Do you ever feel confused

[Guest Luuceee]

Last night i went to a friends party, while i was there around my friends i felt very anxious and felt out of place but was having a laugh as one of the guys if that makes sense. All the girls there were wearing real nice outfits which made me jealeous and want to dress that way and have my hair and makeup all perfect like they did, but on the other hand there was one girl was was real good looking that i wouldnt have hesitated to be with. My sister drove me home afterwards as i was a tad over the limit and i remember feeling disgusted at the sound of my male voice. Does anybody else have this feeling that at one moment they are a guy and having fun but constantantly thinking i hate this i want to be a girl, vice versa. Its so confusing. As soon as i got home the first thing i did was put on a dress and i instantly felt better.

Thanks for reading

Lucy

[Guest Shy]

Of course! This happens to me all the time. I work alone all night, and I'm usually okay being in my own world. But when I take the subway home every morning, I invariably have some dysphoric resurgence when I see all the pretty ladies going off to their jobs, school, etc. I don't get much satisfaction out of putting on some appropriate clothing though. In that state of mind, all I see is my male self in drag rather than who I truly know myself to be. It takes a while, but I get out of it and eventually love who I am again. Being trans isn't so bad, but gender dysphoria sucks.

[Guest vtphoenix]

That's happened to me before, Lucy.

One time, in particular, I was out with a couple of girls at a club (that was 8 years ago - wow time flies). Anyway, both girls were both very pretty and were asked to dance a lot, but nobody ever asked me to dance. Being as I'm bisexual, I felt myself attracted to both of the girls, while at the same time wanting to be them and be asked to dance by the guys. I remember going outside for some air and just thinking for a bit and this guy asked me if I was all right, so that was nice, although I didn't really know how to react to that. Maybe he would've danced with me if I'd given him a chance.

Well, when one of my friends dropped me off at home, I started crying, telling her that I didn't know who I was.

I think the important thing is to remember that sexuality and gender are two different things and also that we don't have to feel one way all the time. We're all dynamic individuals with a mix of masculine and feminine feelings.

[Charlize]

Thats the way i've always felt. Now i'm more able to just be one of the girls almost all the time. I might have to dress as a man to go to a film opening this Wed.. I'm in the film that way and it will freak my wife out if i go female. Oh well I know how to crass dress but this time i don't like it.

Hugs, Charlie

[Guest Nikki69]

I can so relate to your story. All my life, (52) now, I have been in the same story as you countless times. I remember one time when I was around 17 or 18 and the scene was exactly the same. There were all these girls at this party strutting their stuff and one of them liked me allot and she was pretty fine. She clung to me like a candy bar wrapper on a candy bar unopened. A guy (older) whom I had slept with on many occassion lived just 2 blocks from this party I was at and the more pot I smoked and beer I drank as well as looked at all the girls in cool clothes the more I wanted to be dressed myself and visiting 2 blocks away. Finally I had to get out of there, go put on some of my clothes and makeup, tease out my long hair and within 45 minutes was walking through the door of this man's house where I was hapily greeted even though I had to awaken him. We drank some wine and in no time had our clothes off and making love. Yes, I have been there countless times throughout my life and have even prayed I would stop being confused and live the way I feel comfortable, in female attire and with men by my side. However, I still continue to go back and fourth?

[Guest Luuceee]

It is in these times i just wish i could be rid of the feelings and just get on with life but as we all know its impossible to do that. I guess feeling confused is a pretty normal thing, im starting to understand things more and more now i have joined this forum. It seems to happen almost everytime im out, fighting the longing to be a girl just to fit in with everyone else, i suppose you can only do it for so long before you cant hold it in any longer. If i stop fighting it my male side doesnt have a chance, i just wish i could lock the male side of me up forever.

[Guest Ney'ite]

Oh yes, Lucy, I remember those feelings very well. That internal anger/discouragement/angst/sadness (all mixed up into one) at still being included in the little male "huddle" during party conversations, all the while longing to be including in the female "huddle" across the room and wondering what they are talking about. It can be very confusing and even make one question themselves. But in the end, rest assured that eventually our true gender WILL come out, and soon enough, you will no longer be included in those little male "huddles" and will be the one across the room chatting in the little female "huddle" (and who knows, maybe even wondering what the male "huddle" is talking about!).

