Hey everyone

[Guest Kelly92]

Hey everyone,

I've kinda known I may be transgender for some time now, but there's some confusion, or more proabably fears about it.

Firstly, everyone always seems to say they knew from a young age. Well I didn't. I mean, I wore boyish clothes when I hit 12 and got to choose myself, and I hung around with boys, but still I didn't suss it until I reach, well about 18 (by the way, I'm 20, and born female)

Also, I don't hate my body. I don't especially like it, and I get no pleasure from sex in anyway, unless I pretend I have a penis. But I don't hate it, and wouldn't want to change it. I do sometimes wish I had just been born a boy though. Would make life so much easier.

These things make me think I'm not transgender. To some degree I'm kinda not bothered I'm a girl, but on the other hand theres stuff that makes me think I am. So. My story;

Well, I obviously was born a girl, and grew up being dressed in girls clothes. Dresses etc. Then, in primary school I hung out with this girl that was a tomboy, and wore tomboy clothes. She then passed them on to me (im small) and I thought they were cool. After that (aged 12ish) I started to get my mum to buy me boys clothes. Just t shirts, jeans, socks, jumpers, but not pants, and I still wore a bra. Also, sometimes I wore girls clothes too. Nothing girly, just pink cargo pants and a hoodie. My whole group of mates were boys, and we hung out and did the stuff that boys do, but I got partly excluded as I was a girl. I also played football with them. I climbed trees, smashed rocks, enjoyed fighting etc etc. I still do like all those things now, just dont get a chance to do them.

By secondary school I lost my friends. They moved on and grew up, and I stopped hanging with them. I made friends with a girl I liked, and discovered I like girls (im gay). I obsessively hung out with her, still wearing boys clothes. At school I did stupid stuff like, cut part of my fringe and gelled it up. I wanted to look cool like all the boys did. I didn'y hang out with any boys really though. But then I'm not really a social person, and I was obsessy with this girl I liked.

Aged about 19, people kept going on at me that oh I had such a lovely figure (I have a very feminine figues, small chest but thin curves), why waste it behind all those baggy clothes. Some even bought me girls clothes. Then I looked in the mirror and went what the hell, what am I doing. I looked like a girl dressing as a boy. I looked stupid. So I started dressing more girl. Tight jeans with purple bits on, and tight pink etc tops. But no dresses or skirts, I refused, and no jewelry. I have my ears pearced though. I felt sexy like that, but then one day I tried a dress on, for my current girlfriend. And I felt so stupid. I felt like a boy wearing a dress, and I hated it.

Since then I have been confused. I know my soul is partly a boy, but I feel part of me is a girl too. I have the attitude of a boy, i think. I'm into computers, im a bit geeky, i like biology, i like fighting, i like being aggressive eg smashing rocks and making flints. I play videogames. But then I hate sports, apart from football, which i dont play. I tried joining a girls team, but i hated it. i want to play footie with boys, not girls. I get nervous around girls, I cant help staring at their breasts/donkey. This is happening more and more now unfortunately. I've always had this weird obsession with dicks as well. Despite being gay and not into men at all, I always want to stare at their dicks. now, i think it may have something to do with not having one myself.

Also, I like dressing as a boy, and my whole mentality changes when i do. I suffer with anxiety most of the time, constantly nervous and full of adrenaline, but as a boy its gone. Unless i'm nervous of being caught by my mum.

So yeah, lots of conflicting stuff. I hope one of you guys can help me out, please do give me your opinions. I could go on all day about this, but for the sake of your eyes i wont, i think enough is said.

Thank you!

[MaryEllen]

Hello Kelly,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[Guest Kelly92]

Thank you.

The other thing, is most trans people ive seen look like they were born to change if you see what i mean. But I dont know if i do.

[KathrynJulia]

Hi Kelly and welcome to Laura's. Being confused and full of questions is quite normal at first. Most of us feel that way. Have you considered seeing a Gender Therapist? This is a person schooled to work with someone with how you feel. They work with you and help you answer your own questions on where you are in the gender spectrum. You aren't alone in what you are dealing with. We have many people in our community struggling with their gender identity. You have found a place that is safe and sane where you can explore and discover yourself. People on this site won't judge you, but instead seek to offer you support as you seek answers. There's no pressure here on Laura's to be anything other than yourself. So relax, sit back, and explore what other members have written. And when you feel comfortable join in with your thoughts and questions. Again, welcome to Laura's Kelly. I'm Kathryn and I'm glad you found us.

[Guest Kelly92]

Thank you. A gender therapist is no way, i have a lot of social anxiety and could never do something like that. thanks anyway though

I've ordered a packer online and some boys pants. Was really hoping at least the packer would have arrived. Been thinking about it all day and am actually feeling unhappy now that its not here, as in happy i dont have it. That's a first for me :/ adds to the arguement of "i am trans"

[Guest SourCandy]

Hi *hugs*, You may feel out of place, but you really aren't. ^^ Even not having been here or dealing with the community itself for long I know that your feelings are shared by many, It's okay to not be 100% sure of anything, and it's perfectly fine to only have gender confusion to an extent, becasue everyone has different views about the world and how they want to fit into it. Being trans isn't really something you just change classes into, it's just a label people use to group themselves. What is gender confusion if not a series of seemingly conflicting things =P

Regardless of if you think of yourself as trans, what's important is that you think you are who you are, in this case it's a boy. It's something I'm trying to remind myself as I start my steps, Trans is a prefix, at the end regardless of the fact I can call myself a transgirl, I'm a girl first even if it's the last part of the word =P

[Guest Kelly92]

Thanks for your post

It feels really weird being called a boy though. part of me knows it though, but another part says things like i can't be because... think that is issuers with not fitting in. think i may be in denial also. is it even possible to know your in denial? The trans topic has come up several times before in my life, usually every 6 months or so. But recently it's been more often, and now it's all the time. And the more I think about it, the more I was to express myself as a guy. But then I ask myself, is my voice deep enough? chest flat enough (im small anyway so this doesnt really bother me)

it's really bothering me that my packer isnt here, im starting to feel frustrated that im not acting as a guy. ive never really fit in with guys or girls, but with guys its more im not accepted as one of them and pushed out, where as girls i genuinely dont fit.

i just did a test online, the coggi or something. i know its for mtf's but looking at the questions i strongly answered male with only like 2 out of 30 female answers.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Kelly,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Kelly92]

Thanks, I might do