Coming out, without any therapy

[Guest Kendra K]

So it's 12:18 Am according to the computer clock, 3 hours later than I should be up. I've had 2.5 glasses of wine to try and help me sleep, apparently it's not happening. I'm too tired to see if something similar has been posted (the community is large enough that I'm sure it has).

Anyone got any help/stories/whatever about coming out, without having done therpy?

Reason why I'm asking..... I haven't done any therapy, I've told 1 person. I've considered telling my wife, but am scared to, since I don't want to lose her. It's ironic (if that'st the word) that the one who I love the most, I can't tell about the thing that's affecting me the most, that I've dealt with for a long time.

Yet, I stop. Not just because I want to tell her, but because I wonder that since I havn't had therapy if I'm wrong? Despite the fact that I'm not sure if I've ever had a fantasy where I'm in a male role, where I'm always wearing women's clothes, where in the last many years I am a woman in my fantasies, I'm still afraid that if I tell someone that it will just end up I'm not transgender. Despite that it seems everything points toward me being transgender and that the lightswitch test I'd pull it in a heartbeat.

So I'm kind of venting. Maybe it's part of "Father's Day" that's got me unsettled (I love my daughter, but not sure about the whole Dad/Mom thing).

Time to try against and get some Zzzs. Only 4 hours until I have to wake up.

[Guest Robin Winter]

I know how you feel, in part. The whole fathers day thing kinda has me depressed Family just doesn't seem to get why it bothers me, which bothers me even more.

[Guest ~DeeDee~]

I told my wife, then started therapy. It gets better and we are still married.

[Guest Melissa~]

I never had a therapy session. By definition you don't need therapy unless there is a problem. I didn't have a problem until my wife stated she's divorcing me.

Now I'm in [gender] therapy.

What I may have drifted towards over the next five years, seems to be fast tracked.

Having kids makes the situation more damaging, I'm sorry about that. Since I never had therapy at any point in my life I wasn't sure what to expect. The marriage counselor took the role of mediator that out introspections from each of us and assigns homework, since me and my wife still function as a couple. Our current assignment is make a plan for orderly dissolution, we seem to have settled on a strategy (split stuff, sell house.) The gender therapist was a very different experience, for a very different problem. Session 1 spent maybe three minutes on my gender issues, the entire rest of the session was about drilling into my family history. Session 2 was spent entirely on drilling into family history. Session three talking about time-lines and treatment issues, Session 4 was mostly insurance issues/and application on the triad of care: therapy, HRT and GRS. The balance of that session was for status updates, and current pre HRT treatment recommendations. Session 5 is tomorrow(oops today.)

The gist I have from my GT, is she doesn't think I'm crazy(or she would have at least mentioned alternative therapies by now such as anti-depressants etc.), she thinks my self discovery of TS status does not currently need to be questioned. I'm sure she'll drill into the why am I really TS before I get my HRT recommended paper though.

[Guest Haileyruso]

The one who decides whether or not you are transsexual is you. A therapist can help you in your journey of self-discovery, but in the end it is up to you to determine who you are and what you are willing to do about it.

I think it's perfectly normal to dread telling the ones you care about the most about your transgender feelings...it is with them that you have the most to lose if things go poorly, but I think it is also with them that you have the most to gain from sharing the real you.

[Guest Talon]

Hey Kendra,

Know how you feel and hope you did manage to get some sleep. I guess in order to start HRT and such you would need a therapist but yea, it's up to you if you want therapy before coming out. There's probably always a chance of making a wrong choice but if you really feel in your heart like you're doing the right thing then I guess that's the best pointer you get It makes sense in my head that telling your wife is the hardest part. The more you care about someone the more you care how it goes.

Seeing a therapist could help you figure some things out and even if you are sure that you're making the right choice and that doesn't change, it'd probably still be a good idea because there are so many feelings, emotions and situations to deal with. But yea, that doesn't have to be right now. Maybe you could tell your wife that you believe yourself to be transgender but haven't seen a therapist about it yet? If you feel like that's a good idea.

My first therapist sucked. I have to say. It's a long story but bottom line is I did not really get any help, mental tools or support from him in my coming out and I couldn't reach him for over a month. It went fine, I was 110% sure of my decision and still am. I don't have any broader experience about coming out with a therapist versus without one. But practically I came out on my own with help and advice from people here.