[Guest LauraJen]

Hi Lucy,

This pretty much exactly sums up why I hate going to social events of any kind. I'm not exactly keen on the idea of dressing up as a smart, young man and pretending to be one of the guys - I'd much rather be in a dress and heels and be on the other side of the equation. In fact, I would quite happily spend about 6 hours in town looking for the perfect dress for it. When I was in school I didn't even go to the prom (which six years on at nearly 22 I still regret, even though it was the lesser of two evils). I remember a teacher offering to lend the boys spare tuxes and things and things and it used to fill me with dread. You don't get more masculine than that. I didn't tell my parents and when they found out they were none too happy, even branding me a social retard and reducing me to tears. Thankfully my dad now understands why I didn't go.

One thing you said that jumped out at me, though, was this:

...but on the other hand there was one girl was was real good looking that i wouldnt have hesitated to be with...Does anybody else have this feeling that at one moment they are a guy and having fun but constantantly thinking i hate this i want to be a girl...

Sorry if I didn't interpret it right, but are you saying you felt like a guy because you felt attracted to a woman? Please don't confuse sexuality with gender identity. You can be MTF and attracted to women, or FTM and attracted to guys, or any gender and attracted to all sexes (sex is not a binary, there are various ways to be intersexed as well), etc. Being trans is not the same as being gay. You liking a girl is not a marker on your gender.

Transition is a big scary thing so it's ok to be confused sometimes. You sound from your posts as if you are sure enough of who you are, it's just that life can sometimes throw a bit of a spanner into the works. You putting the dress on at the end likely made you feel better because it felt like a consolation, or a look ahead as to how you will present yourself at these things in the future. It may not all be about the clothes, but dressing as your preferred gender is still a big part - it is how you express yourself so if you are high up on the scale of femininity then you want to show that in what you wear, which is fine!

Laura

[Guest Weaver]

I feel confused at parties, yes. But that is more for the reason that I am a bit socially awkward in those situations.

I don't particularly like dancing, I can't get into the feeling and I am bad at it.

I'm more of a person who prefers seeing 5 or so good friends, drinking without partying and talking about

the universe we live in. One might say I am pretentious in that, but I just don't enjoy parties

and instead always go home sad. I have no idea why I become sad though.

Probably that the environment puts a lot of strain on me that I don't really notice, or that I feel left out

or because when I dance and am with strangers, I feel out of place. *Shrugs*

I prefer more calm environments where I can do my things, or socialize with a small group where I don't feel out of place.

[Guest Luuceee]

I was lucky enough with the prom as ours got cancelled so didnt have to worry about wearing a tux.

Sorry if I didn't interpret it right, but are you saying you felt like a guy because you felt attracted to a woman? Please don't confuse sexuality with gender identity. You can be MTF and attracted to women, or FTM and attracted to guys, or any gender and attracted to all sexes (sex is not a binary, there are various ways to be intersexed as well), etc. Being trans is not the same as being gay. You liking a girl is not a marker on your gender.

Yeah im starting to learn more about it all the time from reading the topics on here, i think i was just feeling mega confused at the time as it took me off guard for a while haha. Till i joined this forum i didnt really know much about it. Just from what id read on places like the NHS website. Being here is opening my eyes to who i am.

Transition is a big scary thing so it's ok to be confused sometimes. You sound from your posts as if you are sure enough of who you are, it's just that life can sometimes throw a bit of a spanner into the works. You putting the dress on at the end likely made you feel better because it felt like a consolation, or a look ahead as to how you will present yourself at these things in the future. It may not all be about the clothes, but dressing as your preferred gender is still a big part - it is how you express yourself so if you are high up on the scale of femininity then you want to show that in what you wear, which is fine!

That makes a lot of sense as it was a fancy looking dress that i put on, like the kind i would have worn to such an event. If definitely made me feel better and instantly relaxed.