put it into practice, especially when it comes to concepts that will force us to shift our own perceptions of the world.

Why should we cater to this minority? I’ve heard this question too.

And that depends.

There is a degree of work associated with taking in a new idea and adapting one’s view of the world. But what it really comes down to is this: Do you want to be right 99% of the time, good to 99% of the people (if that)? OR Do you want to have a view of the world that will be correct ALL the time, that will encompass, allow tolerance, and even compassion for, ALL people?

One of the greatest, wisest things I have ever said is this: we focus on the things that make us different instead of the things that make us the same.

And the things that make us different are not really so big.

And one of the most important ideas I ever came across was from Deepak Chopra’s “Way of the Wizard.” He says, “It is our destiny to play a variety of roles. But these roles are not ourselves.”

Think about that. Do you think you are a woman? Do you think you are a man? Are you a mother, a father, a child, a brother, a sister, a teacher, or a student? These things are just words.

But you’re not a real woman!

As if that means anything at all.

It’s pretty derogatory if you’re a trans person like me. You’re trying to take my personal truth away from me and on what basis? Because you can see with your eyes a physical reality? Bravo. Really, good job. You can see with your eyes.

I see with my heart.

Anyway, the word “woman” is a pretty arbitrary word. The word could mean literally anything at all. Yet we’ve assigned it a certain meaning that is mostly useful in describing reality. Yet, it’s astounding how many people can’t grasp the concept that a word just DESCRIBES a thing, it is NOT the thing.

Labels are dangerous. That is one reason I’ve avoided open discussion about the “issue.” I am not A transgender or A transsexual. These words are not nouns, they’re adjectives. I’m a transgender or transsexual PERSON.

But I am so much more than the sum of these words.

Kim Petras, the youngest transsexual to have reassignment surgery to date, is also a fantastically talented singer and song writer. Yet, nearly all the curiosity about her is limited to just one facet of what defines her. When you go to Youtube.com and read the comments on her videos, the posters are almost entirely fixated on her gender.

It is a scary thing, I think, to allow the world to define us with just one word. We are so much more than our labels, so much more than the adjectives people will affix to the ones we already use to define ourselves. Why is it important that I be defined as a trans woman? Or a trans singer? Or a trans writer? Or a trans anything?

Why is the issue of my being transgendered an issue at all? Why are you so interested? Because you don’t understand? Well let me tell you something else that’s is critical to the acceptance of trans people everywhere:

You don’t have to understand.

We don’t even know why we are the way we are either. If you figure it out, I hope you’ll share it with me. I can tell you that we’re not mentally sick, that we’re really not that different from non-trans people, and we’re not just doing it to mess with you. Do you think that we asked to be this way?

A lot of people will say that we aren’t “real”, that our view of reality is not valid. They will argue with us endlessly about it. But what’s it matter if we are “real”? What does that even mean? We just want to live a life that is consistent with how we feel inside. I don’t worry about whether you consider me real or not. I am just me.

And to the trans people that think that you are not “real” unless you have electrolysis, unless you are on hormones, or unless you have surgery: You have become the bully. You are subscribing to a view of reality based on words and labels. We invented those words, we invented those labels, but those words are just a model, and the model is only useful as long it stays true to the reality it describes.

The reality is that there is more to life, more to the world, than just a physical existence.

At the end of the day, we do what we do for one reason and one reason only: it pleases us to do it. Beyond that, nothing else is important. We have the right to pursue happiness just as everyone does and we will fight to keep this happiness, as would you, if anyone tried to take away who you were or tried to tell you to live your life.

It saddens me when other people can’t see the truth about me, that I AM a woman. But look in the mirror, is that really YOU? Or is the flesh just a vehicle for the soul to ride around in?

In closing, I just want to say that we all have the right to define ourselves. Nobody can tell you who, or what, you are. First and foremost, we are all people. Everything else is up to you. I didn’t CHOOSE to have these feelings, but I AM choosing not to allow a physical prison of flesh to prevent my spirit from soaring wherever it wants to go.

The only limit is our imagination.

Thank you all for reading. You all mean so much to me and I love you all.

Ashley

[Guest Amber90]

I’m sorry that I didn’t respond any sooner. After the unpleasant evening that I experienced last week, I decided to take a break from my day-to-day life and visit a university friend who lives in the south of England (I know it sounds a little over the top of me, but it really did help me calm down and compose my distressed thoughts).

These comments have been incredibly encouraging and heartfelt. I’m just so glad that there are individuals like all of you out there, who deliver such beautiful words of support to those who are struggling with their lives.

You're all completely correct. I really do need to try and surround myself with people who can support and love me regardless of my gender identity, and that friends do come and go as time moves forward.

I am finding it very difficult to encounter supportive people at the moment and I’ve never received the privilege of talking, one-to-one, with another transgender person in my lifetime; however, I do like Jade's idea of signing up to a dating side in order to try and meet such people. I’ve no intention of actually dating at present (I’d rather sort out my gender identity before delving into any sort of intimate relationship) but using these sites as a tool to befriend others does sound like an idea that could work. I admit that I’m a tad scared of joining up to such sites (I always get frightened of putting my personal information online: fearing public exposure) but I think that if I could just build up the courage to do so, then it could be a great way for me to at least try and finally befriend other transgender people – something that I feel will seriously benefit me in the long run.

Rachel, I absolutely love your anecdote. It’s both funny and true. I’ve had several friends in the past whose homophobic attitude toward gay people has turned out to be their way of preventing themselves from developing sexual desires toward them. I’ve even had one friend who claimed to despise transgender women, only to then admit (whilst blind drunk may I add) that his hatred was in fact his way of concealing his undying and uncontrollable lust for them.

I’ve decide that now’s the time to take a stand. I’m planning on telling the people who I argued with last week about my transgender identity. I’m so tired of hiding my real self from the world, and this loneliness is suffocating me like nothing else. It’s a truly terrifying and difficult process – as I’m sure you all know – but I’m hoping to come out to them before the end of next month.

I think that coming out will put their compassion and friendship to the ultimate test. If they like me as a human being and cherish my friendship, then surely they’ll learn to place their prejudice and fearful nature to one side. If they don’t, however, then that’ll be my queue to depart from their company and find others who can accept me for who I am.

Ashley, thank you so much for your wonderful article. I’ve spent the past week trying in vain to put my thoughts on this subject into a coherent piece of writing; however, you’ve managed to gracefully discuss this idea of gender perception and identity in ways which one could never have dreamt of. Your article has helped to revitalise my strength and courage in who I am, and if my friends do decide to challenge my lifestyle after I come out, then I shall be making heavy reference to your article. It’s an absolutely beautiful piece of writing, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

All of your comments have managed to make me feel more accepted and more human than ever before. These are feelings which I’ve really needed to experience after the isolation and confusion that has engulfed my world in recent times.

Thank you,

Amber

xx