I hope you got rested up and that you're feeling better.

Much love,

Talon.

[Charlize]

Hi Kendra, Please talk to your wife before therapy. You don't have to say you want to be a woman. nothing is set in stone. You are trying to find yourself. Where am i in this gender world and the answer doesn't have to be male or female. I think we all lay somewhere in-between. I for one will never be a complete female even if i get GRS. 64 years of being a man has left me with some memories that no woman has. It's the role i want to play now in life and nothing more. Tell the wife you want to talk to someone. There is no switch or test. Its time that decides.

Hugs, Charlie

[KathrynJulia]

What I love about my therapist is we role play for half the session and she guides me in my approach to coming out to people, whether it is a wife or a boss. She prepares me to accept failure, but she also has taught me ways of how to explain myself. She will sugest alternative words, how to deal with if the talking veres off course and how to deal with shock and anger from the person told. How to difuse that anger, turn that person around to some acceptance of you at first. Ask your wife to take some time before making any quick decisions. Stay calm, remember this is somebody you love and they love you. Reassure them that you have suffered for a long time with this condition and it doesn't go away. That you aren't crazy and that you aren't going weird on her. That you want to work things out with her. Treat her respectfully with every word you say even if she turns angry, says anything nasty, ignore it. Don't touch her unless she signals it's alright. She will be confused, upset. Probably emotional, but she needs assurance that you still love her and want to care for her and be with her and that you really need her help. Let her know you need her more than ever. Those are strong words that my therpist works with me on in addition to a lot of other stuff. I'm going through a divorce myself. I have not told my wife because she is a hamburger looking for a happy meal. And knowing that I am transitioning into the woman that I want to become would be the final straw, she couldn't handle it. And I don't want to deal with her and my transition at the same time. The drama would be over the next hill. And I don't want her to use it against me. Kathryn

[Cyndee]

Hi Kendra,

Good advice and stories from others already. Coming out to wife is certainly one of the most important decisions you will ever make. I can't tell you how to conduct your affairs, this is one of the most personal nature. I can suggest that seeing a therapist and letting your wife know about it is the most direct way to approach this. If it's keeping you up a night, time to get some answers. If you are transgendered you probably already know these feelings will not go away. These feelings if left unresolved, can be the source of much tension and unease in a person's life. This is about your well being, it's the time to be as honest with yourself as possible. You could just make the GT appointment without telling your wife, and get a professional's opinion about yourself, however this approach may only complicate your life having to tip toe around telling your wife. Honesty with the wife is of the utmost importance, especially with your well being on the line. You could also choose to do nothing about it beyond simply writing here and that's OK too, just be honest with yourself is my message. These feelings originate from the heart and soul of a person's essence (IMHO).

Briefly In my case - I told my wife I was going to make my GT appointment and that I needed help almost 2 years ago. I let her know about myself (best I knew then) before we got married 27 years ago (30 years together), and this did help. We have had many long days and nights discussing my condition and what it means to our family. We are still very much in love, our relationship continues to evolve as I transition. This is a time of much change and adjustment. My young adult daughters also know about me, this was hard for them too, but you know they love me very much. I have survived coming out to my family and extended family, I have not lost contact with a single person, if nothing else it has strengthened our family ties in many ways. I had a very nice fathers day yesterday. My oldest daughter is training to be a pilot, she took me up flying with her yesterday, I had a good meal with her and my wife afterwards. Understanding of my condition by my family continues to be nurtured slowly and patiently because I do love them and myself.

Best wishes Kendra

Cindy -

[Guest Kendra K]

Thanks all for the wonderful words/stories. Certainly gives me a lot to think about.

Thankfully I did get to sleep fairly shortyl after I posted this last night.

[Guest Deanna]

My wife found out at the end of May. I was so scared that she would not be supportive. She found out by reading a diary of my feelings on this. She said I shouldn't have waited to tell her. She even insisted on therapy! Our relationship is actually better now than it has been in 8 years! I think because I am now not keeping it inside. So I would say telling your wife should be first. Just try and explain it.

[Guest Kendra K]

So once again last night I was up past midnight.

I'm still terrified about telling my wife. We had a day at the zoo yesterday and I was close to tears after seeing all the women in beautil dresses, skirts, shorts, etc. Still terrified about telling my wife.

Still not sure how/when to do it. I don't want to wreck our anniverary this week, don't want to wreck out vacation, don't want to heap more stress on her when she's stressed out in August. I don't want to do it when our 3 year old is with us, so that's not very often. Nothing seems like the right time.

[Guest]

HI Kendra,

I'm sorry I'm getting to this thread late.

I was very early in my questioning of gender when I told my wife, two years before I saw a GT. And, I wasn't sure where I was going with my feelings at that time. So, that's what I told her. It was no more than a sentence - "I'm realizing that my female side needs to express itself" or something to that effect. After that, everything I did was to reassure her that I wasn't wanting to change our relationship, only to understand myself better. I let her ask the questions, never forcing too much on her than she was able to process at the time. It took patience, but has worked out well.

There is an element of timing. Sometimes you have to make time for yourself. Hopefully you can find that time, sooner rather than later.

Love, Megan.

[Cyndee]

Sounds like you have it bad Kendra. Really feel for ya, when seeing other women out in the world triggers the dysphoria, it's terrible. It just keeps cropping up where you least expect it too, I can't stand it, I try all kinds of things to distract myself from these feelings, before I loose it. As Meg eludes above timing does matter in telling the person you love about this, your well being should be not be made to wait for fear of what "might happen". The pressure will only continue, do yourself a favor seek out a therapist since it's keeping you up at night Kendra. You don't need to suffer alone however, we are here to listen.

Hugs

Cindy -

[Guest Kendra K]

I'm sorry I'm getting to this thread late.

I was very early in my questioning of gender when I told my wife, two years before I saw a GT. And, I wasn't sure where I was going with my feelings at that time. So, that's what I told her. It was no more than a sentence - "I'm realizing that my female side needs to express itself" or something to that effect. After that, everything I did was to reassure her that I wasn't wanting to change our relationship, only to understand myself better. I let her ask the questions, never forcing too much on her than she was able to process at the time. It took patience, but has worked out well.

There is an element of timing. Sometimes you have to make time for yourself. Hopefully you can find that time, sooner rather than later.

Maybe that's the way I need to do it. As far as making the time for myself, maybe a day to myself would be good. The funny thing is that when I'm home I don't get the emotions/urges anywhere near as bad. Maybe it's because I'm in a t-shirt and jeans, which are more unisex and keeping busy doing other things, so I don't have time to think about it?

I like your way of letting her ask the questions. It just does along with the rest of what I try for in life, to not forcing myself upon others.

Sounds like you have it bad Kendra. Really feel for ya, when seeing other women out in the world triggers the dysphoria, it's terrible. It just keeps cropping up where you least expect it too, I can't stand it, I try all kinds of things to distract myself from these feelings, before I loose it. As Meg eludes above timing does matter in telling the person you love about this, your well being should be not be made to wait for fear of what "might happen". The pressure will only continue, do yourself a favor seek out a therapist since it's keeping you up at night Kendra. You don't need to suffer alone however, we are here to listen.

Thanks Cynthia, things seem to have spun out of control, which certainly a sign that I need therapy right? Whatever I have going on, it's gotten worse in the last couple of months.

The whole disphoria things confuses me, so I'm not sure if that's what I have. I know that I want to wear women's stuff, have had that urge for decades (never this bad). I'm not sure if I've ever had the normal male fantasy, I'm always wearing woman's clothes and/or actually am a woman. In the last couple of months seems I'm to the point of an emotional breakdown a few times per week, whereas prior to that my emotions weren't involved much and I wasn't even close to having breakdowns. I guess I still can't wrap my mind around the whole wanting to be girl.

I know I shouldn't worry about what might happen, but I'm scared of many things about this (ending up divorced, etc), which I know others here at Laura's didn't have those things happen to them. She does deserve to know.

[KathrynJulia]

Kendra

Almost everyone on this site can tell you that they had their dysphoria locked up tight and out of nowhere, it gets out somehow and it is all over you. Often times we are forced to living in denial for decades, but it is always there in the back of our mind. It will never go away permanently. When it pops out, it's amazing how strong it has become. Don't beat yourself up for having these feelings. Pretty much everyone on this forum can identify with your feelings. See a Gender Therapist. They can help you with these feelings. Kathryn